next please...

we are now three days in to changing the dosage for calvary's medication.  we have seen an almost immediate return to the irritability and anger.  but we have also seen an a much less anxious child.  at this point it is difficult to choose the lesser of two evils. 
i feel odd...like i should be doing something but i have no idea what to do...i am not even sure what i should be researching or studying...but i am also not anxious.  i have peace but at the same time i feel ready...i'm not sure what i feel "ready" for...that is the only way i know how to describe it...ready.
so, here i am.  ready. 
he may have tore apart a room yesterday, but he went to sleep with ease.
all i know is that God has a plan for him.  and i know that we will see what that plan is.

a setback...

calvary is still at the .5 mg dosage of his medication and we have been grateful for the results that we have seen while taking it.  he has been so much less irritable and so much slower to anger than before.  christy pretty much nailed down the effect by saying that he used to go from 0-10 with very little provocation but now it is more like 0-5.  he is still quicker to react than all of my other children and he is still easily frustrated...but we lose him to meltdowns so much less frequently.  we used to have meltdowns at least daily...now, we have one every week at most. 
i struggle with what i am about to write next because i don't want to feel at all as if my faith is faltering.  i don't want to question or wonder what could be because i want my faith to be strong even when the circumstances are less than perfect.  i am still disappointed in myself for how grieved i was by the initial suggestion of calvary's diagnosis.  my faith proved weak.  and i want to stay strong and not give way to my anxieties.
but.
but one day i know i will want to remember how we have maneuvered through this situation. 
the truth is that we have seen changes in calvary that are troublesome.  the changes really started in disney world and kyle and i just chalked it up to the over-stimulation and lack of routine.  however, since we have been home the anxiety has only continued...and in some ways increased.  we still are not quite in a "normal" routine because the kids have been going to VBS all week.  we haven't been home before 9:45 so they have not been in bed before 10.  the days have been jam packed with swimming, friends, and parks. 
i was impressed with his willingness to go to VBS.  there was only one night that he refused to go and that was the night that i had decided to cut his hair earlier in the day.  most people may not see the correlation but anyone that has tried to cut his hair would understand how that pretty much takes all of him for the day. 
his parking lot anxiety has increased to the point that he held my hand and begged me to, "just get this over with".  one night he was crying laying in bed saying, "i just don't want finley to get hit by a car".  i assured him that he didn't have to worry about that. 
last year at the pool he was jumping off the diving board and swimming in the deep end.  this year he refuses to leave the shallow end and most of the time he refuses to leave my side. 
but most of his worry comes out at night.  he doesn't want to be alone.  he doesn't want the lights off.  he wants to go to sleep but he is so nervous about everything that he just asks me to sleep in the bed with him.  this is huge because calvary has NEVER wanted to share his bed with me or anyone else. 
i told him that we would pray.  i pray that he will sleep peacefully and that he will rest all wrapped snug in God's love.  i pray for his mind to be at ease.  after i pray he usually keeps his eyes closed and drifts off to sleep.  the other night he came to where kyle and i were sitting on the couch.  he was worrying about things and i told him that we just needed to pray.  so we held hands and prayed...afterwards he still didn't want to go to sleep because he was still scared.  i told him that we have asked God to take care of him and to help him sleep peacefully so now he needed to show that he believed that God was going to do what we asked by going and trying to sleep.  i was so happy to see him stand up and walk to his bed.  he believes that God is faithful.  he believes that God will take care of him.  in so many ways right now he is like me.  he needs to be reminded that what is out of our control is out of our control and we can rest in knowing that God has a plan for us.  just like me.  but anyway, he went to sleep. 
each morning i ask him if he slept peacefully and i remind him that God was faithful...
i know i can't take aways his worry but i want to point him in the direction of the One who can.  i believe that if i teach him to turn to God now that it will be easier for him to turn to God later. 
after the other night kyle started doing some more research and we learned that anxiety is one of the top three side effects of the medicine calvary is on.  most of the information provided said that the symptoms resolved after the dosage was adjusted or eliminated in just 3 days. 
i was relieved to see that this anxiety could be a side effect of the drug and not a symptom that pointed towards bipolar disorder.  i am still praying that bipolar disorder is not what we are working with and i truly believe that we are not.  i just worried that if i went to his doctor that she would immediately want to medicate the symptoms instead of acknowledging that the first medication is causing the symptom. 
so, i called a doctor that has made so many connections between autism, mood, and food and made an appointment.  she apparently is in high demand because our first appointment is august 24. 
i am not going to give up or give in so easily but i also cannot just watch my child suffer. 
i went to check on him one night and as i watched him sleep i just cried.  i feel so guilty thinking that the medication that i gave to help him could potentially be what has made his mind so riddled with worry.  it breaks my heart that his life is so difficult but i have to take my own advice...i have believe that God has a plan for calvary, i have let my specific requests be known, and now i have to walk in that belief. 
so that is what i am doing. 

Happier...

being content...

Philippians 4: 11-13
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

i have been working, and i do mean working, diligently at maintaining a thankful heart over the past few days.  it is amazing how much concentrating on how much i have to be thankful for renews my faith and confidence in the only one with the power to change life.

i have read the above passage many, many times and heard it millions more.  but yesterday i read the entire chapter through new eyes.  i love the translation that i read of verse 13 that says, "i am able because of the one who made me able." 

i feel confident in the job that i have...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6).

that's it and everything and yet still more than i feel i can handle sometimes...but it is written right there for me...and i am able because of the one who made me able...
so yesterday was not a great day for calvary.  he was very emotional.  he was overwhelmed very easily.  the cards are stacked against him right now.  we have a little boy staying with us for a couple of days and the change in routine is probably more than i should have taken on right now...but i am also want to be ready to serve whenever i can and not be so caught up in my own circumstances that i fail to see the needs of others.  the school year is wrapping up and every day he is reminded of how things are about to change.  the countdown is both exciting and sad for him.  and so yesterday was difficult.
but each time i started to get discouraged or scared i just prayed and thanked God for what he is doing in our lives. 
i thank God for monday.  what a beautiful gift it was!
i thank God for eating lunch with calvary on tuesday and how happy and excited he was to see us all. 
i thank God for the report his teacher gave me on tuesday letting me know that he has seemed so happy the past couple of days.
i thank God for the fun we all had  playing in the water.
i thank God for the relative ease calvary transitioned out of setbacks such as dinner not being his favorite. 
i thank God that even though calvary had a difficult time reconciling his desire to have fun and his inability to accept change that he was able to talk to me and use his words.
i thank God that he woke up happy this morning.
afterall, with medicine or without calvary is a boy with special needs.  hard days are hard days. 

these are the moments that i am choosing to focus on when i feel the anxiousness creep back in my head.  i also continue to petition for freedom for calvary.  freedom from the burden of a mood disorder.  i am choosing to be thankful and choosing to continue to petition instead of focusing on the what ifs or watching every little setback as a possible sign because i know that if i do as God asks that he will be faithful to what he has promised...

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " (Phil 4:7)

and the peace of God...
such a  promise to this momma's heart :)

excited..?...?..

calvary has been taking a .25 mg of his medication for 5 days now. 
yesterday it was like i woke up a different child for the day. 
he was sleeping so soundly that he didn't even know that i came in the room.  i picked out his clothes, sat beside him on his bed, and stroked his hair before he even stirred.  unlike our normal morning routine of growling about the change from weekend to school day he just gave me a huge smile.  in the midst of a chaotic weekend i had forgotten to go by the store and get milk so i nervously prepared calvary for not being able to have his only acceptable frosted flakes for breakfast.  usually, even if we are having something else that he likes such as cinnamon rolls or even on the occasion poptarts he resists quite vehemently.  yesterday morning, he said "okay" and happily sat at the table. 
after school he got into the car and proudly announced that he was the only kid to get two hershey kisses for his behavior...
i was starting to question whether calvary was simply having the best day that i could ever remember him having or if the meds were to blame (thank?). 
at this point i put the turn signal to go the opposite way than we usually do which signifies that we aren't going home.  calvary NEVER does well with having any after school activities.  usually i prepare him when he gets in the car because that helps his reaction be a little better; but if i ever forget and i start turning before i tell him...well, let's just say it isn't pretty.  even if it is something exciting like going to the park or to get a treat or to meet friends...he just doesn't want to do anything besides the expected. 
but yesterday not only were we going to the store to get milk (he HATES going to the store) but i also forgot to prepare him...the minute i pushed down the turn signal i started waiting for his reaction...but nothing. 
at this point i told them what we were doing and started watching calvary with a little more critical eye. 
at the store he asked to sit in the buggy...which is usual...but he didn't protest when oliver jack got in with him.  he never got irritated with oliver jack's invasion of his space.
finley wasn't exactly well behaved in the store and has herself a little tantrum over candy at the check out.  her correction was to lose the privilege of sharing the candy with her brothers and sister.  she cried in protest the entire ride home.  instead of screaming and growling because of the noise, calvary simply covered his ears and said, "that shouting sure does hurt my ears".
at this point, i knew. 
once we got home, calvary and harper ran off to play.  when oliver jack wanted to join in the play calvary hesitated but eventually allowed it. 
now, here's the moment that i called the doctor...
calvary still didn't really want oliver jack to play with them so he offered to let oliver jack stay in his room and play with his legos!  unheard of...really. 
calvary still had his own opinions about how things should be played.  he had energy.  but he wasn't on edge.  he had lost that intensity that i had come so familiar with that i haven't even realized how much i have catered to it. 
he has had good days...but most of those days are the result of everything being perfect...his routine, his clothes, his environment, his playmates, and his food...but this day was far from calvary's perfect. 
i called the doctor to ask if it was too soon to see results or if it was just my imagination.  she told me that it was to be expected to start seeing results.  praise the Lord! 
i then asked if we were seeing results if we could stay at the same low dosage instead of moving up to a little higher...and praise the Lord again...she said yes! 
so, yes, the meds seem to be helping my boy enjoy his life...he is smiling, he is happy.  he has laughed with oliver jack the past two mornings at breakfast and i can see oliver jack's skepticism in his eyes as they interact...he is cautiously enjoying calvary's relaxed side. 


my prayer checklist

•  we would see results with the first medicine that we try so that we won't have to go on a pill hunt
• we wouldn't have to drug him out
• that we won't see a cyclical pattern in his behavior that needs additional medications to balance indicating early on-set bipolar disorder

i know that we are early in on this, but i am choosing to believe that all of this is an answer to my very specific prayers.  i know that calvary's body could start to respond differently over the next couple of weeks. but my prayer for this medicine has always been that it will help us to rule out what it is not--i don't expect it to be a long term solution or our crutch--and i am grateful for yesterday.  i am grateful for a day that shows me what life can be for him. 

calvary is still calvary.  he doesn't like changes in his routine.  he doesn't like loud noises.  he doesn't want to share.  he doesn't like transitioning from his "obsessions". 
but yesterday, and so far today, i have seen a child that is capable of handling all of these things with far less intervention from me.  what a gift. 
still praying for my son. 
my prayer is that others will join me...

a change in perspective...

as i mentioned in an earlier post, i have been going through some semblance of grieving over the past week or so.  some moments are harder than others but the common link between them all is that i am raw.  the hardest day, by far, was the day that i filled his prescription.  the internal battle i was fighting was impossible to keep to myself and the tears flowed freely.  i haven't felt so emotional since harper's early years.  i feel the same lack of control over the future.  the possibilities are paralyzing and the fact that i cannot simply choose a path knowing that the path i am choosing is the right one is terrifying.
i am doing all i can.  but knowing that it is not enough to protect his future is awful. 
kyle has been lovingly encouraging me that being sad is not doing anything for anyone.  he encourages me not to be locked into my own experiences because 1. we do not know for sure what we are dealing with and 2. my brother's experience is not my son's.  of course being logical in emotion is not always ever possible. 
so i prayed.  i prayed for a change in perspective. 
i dreaded mother's day because i knew i was going to be emotional.  the sadness i had been waking up with was not as evident...maybe because i woke up to finley's sweet smile. 
once we arrived at church i knew i was going to have a harder time because a few sweet people asked about calvary and it was all i could do to answer without tears.  i know that i come across as rude in those moments because i seem evasive...but i have moments when i can talk about things and i have moments when i cannot.  most of the time it has to be on my terms.  on the flip side, i want people to ask about him and all of my children.  it doesn't make sense.  i made it into the service...alone...and found a seat.  harper and calvary were back in the children's worship and kyle was suckered (i mean happy) to serve in the nursery with finley and oliver jack.
i took an few extra tissues in case the mention of mother's day made me a little too weepy. 
the service was sweet and beautiful but the message was just for me. 
the change in perspective that i had been praying for was exactly what i was given.

James 5:7-11 NIV 
⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

the illustration of a farmer was profound for me because, as matt pointed out, the farmer can control everything.  he can control his ownership of the land, he can control which land to sow, he can control how he sows the land, he can control what he sows, he can control when he sows...but he cannot control the rain. 
i cannot expect to control everything and still have patience trusting that God is in control. 
matt then gave an illustration of a man who had a boulder put into his path.  he told us to imagine that boulder as our trial...of course it was easy for me to think of my boulder at this point in my life...the man could not go around, over, or under the boulder.  God told the man to push on the boulder.  so the man pushed.  he pushed and pushed and pushed.  nothing happened.  the boulder didn't move...not even a millimeter.  so the man threw up his arms and said, "i can't move it!"...to which God responded, "i didn't ask you to move it; i told you to push it."  God then showed the man how much stronger he was having pushed against an obstacle he couldn't control.  the purpose was not to change the path but to make the man stronger. 

Romans 5:3-5 NIV
3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

i have a hard time looking at this moment with calvary as "my suffering" because the reality is that my only part in it is how much i wish i can fix it for him.  i don't want him to suffer.  my suffering is born out of fear of him suffering.  yet, i do know that this is a trial.  it is a trial that our entire family will face with him.  and i know that all we are asked to do is persevere.  this trial will not last; yet the character that it creates will.  God's purpose is to refine us for eternity. 
my hope has been renewed because i am choosing to hope.  i am choosing to persevere in my faith and not be crippled by the fear of what may happen but choose to believe that whatever may happen will be purposed. 

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

my prayer is that i remember this...God has a plan for calvary.  plans to prosper him and not to harm him.  plans to give him hope and a future. 

Trying to pull myself up...

I am trying to figure out how I can go back to thinking of things through the lens of aspergers alone instead of adding on this new unknown. I fear that I am getting so fixated on figuring out this other side that I am not only forgetting that Calvary has Asperger's but that he is not defined by either. And then I worry that if I am having this difficult of a time separating him from his diagnosis how much more difficult will it be for others.
He is first and foremost a child of God. Secondly, he is my son.
All children channel the stress of their parents and although Calvary is not an empathetic child I know that he feels my burden.
I don't want him to feel that weight. I don't want him to misinterpret that weight for him. He is not the burden. These issues are not the burden; the burden is the stress of making the right choices when the future is unknown.
I am trying to pull myself up and I am praying for a renewed perspective. I know that I need to shift my focus not only off of the unknown but onto God as the author of all time.
I am trying. I really am. But this is proving to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

worry...

i have never considered myself a worrisome person.  i tend to walk the path in front of me...i always consider how my choices now may affect life later but i rarely stress about it.  even when i found out i was pregnant my senior year i was so overwhelmed with the present that i could not worry about the future.  i had college to survive. i had to survive my crumbling pride.  i had to take care of my growing baby.  i had choices to make that affected the present.  and overall, i knew it was my choices that caused all of this.  it was my consequence...that was the last time that i felt stressed.  i wasn't even worried then.  
but now.  now i am worried. 
i am worried about our future.  i am worried about his future.  i am scared about what i don't know for sure and i am terrified about what i do know. 
i have lived my entire life alongside someone with a mood disorder...the same exact mood disorder that they suspect that my son may have...and i am so scared and so worried.  it wouldn't be as scary if everything was okay now for my brother.  i could look at him and say that it was a tough few years but we came through it...but i can't say that. 
my prayers are that this is not what we are dealing with, but then ironically enough, i worry that my worry is evidence of my lack of faith which invariably accepts the words spoken over his life. 
he is just such a good boy. 
he has come so far and this weekend he played with new friends and old friends without any trouble.  he handled changes in his routine. he played happily with oliver jack in the morning while the rest of us snuck a few extra minutes of sleep.
i'm just so tired.  and as much as i know the worry doesn't help i keep finding myself doing it...
praying that God will calm my anxious heart...
praying that God will cover my son--his body was broken for calvary; his blood will spilled for calvary.
praying that we will find that his intense emotionality is just the intense emotionality common for children with asperger's and not reflective of anything additional.
praying that God will make it obvious what we need to do for our son in order to give him the best life possible.
i wish their were not limitations to that which i can control for them.  i wish i could orchestrate it perfectly for their happiness.  i wish i could make it easy for them...