Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was strange for me this year...

We are living this life that is completely opposite to everything I pursued and thought to be thankful for in years past.

We gave up the security of our little home on Baird Rd.

We are giving up the security of our income.

We are anticipating and preparing to leave the security of our home country.

In the past, my Thanksgivings were spent thanking God for the provision of these gifts and blessings,  and it made me feel almost ungrateful to know that we are seemingly throwing these gifts to the side. Yet, I have never felt so blessed and so thankful.

We are not pursuing these blessings, yet we have not once gone without a roof for our heads or food for our table.  

We are giving up the security of a set income, yet so many generous people have stepped up and given ensuring that we can do the work that God has called us to do.

My worldview is all topsy turvy and I find myself already struggling with a bit of "culture shock". I oftentimes feel confused as I process why everything feels so different.  But this Thanksgiving I just felt, well, thankful.  Thankfulness often puts us in a place of humility.  We have to admit that we have need beyond our capability to provide and then, on top of that admission, we then have to put aside our pride enough to accept the gift of the need provided.  I have never felt more vulnerable in my thankfulness.  We are completely opposite of the American concept of the self-made man and it feels weird and different but embracing this new concept of the grace made man has awakened in me the ability to see myself for what I am: a person completely reliant on God.

I love that song that says, 

"You give life, You are love

You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only."

And that is exactly what I have understood on a new level this year; it is His breath in my lungs.  With that knowledge, how could I not give everything to Him?

Nothing I have has been mine based on merit...most certainly not...and this short, very protected, experience of reliance on others and God has impacted me deep to core of my soul.  

How much more accountable am I to a gift than I am to something I feel I have earned?!  I want my mom and dad and Kyle's mom and dad to truly feel appreciated for all they have sacrificed to allow us to live in their homes.  I am quite literally incapable of expressing the emotions I feel whenever we see a new donation that comes in to our ROOM account.  It is beautiful and yet this is the accountability I should feel for every breath that I release from my lungs. I am learning that all of this is part of the process of serving God fully.  

We have been praying to have clarity about what it is exactly we will be doing in Costa Rica.  Partly for ourselves and partly so we can have more satisfying answers for people when they ask.  I believe that God gave us the most beautiful picture of what we will be doing through a ministry that my parents got us involved with recently.  My parents have been going downtown with a group from their town to distribute basic needs to the homeless.  Kyle, the kids, and I collected things to distribute and went with them.  Over the times we went, one man spoke with Kyle.  Kyle was worried about him because the temperatures were to be so cold that night so he went to get what he needed.  This man couldn't, and still can't, understand why Kyle would help him.  Kyle told him that he was the only person that spoke with him...seems simple...ask, and it is given.  This is the instruction we are given in the Bible.  Jesus is relational.  During those three years of ministry, he worked through relationships.  He is the same today.  

This is the picture God gave us for what we will be doing in Costa Rica. 

We will tend to His flock.  We will love people through relationships and prayerfully meet their needs as God provides.  Of course resources are necessary to make this possible.  But resources alone do not solve a problem.  What has affected this man and Kyle and I so much is knowing that God cares for us individually to the point where someone would seek us out and meet our needs.  

None of this is possible on any one person's abilities.  It is a beautiful circle of relationships and generosity.  We are accountable and thankful for the generosity of our sponsors in ways that we never could be if we were solely supporting ourselves and then, through relationships and generosity, these little ones will know that they are loved by God.  So through all of this, God has shown me that my life is about emptying.  

His breath is in my lungs...and I am not asked to hold it.

His love is is in my heart...and I am not asked to keep it for myself.

My house was given to me for me to open.

My life was given to me for me to lay down. 

My world view led me to believe that because God loves me individually, I am blessed.  This year, I realized that because God loves me, and you, and you, and you, and you individually He has equipped us with the ability and privilege of relying on Him and others to meet needs.

Thanksgiving is not about what I have; it is about what I am giving.

Lately...

I tentatively start this because I don't want things to sound worse than they are.  Because things are not bad.  Most days, I am baffled by how well things are going.  I would have never dreamed two years ago that my son that could not even bring himself to sleep in a different room in our house would be able to float between two houses with ease.  My parents and Kyle's parents have been so gracious. Everyone has been so supportive.

The problem, I have realized, is me.

I love to enjoy my kids.  I love to play and do special activities with them.  But....and this is a sad "but" for me...

I do not work well under stress.

I do not like to be busy.

Life with four children is full and busy and distracting...and in order for me to not feel overwhelmed I need simplicity.

I have been frustrated because I have felt very distracted.  I feel like I am finishing school...preparing meals...trying, and failing, to keep the kids quiet while the baby my mom keeps sleeps...and that is it.

My frustration with my distraction has lead me to pray for stillness of my Spirit. Kyle also received an email from a friend that encouraged us to not become distracted from our "pursuit of holiness"...& while I am not linking motherhood synonymously with holiness I am acknowledging that my distraction in my role as a mother is a symptom of my distraction from pursuing holiness and stillness with God.

It is stressful to expect perfection from my kids when we are living with people that have generously opened their home to us...even though these people are our parents and our children's grandparents and have so much grace for us all, I just want this to be a positive experience for us all.  I have realized, that I almost expect it to be like we aren't even here at all...not exactly realistic when it comes to bringing a family of six into any home.  

The result of all this distraction and frustration has resulted in a laundry list of issues but it all can basically boil down to a mom with less patience and grace.  

Once again, I am in a place where I realize that I have been looking for the culprit all the while the source is far closer than I initially expected.

I have been entrusted with this sphere of influence...these children and my husband...and I have needed to realize that it is time for some grace...

So, although the plan was to push through Thanksgiving break in order to continue on the path to finish school before we leave, I have decided that we are in dire need of a break.   

We are simply going to bask in the gift of family.  Relish in the beauty of this small picture of God's love for us.  Treasure the joys of childhood....and simply be.