Faces...

My children are sleeping soundly in the room with me...they are so close that I can hear the whispered sounds of their sleepy breathing. I look at their sweet faces in their cozy, matching pjs and my face turns up in an involuntary smile...I just can't help it...I love them so much. And my mind starts racing with questions...
What if I was not their mother?
What if I couldn't care for them?
What if I didn't want to care for them?
What if I died?
What if I was stricken with such abject poverty that I could not provide any of their basic needs?
What if I was so deep in addiction that I could not think of anything else?

Would that change their value? Would that lessen the sweetness of their sleepy faced innocence?
When I think of what we are about to be a part of, I think of my own children.

Some of these children will be adopted into homes that will be their forever homes. They will be loved by their forever mamas and sleep quietly beside them while their mamas think about just how much love they have for this child...
And for those mamas, I need to care for their babies while they are waiting...

Some of these children will be too young, too sick, or otherwise unable to voice their needs...and, oh, do I know what it is like to advocate for the needs of one of these special blessings.
And I pray that I will be their voice.

Some of these children may never be adopted.
My heart breaks to write this.
I look at my four and the thought of them not having a mother or father that calls them by name is almost too much to bear.
And for those children, I pray that they will see a glimpse of their true Forever Daddy in the love that we give.

“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes” -David Platt

The faces of the orphans reflect the faces of my own children...and not only can I not ignore them, but I can not get them out of my mind...
It is not my job to find every orphan a home...but it is my job to care for them.
And I smile at the blessing it is...

Two masters...

This past month or so has been quite the journey. I feel as if we are in full transition mode and it is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Walking away from our house was pretty much the symbolic shedding of this life I have built here and it was difficult. I never questioned the veracity of what we are doing; had I doubted, we would not have been able to do it I don't think. Yet, we packed up our stuff, moved in with my parents, and have been in transition ever since.
The most awesome part about being in transition is that we are ready. If we were to meet our budget tomorrow we would be ready to go tomorrow. We are ready. There is something so perfectly peaceful about that...being ready. We aren't discontent. We aren't in a hurry. We aren't running away. We are simply ready. Everyday that readiness grows and we learn and are shaped in ways that we didn't know we needed shaping and growing the day before. These kids of mine have been so amazing. I look at them and wonder if I would have been strong enough. I hear them express their concerns like Oliver Jack telling his daddy that he is "sad because he doesn't want him not to have his job but happy because he wants him to be able to help people" and I am just moved to tears...they are growing.
Kyle is growing.
I am growing.
Everyday and in every way we are growing.
As we moved in with my parents, what would be the opposite of the American Dream for most, I have realized even more just how we have been shaped for this moment all of our lives. My parents and Jade made room us (quite literally) and as I sit on the back porch helping feed babies and change diapers I laughed and said to my mom, "if I had a dollar for every baby that was fed and changed out here...." My parents have taken care of children since they were barely not children themselves...I have watched them nurture and love countless children like their own...and all the while they were teaching me that this is how you love people.
We have bounced between the homes of my parents and Kyle's parents over the last month and much like Jade's sweet handmade door banners that welcomed us into the space they made for us, Kyle's mom left tootsie rolls on our pillows the first night we stayed with them...these things may seem small but they represent the bigger truth of just how much they have welcomed us in their homes...
And as I watch Kyle's mom and dad generously share and give what they have with us I realize that this is where Kyle learned to give all that he has with others...
His parents have been shaping him and my parents have been shaping me and all the while God has been using his skillful potter's hands to make us into exactly what he would have us to be.
Just the other day, Harper and I were reading a story for her lessons and it was about a young boy who refused an expensive education because it would require him to dedicate 7 years of his life working for the man after his education. When he refused, the man asked him why and his response was, "I cannot serve two masters." Confused, the man asked who the other master was and the boy told him that he could not properly serve Jesus if his life was already tied to the employer.
Oh my, how this spoke to my heart! This pulling has been the exact name for the symptoms Kyle has felt over the past two years...knowing that God has been calling him out, yet not being to fully answer that call...and the freedom that comes from acknowledging that we cannot serve two masters...and all of this is what keeps it from being scary.
Despite the Aflac commercials that preach fear.
Despite the Merrill Lynch ads that preach financial doom.
Despite the looming truth of our personal inadequacies and past failures.
We do not fear.

We have been raised to love and show generosity.
We have felt His conviction for serving two masters.
We have been given a heart that bleeds for those that need Him.
And mostly we "have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7)

And for now, this is enough. Because it is all I have...