i turned 29 this weekend...

this weekend marked my 29th birthday. i still find it hard to believe that i am not 30 yet. i mean, sheesh, how much life could i possibly have ahead of me? so much has happened in my 29 years of life that i am slightly overwhelmed to think about all that might occur if i keep up this pace for the next 29. all jokes aside, i feel i have lived an abundantly rich life and i count myself beyond blessed for the experiences of the days, months, and years each of those moments have brought.

this birthday was particularly nice for me this year. i felt special. kyle made a fuss over me. the kids sang happy birthday to me and humored me when i would say, "all i want for my birthday is for everyone to behave". my parents came *all the way* to our house (no joke--we live a whole state away now!) and watched the kids while kyle and i hung out with our friends. we went to a dinner more fancy than mcdonald's. and we went to see a movie. we have not been to the theatre to see a movie since toy story 3. and before that, it was ramona and beezus. the point i am trying to make is obvious, i think. it was great. and even if kyle had not showered me with presents from my favorite store or taken me to a great restaurant he made the point to make the day about me. and i reluctantly allowed myself to admit that i liked it :)

the next day, as if watching my kids for the evening was not enough, my parents invited us down to have dinner. my sweet little momma went all out for me...we had all of my favorite things---from watermelon to diet dr. pepper--it was all there. my dad cooked burgers on the grill, which are one of my favorite things ever to eat. nicholas and jessica were there. and of course there were many, many squeals from the many, many children. again, i felt so special.

the festivities continued on monday when kyle's mom cooked a birthday dinner for me. alli and david and the girls came. aunt robin and uncle wayne were there. kyle's sweet granny was there. and courtney and her super cute baby belly was even there too. i feel honored to be come in to a family that embraces me so sweetly. i am sure it is always difficult to merge two totally different families together, but kyle's family has been beyond good to me. i pray that i can bless them as much as they have blessed me.

converstations with calvary...

harper: CALVARY....
calvary:....
harper: CALVARY!
calvary:...
me: calvary, your sister is calling you...
calvary: oh sorry! i couldn't hear her because my ears were too fascinating...

my little ballerina...

harper on her first day of ballet when she was 3 years old. and harper on her last day of ballet class for the year this year. so much has changed in her short little life, but her love for dance has not. neither has her size. she's wearing the same leotard in both pictures. guess we got our money's worth :)

when you have this many siblings...

you learn to sleep protected...

finley is 11 months old!

this month has been such a sweet little time in finley's life. i continue to wrap my arms around her increasing Independence just hoping to stifle it for just a bit longer. i am not ready for her to be bigger or older or wiser. i just love this time. i love watching her. i love holding her. i love that she is my baby. i guess she will always be my baby. but for right now she also loves being my baby.

she is starting to pull up

she is definitely mobile, but she is not into everything....yet

she is down to nursing only twice a day

she loves to play

she loves to watch her brothers and sister play

she loves, loves, loves kids

she is still tiny

her hair is such an odd shade of reddish blonde. who knows where that came from or if it will stay. but genetics continue to astound me.

she weighs in at 18 lbs

she wears 6-9 months--oliver jack was much more meaty at every age than all of the rest. finley seems to follow suit to her sister pound for pound.

i blow dry her hair after every bath to keep tangles to a minimum. i started blow drying her hair in the winter because i didn't like the thought of her going to bed with wet hair in our decidedly freezing old house. it is a routine that we still do because it minimizes the tangles that occur when she sleeps and rolls around on a wet head of full hair. i recognize the absurdity of it though.

she's sweet.

she still doesn't have too many tricks. but she is loved and adored and i love my life with her.

in just a few short weeks she will reach that milestone of 1 year!

conversations with calvary...

calvary: God never poops.
me: ...
calvary: but Jesus did!
me: ...
calvary: but He doesn't anymore.

oh mtv...

i think it is silly how much flack mtv catches about the show "16 and pregnant". apparently the show makes having a baby so young look glamorous and sends the wrong message. when i watch the show my heart breaks for these girls. i'm not even sure why i watch the show. i feel a lot of things but none of those feelings are ones associated with glamore.
although i was not 16, i feel like i commiserate with these girls. one of the strongest emotions i feel when i watch is sadness. i am not sad for the girls or their families; i am sad for the baby. it breaks my heart to watch and know that the baby's mother is so distracted by her own situation to realize what a gift she has been given. the time passes so quickly and that will be the only infancy that baby will ever have. i, undoubtedly, transfer my own guilt to the girls on the show.
without question harper has been loved from the very first day i knew of her. but i know i could have loved her more. there are so many things i would change if i could.
the truth is that having an miss-timed pregnancy is hard. i gave up so much for her. unfortunately it is the kind of giving up a person is painfully aware of because a baby is the very *last* thing that they were thinking of in the first place. all of the ways that my life was going to change were all i could think of. there was no way i would go to graduate school. there was no way i was going to get a full time job. employers are not too keen on hiring people that look like they might need maternity leave before their first check clears. i would never live the typical newly wed life. this was it. i had to think about diapers and health insurance. car seats and onesies. teething and socialization. life was going to tail spin out of control and i was going to have to find a way to pilot it back to safety.
the guilt that comes after finding safety is realizing how much i didn't really care about any of those things that i thought i was giving up. they seemed so important. i made myself a martyr. i loved her with everything. i thought i was doing everything.
all that mattered was not that i loved her but that she loved me.
that is the beautiful thing about a baby that people so often miss. my baby loved me. i didn't deserve her. i didn't have anything to offer her. giving up everything was nothing. everything i gave meant nothing.
i know that now and i wish i could go back and drink up that love.
watch those arms and legs move across the inside of my belly.
hold her in my arms and stare at the wrinkled brow.
kiss her cheeks.
breathe in the sweet scent of her infancy.
she's only 6 but she's growing so fast.

i hear all the time how crazy i am for having kids so young. i am sure every mother that has had a child young hears the same thing. i guess the only sense i can make of that statement is that if i would have waited to have kids i would have had more years without having to think, worry, and dream away every minute of every moment of the rest of my life.
but i do dream beautiful dreams for my sweet babies.

converstations with calvary...

calvary: wow mom! look at that cute little tractor!
me: that is a tiny one...
calvary: whoah...there is a girl driving it!
me: is that weird?
calvary: i guess not because some girls have jobs, right momma?
me: yep
calvary: and some girls even work too!


awesome.

love...

things i love:

...holding finley right before i lay her down in her crib because she always lays her head down and stretches her arms around my shoulders.

...watching calvary take his arms and guide jack by the shoulders

...the sounds of boys squealing while riding their bikes through the sprinkler

...watching harper wave and blow kisses as she walks into school

...hearing calvary say, "i love harper. she really is the cutest girl ever."

...hearing jack say "uubi" instead of "movie"

...removing books from harper's sleeping hands like removing pieces of the game jenga.

...tucking jack into bed and watching him slide his chubby little fingers over his blanket as he melts into sleep.

...seeing harper waiting after school with a huge smile on her face as we drive up.

more pictures by calvary...

every moment counts

"a group of us were discussing how to pursue spiritual life when one person, a mother with two young children, commented that it was easier for her to work on her spiritual life before she became a mom.
she had never been taught to consider the possibility that caring for two young children--carried out daily with expressions of gratitude, with prayers for help, and with patient acceptance of trials--might be a kind of 'school of transformation' the likes of which she had never known before. to her, having a quiet time counted toward spiritual devotion, but caring for two children did not.
it all counts. life counts. every moment of life--at least potentially--is an opportunity to be guided by God into his way of living."
~ john ortberg

i was particularly encouraged yesterday morning by this passage. how is God training me today? how is *this* moment shaping me?

the past couple of days i have been overwhelming struck by the truth that God shapes life to prepare us and lead us to Him. He did not simply create and walk away. every phase of our life is intended to train us to become more like Jesus. i don't think i consciously ever thought it but i must have believed that God was this enigmatic being that tried to evade us, His children. the truth is so beautiful. knowing that God has not set us up for failure makes Him even more precious and makes me want to cultivate intimacy with Him.

guess who likes the tractor the most...

first ice cream cone...

afterwards he said, "i am going to eat ice cream in a cone EVERY TIME!"

born for this...

riding in the car...

me: calvary, is finley asleep?! (we had just dropped harper off at school and were on our way home and she was suspiciously quiet and her hand was uncharacteristically still)

calvary: one second let me look....

nope. she's just being quiet...like a baby should be.

to my momma...

dear mom,

you are so much like your dad. my grandfather. you are not quick to share your emotions and it is only when they can no longer be contained that we realize how deeply you felt. dad was always the talker. i know i got that from him. i am quick to share my emotions with anyone. but what i got from you is the intense love of a mother. and it has only been after these years of mothering that i realize all the years of heartache, stress, joy, and love that a mother endures. i also realized that i do believe i owe you an apology...

1. i am sorry for all those times that didn't realize how much thought you put into things that i took for granted because now i know how much that can hurt a mother's feelings.

2. i am sorry for the times i didn't appreciate the simplicity of the day because now i know how much joy just simply being with your children brings to the life of a mother.

3. i am sorry for the times i argued with my brothers because now i know the joy it brings to watch your children enjoy each other.

4. i am sorry for the times that i didn't tell you all that was on my mind because now i know how much a mother just wants to know the hearts of their children.

5. i am sorry for the times that i disappointed you because i know that a mother dreams of lives filled with happiness and void of pain for their children.

6. i am sorry for the times that i could have even for one moment thought that you would care about those moments of disappointment because now i know that all a mother truly cares about is the well-being of their children.

7. i am sorry for the times that i didn't call to tell you that i was okay or that i missed you or that i love you or that i need you because now i know that mother's live for those moments.

8. i am sorry for the times that i disrespected you because i know that those moments are difficult to forget and they hurt more than they anger.

9. i am sorry for the times that i chose my friends over you--whether it was in advice or company--because now i know that a mother is never ready to watch her children leave.

10. and i am sorry for being so independent because even though the world regards this as a good trait i now know that a mother feels most complete when they are helping their children.

29 years worth of apologies aren't really what you want though because the love of mother does not care about the moments of hurt they experienced at the casual negligence of their children; a true mother, like you, only cares about that child. where they are at that moment. and i want you to know that i am happy. my life is full. my heart is overflowing.

thank you.

and just so you know...i am okay. i miss you. i love you. and i need you.

i hope that makes you feel better. :)