a breath of heaven...

so after writing my last blog i spent some time praying and even as i finished writing my blog i realized that even though my little sprite has her fair share of moments, my own heart was in need of a desperate attitude check.
all of this to not say that harper's behavior is a gross exaggeration of my own issues and not at all her own responsibility, but rather to say that i too am filled with sin and my reactions to her moments are not always...let's say...what Jesus would do.
the biggest area of revelation is in the area of personality. how many of my conflicts with harper are rooted in my own desire for control? how many are issues rooted in areas of disrespect or disobedience?
i woke up friday morning and knew that i must embrace a different attitude. my friend and i (and all 6 of our kids...that's right...all SIX CHILDREN) ventured out to ikea. she had never been and we decided that it might be fun. harper and her son had the day off of school and calvary and her middle son are the same age...that left oliver jack and her 4 month old...and we were quite the spectacle. my expanding waistline in addition to all of this warranted and delivered many second glances.
we optimistically headed out in my vehicle armed with movies, dried apples, fruit snacks, and trophies. yep. i awarded the children trophies and medals based on behavior. it may seem trivial or unnecessary but they earned it and boy were they proud of themselves. and it was nice for them to have something concrete representing the pride we had for them.
anyway, we viewed the possibilities both optimistically and realistically and i must say that the child i feared the most was my precious oldest. i knew that if i had any problems at all they would most likely start with her. afterall, she is a born leader.
however, this day harper was like a breath of heaven. a wonderful reminder of all of the beautiful things about her and the shocking evidence that God indeed needed to reminded me (and had) that the problems i was having with harper were not one sided.
that day she won the "Best Listener in Ikea" trophy.
and i gained a nice big dose of humility.

sometimes my kids make me angry...

i think what i need now is some comforting message letting me know that i am not alone. i read so many and hear so many stories of love and adoration of people and their children that sometimes i feel desperately guilty that my own children have moments that make me want to cry in my room.
i'd like to think that i am not alone. i'd also like to think that these feelings do not make me a terrible mother. but sometimes i wonder, and often times i ask kyle, "am i doing the right things?" am i choosing the right battles? will it ever level out?
right now it is harper. the life of a kindergartner is exhausting. one day as she slumped off her back pack and flopped down into her booster seat after school she sighed, "it is so tiring being good all day!" i laughed and then empathized. i tried to be good myself. i still try. it is often times quite exhausting. however, i am left dealing with the shrapnel of harper's daily emotional and physical restraint. and as much as i love her, this is more exhausting than trying to be good.
without question harper is a delightful little girl. she is smart and such a wonderful caretaker. she has always (ALWAYS) been mature and independent. and in many of her most delightful ways, she is just like her mother. the truth being that most of our areas of conflict are rooted in our likeness. oh that harper...she is so deeply rooted in my soul that i cannot see how she's walking around outside of me. sigh. i spend my days praising her for her wonderful behavior at school and praying that my praise will win me some compliance at home.
her intelligence plays against me in that she knows my buttons and for whatever reason she has decided that pushing the buttons that make me cringe are more amusing then pushing the buttons that make me smile...in her defense, i think that all of my buttons at this point are cringe inducing.
everyday this week i have thought about taking a re-do day. just spend the day stroking her hair and telling her how wonderful she is. unfortunately, pneumonia and h1n1 crippled our chances of playing hooky. summer school is not something i would really want on her permanent record...absenteeism just doesn't look good to admissions.
but this season of our lives will pass (fingers crossed)
i believe that her behavior is a natural test of the order of life and a true coping mechanism dealing with the exhaustion of each day and i just pray that i can be gracious. i want my love to shine through all of my actions so that she knows that i am hers. i am her support. i am her admonisher. i am her encourager. i am her mother.
God created her and in the knitting together of her soul He decided the traits that would be hers...at some point i must forfeit control. what i may view as flaws have been providentially chosen for her...i pray that i can be patient enough to help her learn to use her gifts and not belligerent enough to break her spirit.
labor was so much easier than this.

while harper's away...

without question, the biggest influence on oliver jack's behavior has been calvary. it makes me smile to watch him emulate the small things that his big brother does and it makes me cringe as i watch oliver jack throw fake tantrums in order to model those of calvary. even though oliver jack is bound to take away some bad habits from his model, i couldn't think of a better person to watch. calvary is one of the most generous people i have ever known. he loves with everything inside of him and he wants nothing more than to include everyone. he thinks of others when they are not around. he misses harper when she is at school and throughout the day says, "i miss my sister" or "i love my sister". he's a protector. if thinks a person is not exacting the kind of care they should around his baby brother, he steps in to inform. he's thoughtful. the other night we were playing putt-putt on the wii and kyle asked calvary which course he wanted to play and calvary said, "i want to do the fairy land one because that is the one harper wanted to do". he does this without wanting attention or recognition. he is all emotion. he gets his feelings hurt easily because he cares so much. i would even say that the cliche of the heart on the sleeve fits calvary perfectly. most of the time he is happy to let harper lead, but i do not worry about his ability to stand up for himself because harper has been well informed of calvary's independent side on many occasions. as much as i miss harper while she is at school, i cherish the qualities that i have watch develop between and among these two boys. calvary steps up and patiently (most of the time) leads oliver jack. he is a big brother to his little brother and i am so proud of both.

playing outside...

we are just so excited whenever the weather gets a bit warmer. it has either been too wet or too cold to be outside for far too long and being outside is just so good for the soul. harper and calvary are getting better at entertaining themselves outside and oliver jack is just a baby born to explore. harper and calvary mostly play games where someone is falling off the slide or calvary ends up being the dog (his choice oddly enough). anyway, whatever they are playing, we are all just so excited that spring is so close and weekends like this past weekend make us all anticipate the promise of spring that much more...

cussing and babies...

i am no expert on pregnancy and birthing babies. sure, i have had 3.5 pregnancies and 3 labors but every one of my pregnancies has been different...most of my labors have been the same. but the overall conclusion i have come to is that i was born to do this. my body was just made for carrying and birthing babies. aside from some of the milder symptoms of pregnancy, i have had the most pleasant experience with each. as far as labor goes, apparently i have it as easy as it gets. most of that i attribute to drugs. i refuse to let anyone try and convince me that the epidural is negative. i was there for the birth...i experienced it...oh, i experienced every last minute of it...i was able to nurse my babies straight away...i was able to get up and walk around as quickly as i could have possibly wanted....my labors were quick...and most importantly, i was able to rest up to the point of that most anticipated moment. most people, who like to fancy me some sort of hippie (cough cough kyle) are surprised by my endorsement of the epidural...but i am what i am...and i love drugs. strictly epidurally speaking of course. of course, i totally support anyone who wants to go the all natural route as well...labor is labor. i just want to enjoy the end result and i want the same for anyone else---whatever route that may be!
this a bit stream of consciousness because i have not yet been able to gather and collect most of my thoughts into coherent subjects, and i did not want any more of this pregnancy to pass without me documenting the emotions and events of this change. i have started to officially, and quite suddenly, "show". there is no hiding the fact at this point. my doctors were praising the fact that i have only gained 10lbs so far. i didn't tell them that all 10 of those pounds were gained last week. i am sure that would not have been so congratulatory if they had known this.
my file at the doctor's office is shockingly thick. i guess that is what happens when they have 4 pregnancies worth of information. also, i am good patient. i've never missed a prenatal visit. i think my insurance company is sending over a representative to offer me free services if i undergo a tubal litigation. if they aren't, i think they should. i wouldn't do it though because i have been through labor 3 (almost 4) times already and i think that it is not too much to ask that kyle take care of his business and save me a little of this bodily invasion.
tonight i had a good laugh as i rubbed cocoa butter on my ever growing belly...isn't it cute that i pretend like that matters after 3--stretch marks or not---this body will never be bikini ready again...anyway, as i put lotion on my belly, oliver jack stretched out his hand for a dollop of lotion which he rubbed on his belly. as we both stood there, bellies exposed, i laughed as i realized that his belly resembled mine exactly proportionate to his size. sigh.
when i was pregnant with harper i remember wondering if i would be able to have time for both children. i wondered if i would have enough love...blah blah blah...but now i realize that the only thing i do not have enough time for is cussing, drinking, and all of the other things i don't want my children to do. tonight kyle took the older two to their prospective classes and i had a couple of hours to dote on my youngest son. i have time like this with each of the children which i believe satiates both their need as well as my own for that one on one attention. other than that, we spend a WHOLE lot of quality time together. we do everything together. in fact, my children even feel the need to wake me up in the middle of the night, or the wee morning hours, to let me know that they are going to go pee. not to ask. to inform. i've decided that this type of togetherness is going to stop. either it stops, or i am going to start waking them up to inform them that i am going to the bathroom right before bed or the kajillion times i get up in the middle of the night. "harper...harper...harper...(poke poke poke)...(she stirs)...i'm going to the bathroom." and then i will walk out of the room and leave her in a bewildered state. so, all of this to say, i have plenty of time for my children. all i lack is a time to cuss. i don't even like to cuss. but if i wanted to cuss, i wouldn't have time for it.
i am excited to watch our family grow and everyday i am surprised at how well the days go. this pregnancy has been so uneventful that i still question the reality of it. i feel her move and that feeling never gets old. just knowing that God has the ability to create an environment where a life can be nurtured and developed just blows my mind. each day brings us closer to meeting her. each day brings us closer to the reality that the life which we are just now settling into will be totally upheaved and restructured. each day our roles are threatend with change. oliver jack will no longer be the baby. calvary will no longer be the middle child. i am happy about that. he will be his own. harper will still be the oldest but she will no longer be my only daughter. she will forever be my first born. the spark that started it all...and that she is...all spark.
i love this family. i love my husband and how he works so hard to make us all feel loved. and oh how we feel loved.

sew nice...

before christmas i had the grand idea that i would make hand made dolls and books to go along with them for all of the children in our lives...this sounded like a great idea, like so many things in my head do.
but the reality is that sewing hand made dolls and taking pictures of hand made dolls and writing books for hand made dolls becomes quite the encumbering task.

i was still working on the dolls the week of christmas.

i was taking pictures and going to walgreens to have the pictures taken...because my original idea of having books made through a service didn't fit into my plan of procrastination. also, if i would have done that i would have saved myself the sideways glances i received from the photo technician as i picked up the weirdo pictures i had taken to go along with the books.

anyway, eventually the dolls were made and the books were written and i was ready for gift giving.

until i saw the commercial where the guy receives a pair of hand made mittens and says "the truth about hand made gifts is...that nobody likes them."

at this point my head flooded with anxiety.

i made dolls because i thought they were more thoughtful...and now i was afraid i was going to look cheap! oh, well. if only the recipient knew how many hours were put into each doll (about 5) and knew how painstakingly i chose fabric and stitched names then maybe they would appreciate the effort.

in all, i made 10 dolls.

before this i had never followed a pattern. i sewed quite a few things, but never anything with a pattern and i was quite pleased with myself. i even felt confident enough to take on new projects.

since the dolls, i have made curtains for my kitchen (which i do not have a picture of) and a pair of boots for margo for her birthday.

i've decided what i love about sewing with a pattern is that i never have to worry about if the project will actually serve the function it is intended to serve....yet, the pattern leaves room for creativity where i can add things that i would like to add...like the buttons and owls on margo's boots and the names, pockets, initials, flowers that were added to the kids' dolls.
i have a swing coat in the makes for harper and little baby girl for the fall. i am also planning on making a quilt out of the baby clothes i have saved from each kid and i have put that project off since we knew we were still anticipating the fourth contributor to the baby clothes madness...

we'll see how far i get with that...

favorite calvary phrase of the day...

"come on jack...let's run around in circles."

monkey see; monkey do...

harper and calvary had some time to sit aside and ponder the deeper retributions of not listening and obeying their parents...

after their time out was up, oliver jack felt left out...he tried out both chairs and even gave a dramatic attempt at the 'woe is me' fake cry...

you'll have your turn soon my dear one...

life's lessons...

earlier this morning i was speaking with my mother on the phone and we were talking about my current parenting issue of bedtime with my oldest two. don't let anyone fool you; bunk beds are the devil. but now we are too far in to change what we have going for us. i mean how many times can you uproot children and change around their sleeping situation before you can just give up on sleep time sanity for the rest of their residence in their parental home?


we've already exhausted all of the rooms in our home so far, so the options are limited...


exhibit a:






anyway, at one point during the conversation i referenced something i had gained through my experience as a high school teacher. i jokingly told my mother, "actually, everything i know about parenting i have learned from teaching high school." but the more i thought about it, the more i realized that i have actually garnered some very practical experience through my time in the trenches with high school students.

things i have learned about parenting from teaching high school students:

1. always be prepared. preparation is key. if there is ever a down moment all control will be lost and it will be near impossible to gain it back.
2. if you are not prepared, expect chaos. planned activities, even if they go desperately awry are always better than untamed chaos in a confined space.
3. never let them see you cry. oh, you may think that crying will let them know that they have really hurt you or driven you to the point of complete frustration but the reality is that all they will truly gain from seeing you cry is a sick satisfaction of power. if you've ever been around kids you know how truly sadistic they can be...
4. the same goes for yelling. once they get over the initial shock, all they will feel is power.
5. plan around different personalities and learning styles. some kids learn from hands on projects. some kids learn from lecture. some kids learn while running around and lack the ability to sit still for any amount of time. some kids will be lazy if given the opportunity to be lazy.
6. teenagers operate on lots of praise. sure it can be easy (way too easy) to focus on all of the annoying things that they do or are doing, but the quickest way to get a teenager to do what is expected of you is to find the ways that they already are and praise them for it. once they think they cannot please you, they will quit trying.
7. never blur the line between authority and friend. high schoolers LOVE the class where the teacher is their friend, but they remember the class that taught them more about themselves and prepared them for the future.
8. don't forget that authority must be approachable. there is a thin line between blurring the line and becoming too friendly and making yourself appear like a tyrant. grown-ups love power too.
9. pray, pray, pray! no matter how prepared, composed, or strong you are the battle becomes too much sometimes...
10. remember the good times! sometimes i would leave school and wonder why in the world i would do the things i did. i would wonder if i did enough. i would wonder if it even mattered. i would feel defeated. but then, like a heaven sent angel, one of those mean little high schoolers would do something that would remind me that it did matter.

i always thought that teaching was more a lifestyle than a job, but i never knew how much it truly affected my world view! my time in the trenches taught me what characteristics i thought were worth fighting for and what things truly were not important. the strangest thing i learned is the parallel between teenagers and toddlers. they really aren't that different. minus the sex, drugs, alcohol, body image, and self worth issues teenagers are really just big stretched out toddlers. just don't tell them that.