the more i learn...

i realize how little i know.

every day i learn a little more about this parenting gig.  and somehow every day everything that i learn seems to totally up heave everything that i thought that i knew.  i find myself having thoughts like, "i only thought i was sad when harper went to school...it will only be when finley goes to school that i will truly realize how much this hurts".  i am more and more conscious of the fact that i have no idea what i am walking in to...

this sunday i was sitting in church and on one side of me was my wonderful husband that i love with all of my heart and on the other side of me was my baby brother and his sweet, strong wife.  and at one point i thought to myself (as i apparently do often) that i would be so happy if one day my children were sitting happily praising God in church with their families...and all at once...as if God himself captured my thoughts...an image of my older brother flashed in my mind.

as much joy as nicholas and i bring my parents their hearts are constantly grieving.  michael is unhappy.  he is lost in the sorrow of emptiness.  and my parents do not grieve his absence with the pride of someone who is embarrassed of something broken but with the broken heartedness of someone who has lost a great treasure.

i don't pretend to be a theologian but it is in these moments that i feel like i catch a glimpse of God's character that makes me wonder how anyone could or would believe that God would want any of his own children to be lost for eternity.  God's love is so much greater than the love of two fallen parents and yet my parents sit waiting, hoping, yearning for the day that my brother sits beside us all whole.  not perfect.  just whole.  if that is the image of my own parents how much more does God long to have him return? 

the love i once had was limited to the love of a daughter or the love of a sister.  i never wanted to disappoint my parents and i wanted my brothers to be happy.  but then i became a mother and everything changed.  i cannot imagine the pain that my parents have felt only because the pain i have now through empathy i know pales in comparison to the real deal.  i have learned that their pain is not a selfish pain.  their pain is a pain rooted in the despair they feel knowing that he is hurting.  even in the times that he doesn't realize he is hurting.  i no longer feel like the jealous brother that wonders why my father celebrates the return of my self-exiled brother.  instead, i anxiously wait on the day that i can look to my left and see him there. 

my own children are only babies.  i have only had to loosen my grip enough to let them wear crazy socks or choose dance over soccer.  moments like sunday are moments that cement how little i understand what it is i am up against.  my prayer today is that i can consecrate my children into God's hands.  that i will trust God to take care of them in my admission that i cannot pave their way.  i pray for my brother's return...

i am thankful for the love of God; he never gives up.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they bring such joy.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to be less selfish.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us to live simply.
i am thankful for the gift of children because they teach us how to love.