friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. visits from an old (not in body but in length and depth) friend.
2. my new toms...i have had 5 pairs including the ones harper wore and these are my favorite.
3. the anticipation of finally having my pictures framed and for the wall downstairs.
4. hearing finley call calvary "bubba".
5. the fact that she came up with this all on her own because she cannot say calvary.
6. wrapping this year up...it has been filled with lots of joy and excitement but also lots of stress and hard moments from which i am ready to move forward.
7. the possibilities that i am finally allowing myself to think about concerning homeschooling...there are so many things that are open for creativity and this prospect is a blank canvas...all of this = yummy yummy fun for me.
8. a new box of crayons and a fresh notebook full of blank paper.
9. being caught up on laundry.
10. watching finley sleep dangling one leg over the edge of the couch.
11. calvary and oliver jack playing batman together.
12. harper's love for baby dolls--she is still a little girl.
13. oliver jack's fluffy hair that sticks up on the sides.
14. chloe and emmi going to disney...i'm so excited for the memories which they were gifted with this christmas.
15. 30 rock.
16. moments that remind me how much further i need to go in areas of generosity, kindness, and consideration.  i have been shown such love and thoughtfulness and it makes me want to be more intuitive to the needs of others.
17. our driveway---our kids have already, in just one year, ridden their bikes, colored pictures, and bounced balls for countless hours on that driveway.  i sure do love watching them play.
18. harper and calvary making "potions" out of water, mud, and grass.
19. the whitlow family...such a gift of grace and redemption...
20. jade's cute type writer thank you notes...perfectly vintage.

blah to the drama...

i love having little girls.  i love dressing them up in sweet little clothes and braiding their sweet smelling hair.  i love their little shoes and the way they look in little tiny pea coats.  i love to watch as they naturally begin to mother everything from dolls to toy cars.  i love having someone with whom to share movies and books like a little princess.  there are so many parts that i would never change...
but...
if i could skip the drama...
oh, how sweet life would truly be. 
i'm not sure how asking someone to clean up the mess from under their bed leads to the following conversation but...i assure you...it does:

m: (said as sweetly as i could muster because this is an ongoing battle) you don't have to do it right now, but sometime tomorrow i would like you to clean out and organize your nightstand and the mess under your bed before it gets out of control.

h: i am the *only* one that has to clean up anything! why doesn't finley have to clean up anything?!

m:  really?  you didn't clean up anything when you were 1.  and if you look around, finley didn't make any of the mess in here. 

h:  it is just not fair that i have to clean this up!

m:  you act like your life is just so bad because i asked you to clean up your own mess!  do you really think your life is so bad (said sarcastically)?

h: sometimes i do.  when i am mad at you.  because things don't ever go my way.

m:  sigh. 

i know it is just a statement said in a moment of aggravation but it is a statement that cuts deeper than it should.  that harper...she knows how to get to me...and although most times she is sensitive and loving and wants nothing more than to be kind she has moments where she asserts her power and has this way of just knocking me back.  i try not to take it personal but we work so hard...
i think so much about everything and i have been guilty of maybe thinking a little too much and sometimes i take things a little too personal but i think that is because i am completely invested in this family.  fostering a wonderful life is what i pray about, strive for, and engage in and it is in those three words "sometimes i do" i am left feeling defeated.  blah. 
she apologized later and told me that she was wrong and i forgave her.  we talked about how our words are powerful and we have to be careful how we use them.  i also talked to her about how if her expectation for a good life was to have a life without responsibilities then she was not going to find it.  but those are the moments that hurt. 
so blah to girls and their drama...this is a no drama mama

oh liz lemon...

i am mostly making myself write a post tonight because i realize that it has been far too long since i have written a "real" post and become far too easy for me simply let writing slide.  i have been caught up in other responsibilities such as child rearing and while that can always be a valid excuse (it is basically the same as pulling the race card...the mom card is only slightly less effective) i have always managed to find time so it fails to excuse.  this christmas season wore me out!  between thanksgiving, oliver jack's birthday, decorating for christmas, finishing up school for the semester for the kids, doing advent activities, playing, baking, buying presents, making presents, wrapping presents, and sickness all the while trying to remember that we have taxes to pay on our home has made this season all encompassing.  supercompassing.  omnicompassing. 
all of this has triggered the following chain reaction:

• the kids are never in bed on time and have developed very erratic sleep habits which has consequently cut into my sans kid time in the evening.
• finley has decided that she will never nap in her bed ever again and has made it clear that she makes the rules on this situation...not that we ever disagreed...thus forcing me to forfeit any type of true nap time.  this time has been crucial for my home and self maintenance.
• lots of holiday baking has been happening.  in my home and in the homes of others.  therefore my home is constantly filled with baked goods.
• all of my sewing projects have required most of what is left of my evening diffusing time
• i still need some moments just to sit and let the day fall out of my ears without somehow falling asleep at 9:00 because of all the sewing projects...
• all of which lead to me sitting on the couch drinking coffee, eating holiday goodies, and watching countless episodes of 30 rock. 

through this experience i have learned many things about myself. 

1. i love 30 rock.  i laughed out loud while everyone else in my house was asleep when liz lemon had knock off lasik and started crying out of her mouth. 
2. i love coffee.  i love how it is warm and rich and can be sweet without being decadent.
3. i love baked goods.  i love how they can be paired perfectly with coffee.

mostly i have just learned how much i love 30 rock.  all of the other stuff really isn't news to me at all.  but the truth is that in the half hour i take watching 30 rock and drinking coffee is sometimes the only reminder i have that i am a person separate of my role as mother.  the busyness of the season has slowly taken all of the little free time that i have and i had less and less time for myself.  there were several times that i found myself in anticipation of getting home or going upstairs and watching 30 rock and i think mostly it is because those were the moments that i was wanting to claim some semblance of time for myself. 
i love the time i have spent with my family but my decline into sitcom oblivion is but a cautionary tale for mother's every where to remember to take time for ourselves...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...
(late because i have been working diligently on my sewing machine)

1. no school
2. kyle taking days off of work
3. honey baked hams
4. honey smoked turkey breast
5. sweet neighbors bringing gifts over to the kids
6. the kids excitedly taking gifts to the neighbors
7. making sugar cookies with the kids
8. doing crafts with the kids
9. hearing the kids understand the deeper reasons we celebrate christmas because of our time using the truth in the tinsel 
10. harper, calvary, and oliver jack wrapping up their toys to give to each other and everyone else.  our christmas tree looks very impressive with the large amount of gifts underneath it as a result.
11. coffee helping me stay awake so i can sew.
12. jimmy fallon late night show...i've seen a lot of his face this week.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. harper's generosity- she wants to give something to everyone and spends time diligently making and wrapping little gifts
2. oliver jack telling people that he is going to be "this age" while holding up three fingers
3. finley slept in her own bed the whole night last night (kind of sad too)
4. calvary carrying in his very modest gifts for his teachers with such pride and excitement reminding me of the true spirit of christmas.
5. finley licking her finger and sticking it in the sugar bowl.           
6. harper and calvary finding four leaf clovers in our yard.
7. finley bringing clothes to me and insisting that i put them on her...she is such a doll.
8. watching shows on netflix with kyle even though i rarely make it past 9:00 because finley's random sleeping has kept me less than rested.
9. kyle's upcoming work schedule.
10. sending out christmas cards...finally!
11. mr. levi bringing the kids inflatable balls to play with.
12. making up games to play using the balls.
13. watching my children understand the story of christmas.
14. baking.
15. calvary saying that he is glad that we have a girl elf because she is good at cooking.
16. going downstairs at night to find harper and oliver jack snuggled up together asleep.
17. watching finley and calvary play together...she can do no wrong in that little boy's world.
18. harper drinking hot tea when she's sick.
19. when something happens during the week and i say, "i've got to remember to put that on my list this week!".
20. oliver jack telling me that he likes when i hold him because i am "soft".              

friday's musings (a few days late)...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finley's new "sad baby" face
2. people asking me if i have lost weight
3. truth in the tinsel
4. our elf on the shelf
5. harper naming our elf "holly holiday"
6. calvary praying that the elf does not come into his room again while he sleeps
7. having enough to be able to share with those less fortunate
8. having little enough to know what it is like to need
9. visitors
10. watching my kids play with their cousins
11. calvary writing apology letters
12. finley snuggling before bed
13. oliver jack still being 2
14. hearing oliver jack asking finley to "come over here and give me a hug" because she "looks so cute"
15. oliver jack sleeping with a stick off of a toy because it is his "best fighting stick".
16. the christmas ornaments that remind me of granny (which is most of them)
17. the christmas ornaments that remind my kids of granny and hearing them talk about her and what the remember about her and what they miss about her
18. brown paper packages arriving in the mail
19. making harper new dresses
20. harper loving them
21. calvary buying lunch in the school cafeteria
22. harper memorizing scripture just so she can get a prize out of the prize box at church
23. eating pizza three nights in a row because we are hanging out with friends and family
24. harper and calvary snuggling on the couch because they are "best friends"
25. kyle moving the elf at night because i am too sleepy to remember
26. kyle laughing at me when i say, "a billion times 1 still equals a billion" in my sleep

truth in the tinsel...

i am never in a shortage of activities to do with my kids, especially around christmastime.  we have already decorated pine cones and turned them into christmas ornaments, colored wooden cutouts galore, made a paper count down to christmas chain, used gel window clings to decorate their bedroom windows, colored endless pictures from coloring books, and i am sure the list is not quite complete...and it is only december 6.  the kids are getting older and run the risk of getting caught up in the humanity of the season instead of remembering the divinity.  i wanted to find a way to make learning about the miracle of christmas as fun as all of the secular fun of santa and reindeer and elves.  while i was perusing the internet i stumbled upon the ebook truth in the tinsel.  we bought it and after we printed the handouts i spent about an hour reading through the material.  i was so happy to find something that helps me make the gospel accessible to my young children.  i am only one day in to the book, but i am excited to keep working through it.  i wanted to share this information in case there were other people looking for something similar!

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. christmas decorations
2. christmas lights
3. watching oliver jack's excitment over christmas lights as we drive down the road
4. harper's love for all things "nutcracker"
5. the sun shining through the tree tunnel on our way to school
6. oliver jack saying, "look mommy! Jesus is in there" as the light shines through the clouds
7. harper's bag of candy that she carries around and offers in a crunch to grouchy children
8. parades
9. baking holiday goodies
10. making christmas ornaments with my kids
11. watching harper, calvary, and oliver jack get so excited about doing any holiday activity
12. kyle coming home early from work
13. kyle not going to work
14. having all of our needs met
15. good friends
16. calvary only eating 5 biscuits for thanksgiving dinner
17. having pork chops instead of turkey
18. sewing projects
19. my boys in bow ties
20. making nightgowns out of curtains because i feel like maria from sound of music

a challenge for myself...



http://theexcellentwife.com/2011/10/25/super-woman-vs-abiding-woman/ 

 

i came across this awesome chart on facebook yesterday and i have been encouraged and challenged by the stark differences between the all too familiar super woman and the more humble abiding woman. i do not claim to be either but i would be lying if i said that i did not feel a boost to my pride any time that someone has referred to me as "super mom" (which hasn't been often--maybe mostly in my dreams where all of my children are wrapped lovingly in my arms with sweet cherub smiles and perfectly brushed hair). and while there are so many moments of pure joy tied into this role as a parent most of those are the fruit of painstaking investment. i had a reality check when i read number 8 (she teaches her kids to be good versus she teaches her kids to be Godly). no other time do i feel as exposed as a parent as i do on holidays. i feel as if all of my successes and failures are laid out for everyone to analyze and judge and as a result i believe i put an unfair and unrealistic expectation of perfection for my children. my desire for their behavior is rooted in my own needs versus what is of eternal worth for them. for example, calvary at thanksgiving is a so stressful for me. i am torn between understanding him versus everyone else's opinions of him and how that reflects on me. i understand that between the excitement of seeing family and the stress of food prepared in unfamiliar settings and ways is sometimes more than he can appropriately process. but then i also hate the feeling of failure that comes with a meltdown only acceptable for a 2 year old. if they were practicing Godly habits like thankfulness and self-control then they would in turn be "good" but in that moment it is difficult for me to focus on being a loving parent over wanting my pride to be boosted by perfectly behaved children. not to say that his actions do not need discipline, but sometimes my motives as a parent are impure. leslie, over at authentic pursuit, spoke to my heart when she mentioned that parenting has a way of exposing our own predisposition to sin. i have realized, through looking over the list above and personal examination, that i sometimes strive more to be a super woman rather than an abiding woman. my desire is to be an abiding woman and therefore i am going to challenge myself to consciously choose (another inspiration from leslie's latest blog post titled "thankful") to be aware of the moments where i can either be an super woman or an abiding woman. i have noticed that the areas where my children struggle the most regarding their character are directly linked to the deficiencies in my character. my prayer is that through this challenge more fruits of God's sweet spirit will made evident through me.

harper has been at this school "for almost a whole year"...

so obviously we knew it was time for a change.
the other day harper and i were riding in kyle's truck and harper made the comment that she had been at the school she is currently at the longest.  and while she is not quite right (she made it through her entire kindergarten year) she will be correct in her statement by the end of this year. 
however, in spite of the fact that harper has already been to three different schools, we have made the familial decision to home school in the fall. 
gasp.

i have hesitated to write this entry for several reasons one of which being that i wanted to make sure that we were certain that this is what we wanted to pursue.  i also wanted to make sure that most of our family new and would be supportive...i mean, this is a huge undertaking and i know that i will covet the support and prayers of our families throughout the process.  and a little bit of me was scared of having to answer the question of "why?".
one day i want my kids to be able to look back and read this and think, "that's what they were thinking!" and i think that my blog is the perfect place to record the reasons behind our life altering decision.
let me first preface my apology by saying that this decision is in no way based on any sort of displeasure with the public school system that my children attend.  on the contrary, their school is the very reason i wrestled with this decision so intently.  we can all sit and think of the shortcomings or pitfalls of public education; we all know that they are there.  however, few are willing to stand up and praise the efforts of a system that it is set up for failure and still fights feverishly to produce to successful, educated children.  i never want anyone to assume that we left the public school system because it failed us.
sigh.  so, the school system is NOT the reason.  but what is? 

1. the school system was doing everything that they could do but there was one aspect of their education that was missing that they school system could do nothing about: spiritual training.  over the course of 4 children and the diversity of our home and their needs i have realized how little i care about how smart they are.  i am sure that sounds pretty unintelligent but i believe that our culture puts a disproportionate value on intelligence over character.  my children do not struggle academically for which i am thankful but after that i am more concerned with the conditions of their heart. 
2. the school day is from 7:30-2:10.  we get up at 6:15 and leave at 7:15.  we get home at 2:30 and start homework at 3:00.  we do homework from 3:00-4:00.  i start dinner at 5:00.  we eat between 5:30 and 6:00.  we clean up until 6:30.  we get bathed and ready for bed until 7:30.  we watch a show until 8:00.  that leaves us 1.5 hours of free time.  so about 9 of the kids waking hours are spend dedicated to school.  by the time that i have met all of the scholastic and physiological needs of my brood i am left with relatively no time for any psychological or spiritual need meeting time.  that is just not okay with me.
3. i have the gift and great pleasure of being able to stay home with my kids.  i realize that not all moms (or dads) can swing this and for that i am incredibly thankful.  it is a gift to be home and i think there is no better way to invest in that gift than to educate my children at home.  i know the reality of staying at home and i know that it is not always snuggles and nap time.  quite often there are moments of impudence and wildness and i am not deluded to think that this will be easy.  i am also not deluded to think that i have any idea of what this will be like at all...i just know that for me i have to think of this as a privilege and even on my darkest days remember that this a gift :).
4. i have teaching experience.  although it is limited and by that i mean in time and grade and subject.  but surely teenagers are not much different than grade schoolers, right?  just kidding.  what i plan to use from my experience teaching is the importance of planning.  planning is everything in education.  if i am going to do this i have to be prudent in my use of time.  this has not always been my strongest attribute and quite honestly this is the part that overwhelms me the most.  organization and planning do not come naturally for me.  but, thankfully God allowed me to have the experience teaching high school english which allowed me to know the process of planning and developing strategies for success. 
5. the support of our families and friends has been an invaluable contribution to our decision.  i know there will be days where i question if this was the right step for our family and there will be days that i am so frustrated with behavior and morale that i might want to put them on whatever bus happens to pass by the house that morning.  but with the support and accountability of our friends and family i know that i will have the appropriate places to vent and pull myself back together. 
6. there are so many opportunities for kids that are home schooled to get plugged in socially.  this is a big factor for me since we have a child that struggles socially.  we also have children that thrive socially.  but i would be lying if i thought about that more than i thought about calvary's struggles.  just this afternoon i watched him try to interact with a complete stranger that was so painfully awkward that i wondered if i was making the right choice to take him out of school.  i had to remind myself then and i will have to remind myself many times in the future that social ostracizing is not what will happen.  i have to be diligent in plugging ourselves in and i am thankful that calvary's special needs will be the accountability i have to make sure it happens.

my goals as a home school mom are not any different from my goals as a public school mom:  i want to raise children that are deeply rooted in their faith, that are successful on all levels, that are compassionate and generous to those around them, and that care deeply for each other and their family.  all of this is said under my own convictions.  i am in no way thinking that every parent should take their children out of school and start homeschooling.  i do not think hope is lost for any kid in the public school system.  on the contrary, i believe that there are wonderful, godly people at all the schools.  my convictions are on a personal level.  they are rooted in my belief that meeting the needs of my very large family left very little time for me to be successful in the spiritual training of my children.  when i thought about this i could not rationalize the gain for the sacrifice.  as i wrestled with this decision i remember looking at kyle one night as we sat on the couch and saying, "i just don't want to think one day 'i wish we would have...'" because i do not get a do-over. 
so, there it is. 
we are (almost) officially a home school family.  and we are excited...mostly.  there are so many things to do that at times it is overwhelming.  but i know that this is the path that our family is meant to travel and i am excited to see the fruit that will undoubtedly develop in all of our lives as a result.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. watching the kids play together in our woods.
2. the way the sun shines through the trees on the path kyle made.
3. going on pine cone hunts with the kids.
4. finley's new found love for her blanket and dolly.
5. wendy's free junior frosty coupons
6. running in to familiar faces while shopping.
7. seeing all of the kids snuggled up together to watch a movie for camp out...even if finley only lasted 1 minute.
8. the handprints of the kids on the bonus room wall.
9. watching harper and calvary climb trees.
10. listening to oliver jack sing "i'm in the lord's army" while he marches around the living room and kitchen.
11. harper's snaggly teeth slowly emerging from her gums.
12. oliver jack's "what did you say to me?" punch line to all of his knock knock jokes.
13. finley saying tushie.
14. peppermint mocha coffee
15. calvary hugging oliver jack when we come to visit him at school.

she makes me laugh...

our neighbor put this little scarecrow in our yard the other day for the kids to enjoy.  a few days later the scarecrow had wilted to a less enjoyable pose.  as we walked by the decoration harper said, "that scarecrow is so ashamed."

at least she's smart and pretty...

the other night at dinner we were praising harper's character for how she was entrusted to help a little girl in her class.  i was going on and on about how this was evidence not of how smart she was or how pretty she was but how kind, loving, trustworthy, and responsible she is.  much more valuable character traits than beauty or brains.  at the end of my long discourse i asked harper how it was going.  she responded with a sheepish grin, "i forgot her today."

the case for shame...

sometimes i am surprised by the shame i still carry. the fact that i still carry the consequence of my actions is obvious but the consequence goes deeper than even a living, breathing little girl.  i wrestle with the question of whether or not i have truly repented of my sin or if i am simply carrying it on my own hoping to some how find a way to allay myself into forgiveness.  in some symbolic sense, my shame is likened to a scourge from which i seek atonement.  i carry the weight of consequence mainly for how my choices have affected so many outside of myself.  the ripple effect has been so unexpectedly large that sometimes the guilt is crippling.  sin is not without consequence.  the transparency of my own sin has been forgiven but the shame is what has helped me remember the weight of its cost.  i am like david crying out, "o God, you see how foolish i am; and my wrongdoing is clear to you" (psalm 69:5).  and now when i sing "never will i know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" i remember the weight of my burden and i sing with tears in my eyes because the shadow of its heaviness still presses on my heart.  i once believed that walking in redemption would mean walking in total freedom.  of course i would have the natural consequence of raising my daughter in a divided home, but that spiritually i would be free of shame.  then i remember ezekiel 16 when jerusalem is referred to as an adulterous wife and the Lord says, "then, when i make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation" (ezekiel 16:63).  in this reference shame is used as a tool of remembrance.  how will i ever understand the depths from which i have been saved if i have not felt the singe of its burn?  God is just; his love is deep enough to be hurt by our decisions.  as jerusalem is compared to an adulterous wife, God's wrath is made evident.  he keeps his covenant but the weight of forgiveness is not an easy load to bear.  yet, the compassion of God is made evident as he says, "fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced...for a brief moment i abandoned you, but with deep compassion i will bring you back. in a surge of anger i hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness i will have compassion on you." (isaiah 54).  the seeming paradox illustrates that there is a place for my shame in my relationship with God; as long as it crumples me to the ground at his feet then it serves its purpose.  david's shame causes him to sing out in praise, "he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire" (psalm 40:2).  and while from the outside i grow further and further away from that college dormitory nestled cozily in the hills of eastern tennessee, my shame reminds me of just how closely i am knit to the nature that rooted me in the pain of terrible choices.  i am not where i was then.  none of us are.  harper is surrounded by love.  i could not imagine the emotions of our situation being any better.  we have, through only God, created a family for her.  this family is rooted in compassion, love, and unbelievably at times, forgiveness.  it could be easy to forget.  i could at times hide my shame.  i could pretend like nothing has happened.  no one would have to know that the beginning of harper's story started out so broken.  yet hiding my shame only fans hers.  my prayer has been that harper would not have to carry the weight of my choices and although that is unlikely not reconciling my past or taking responsibility for my own actions only shifts the weight on to her.  i never want her to carry my pain any more than i have already asked of her.  if i was to become prideful or find myself righteous in anyway i would be denying the depth of His redemption.  shame is the antidote for pride or self-righteousness.  i must have been a pious little lady and yet i am thankful for my shame because it causes me to "remember therefore from where" i "have fallen" (revelation 2:5).  from this view shame is not crippling or sad.  it serves only as a reminder of just how sweet it is to be loved by Him...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. oliver jack pushing finley on his bike.

2. oliver jack riding finley on the radio flyer trike with her arms wrapped around his middle.
3. finley laughing all the way.
4. watching finley, oliver jack, calvary, and harper play ring around the rosies.
5. finley and harper's new haircuts.
6. finley clasping her hands together and shrugging her shoulders and smiling with unspeakable glee anytime we mention anything she understands.
7. sneaking peeks into harper's ballet class to watch her dance.
8. the fact that oliver jack can still not reach the light switches...sigh...he's still a baby.
9. hearing the kids sing veggie tales songs.
10. finley standing against the time-out wall and fake crying.
11. giving the kids "pocky" and hearing them say "i love pocky!".
12. to contradict last week, all of the nice uninterrupted sleep i've been getting!
13. harper asking me to hug her and lay beside her when i tuck her in at night.
14. the moments this week where harper has willingly allowed me to correct her as we work through her homework...last year she would try to explain to me why her wrong answer was indeed right instead of looking for what could possibly be wrong.  she is so much more teachable this year.
15. calvary wiping finley's nose with a tissue.  maybe not a big deal to most, but it literally brought tears to my eyes.  finley is the best therapy for calvary!
16. finley "telling" secrets.
17. harper, calvary, and oliver jack having pillow fights.
18. the sound of their laughter = joy.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. secretly i love that oliver jack wants to come and sleep in our room at night.
2. i also secretly love that finley likes to cuddle and sometimes needs to sit on my lap to settle down to go to sleep.
3. oliver jack saying, "oh snap!".
4. calvary bringing home sheets upon sheets of things that he has done at free art time that are filled completely with 2+2=4, 11+1=12, 6+3=9, and so on and so on and so on...so foreign to me :)
5. harper working on christmas presents.
6. harper working on a birthday gift for her best friend.  going through her stuff and picking out anything that she sees that is purple because purple is bria's favorite color.
7. celebrating awesome news with awesome friends.
8. calvary wanting to take his artwork from school to mr. and mrs. levi.
9. mrs. levi's excitement about calvary bringing his artwork to her and giving him tootsie rolls in exchange.
10. finley's love for coffee...she never gets more than a sip but boy oh boy does she love it.
11. a curtain in the play room.
12. finley "singing" with the cartoons.
13. harper finally starting to understand the heart of a battle we have been having for a few weeks.
14. not having satellite tv.
15. cutting our power bill in half because of the phenomenal weather.
16. trying to teach my kids how to play four-square.
17. harper making a treasure map and burying candy in the dirt as the treasure...and not using a box.
18. the end of the day when i am finally able to enjoy some time with just my family.
19. the anticipation of thanksgiving.
20. my husband's desire to take such good care of us...he is too good for me.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. sleeping through the night with only one night time visitor...ahhh sweet slumber.
2. saving money by cutting satellite.
3. halloween costumes.
4. halloween candy.
5. holding hands with oliver jack.
6. watching finley hold out her little hand to hold hands with one of her siblings.
7. finley finally learned how to push herself on the little trike outside.
8. calvary pushing finley in the cozy coupe.
9. harper's sense of pride as she was entrusted with helping a new child with special needs in her class get to and from the cafeteria and to and from her special education class.
10. the sense of pride i felt in knowing that she has learned to appreciate and love people from many different backgrounds and feeling as if we, her family, has been partly responsible in fostering that heart.
11. calvary riding a school bus for the first time for a field trip--his excitement was contagious.
12. calvary trick-or-treating by saying, "the big bad wolf wants some candy!".
13. having coffee with a friend and realizing that i rarely get out.
14. play dates with kids and moms that i enjoy :)
15. oliver jack getting in the creek at the park and consequently getting himself covered in mud so that we have to strip him down to his skivvies to leave...oh the looks i get while i am out anyway coupled with this makes me one phenomenal spectacle.
16. kyle surprising me with candy and diet dr. pepper on his way home from work.
17. hand me downs

and now a word for our teachers...

there are many people out in the world that are ready to bash the people that instruct our children daily.  and there are many teachers that do not take the responsibility seriously and fail to realize the impact that they have not only on a child for a year but a child for a lifetime and their entire family. 
as a former teacher i can admit that sometimes the daily maintence and sheer volume of bodies in the classroom can be a distraction and lead to careless mistakes that are fundamentally critical in a child's development.  my prayer is that my heart was made evident and that i did more good than harm.  but for the harm i caused, i pray for forgivness. 
teaching is a huge responsibility.  i will forever remember lady mcd orienting myself and other new teachers with james 3:1 that says, "not many of you should presume to be teachers, my brothers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly". i thought i understood the gravity of that statement as i instructed other's children but my understanding of the responsibility greatly evolved as i entrusted my own sweet babies to teachers other than myself. 
i suddenly understood how easily a teacher could mess up my kid. 

then i thought about calvary.  i thought about all the things that i always think about with calvary.  oh the thinks you can think :) 

i have posted before about all of my apprehensions about calvary and school.  and i have marvelled at how well he has transitioned into a classroom this year.  i have watched as he has been excited day after day to learn new skills and how he mind has evolved to learn even more on his own.  i have also been on the other end of phone calls from his teacher...not with news of problems, but with news of how well he has been doing. 

just the other day i sat with his teacher for his conference and she told me how she makes sure that every morning she goes through the schedule for the day so that calvary will know exactly what to expect at every part of the day.  she also told me that she has learned to decipher this "look" calvary gets on his face when he needs some time to difuse and she allows him to separate himself to the computers for a few minutes to gather himself.  she also told me that calvary has made great strides in communicating his needs with her (a huge step for him).  she told me that when he gets nervous he starts to pace in place almost like a boxer.  she also told me that he has a habit of jumping up and down when he is exceptionally excited or in need of talking with her.  she told me that he hates to get things wrong...but she is working with him to understand that as long as he tries his best he has done a great thing. 

as she spoke i felt the gratitude well up in my chest.  this teacher was an answer to my prayers.  you see, this entire year i have prayed that his teacher would see calvary for who he is...and i know without a doubt that this teacher knows calvary's heart.  she took the time to learn all about him. 

i wanted to tell her what a blessing she was to our life and as i did tears unexpectedly pooled up in my eyes.  i felt silly.  but this is my child.  this is my son whom i have loved before he was even born.  this is my son whom i have grieved my inability at times to understand, correct, or comfort.

what a gift she has been not only to my son but to our entire family.

fridays musings...

things i am loving about life this week:

1. finley's little laugh...she is thinking more and more things are laugh out loud funny and it is becoming more and more exciting to figure out what sets her off.
2. calvary's beautiful little mind and figuring out how it works.
3. watching harper and calvary walk out to the car with harper's arms wrapped lovingly and protectively around his shoulders.  i just thought i loved watching them hold hands; but this i might love even more.
4. kyle's excitment about doing something about which he is passionate.
5. snuggling with oliver jack and finley in the mornings after we drop harper and calvary off at school.  this has become my new motivation for getting all the beds made before drop off instead of after. 
6. learning how to be more responsible...i.e: behaving like a grown up.
7. sewing projects.
8. sewing projects that lead to more creative projects.
9. friends that join in the fun of sewing projects that lead to more creative projects.
10. praying about big life decisions and receiving the peace that i needed to be excited about the future!
11. finley in a vintage baby dress reading a book in my adored yellow chair.
12. oliver jack looking over at finley in the car and saying, "mommy, finley is beautiful.  she's a princess.".
13. oliver jack asking me for a "beautiful push" on his bike.
14. teachers that are patient enough to learn the special needs of children. 
15. reading through the stack of harper's writing samples at school that have all been about how much she loves her family...sometimes she puts up such a front at home that it is nice to have these moments when i realize that she really does love me :)
16. harper and calvary begging to have a sleepover.
17. oliver jack wanting me to kiss his hands before bed so that he can keep those kisses "just in case he needs them".
18. friends that just get me.

homeless harper the happy hobo...

over the past years harper has earned herself a less than favorable reputation.  she, without any hesitation, will eat candy from any location---be it the floor, the trashcan, or any parking lot anywhere.  i have to tell my seven year old child that she cannot eat candy from the parking lots.  she, also without hesitation, will eat leftovers from the trashcan if she finds them desirable.  she also eats her food as if at any given point someone will suddenly try to reach over and grab it. 
it is for these reasons that harper has earned herself the nickname "homeless harper the happy hobo".  she has mostly eluded any pictorial or video evidence of her less than lady-like behavior, but the other night, under the guise of filming something finley was doing at the table, i was able to catch harper at her best. 
it needs to be emphasized that no part of this is staged.  harper did not realize that i was filming her or even paying her any attention.  she only saw the crumbs of finley's cupcake and noodles of her leftover spaghetti. 

kyle also wanted me to mention that just yesterday harper found a wrapper in her trick or treat bag from last year that still had chocolate on it.  what did she do?  she licked the chocolate off of the wrapper.  yep.  homeless harper strikes again. 

vintage finley (at 16 months)...

today we had a little impromptu photo shoot with little finley rose.  it all started with her finding and retrieving to me a little antique baby gown.  she wanted me to put it on her, and even though finley is not incredibly vocal, her requests will be made known if a person is willing to figure out her clues.  i tried to explain to her that there was no way the gown would fit on her because it is intended for newborns...she remained fervent in her desire.  imagine my shock when i put my precious 16 month old baby in the little dress and it fit...not only did it fit but she looked so sweet and oddly perfectly vintage that she didn't even seem anachronistic.  i just knew i had to take some pictures.  so i took one of our yellow dining room chairs outside and took as many pictures as the boys would allow (5 minutes).  i am so happy that she wanted to wear the dress and extra happy that i have pictures of how sweet she looked.  sad for me to realize that she is quickly growing and yet this is how i'll remember her.

friday musings...

things i am loving about life this week:

1. how the kids call a group cuddle time a "snuggle pot". ("come get in the snuggle pot daddy!")
2. watching finley do her version of a run to greet kyle when he gets home.  her joy is precious and makes me fall even more in love with kyle.
3. after i squished calvary into several uncomfortable positions all the while asking him, "would you let me sleep in here like this?" he finally told me, "i would sleep any way you wanted as long as you were in here..." (melt this momma's heart)
4. finley's love for bare bellies...especially mine and jack's...i think she has a thing for squishy.
5. harper's laugh...basically the sound of true joy...i think heaven will ring with the sounds of that laugh.
6. kyle sending me sweet texts during the day.
7. oliver jack's recent transition from always wanting to be the bad guy (yikes!) to suddenly wanting to be a musketeer so that finley can be the princess that needs to be saved.
8. calvary finding words that he knows everywhere and in every thing...it is as if he is looking at a magic picture and the image is suddenly jumping out from behind all of the squiggly lines and fuzzy colors.  he sees words within words, words made out of tree limbs, words made out of noodles, words on signs, and wherever he can imagine they are.
9. my new haircut...well it is three weeks old...but i am finally getting used to it and figuring out how to style it myself.  it is funny how a haircut can make me feel totally different yet totally like myself at the same time. 
10. coffee.  enough said.
11. clean windows. 
12. curtain tie back hooks installed in my bedroom so i can pull the curtains back and see the woods (thanks kyle :) ).
13. calvary riding his big wheel full speed down the hill of our driveway and then power sliding around in the grass.
14. kyle working on the tree house.
15. the kids playing restaurant out there and asking me to make them signs for fast food restaurants.
16. days off of school...nothing better than us all being together.
17. watching harper eat like a starved chipmunk.
18. finley's empathy.  i joke that she is not so smart but she can sit on my lap and watch me read a story about a missing child and even though i am not crying my body language must evoke to her that something is wrong because she suddenly gets concerned and turns to me and gives me her "sad baby" face...she is definitely in touch with those around her.
19. feeling excited for the family across the street as they move into their new house.  i am so excited for them!  i remember what it was like to move in to your brand new home and it just makes me happy for them knowing what they are feeling...
20. having a thankful heart.

friday musings...

things i am loving about life this week...

1. finley saying the word "tushie" and pointing to her belly.
2. harper's missing two front teeth.
3. playing tag.
4. the fact that calvary is just about too fast for me to catch him while playing tag.
5. oliver jack cried for me when someone broke one of my favorite bowls.
6. listening to calvary read.
7. good conversations with awesome friends.
8. my pink lemonade colored mums for my front porch.
9. the awesome asphalt apron for our driveway...we love it!
10. watching finley check on anyone that is crying or hurt.
11. harper's motherly nature as she plays with finley.
12. snuggling while watching movies with the windows open and cool, fall air breezing in.

finding balance...

it is no secret that housework usually falls victim to neglect in this household and i have struggled with finding the balance between doing the things i really want to do (make memories with my family) and the things that need to be done (laundry, dishes, toilets...).  over the years i have developed many fad-type solutions that start strong and quickly fade away into failure.  and then there i am.  standing in a sea of filth with happy children.  their happiness dissolves once their dear old mom loses it as i stare at an enormous pile of laundry that seems insurmountable.  the living areas begin to implode because even though my children have absolutely no qualms with creating enormous messes they refuse to play in that mess.  they only like rooms that have the maximum potential for destruction.
after doing a personality study at a professional development seminar while i was teaching i learned so much about my personality and why it was sometimes difficult for me to be understood by my principal...you see i, myself and an art teacher were the ONLY teachers in the entire high school that had a type I personality.  better yet, the head of my department also happened to be my principal and she had a type C personality.  i learned that day that type I personalities drove type C people crazy.  awesome.  anyway, that's for a whole other post.
but in learning about my personality i realized why i struggled so much with housework. 
according to chris witt's (speaker, coach, author) a person with type I personality at their best can*:

• communicate a vision, mission or goal, in a way that inspires others to adopt it and work toward achieving it
• be enthusiastic and creative
• see the best in others and help them to believe in their abilities

most of these characteristics lend themselves awesomely to one side of being a great parent and teacher.  i love to do things in a new and exciting way.  and there are only so many ways that you can clean a toilet and none of those ways are inspiring. 
witt goes on to say that at a type I's worst they can*:

• shirk your homework, relying on your ability to talk your way out of any trouble.
• lack follow--through rarely finishing what you begin
• be superficial and glib

well then.  i am most resistant to hold on to the concept of being superficial and glib but seeing how the other two are spot on for me i am sadly beginning the think that the reality is that i most be both.  lack of follow and shirking other responsibilities that seem mundane are exactly the reasons why i struggle so much with the maintenance side of being a great parent and teacher.  i would much rather build a train track then fold laundry and i would much rather discuss a great novel then write lesson plans.  but all of it needs to be done. 

as a proactive means of self-improvement witt offers ways to help be at my best*:

• develop time management skills
• listen. question. pause. consider.
• be more discriminating.  learn how to appraise people more realistically.
• resist the urge to do something new.  rein in your impulses.

basically all of my fad moments of genius were just tell-tale type I moments.  i thought in those moments i was overcoming all of my personality flaws and becoming the best mommy/housewife the world had ever seen.  not so. 
since i started to realize my own shortcomings as it comes to this side of maintenance and order i have started to rely on others for guidance.  i have taken bits and pieces of realistic genius and added it to my own life and the results have been magical (a bit of drama makes this subject a little less boring).  developing time management skills was an overwhelming concept for me so i am grateful that it is something in which other people are gifted. 
so here is my list of borrowed house maintenance tips that have become of treasure trove of sanity for my home. 

1. NO TOYS DOWNSTAIRS.  this one comes from christy.  it looks differently in her house because her rule is no toys in the living room/kitchen.  but the heart of the law is that to have a functioning home kid stuff cannot completely take over.  it is easier to maintain their mess if it is limited to a certain area.  of course we let this rule slide when friends are over or for special circumstances, but for the most part my downstairs keeps a certain level of clutter free wonderfulness that no one complains. 
2. NEVER GO TO BED WITH DISHES IN THE SINK.  this one comes from alli.  this has really been an easy  way to truly start each day fresh.  there is nothing worse than having to deal with yesterday's dirty dishes first thing in the morning. 
3. ONLY WASH WHAT WILL BE DRIED AND PUT AWAY.  this one comes from christy too and it has saved my laundry life.  i used to be victim of washing every load and piling it in a corner until i had time to fold and put away.  but now i feel like i get more laundry done and i never have piles of clean clothes cluttering up my bedroom. 
4. CLEAN ONE EXTRA ROOM A DAY.  this is my own.  but it has actually worked for me.  instead of trying to clean every room one day i work at maintaining the common rooms like the bonus room and the kitchen and then each night i try and clean one other room...like our bathroom or the kids bathroom. 
5. MAKE THE BEDS.  this one comes from my mom.  she always had us make our beds or she made them and i never really understood the need for that.  but it is such a simple way to make things feel tidy.  and i love tidy. 

my house work list of commandments, although borrowed and amended, have made it to where i am rarely facing the stress of anxiety of preparing for a visit.  i am not embarrassed to have someone unexpectedly show up.  and as a whole we are happier and coincidentally able to spend more time together...

i definitely welcome any other  ideas for house maintenance simplicity...Lord knows i can't really come up with them on my own.



*http://www.wittcom.com/DISC_I_personality.htm

finley rose is 15 months old!!!



finley in the woods...

september marked finley's 15th month of life on the outside.  she is (kind of) growing and (kind of) changing everyday.

the truth is that i find it difficult to hide my surprise when someone tells me how big she has gotten.  mostly because i know the only thing that has really grown on her is her hair.  at the doctor's office the other day she measured in at the 5th percentile and the <5th percentile for weight.  i make jokes about her not being very smart but i really think that she is really just very quiet.  she knows exactly what is going on around her but the fact that she is delightfully content paired with her naturally quiet disposition leaves her with little to say or complain about.  she mostly wants to cuddle.  and even though she is officially weaned she still craves the closeness.  she has absolutely no interest in nursing, but she constantly brushes my hair out of the way or pulls at my clothes just to put her cheek against my skin.  i can't say that i hate that.  she occasionally wakes in the middle of the night and she will go back to sleep straight away only if she is laying on one of our chests.  she is a pretty good sport but unlike oliver jack she is less smitten with her older brothers and sister.  she loves calvary because he keeps the most distance.  he, having written the book on personal space, is the only one of her siblings that seems to realize that she is indeed a real person and even though it may be funny to dress her up in build a bear clothes or mommy's pants like some sort of hooded long skirt she might have her own agenda.  for that reason she usually gravitates to him.  harper is sort of wearing out her welcome.  finley's patience has been worn thin, but harper is slowly winning her over with her new game where finley is the princess and harper is her servant.  all finley cares about is the fact that harper lets her carry around a purse.  perhaps one of my most favorite things is finley's empathetic side.  she does not like to see people upset or hurt.  after watching me comfort someone after a fall or sibling argument she will often times offer a hug or gentle pat on the back.  she loves to hug oliver jack and she squeals with laughter to kiss him at nap time.  she's not without her flaws...she is getting quite used to being doted upon and her picky eating rivals that of her father's...but she is a delightful gift.  every moment is a blessing.  and i become increasingly aware of that fact every single day...



she loves to cuddle...



she is silly



15 months old

she loves her brother...

friday musings...

things i am loving this week:

1. the story that harper raised her hand and asked her teacher if she could go give calvary a hug when she saw his class happen to walk past the hall.
2. her teacher let her.
3. and i might love even more that calvary was the one who excitedly relayed this story to me the minute he crawled into the car at pick up.
4. watching calvary and harper hold hands as they walk out of the school to get into the van.
5. finley's ruffle birdie print pants.
6. oliver jack kissing finley's cheek before nap.
7. how finley refuses to hold anyone else's hand during prayer time besides calvary.
8. watching the kids eat popsicles on the porch after school.
9. kyle building a tree house for the kids.
10. hearing oliver jack say, "thank you mommy for making this" every night at dinner.
11. hanging out with friends.
12. hearing oliver jack recite a nursery rhyme.
13. the dollar store...and how harper always picks office supplies, calvary always picks something that amazingly breaks immediately, and oliver jack always picks a weapon.

friday's musings...

no better way to start the weekend then to think about all of the things that i am loving about life right now...

1. finley sleeping on my chest right this very minute.  i rubbed my hands across her back and i had a nostalgic moment of running my hands across a very pregnant belly two junes ago...
2. the freckles across the bridge of oliver jack's nose...
3. calvary's giddy laugh when i come in to his room to check on him at night and how he scoots over so we can snuggle...
4. harper's sweet love note that she left under my pillow so i would find it right before bed...
5. watching the excitement of the kids when they hear the door open and shut when kyle comes home...
6. watching harper and calvary hug and kiss each other as they part ways in front of the school each morning...
7. kyle's hugs...
8. taking harper to ballet; those moments with just the two of us are precious and few.
9. calvary's lack of self-consciousness when it comes to fashion (high striped socks, leg warmers, and in-side-out jackets) because it completely contradicts his self-consciousness when it comes to every thing else...
10. campfires in our woods.  so many things about that statement make me happy...the fact that it is fall and campfires are appropriate, the fact that our family is together, and the fact that it is *our* woods...
11. how at the mere hint of rain my kids think that it is movie time.  oliver jack watched the leaves blow in the wind and he said, "you see it blowing mommy? we better go inside and watch a uubi."
12. walking in this morning and seeing oliver jack and harper snuggled up in her bed while she read books to him...
13. seeing calvary excited about starting to read all by himself...
14. the time after the kids go to sleep where kyle and i can have a couple of hours to ourselves...
15. the time just after nap time when jack wants to snuggle...

she takes after her sister...

finley rose...15 months old

finley rose....4 months old

the more i learn...

i realize how little i know.

every day i learn a little more about this parenting gig.  and somehow every day everything that i learn seems to totally up heave everything that i thought that i knew.  i find myself having thoughts like, "i only thought i was sad when harper went to school...it will only be when finley goes to school that i will truly realize how much this hurts".  i am more and more conscious of the fact that i have no idea what i am walking in to...

this sunday i was sitting in church and on one side of me was my wonderful husband that i love with all of my heart and on the other side of me was my baby brother and his sweet, strong wife.  and at one point i thought to myself (as i apparently do often) that i would be so happy if one day my children were sitting happily praising God in church with their families...and all at once...as if God himself captured my thoughts...an image of my older brother flashed in my mind.

as much joy as nicholas and i bring my parents their hearts are constantly grieving.  michael is unhappy.  he is lost in the sorrow of emptiness.  and my parents do not grieve his absence with the pride of someone who is embarrassed of something broken but with the broken heartedness of someone who has lost a great treasure.

i don't pretend to be a theologian but it is in these moments that i feel like i catch a glimpse of God's character that makes me wonder how anyone could or would believe that God would want any of his own children to be lost for eternity.  God's love is so much greater than the love of two fallen parents and yet my parents sit waiting, hoping, yearning for the day that my brother sits beside us all whole.  not perfect.  just whole.  if that is the image of my own parents how much more does God long to have him return? 

the love i once had was limited to the love of a daughter or the love of a sister.  i never wanted to disappoint my parents and i wanted my brothers to be happy.  but then i became a mother and everything changed.  i cannot imagine the pain that my parents have felt only because the pain i have now through empathy i know pales in comparison to the real deal.  i have learned that their pain is not a selfish pain.  their pain is a pain rooted in the despair they feel knowing that he is hurting.  even in the times that he doesn't realize he is hurting.  i no longer feel like the jealous brother that wonders why my father celebrates the return of my self-exiled brother.  instead, i anxiously wait on the day that i can look to my left and see him there. 

my own children are only babies.  i have only had to loosen my grip enough to let them wear crazy socks or choose dance over soccer.  moments like sunday are moments that cement how little i understand what it is i am up against.  my prayer today is that i can consecrate my children into God's hands.  that i will trust God to take care of them in my admission that i cannot pave their way.  i pray for my brother's return...

i am thankful for the love of God; he never gives up.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they bring such joy.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to be less selfish.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to live simply.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us how to love.

harper lost her first top tooth...

before the action

(picture compliments of calvary)

after: the toothless wonder

harper has been wiggling this top tooth since last school year.  it takes her quite a while to actually work the tooth enough for it to be ready to be lost, but she finally had enough.  the tooth was completely disconnected on one side and stubbornly hanging on to the other side.  kyle took a piece of floss and looped it around the edge and gave a quick yank...the tooth never stood a chance to kyle's brawn.  i have to give it to harper; she is incredibly tough when she wants something.  kyle and harper wrestled with that tooth for a solid week before they finally reached their limit.  harper wanted to go to a yard sale and wanted the tooth fairy's money to spend.  i'm not sure why she wanted to go to a yard sale so desperately.  i used to call her a hoarder, but i think she is more of a picker.  she went to sleep friday night a happy and excited little girl. 

oliver jack kicked the habit!

 this week oliver jack passed his pacifiers on to the paci fairy.  i know, i know...people cannot believe that we let him have a pacifier for this long, but the reality is that it really isn't a big deal to me.  harper had hers until she was almost 3.  calvary gave his up close to 3.  and oliver jack follows suit.  one morning, after riding calvary's bike for a few days, oliver jack mentioned that he wanted his own bike.  i told him that when he is ready to give his paci up the paci fairy might bring him a bike.  his excitement was hand flapping obvious and he said he wanted to give them up that night!  we ran with it and, keeping the murray tradition, he talked to the paci fairy on the phone, tied his paci to the tree, and went to bed without his beloved paci.  he has not shed a single tear.  he let go of his paci without any of the drama that harper had...(please, mommy...just tell me you know its hard...tell me you understand) or the midnight cries of calvary.  he had a difficult time falling asleep that first night but i think that may have more to do with his excitement rather withdrawals.

the next morning he woke up and found a shiny new bike sitting under the same tree where he left his paci.  he was so excited he could hardly handle it.  ...hands were flapping, feet were rarely on the ground... he has been riding his bike every day and has figured out the pedals and even figured out how to brake...which is a good thing for going top speed down our drive way.  the only sad part about the whole deal is the all too familiar recognition that he is growing up.  he looks so big on the seat of his "rocket bike".  he is loosing so much of that baby chub and starting to look more and more like a real boy.  but mostly i am just proud of him...

granny.

i never knew her as anything else. some have called her mother, sister, co-worker, or friend but i knew her as granny. the name strikes me as ill-fitting now. actually, i always thought that when i mentioned my granny to friends outside of family that i needed to follow up with a clarifying statement because my granny was indeed not the granny i visualize when i hear that word. usually i picture a sweet, little old lady sitting in a rocking chair with her glasses perched on the edge of her nose while she knits. i'm not sure what she is knitting, but in my mind a granny always knits. my granny. she didn't sit in a rocking chair. she didn't wear her glasses perched on the end of her nose. she didn't wear her gray hair in a bun on the top of her head. and she definitely did not knit. i would have loved if she did any of those things, because it would have been her. but my granny. my granny was fierce. fiercely independent and fiercely tenacious.

i called my son "sweetheart" the other day and the emotions swept over me like an unexpected thunderstorm.  i remembered how she would answer the phone and say, "hello, sweetheart!".  i remembered all of the times she told me she loved me followed by the same name.  i cried for missing her.  my world is a little lonelier without her.

i like to read...

one of the greatest tragedies of mothering for me has been the lack of time that i have carved out for reading.  sometimes i even forget how much i enjoy reading.  i talk about how i used to love to read and that person has become so separate from the person that i am now that it is almost like i am talking about someone else.  but recently i fell off the wagon.  i picked up a book and three days later i am still processing what i have read and craving more.  kyle is my pusher.  maybe it is because he is the most darling husband in the world and he likes to see me happy or maybe it is because football is in full swing and he hopes my nose will be buried in a book therefore neglecting any and all housewives shows freeing the tv, but he keeps offering to bring me a book making it painfully aware that even he is struck by the oddity that i read a book.  but it happened. 
i started reading Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers and i fell in love with it all over again.  i read it once before while i was in college.  well, let me clarify.  i read it once while i was in college, going through an unexpected pregnancy and running to the wrong things while running away from the right things.  i aligned myself with sarah.  i aligned kyle with michael hosea.  and i was so blinded by my own situation that i failed to digest all the beautiful parts of the story. 
this time, as a mother, i grieved the devastation of sarah's lost childhood.  the abuse disgusted me.  and i thought about all of the children in the world that are not fiction that live the reality of this prose and i cried.  this time i didn't think of myself as sarah but one of my own children.  somehow it seemed so much more unbearable for me.  even though i have already read the novel in its entirety once before, i had to keep reading just to make sure that things turned out alright. 
at one point sarah acknowledges michael's notion of God by asking him where God was when she was being raped as an 8 year old little girl, or when she watched her mother grieve over the neglect of alex, or any of the other terrible moments of her life and thought how difficult it has to be to reconcile God to a person's life in moments like that.  i have read the poem about sand and footsteps and i appreciate the beauty of knowing that God is constantly present in my life but that is because my faith has already been established.  and even though my faith has been established that does not mean that it has not be shaken.  i have cried out, "oh God, where are you in this moment!?" thinking that he has left me only to realize later that he had not.  but what about the people that have not established a relationship with God yet? my heart is broken for the people that believe that they are facing the world on their own.
at one point sarah tells michael, "i want to be free michael, just for once in my whole life i want to be free." to which he responds, "you are free.  you just don't know it yet." and the more i think about the concept of freedom and God i keep coming back to the reality of sin and consequence.  sarah didn't set initiate the pendulum of terrible events in her life but the fact is that she carried the weight of her mother's sin.  and then her mother's sin turned into her own.  and then she was so deep in the miry clay that it seemed like the only way out was to be suffocated by it. 
we have two choices.  we can either accept the sin and consequently accept death.  or we can accept the consequence and the truth that freedom truly does come at a cost. 
to me it seems like an easy choice but as michael says, "for some of us, one mile can be more to walk than 30".
i wanted to keep reading.  i wanted the story to continue and kyle sweetly suggested finding out if there was a sequel to which i told him that once the main character is dead there are really not any open doors for a sequel.  and truthfully, francine rivers does a tremendous job of tying up all lose ends and offering complete closure for her readers. 
it's just that reading this book was like watching hope.  the last book i read was in 2009.  no joke; i blogged about it too.  The 5 People you Meet in Heaven left me feeling isolated and offered no answer to the question of "where are you God?".  Redeeming Love not only challenged my ideas that God has ever left us but made me fall more in love with Him.  instead of wondering what did i do to deserve any bad thing that has ever happened to me, i am left wondering what did i do to deserve a God like this to love a person like me?

dust in the nursery

Ruth Hubert Hamiliton
originally published as "Song for a Fifth Child"




Mother, oh Mother, come shake out your cloth


empty the dustpan, poison the moth,

hang out the washing and butter the bread,

sew on a button and make up a bed.

Where is the mother whose house is so shocking?

She's up in the nursery, blissfully rocking.



Oh, I've grown shiftless as Little Boy Blue

(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).

Dishes are waiting and bills are past due

(pat-a-cake, darling, and peek, peekaboo).

The shopping's not done and there's nothing for stew

and out in the yard there's a hullabaloo

but I'm playing Kanga and this is my roo.

Look! Aren't her eyes the most wonderful hue?

(lullaby, rockaby, lullaby loo).



The cleaning and scrubbing will wait till tomorrow,

for children grow up, as I've learned to my sorrow.

So quiet down, cobwebs. Dust go to sleep.

I'm rocking my baby and babies don't keep.

hugs...

when i tuck calvary in at night i always pray that he sleeps soundly wrapped up snug in God's love.  tonight, after i said the words, calvary reached out his arms and hugged himself and said "come here God and give me a big hug!" i laughed and started to leave the room.  when i got to the door way he said, "you know, when you hug yourself you are hugging God". 
i love that little boy.  his mind is such a precious gift and i am thankful that God shared that gift with me.

the importance of good spelling...



she aims high

 every week harper and calvary bring home countless papers and pieces of artwork from school.  i would like to say that i spend a good deal of time combing each page individually but usually i just glean areas of strengths and weaknesses and give the appropriate amounts of ooohs and ahhhs over their use of stencils and colors. 
but every once in a while i come across something that is beyond anything i could anticipate.

harper was already at school when i found this jewel.  harper is a phenomenal reader, but not a great speller.  sometimes this leads to rather humorous mistakes.  as i read my daughter's words, "i want a hore one day.  she will be abal to run fast. i will teach her to jump. and she will be the best houre ever.", i tried to figure out what could be her intention.  surely my daughter wants more in life than to be a pimp to athletic whores.  i feel as if i have instilled values that would take her down a different path.  one without women of the night. i guess on the positive side, at least she was wanting to own a whore instead of be one herself.  i wondered what her teacher thought.  i also wondered how she even knew what a whore was.  overall, i was deeply concerned. 

then i flipped the picture over and laughed. 

she meant a horse!  of course.  it was at this moment that i realized that i need to work on harper and her spelling.