Mothering...

"i've discovered that this act of mothering is my worship to Him right now; dying to self & delighting in them...there is failure, oh yes it is messy and sloppy sometimes, yet forgiveness and grace and growing."

~lovelyn palm

this quote...
this quote speaks to my heart.
it is loving and delighting in these children...mine and the ones that are only mine for now...that i am choosing to worship the Lord.
it is not through being a mother that i am worshiping the Lord; it is through the act of mothering.

mothering isn't just for mothers.

i've watched our volunteers teach the babies that come into our care what a mother's love feels like. they have never been mothers themselves yet they pour the love that was poured into them into the lives of these little ones...they delight in every smile, giggle, and do not even flinch at the poopy diapers or midnight feedings...

my children...they blow me away with their gentle spirits and loving hearts.  finley says, "we need to love them so that their mamas can learn how to love them, right? they didn't know how, so we need to teach them, right mama?" calvary wants to take pictures of every body so that he can remember them for always.  oliver jack....he is just the most pure and sweet love.  and harper...we knew she was born for this.  she always tells me that she is going to live here forever.  i don't doubt her.

this is how the Lord is asking me to worship Him.

in the middle of the messy and sloppy i am surrounded by forgiveness, grace, and growing...and it has been some of the most beautiful moments of my life.

the moon will stand still...

I never thought of my life as especially easy.  I made a series of choices early on that set life up to be  little more difficult.  I am 32 years old and I have been married for 10 years and I have 4 children under 10...1 of those children we share with her father...another one of those children has special needs...and one of those children is Oliver Jack ;)
Harper, one day while discussing her age and our years of marriage, told someone, "Most people get married first and then have children...but my parents like to do things the complicated way."  The frankness of her conversation left the other person a little surprised, but we try not to hide from the uncomfortable or the ugly around here.  I know that God is light and therefore whatever I hide away in secret I inadvertently try to hide from the Lord.  I want the Lord to have full access to my life...my successes, though they are few, as well as my mistakes, though they are many...all are for Him to use for his glory.
I have cried many tears over my children and I am certain I will cry many more.  A mother's love is deep, wide, and tragically imperceptible of the future.  Most of my tears for them has been rooted in my fear and lack of control of their futures.
I have never had to worry about their present.
Stepping into this life has been something that I never could have understood.  I have read books, looked at pictures, and heard the stories about what it means to do what we do here...but, every day I am faced with a new challenge.
Last week ended with me being the most exhausted I have ever been in my life.  I could say that it is not getting enough sleep or taking the time to eat like I should...but I believe it was more a spiritual and emotional exhaustion I was feeling.
I wrote my friend and told her that I was exhausted...And her response was "I am praying that the moon will stand still and you will get sweet sleep..." I didn't realize just how tired I was until I read those words and my eyes filled with tears...she then, sweetly and not pontifically, directed me to the sweet promises from the Lord that say "Come unto me and I will give you rest."
How much have I been trying to do on my own?
His yolk is easy and his burden is light...but learning to do this with Him and not just for Him has been tiring.
Last week involved hours upon hours at the cancer foundation.  I wish that I could truly put into words the beauty and desperation of that place.  This foundation is such a gift...people come from all over Honduras to receive quality cancer treatment for their children...but some are very poor and have to sleep outside the hospital and wait for it to open if they have two appointments on days back to back.  They cannot afford to take a bus home only to return the next day and they definitely cannot afford to stay in a hotel...the only safe option is to sleep inside the gates of the public hospital...with their very sick child.  Once inside the foundation, we are surrounded by sparkling white cleanliness and happy, colorful pictures...and families, that cannot afford bus fare or hotels, are given chemotherapy and outstanding care.  They either cannot afford blankets or jackets, or they did not bring them with them, so they visibly shiver while undergoing treatment and recovering from anesthesia or they cover up with small hand towels.  Yesterday, as a 11 year old boy woke up from anesthesia he began to panic because his father had left to go buy medicine to be administered by the doctors...and he was crying and shivering...all I could do was tell him that his father would be back soon and I wrestled with whether I should offer my sweater.  I didn't want to offend him or make him uncomfortable...but he was so cold that his whole body was shaking.  After a few moments, I just decided that I was going to risk embarrassing him just so he could be warm and I walked over and covered him up with my sweater.  He just looked at me, smiled and snuggled under my sweater and drifted back off to sleep.  I see so many things that I wish that I could share but I don't...mostly because I don't have the words but also because the memories without the experience do not justly portray the picture.
I find myself loving this country and the people.
Most everyone here is working the absolute best that they can with what they have.
I have been in a hospital surrounded by people who speak only Spanish and I didn't think to prepare for medical terms in Spanish and specifically in areas concerning childhood Leukemia.  Yet, almost everyone has been patient with me...They remove their masks to speak to me because I told them I cannot understand when their mouths are covered and the words are muffled...and they gladly, without frustration, oblige.  The military police, with their intimidating guns, allow me in with much less interrogation.  And the doctors are beginning to realize that despite my gringo appearance, I actually do understand and I am capable of hearing the consultation and be given directives on what needs to be done.
But mostly I just do it.  I see what I see, I hear what I hear, and I just do it.  Because it is where the Lord has me right now and because I sit at night and I think about how the Lord knew....just knew that this little boy was dying in the orphanage behind his smile and sweetness...and because if I wasn't, if we weren't, who would?
But I cannot forget that the Lord is asking  insisting, on being involved in the process...no one is strong enough to do it without Him.
At the beginning of this week, a new little girl was brought to our house.  Her story is her own but she did not come from an orphanage...I knew the night was going to be long because she didn't know me at all.  We had shared a meal together and I brought her a cup of milk.  That was the extent of our relationship.  And now she was supposed to go to sleep.  I knew she would spend time grieving and I honestly prepared for the whole night to be a cycle of crying, sleeping, and crying again...and when the tears started the Lord prepared me to know that I could not comfort her...just to be with her.
She cried like nothing I have ever seen before.  I would hold her and then she would push out of my arms..I let her go because I didn't want her to see my arms and trying to be forceful.  She would walk to the door and cry and look out the window for someone and then she would come back to me and take my hand and lead me to the door.  I would tell her that we are staying here and that everything was okay.  She would crawl back into my arms only to not find comfort there and push herself down back to the ground in frustration.  I would sit on the floor beside her so that she would know that she wasn't alone and eventually she would crawl into my lap for a bit to cry.  This cycle happened over and over again for an hour or so and then all of a sudden she hopped up, pointed to the bedroom and told me she was ready to sleep.  I put her in her bed and laid beside her until she went to sleep.
That night was the most angry I have been in a long time.  I prayed that Lord would give me compassion on the circumstances that led her to be in our home that night, but I just couldn't find it.  I prayed that the Lord would wrap her in His peace and help her find comfort.
But I was just tired.
This world is broken and I felt like I was picking up the pieces.  I felt angry at the situation and I knew that I needed the Lord to refresh my spirit.  But this world is hard.
I have never worried about my children's present.
But these children...I was taking on the worry for their present and it is new and harder than anything I have ever experienced.
The Lord is faithful though and the she slept sweetly and woke up happy.  Our ROOM volunteer down the road walked in and immediately felt the Lord pulling her to care for this little one while we find her a more permanent foster home.  She has been doing wonderfully there and since we are only down the road from each other we get to see her quite a bit.
I love watching how love transforms lives.
It is like fuel reminding us of how and why we step into the impossible and the ugly.
God's love transforms our lives everyday and that happened through Jesus coming and living among us and obeying God's directive to die on the cross.
In a matter of months Kyle and I have gone from living alone with our four children to being the transition home parents of 8 children.  We also have 2 full time volunteers (one of which is leaving Saturday *boo*) and Jesus's caretaker Kacey living with us.  At any given point we can have our neighbor Alba and her 2 children and 2 ROOM foster children and our other ROOM caretaker Kaylie and her 2 foster children in our home as well.  It is busy and full and our family dinners are growing large and loud.  But those family dinners are the moments when I sit back and I see love.
We aren't at the hospital or being distracted by the needs of the moment...we are simply sitting together and sharing a meal...and I see the faces of those who have all taken different paths to be at our table and I notice how love is transforming them.
Alexander is fat.  Love did that ;)
Jesus is loud and strong and never stops eating.  Love did that.
Judah is smiling and laughing.  Love did that.
Anthony is feeling the freedom to feel what he feels.  Sometimes he is happy, sometimes he doesn't feel like being happy...but he has the freedom to feel what he feels...unconditionally.  Love did that.
Every child and adult around that table wears the transformation of Love.
Sometimes those moments are like the moon standing still for me.  Time freezes and the Lord refreshes my spirit.  He reminds me that I am not doing this *for* Him; I am doing it *with* Him.
No matter what crazy situation is thrown at us, Leukemia, abandonment, birth defects, or 4lb 1 month olds that wear diapers smaller than anything I could have ever thought was real...we have been asked to Love and we have been told that we will have trials.. but to take heart...because the creator of the universe has overcome the world....
So this week I am thankful for moments where the moon stands still, for friends that encourage me to find rest in the Word, and a "family" so large that we take up a whole Pizza Hut...

Most of these faces are in our ROOM family home at any given moment...a full house.

ROOM diapers...the smallest on the right is worn by a little guy cared for by our friends and fellow transition home family...

sweet Anthony...not always so sweet...but he is a fighter!  

Kyle and I just holding a couple of crying babies...we are clearly not amused.  

no baby has ever been loved as well as babies loved by Oliver Jack...

all the little guys love Calvary...I love watching how Calvary's love grows through realizing that there are different ways to love a child other than simply holding or hugging...which is not really his thing ;)

tiny 4lb baby foot...nothing speaks to me of the sanctity of life than seeing the details and perfection of something this tiny...He technically should still be living inside his mother and his skin on the extremities is almost translucent but he is perfectly and wonderfully formed...I have never held a person so tiny.

Brazos de amor...

"Brazos de amor"... these are the words written on the hospital clothes that I put on the little boy that I had only brought into my house only 5 days before.  The significance of these words shot like a knife through my exhausted spirit and I just finally released myself to cry.  

This is Anthony.  He has a smile that captures the attention of anyone that sees it and he is so generous with that smile that he never meets a stranger.  The first time I met Anthony he was handing his extra banana to another little girl..."ey! muchacha! mira!"...he then handed the banana to her and continued to play. He had me at, "ey!".... I had heard of Anthony prior to my visit to the public orphanage because he had already captured the hearts of our volunteer, Katlyn, as well as Kyle.  It didn't take much for me to follow suit and my heart just melted into a puddle of love for him.  

In the weeks prior to us bringing Anthony home, the Lord was preparing Kyle and I to become a transition home as one of our largest responsibilities here with R.O.O.M. It was becoming obvious that our hearts were kind of made for this type of love and we already had Alexander in our home for his entire 2 months of life so far as well having Jesus and his amazing caretaker Kacey living with us. It only seemed natural to continue to add to our home.  My only thoughts when talking with Tara and Johana about the ages of the kids we could bring into our transition home was that I wanted children that needed less individual, extra attention.  Babies require A LOT of one on one adult care..Estrella and Jesus require A LOT of extra care.  With all of our other responsibilities within R.O.O.M. as well as our family's needs, I requested to bring older children into our home that would be looking to transition out into permanent families.  

We specifically asked for Anthony.  

The Lord laughs at using what we think we need to be used how He wants us to be used.  

The day Tara, Johana, and Bekah brought Anthony into our home was a happy day.  Although 6 kids were given the okay to be removed from the public orphanage into R.O.O.M. foster families or transition homes, only 2 made it out that day...Anthony and Judah, the 11 week old baby, were placed in our home.  

The first thing we noticed after bringing Anthony into our home, after loving on him and showing him around, is that the slight quirk Katlyn originally noted in his leg that had turned to a true limp was now a debilitating issue that kept him from most mobility.  I also noticed that the Lord gave me the freedom to pour into him in ways that I had not felt free to love with the other children who were transitioning through our home.  I also noticed that the Lord clearly gave Anthony the same freedom to love me in return.  

2 days after he came into our home we took him to the doctor for a basic check up as well as to ask specifically about possible need for OT or XRays needed for his hip.  

While at the doctor, he delivered the initial blow that this smiling, happy boy was the sickest child we have had.  

He initially thought the connection between the cough and leg pain was tuberculosis.  He also suspected that it could be a bacterial infection in his hip that may have need surgery.  

Our hearts were devastated by these potentials and we prayed to know what was best for this sweet boy.  The following day we went to get the results from the tests and the doctor took one look at his blood work and told us that Anthony has Leukemia.  

I immediately cried.  The doctor told us of a foundation here that we could begin treatment and began to tell us what a gift from the Lord that Anthony was removed from the orphanage and would have devoted caretakers to help him through this battle.  

And this is where I realized that the Lord used what I thought I needed in order to have us fight for what He knew.  He knew that Anthony needed to be in a family.

Babies are the ones that generally struggle the most in the public orphanage.  The attention that they need is difficult for the understaffed, overcrowded orphanages to properly serve and the babies suffer as a result.  Our Scarlet Project normally only brings out the children in need of extra attention or struggling with health needs.  Our transition homes offer another area of orphan care by offering homes for children that are adoptable or could be placed in foster families.  Little did we know that when we were bringing Anthony into our home as a candidate for our transition home program that he would actually be one of our precious Scarlet Project children.

I asked Kacey one night why it seems that the Lord keeps bringing children into R.O.O.M.s care that need special care and her response was perfect, beautiful, and true...she said, "We are called to serve the least of these...and that is what we are doing."

So, Monday morning, only 5 days ago and only 5 days after Anthony first came in our door, we walked into a pediatric cancer clinic.  Our day was long and the things we saw in that clinic I will never forget.  I comforted him, held him, and prayed over him as I would have for my own children...because in this moment, the Lord has entrusted him in my care...

It was that truth that brought the tears to my eyes when I read the words "Brazos de Amor" inscribed in the seam of his clothes..."Arms of Love"...that is what the Lord is asking me to be for Anthony.  

Before I read those words, I held him in my arms as he cried and screamed to crawl into my arms after his lumbar puncture...That smiley boy laid there on the table and I thought, "I can't do this...it's not supposed to be me..."

But because the Lord knew it, he finds comfort in my arms...

The beauty of the Lord continues to astound me...the fact that this precious child is so intimately known...the fact that the Lord provides...the fact the Lord entrusts us with his most precious creations to show His love...all reduces me to realize that it is supposed to be me...because it is supposed to be all of us.  

So. five days ago we entered the hospital as a team.  Anthony, my family and I, our volunteers, and our organization are in this together.  By the grace of God, Anthony is not fighting this alone...

We are surrounded by warriors... the lady in this photo is on her knees every night praying for every child fighting cancer alongside her daughter.  The staff openly suggests for the parents and caregivers to pray and ask the Lord for His help...they are quick to remind us that we "falta nada" (lack nothing)...I love that about this country...a public hospital openly serving the Lord.  

So our team is forming...I have had the honor of standing by him during the day in the hospital and Bekah and Johana have shared the honor of standing by him in the evening...Everyone at home has helped maintain order and is graciously picking up what we are having to lay down...we are all in this together..

And the team grows on to doctors and donors...oh me...what a gift of life blood donors are...after 1 pint of blood and 2 bags of platelets, Anthony was a different boy.  If you have ever given blood...this is a thank you from me to you!  

As I paused to think what to write next I heard Anthony say, "Cassie! Listo?" and I turned around to see that crazy big smile and him give me a thumbs up...

How perfect is that?!?  

Yes, we are ready, my love...I am ready because the Lord goes before us.  He is ordaining our steps and I have never known that or trusted it more than I have over the past few months...and the best thing is knowing that we are more than conquerors in Him...

This is definitely the face of a champion.

If you would like to join our team and help support the cause please consider donating to R.O.O.M.s Scarlet Project that pays all the healthcare costs for all the children in our program.  Every surgery, every medicine, every doctor visit is paid for by donations to this program.  

And for 10 more days, every donation will be matched by a generous donor.  So $10.00 becomes $20.00, $100.00 becomes $200.00...all the way up to $15,000!  

Donate to the Scarlet Project to help pay Anthony's medical bills.