Thanksgiving...

Thanksgiving was strange for me this year...

We are living this life that is completely opposite to everything I pursued and thought to be thankful for in years past.

We gave up the security of our little home on Baird Rd.

We are giving up the security of our income.

We are anticipating and preparing to leave the security of our home country.

In the past, my Thanksgivings were spent thanking God for the provision of these gifts and blessings,  and it made me feel almost ungrateful to know that we are seemingly throwing these gifts to the side. Yet, I have never felt so blessed and so thankful.

We are not pursuing these blessings, yet we have not once gone without a roof for our heads or food for our table.  

We are giving up the security of a set income, yet so many generous people have stepped up and given ensuring that we can do the work that God has called us to do.

My worldview is all topsy turvy and I find myself already struggling with a bit of "culture shock". I oftentimes feel confused as I process why everything feels so different.  But this Thanksgiving I just felt, well, thankful.  Thankfulness often puts us in a place of humility.  We have to admit that we have need beyond our capability to provide and then, on top of that admission, we then have to put aside our pride enough to accept the gift of the need provided.  I have never felt more vulnerable in my thankfulness.  We are completely opposite of the American concept of the self-made man and it feels weird and different but embracing this new concept of the grace made man has awakened in me the ability to see myself for what I am: a person completely reliant on God.

I love that song that says, 

"You give life, You are love

You bring light to the darkness
You give hope, You restore
Every heart that is broken
Great are You, Lord

It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise
We pour out our praise
It's Your breath in our lungs
So we pour out our praise to You only."

And that is exactly what I have understood on a new level this year; it is His breath in my lungs.  With that knowledge, how could I not give everything to Him?

Nothing I have has been mine based on merit...most certainly not...and this short, very protected, experience of reliance on others and God has impacted me deep to core of my soul.  

How much more accountable am I to a gift than I am to something I feel I have earned?!  I want my mom and dad and Kyle's mom and dad to truly feel appreciated for all they have sacrificed to allow us to live in their homes.  I am quite literally incapable of expressing the emotions I feel whenever we see a new donation that comes in to our ROOM account.  It is beautiful and yet this is the accountability I should feel for every breath that I release from my lungs. I am learning that all of this is part of the process of serving God fully.  

We have been praying to have clarity about what it is exactly we will be doing in Costa Rica.  Partly for ourselves and partly so we can have more satisfying answers for people when they ask.  I believe that God gave us the most beautiful picture of what we will be doing through a ministry that my parents got us involved with recently.  My parents have been going downtown with a group from their town to distribute basic needs to the homeless.  Kyle, the kids, and I collected things to distribute and went with them.  Over the times we went, one man spoke with Kyle.  Kyle was worried about him because the temperatures were to be so cold that night so he went to get what he needed.  This man couldn't, and still can't, understand why Kyle would help him.  Kyle told him that he was the only person that spoke with him...seems simple...ask, and it is given.  This is the instruction we are given in the Bible.  Jesus is relational.  During those three years of ministry, he worked through relationships.  He is the same today.  

This is the picture God gave us for what we will be doing in Costa Rica. 

We will tend to His flock.  We will love people through relationships and prayerfully meet their needs as God provides.  Of course resources are necessary to make this possible.  But resources alone do not solve a problem.  What has affected this man and Kyle and I so much is knowing that God cares for us individually to the point where someone would seek us out and meet our needs.  

None of this is possible on any one person's abilities.  It is a beautiful circle of relationships and generosity.  We are accountable and thankful for the generosity of our sponsors in ways that we never could be if we were solely supporting ourselves and then, through relationships and generosity, these little ones will know that they are loved by God.  So through all of this, God has shown me that my life is about emptying.  

His breath is in my lungs...and I am not asked to hold it.

His love is is in my heart...and I am not asked to keep it for myself.

My house was given to me for me to open.

My life was given to me for me to lay down. 

My world view led me to believe that because God loves me individually, I am blessed.  This year, I realized that because God loves me, and you, and you, and you, and you individually He has equipped us with the ability and privilege of relying on Him and others to meet needs.

Thanksgiving is not about what I have; it is about what I am giving.

Lately...

I tentatively start this because I don't want things to sound worse than they are.  Because things are not bad.  Most days, I am baffled by how well things are going.  I would have never dreamed two years ago that my son that could not even bring himself to sleep in a different room in our house would be able to float between two houses with ease.  My parents and Kyle's parents have been so gracious. Everyone has been so supportive.

The problem, I have realized, is me.

I love to enjoy my kids.  I love to play and do special activities with them.  But....and this is a sad "but" for me...

I do not work well under stress.

I do not like to be busy.

Life with four children is full and busy and distracting...and in order for me to not feel overwhelmed I need simplicity.

I have been frustrated because I have felt very distracted.  I feel like I am finishing school...preparing meals...trying, and failing, to keep the kids quiet while the baby my mom keeps sleeps...and that is it.

My frustration with my distraction has lead me to pray for stillness of my Spirit. Kyle also received an email from a friend that encouraged us to not become distracted from our "pursuit of holiness"...& while I am not linking motherhood synonymously with holiness I am acknowledging that my distraction in my role as a mother is a symptom of my distraction from pursuing holiness and stillness with God.

It is stressful to expect perfection from my kids when we are living with people that have generously opened their home to us...even though these people are our parents and our children's grandparents and have so much grace for us all, I just want this to be a positive experience for us all.  I have realized, that I almost expect it to be like we aren't even here at all...not exactly realistic when it comes to bringing a family of six into any home.  

The result of all this distraction and frustration has resulted in a laundry list of issues but it all can basically boil down to a mom with less patience and grace.  

Once again, I am in a place where I realize that I have been looking for the culprit all the while the source is far closer than I initially expected.

I have been entrusted with this sphere of influence...these children and my husband...and I have needed to realize that it is time for some grace...

So, although the plan was to push through Thanksgiving break in order to continue on the path to finish school before we leave, I have decided that we are in dire need of a break.   

We are simply going to bask in the gift of family.  Relish in the beauty of this small picture of God's love for us.  Treasure the joys of childhood....and simply be.  

Wednesday's Musings...

I am a few days early (or a few weeks late--depending on how you look at it) but I am in need of a little perspective...so, here are some things I am loving about this week:

1. Taking my kids to the library and how happy it makes them to check out books.
2. Finley's love of reading...this kid may love books even more than Harper.
3. My mom reading countless books to Finley throughout the day...seriously...everytime I turn around Finley has a new stack for Nana to read.
4. Guacamole.
5. Hanging out with Lauren at the Duke Gardens and meeting Fine.
6. This video
7. Having a quick little visit with Jen...probably one of the most encouraging and genuinely kind people I have ever known.
8. Oliver Jack and Calvary having a little neighbor friend to play with.
9. Oliver Jack's ninja crawl.
10. Coffee.
11. Finley in little boots.
12. Oliver Jack in skinny jeans.
13. Calvary's excitement about his "sabbath time" in the mornings.
14. Harper's love of dance...she is growing up so fast...most of the time I enjoy it.
15. Having the chance to go out on dates with Kyle a few times in the past few weeks.
16. My husband...he is so good to me...I am just so blessed to be his wife.
17. Candy corn.
18. Duck Dynasty...yes, it has happened...we have not had the luxury of satellite tv for over a year but have been reacquainted over the past couple of weeks...love this family...especially, the Phil...Harper has decided that she will marry a bearded man...
19. Finley telling a story.
20. Oliver Jack doing school. Such a cute boy.
21. Looking through old pictures.

Faces...

My children are sleeping soundly in the room with me...they are so close that I can hear the whispered sounds of their sleepy breathing. I look at their sweet faces in their cozy, matching pjs and my face turns up in an involuntary smile...I just can't help it...I love them so much. And my mind starts racing with questions...
What if I was not their mother?
What if I couldn't care for them?
What if I didn't want to care for them?
What if I died?
What if I was stricken with such abject poverty that I could not provide any of their basic needs?
What if I was so deep in addiction that I could not think of anything else?

Would that change their value? Would that lessen the sweetness of their sleepy faced innocence?
When I think of what we are about to be a part of, I think of my own children.

Some of these children will be adopted into homes that will be their forever homes. They will be loved by their forever mamas and sleep quietly beside them while their mamas think about just how much love they have for this child...
And for those mamas, I need to care for their babies while they are waiting...

Some of these children will be too young, too sick, or otherwise unable to voice their needs...and, oh, do I know what it is like to advocate for the needs of one of these special blessings.
And I pray that I will be their voice.

Some of these children may never be adopted.
My heart breaks to write this.
I look at my four and the thought of them not having a mother or father that calls them by name is almost too much to bear.
And for those children, I pray that they will see a glimpse of their true Forever Daddy in the love that we give.

“Orphans are easier to ignore before you know their names. They are easier to ignore before you see their faces. It is easier to pretend they’re not real before you hold them in your arms. But once you do, everything changes” -David Platt

The faces of the orphans reflect the faces of my own children...and not only can I not ignore them, but I can not get them out of my mind...
It is not my job to find every orphan a home...but it is my job to care for them.
And I smile at the blessing it is...

Two masters...

This past month or so has been quite the journey. I feel as if we are in full transition mode and it is both liberating and terrifying at the same time. Walking away from our house was pretty much the symbolic shedding of this life I have built here and it was difficult. I never questioned the veracity of what we are doing; had I doubted, we would not have been able to do it I don't think. Yet, we packed up our stuff, moved in with my parents, and have been in transition ever since.
The most awesome part about being in transition is that we are ready. If we were to meet our budget tomorrow we would be ready to go tomorrow. We are ready. There is something so perfectly peaceful about that...being ready. We aren't discontent. We aren't in a hurry. We aren't running away. We are simply ready. Everyday that readiness grows and we learn and are shaped in ways that we didn't know we needed shaping and growing the day before. These kids of mine have been so amazing. I look at them and wonder if I would have been strong enough. I hear them express their concerns like Oliver Jack telling his daddy that he is "sad because he doesn't want him not to have his job but happy because he wants him to be able to help people" and I am just moved to tears...they are growing.
Kyle is growing.
I am growing.
Everyday and in every way we are growing.
As we moved in with my parents, what would be the opposite of the American Dream for most, I have realized even more just how we have been shaped for this moment all of our lives. My parents and Jade made room us (quite literally) and as I sit on the back porch helping feed babies and change diapers I laughed and said to my mom, "if I had a dollar for every baby that was fed and changed out here...." My parents have taken care of children since they were barely not children themselves...I have watched them nurture and love countless children like their own...and all the while they were teaching me that this is how you love people.
We have bounced between the homes of my parents and Kyle's parents over the last month and much like Jade's sweet handmade door banners that welcomed us into the space they made for us, Kyle's mom left tootsie rolls on our pillows the first night we stayed with them...these things may seem small but they represent the bigger truth of just how much they have welcomed us in their homes...
And as I watch Kyle's mom and dad generously share and give what they have with us I realize that this is where Kyle learned to give all that he has with others...
His parents have been shaping him and my parents have been shaping me and all the while God has been using his skillful potter's hands to make us into exactly what he would have us to be.
Just the other day, Harper and I were reading a story for her lessons and it was about a young boy who refused an expensive education because it would require him to dedicate 7 years of his life working for the man after his education. When he refused, the man asked him why and his response was, "I cannot serve two masters." Confused, the man asked who the other master was and the boy told him that he could not properly serve Jesus if his life was already tied to the employer.
Oh my, how this spoke to my heart! This pulling has been the exact name for the symptoms Kyle has felt over the past two years...knowing that God has been calling him out, yet not being to fully answer that call...and the freedom that comes from acknowledging that we cannot serve two masters...and all of this is what keeps it from being scary.
Despite the Aflac commercials that preach fear.
Despite the Merrill Lynch ads that preach financial doom.
Despite the looming truth of our personal inadequacies and past failures.
We do not fear.

We have been raised to love and show generosity.
We have felt His conviction for serving two masters.
We have been given a heart that bleeds for those that need Him.
And mostly we "have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind" (2 Timothy 1:7)

And for now, this is enough. Because it is all I have...

Heart on fire...

I was feeling nostalgic the other night and I decided to look through pictures tucked away nicely on our computer...I would smile and excitedly show Calvary pictures of himself when he was so tiny and squishy and after the fourth or fifth venture over to the screen he looked at me and said, "okay, I'm done looking now." I chuckled a little and felt a twinge of sadness that he didn't reciprocate my love of looking at these pictures.

And then I found this picture.

 

I just stared at it for what seemed like the longest time and the emotion evoked from deep within matched perfectly the emotion I feel when I think of leaving this life and moving to Costa Rica. It is an emotion I can only describe as my heart being on fire.
The look on Harper's face as she emerged from the baptismal waters, eyes fixed on Kyle, smile beaming is one of security, acceptance, and adoration...all together combined into one word: love.
I wish I was better at explaining myself...my words fail me...but what I can say is that God has created each and every person to know the type of love that Harper so evidently knows.

When I think about children going to sleep without knowing that they are loved, I think of Oliver Jack and how every night he asks me "to do that 'courageous' thing" and I proceed to tell him that he is a smart boy, a handsome boy, a kind boy, a loving boy, a brave boy, a strong boy, and a courageous boy.
When I think about children feeling alienated and alone, I think of Calvary and how overwhelmingly often I am working to bridge the gap between what I understand and what I know so that he does not have to feel that way.
When I think about girls being sold into slavery, I think of my Harper...and those are thoughts no mother can bear.
When I think about children not knowing how deeply they are loved, I think of Finley and how I feel like she tells me 100 times a day that she loves me just to hear me say it back.

My children are no different from them. Simply because they do not have names or faces yet does not make them any less intimately significant. My heart is on fire because it aches to be in a place that I have never been loving people I have never met...it aches as if I have been there...it aches as if I already know them...in the same way that I look at this picture and my heart aches remembering the moment and the love...

Every day we are closer to being there as the ties we have here are loosened. With the pain of each sacrifice, I rejoice in the truth of purpose...the purpose of loving people now, here and later, there and hopefully everywhere in between.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finishing up school.  i have loved this year, but i am ready for a break!
2. my friend christy deciding to homeschool...our kids have been best friends for 4 years now and i think she is kind of cool too...so excited to start this journey with her.
3. a fresh cut yard...even though i maintain my position that cutting the yard is only another form of vanity...i have to agree that it looks so pretty when it is all cut.
4. my hydrangeas.  they are beautiful.
5. how much my children love hot weather and water...i love the days of being outside, eating popsicles, and playing with the water hose.
6. my children asking to be excused from dinner and running straight away outside...it is the picture of the joy of childhood to me.
7. the funny big/little ways that God works...
8. having so many people come out and support us at the yard sale.
9. jacob's photo shoot with harper and merriwether...
10. harper's friends from church inviting her over to play.
11. my friends from bible study singing happy birthday to me.
12. the bunting that dalila made for me; she knows i love a bunting.
13. watching calvary swim...this kid loves a pool.
14. how the kids keep finding coins on the ground and they bring them to me and say, "for costa rica."
15. my baby brother and his wife.
16. hanging out with my parents...i miss just having time just to chat and have a meal with them...now that the kids are a little older, it is easier some times just to sit.
17. my husband buying me sunglasses for my birthday on his way home from being out of town...he is so very thoughtful.
18. klondike bars.  yum.

nostalgia, yard sales, and other happenings...

this past weekend was a whirlwind to say the very least.  i am finally feeling 100% recovered and my spirit is in full prayer mode for the next big hurdle in our path...our lovely home (or it has potential to be lovely if someone other than myself lives in it with time to clean and keep the outside from looking like a daycare).
but first...just a moment to sit in relish in the workings of the Lord and reflect on His goodness and blessings.
we have started this process with only the assurance that God had called us to costa rica and the belief that His provision would draw us into full preparation.  and at each step i am just amazed at how He has done just that.
we had our first fundraiser/yard sale at my childhood home this past weekend and i just want to rejoice in what the Lord did through that event.
we were able to make a little over $1,800.00 at a yard sale manned by mostly just myself, kyle, and my mom and dad!
we had so much support that i felt all ooey and gooey all weekend long.  i just wish i had the words to express what it does for my heart and spirit to see our family come alongside of us and work with us to accomplish this calling.  it has truly been beautiful to me.
my sweet mom and dad worked their little bodies to the extreme and graciously opened their home to us and all the joys that come with countless children fending for themselves in the midst of chaos.
i had been praying all week that the sale would be successful and even praying specifically that we would make between 1,500-2,000.  friday evening we parked the biggest u-haul you can get in their driveway and they unflinchingly jumped in to start unloading and organizing.  kyle and i had loaded the truck to the brim with donations from christy, jennifer, alli and david, my aunt and uncle and cousins, kyle's mom and dad, and my like-family-friend linda maxine.  the truck was seriously loaded to the brim.  when kyle arrived at my parents' house (who plans a yard sale the weekend of the race?!?!) he slowly started to open the back and as he lifted the gate trinkets started spilling out like a closet shoved full.
i thought it was funny then.
i didn't think it was funny saturday morning.
i started to panic a little on saturday realizing that if all this stuff did not sell then we would be in quite a state trying to figure out how to get all this stuff back to our home...i started praying again...and i just kept pulling stuff out and setting it up and praying.
and before i knew it we were surrounded by a sea of gray make room for the murray shirts and i forgot about all my apprehension.
my mom's neighbors jumped right in and offered their help and our sale spread out over all three yards.  it was massive.
we were still selling things at 6:00 when i had to leave to meet  one of my former students in belmont...my dad eventually had to shut everything down and make my little momma come inside to get some rest...
by the time we donated stuff to the homeless ministry in charlotte and christian mission in mooresville we were down to only 1 truck load to bring back home!
God is so good...i am not sure why i even fret at all...i guess denying my concerns would keep me from seeing his faithfulness at times though :)
the biggest blessing in all of this was all the support.
at almost the same exact time we had people from different times in our lives all gathered with us in the front yard of my parents' home. it was the biggest gift, the biggest encouragement, and the biggest picture of what i hope to bring with me to minister to the lives of the children in costa rica.
i know i keep saying it, and i fear it may become trite, but we truly are just so grateful and so humbled.

The next step...

Sooooo things are getting real now. I referenced in my last post that the conference I had attended the week before helped to prepare my heart for what was about to happen next...and that "next" thing is the selling of just about all of our earthly possessions in an attempt to ready ourselves for the call to serve in Costa Rica.
After hugging my husband and children and soaking in all the sweetness that comes with being missed, I looked around to see that my husband had been quite busy while I was away!
Our living room was noticeably bare...
The school room had no furniture...
The garage was starting to fill with boxes and furniture...
And it hit me.
Of course I knew that this was part of the process; of course I had already planned what was going to sell and what we would store....but knowing only takes my heart part of the way to the destination...
So this week while Kyle has been away I have been sorting and gathering and preparing. I am not going to lie and say that it has not been tough. But I will say that it has been more like a labor pain...labor is NOT fun...but it is worth it.
I have not questioned what we are doing. That assurance can only come from The Lord. It also gives me great assurance that God is ready to see the fruit of labor in Costa Rica! Oh, the plans He must have for that country!!!
I have loved reading and hearing about the flood of beautiful things happening in Honduras and my heart is so encouraged and excited!
I know in my heart and spirit that all that we have here on earth is temporal, but practicing that knowledge is not always as easy...but the testimony of the great work being done there has encouraged me in ways unimaginable.
That being said, I hope that if anyone local would want to come out and support us we would be so grateful and so excited to see your faces!
The kids are going to have a lemonade stand and a bake sale...they have so generously gone through their own toys and decided what they will give up...my dad is going to be grilling hot dogs....my mom is selling Tupperware and 31 as a fundraiser....Marsha Chester has offered to sell Celebrating Home as a fundraiser for ROOM...many of our sweet friends donated generously of their stuff for us to sell...it is going to be a good day.
We are celebrating the work that is being done, we are celebrating the part we are so blessed to play, and we are celebrating what is yet to come!
If you cannot attend, but would like to donate please follow the website makeroomforthemurrays.com and it will link you to the Razoo site where you can securely make a donation.
Please check out Tara Garcia's Facebook page to get a look into the things happening in Honduras. Or check out her blog, taramakeroom.blogspot.com.

Shine...

this past week i was given a fantastic opportunity to go to a conference at celebration church in jacksonville, fl.  kyle and his parents so very graciously worked together to pick up my duties with the kids and the kids, from what information i have been given, behaved beautifully.  they even missed me a little too.  

one of the biggest gifts i was given this week was the gift of assurance of purpose. i haven't really questioned God's calling of our family to costa rica because everything has been so dripping in "only God" moments that to doubt has not really been a possibility.  

yet, though i do not doubt the calling, it is nice to have that assurance.  it is kind of like when a bride is about to walk down the aisle and her maid of honor tells her that it is going to be okay.  or when a new mother looks nervously at her newborn and the nurse tells her that it is going to be okay.  or when a student, who has studied for a test, is assured by their teacher that they are going to do great.  in all of these situations the person doesn't doubt what they are doing...but that assurance calms the spirit.  

and that is what God did for me this week; He calmed my spirit.

in one of the very first sessions, kerri weems taught on the difference between having drive and being driven.  she explained that it is a misconception that the work of Christ is laborious...when God is working with you and through you, He is also carrying the yoke.  the work may not be easy, but it will not crush you.  throughout this process, kyle and i have been amazed at how not scary it all has been.  we certainly have our work cut out for us, and each step requires a little more work, but we have not been tired...we have not dreaded the steps...and we have done things that we have never dreamed we were capable.  and in all reality, we are not capable...but with God carrying the yoke, the work is getting done.  

the following day priscilla shrier spoke on the nature of God, specifically, his patience.  when i think about my inadequacy to be used by God to do anything meaningful i am humbled to the point of almost inaction.  i begin to doubt how He could possibly want me or entrust me with his precious children. but in 1 timothy 1:16, God is described as having "perfect patience"...His patience is proved in how he justifies me as a sinner, he sanctifies me in spite of my penchant for sin, and then, after all of that, He uses me.  the process is big and little...when i think of where i have been and what it has taken me to get to the point where God would entrust me as a missionary, i realize how patient He is...but then, his patience is proved again in the fact that this process is done over and over again daily.  my spirit was once again calmed by this because i was reassured that God does not expect me to suddenly have it all together...He is patient...and in His perfect patience He will make me ready.

message after message, God spoke to my spirit.  seeing the significance of my life as a weapon in God's arsenal made me see even more so the significance of every life as saving.  just staring at a sea of women, seeing each of their faces, and knowing, truly knowing, that each one of them is significant to God is beautiful.  in understanding this significance it becomes simple to understand how and why he would ask us to give up our house, our jobs, and everything we know here to move to costa rica and serve the orphans.  

on the last night of worship i looked around as the crowd of people sang out to God...it was truly one of the most beautiful sights i have ever seen.  

women were singing with the fullness of their voices...

their arms were stretched out as far as they could reach reminding me of my children reaching out to me when they want me to pick them up and pour my love into them...

and it seemed as if not a single person realized that they were not alone in the room with their God.  

their faces reflected the joy of their hearts and the whole room was filled with an overwhelming atmosphere of love and peace.  

i thought to myself, this is what heaven will be like.  

and while i am sure that this picture does not do the sight that i experienced i know that it will serve as a reminder to me of the beauty of a life laid down.  

in this moment, all of the people in the building were completely surrendered to Christ...and it was beautiful.

and, perfect to His nature, the calming of my spirit was perfectly timed as we prepare for the next big step in the journey to costa rica...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. finally getting back to real life...i still feel pulled in so many different directions...but i feel like i am starting to get back to normal.
2. oliver jack playing with calvary instead of watching tv today when calvary had lost his tv privileges...i was grateful for that moment to be able to point out how nice it is to have a little brother...
3. calvary praying that his sunflowers will grow...those little guys are busting out with gusto!  i am almost as excited as he is to see them completely grown.
4. new flowers in my window box.
5. the enormous amount of blooms starting to peek out of my hydrangeas...every time i see them i think about the message of how pruning is a necessary part of life in order to produce fruit...what a sweet reminder in this season of our lives.
6. making friendship bracelets with harper.  it is hard for me to believe that she is big enough to be able to handle more complicated crafts but it is exciting as well...it won't be long before we are working on big things together.
7. how this month marks the last month of school!  i have loved homeschooling, but i am ready for a break!  i am ready to just play...this beautiful weather has me ready to spend all day at the pool, park, and just be outside playing and enjoying the easiness of a summer schedule.
8. having family over for dinner.  it is nice to share our table with friends and family.
9. my kids getting older and having deeper teachable moments with them.
10. the outpouring of generosity and support we have received through our donation marketplace on facebook.  
11. going grocery shopping...i haven't been grocery shopping in 4 weeks...unbelievable...all we have done is picked up a few things here and there...but today was the day when our shelves were filled.  
12. all the green in our yard...the woods in our backyard are starting to fill in but they are not out of control yet...the grass is starting to fill in but it is not so rampant that it is difficult to keep up with the mowing...
13. watching the blue birds fill their nests and take care of their babies...
14. having the quiet time of finley's nap to sit, rest, and catch up with the details of life.  
15. having strangers commend my children for their behavior.  those moments are sweet for all of us...my kids are proud...and i am proud of them...i love those moments...i assure you that there are also many moments where we are not spoken to commending behavior...but this week has been a good one.
16. mailing t shirts to people who have bought them.  
17. realizing just how much my children have learned this year.  i am proud of their accomplishments and how hard they have worked.  
18. watching calvary teach oliver jack school...it is so sweet to watch him "act" like a teacher and it is just as sweet to watch oliver jack respond to him.
19. harper telling calvary how amazed she is at his math abilities...i love when they build each other up...
20. oliver jack waking up yesterday morning and realizing that finley was snuggled up to him...he smiled so big and then laid as still as possible so not to disturb her.  he would bend down and kiss her cheek and then turn and grin at me...probably one of my forever moments...

Friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1. Having field trips with my friend/ fellow homeschool mom.
2. Getting a chance to be crafty...even if it means that I am getting very little sleep...with another friend to raise funds for Costa Rica.
3. Signing Kyle up for his immersion Spanish class.
4. Calvary calling Alli to ask her to make his birthday cake. Phone talking is not his strength and he really didn't want to do it, but he did! Of course Alli had already graciously agreed to make him a cake because she loves him...but he didn't know that ;)
5. Having Alli around for many reasons...just a few reasons are because she is an amazing gf baker, her work on our tshirts, and just her overall willingness to help us...we are so grateful.
6. Cleaning off our back deck from the layer of pollen that covered it so that we can now sit out there and do class or drink coffee...love it...
7. Finley and Oliver Jack "reading" their Bible during Bible time. Finley will say, "where do you want me to turn? Corinthians or blue?"
8. Watching my kids play in the sprinkler and with water balloons. We are for sure a summertime family...these kids love warm weather, water, flowers, and being outside giggling and having a good time.
9. Popsicles.
10. Wearing flip flops.
11. Oliver Jack's desire to buy Calvary a birthday present. He has been saving his money and he wants to use it to buy a present and it just makes my heart swoon to see them be so loving to each other.
12. Finley following Oliver Jack around wherever he goes and sitting right beside him on the couch. He pushed her up the hill on his bike yesterday and then ran behind her to "make sure she didn't suddenly jump off".
13. Harper's desire to craft and work with me. She is at the age where is so aware of what is going on and what is being said and wants to be a part of every decision making conversation...sometimes it is aggravating to be honest...but other times it is so sweet to see how much she loves and admires us...if only I could actually deserve that type of admiration.
14. Listening to Oliver Jack and Finley count. They are really into counting right now and they love to count EVERYTHING!
15. Mowing the grass and getting the yard tidied up.
16. Working in the nursery at church.
17. My kids in summer clothes...little girls in summer dresses and little boys in plaid shorts...so sweet.
18. Finley recognizing her name when it is written.
19. Harper's attention to details of picking out her clothes. She loves to put outfits together and try and make things coordinate. Love this part of her getting older.

Friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1. Spring Break! I got so much laundry done and cleaning done...I am not going to focus on how getting laundry done is a sad barometer of fun...instead I am choosing to focus on how liberating it feels to be caught up on the task!
2. Finley feeling better....she was down from Tuesday night to Monday afternoon with a stomach bug.
3. Watching the kids do Easter egg hunts & finding their Easter baskets.
4. Calvary's excitement over new socks.
5. Oliver Jack saying, "do that 'courageous" thing momma" when I tuck him in at night...I tell him, "You are a kind boy. You are a loving boy. You are a brave boy. You are a courageous boy." He loves it...I love how sweetly he gobbles up those words of affirmation...
6. Kyle's mystery trip he planned and surprised us with last week...not this week, but I didn't muse last week so I had to include it here!...it was so fun. He took us to the zoo, an arcade, and to make it all the more awesome we stayed overnight in a hotel with an indoor pool...the kids loved it!
7. Meeting new people through the common goal of ministry. I have been so humbled by the amount of people willing to help us and educate us as we begin this journey.
8. Christy's new Pygmy goat.
9. Hearing Calvary sing. He has such a beautiful little voice and he always sings worship songs. I just love it so much.
10. Finley not refusing to poop in the potty anymore.
11. Oliver Jack taking care of Finley. He loves her so much...even though she can be so feisty sometimes!
12. Harper telling me that she doesn't want me to go somewhere because she "likes to be around me"...
13. The kids being able to get outside and play and climb trees...
14. Calvary and Oliver Jack playing together. Oliver Jack is learning Calvary's quirks; he knows that Calvary has a difficult time coming up with ideas on his own and he has heard me give Calvary options...so now I overhear Oliver Jack say, "Calvary, here are your options: we can play Legos or we can color. Which do you choose?" Calvary always picks one and off they go!
15. Eating dinner at a restaurant other than fast food...it was a long, long time since we have gone out and it was so nice!
16. Having Chloe and Emmi come over and doing a sewing project...we all had a great time and it was so funny to watch all of the kids sew, paint, and be so proud of their finished products...
17. The kids excitement when Kyle gets home after work.
18. Starting to make tangible steps to get ready for Costa Rica. Making plans for our house, selling or giving away our stuff, and starting to plan fundraisers are making all of this become increasingly real and that much more exciting.

April....

It is kind of perfect that April is Autism Awareness Month because it is also the month of Calvary's birthday...it basically is a month for him :)
I feel somewhat passionate about Autism Awareness not because I am craving people to understand and accept my son (although that would be nice) but more so that people will understand what to look for in their own children so that they can have early intervention.
Knowing the signs, advocating for your child, and being educated on possible forms of treatment are cornerstones of helping your child with Autism have the most success possible.
I often wonder where we would be had my sister-in-law not walked this road with my niece or my child's caretaker not expressed her concerns or had I not listened to either....our road to treatment started before Calvary's third birthday.
God has perfectly created Calvary and my desire is not,and has never been, to "fix" him...Calvary sees the world in such a unique way and his faith is something of which I marvel...my desire is only to understand the world he experiences more fully so that he can enjoy it more fully as well.
The symptoms of being misunderstood have always been what has concerned me most: anxiety, irritability, and aggression.
The meltdowns are not fun. Neither is the rigidity or inability to understand waiting...but what broke my heart was knowing that my son couldn't express what he didn't understand. Sometimes because he didn't have the words to describe it, sometimes because he doesn't understand why would see things any differently, and sometimes because everything was just building and building until none of us could really pin point the trigger. All of this created fear. Fear that we wouldn't understand or that someone would expect him to hug them when he was super uncool with it or that he would have to introduce himself to someone. All of this fear and anxiety made him edgy and quick to fight. His poor body was almost constantly in fight or flight mode...he was so out of whack sensory wise that he was almost constantly on the breaking point of a meltdown.
Yet, now, through understanding why my child is different, helping to find what he needs, and fighting to have those needs met Calvary is a much, much happier child.
This is why Autism Awareness is important to me.
I cannot imagine Calvary going through his whole life feeling misunderstood. We all have moments of feeling misunderstood...those are frustrating moments...but to have one continuous line of that feeling would make any of us want to jump up and down or spin and spin until we could just drown it all out.
I also feel passionate about Awareness because how essential it is for a parent to know what their options are as far as treatment...our culture is drug happy. We want a quick fix and an easy fix. But we all know that quick fixes and easy fixes are not usually the best most lasting fixes. We can put as much tape on a leak as we want but eventually that hose is going to burst...
A year ago Calvary was diagnosed with Asperger's and a mood disorder-NOS.
At that point we were encouraged to try medication because Calvary's moods were so out of control.
We reluctantly agreed that medication was the path we needed to try. We were reluctant not because we didn't agree that medication could be needed but because it broke our hearts to realize that it was.
Although the initial effects were positive, we quickly realized that medication is not without costs. This is another reason I am a big advocate for Autism Awareness. Without being aware of other treatment options we would have been stuck in the vortex of man made pharmaceuticals...and while I am not against medication, in fact I am grateful for the gift of medication, I do believe that it should be used only as a last result.
We found an integrative doctor that combines holistic methods with western medicine (shouldn't all doctors be integrative!!?!!). She found that Calvary has a gluten intolerance as well as an iron store deficiency. Since Calvary, and Kyle, switched to a gluten free diet we have been able to go med free! Calvary's mood is much more stable now and he is far less anxious. He also demonstrates far less rigidity and OCD tendencies.
Awareness means so much more than just knowing that children or adults around you may be autistic. Awareness should lead to understanding. Understanding Calvary makes me a much more effective advocate for him because now I am not trying to fix him; I am trying to bridge the gap.
A year ago we had a therapist sit in a room with me and solemnly tell me that not only does my son have Aspergers but that he also had a mood disorder. She went on to sympathetically offer her support for the meltdowns that we were accustomed to navigating. Her tone, all though very gentle and supportive, left me feeling very hopeless. My faith was rocked and it took me quite a while to remember that God is in control. I stopped letting fear be my guide and started looking to God...
2 weeks ago Calvary's therapist sat in amazement of Calvary's progress.
I believe that choosing faith over fear and realizing that being aware of what Autism is and how it can be treated is a huge reason for how much he is thriving.
My prayer is that I will continue to grow and learn so that as his mother I can thrive as well. Autism Awareness should be so much more than just knowing statistics; it should be an ongoing process of education and acceptance.

Friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1. The website that Jessica made for our family.
2. Consignment sales and finding cool things like loads of books for Harper for .50 cents a piece!
3. Writing emails in Spanish. Realizing that I can get the general idea of most written Spanish...spoken...well, I am going to work on that one a whole whole whole lot.
4. Watching cartoons in Spanish with the kids...they are gaining some vocabulary and it is really sweet to watch them try.
5. Calvary trying to think of the perfect present for his friend Adam. He has come such a long way from just year ago and moments of thoughtfulness like this are the evidence that we are moving in the right direction.
6. A sweet friend offering her early bird tickets on FB and me being able to have them...I think that these moments of sweet exchange are evidence that there are SO many beautiful souls in the world.
7. The amount of interest and support we have had as we announced our transition into ministry. I am sure that we will have many, many bumpy roads ahead but it is such an awesome blessing to feel the love. :)
8. The friends I have made over the past couple of months. I am inspired by Tara's passion, Traci's sincerity, and Meredith's diligence.
9. Watching how Kyle is totally comfortable outside his "comfort zone" when he is living inside God's calling...
10. Bluebirds nesting in the bird houses in our backyard.
11. Signs of spring...
12. My kids playing outside together.
13. My new bedtime...yes, I gave myself a bedtime so that I would stop staying up so late! I was finding it more and more difficult to get up and be cheery before coffee.
14. Oliver Jack taking care of Finley. He is so sweet to her that it makes my heart just sing.
15. Calvary laughing at my jokes. He laughs like I am the funniest person in the world...and I am not...but he makes me feel like I am.
16. Harper taking her writing test for end of grade testing...and being so "glad we don't do that everyday" and by "that" she means get up early, get dressed, grab breakfast, and go to school...I love realizing that they love it as much as we do.
17. Seeing Susan and Hunter every other Tuesday when we leave Calvary's appointment...it is always nice to see the two of them.
18. Taco soup. It is yummy. Julie made it for us on Sunday afternoon and it was so yummy! Kyle even liked it...his only request is that we stop calling it taco soup and call it "chili" instead.
19. Calvary keeping track of what activities we do on certain days...I sometimes wonder what all is going on in that little head of his...
20. Finley's empathy...she hates for us to be sad or upset...so if we even pretend to be sad or upset it bothers her...she has such a sweet heart...

es para ti...

*this is long...really long...


i have been waiting for the perfect moment to sit down and write this blog.  i know that people have questions about our recent announcement of partnering with ROOM as missionaries in costa rica...and even if there are no questions...there is quite certainly some clarity i am still seeking within this call.  clarity that i know God will continue to give as his plan opens up under our feet.  at first i was scared that i did not have all the answers.  what am i going to do?  how can i help? what if my spanish is even worse than i think?  but then i was reminded of how even paul used words that were not exactly clear such as "perhaps" and "wherever" when he addressed the church of corinth (16:6).  so then i sighed...thanked God for where he has us now...and decided to write.
i don't have all the answers.  but before january i didn't even know that costa rica was in our future!
the best metaphor i can use for this situation is to think of a puzzle.
our family has been doing quite a bit of puzzles lately, much to my own chagrin...even though i do get sucked into them...  whenever we are working on a puzzle each person takes a certain part of the picture. i work on one corner, kyle works on another, harper sorts out the edge pieces, oliver jack runs by with a sticky hand and unknowingly to the rest of us manages to steal key pieces, calvary refuses to work because there are too many pieces and too many workers, and finley distracts us with other puzzles.
when kyle and i finish the parts that we are working on we know that we do not have the full picture.  there are still other parts of the puzzle to be completed.  i only have one specific element of the picture complete and kyle another.  to get a more complete picture we have to combine all of the separate parts.
this is the clearest illustration i can even think to have for where kyle and i are now! we have parts of this puzzle figured out.  we have realized that the past 2 years were a section of the puzzle....before that, my time pursuing a degree in spanish although never used and honestly not very good at it and my time teaching spanish by default of a series of strange circumstances are another section....kyle's time serving on mission teams, learning valuable skills that will be useful in any arena, his love for worship, his countless hours dedicated to coaching and teaching children are another section.
and then, once the picture of costa rica is in place, it will fit in with a bigger picture.
we can see that the puzzle is coming together, but those borders that harper is looking for are not going around just the call of costa rica.  and those pieces that oliver jack keeps stealing and hiding will always eventually be found...even when we don't believe him when he says he has the pieces and it is not until he opens up his little hands with that sneaky grin that we realize that pieces are even missing...and even though finley keeps distracting us with things that are good and fun and sweet...the puzzle will still get finished.  it is our job to stay focused.  and not to be discouraged or overwhelmed by the volume of pieces and the unknown like calvary...to look diligently to the one who knows the complete picture in order to guide our hands at finding the pieces...oh me!  i cannot even imagine trying to put a puzzle together without a picture of what the puzzle is intended to be!
and in this situation, only God knows.  only God knows what he has in store for us in costa rica.
we are grateful for the call.  our hearts are so ready to serve, connect, and build a program in costa rica like ROOM is ministering through in honduras.
currently, ROOM is assisting 27 orphanages in honduras!  that is HUGE!  prior to tara's family moving to honduras, they were only able to assist 4 orphanages.  in one of our first conversations tara briefly introduced me to her vision for ROOM in costa rica and basically stated that ROOM has made contact with 6 orphanages in costa rica and would love to do so much more than they are currently able to do.  in order to reach and assess the needs of these orphanages they would need to plant a missionary family there.

the cool thing is how God works...as they were praying for a family to fill that void and become a missionary family that would help pioneer the vision, God was speaking to my heart and kyle's.

one morning before i was going to meet my friend traci for a playdate with our kids i called kyle just to chat.  during the conversation i told him, "i really feel like God is calling us into missions...to somewhere like costa rica"  he immediately made fun of me for choosing costa rica and i thought that the only reason costa rica came to my heart was because of my general love of spanish culture.  but God placed those words on my lips and in my heart because later that morning as I shared with traci the stirring we have had she said, "where do you want to go? costa rica? or india?".  he placed costa rica in my heart.  and now it is there and every day my love for this country grows and grows.  our love for children has only grown as we have loved and cared for our own children.  knowing them makes it impossible for me to see the suffering of children and not want to do something to minister to their pain.  in costa rica we will be able to put our hands to action and serve children that are hurting and in need of their most basic needs.

the five basic needs which we will be partnering with ROOM to provide for the orphanages in costa rica are:

1. gospel materials.
2. clean water
3. food and nutrition
4. clean living spaces
5. personal hygiene

along with these 5 basic needs, kyle and i will be able to assess other needs that become urgent and particular for costa rica.  

afterall, we are all instructed to "look after the orphans in their distress" (james 1:27) and for us that means answering the call to move to costa rica.  to leave behind our home, our families, our jobs (well...kyle's job) and move to a different country to learn a new language, a new culture, and a gain a deeper understanding of what it means to serve.

for others, it may mean to support, through sponsorship, the work that is being done.  

i have never had a more resolute understanding of what it means to be part of the body of christ than i do right now!  the picture is so clear to me and it is beautiful in its completion.  

romans 12:5 says so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others.

we all work together to be the body of christ.  the job is too hard and the vision is not our own.  we have all been instructed to take care of the orphans and for each of us that means something different.  we cannot all seek to have the same job or else the body is incomplete.  the hands cannot do the work if the heart is not pumping.  the eyes cannot see if the brain is not translating the images.  we are all uniquely intertwined and connected and intrinsically important.  

there is work to be done and we can accomplish so much more together through God then we could ever dream to do alone. 

the following pictures are from the work in honduras and prayers for what i hope will be done for the children in costa rica...

this picture is of street ministry in honduras

Thanks to Dr. Hernandez, Dr. Jensy, and Dentonics of Monroe, NC, ROOM's dental program just took a huge step forward: cleaning teeth and filling cavities, good prevention for lots of orphanages here!

Another abandoned baby arrived today to the public orphanage as we were leaving

filling in nutritional gaps

repairing and creating safe living environments

this is just a portion of some of the work to be done.  the stories of abandoned children, the image of sick babies, the sheer number of children living in orphanages is heartbreaking...and although i cannot become their mother, i can show them love.  

i can stand in the gap for them.

i can hold their tiny bodies.

i can read them a story.

i can play tag.

i can take them to the doctor.

i can give them clean water and healthy food.

i can answer yes to the call to help God's children.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. my kids praying and thanking God for each other...my heart rejoices hearing them love each other.
2. watching harper walk down the aisle at her uncle's wedding...she took my breath away.  she is growing up so fast and she has such a beautiful soul.
3. my mom and dad taking the boys to a movie.  they had such an awesome time and it was great that they were able to have some "boy's only" time.
4. kyle's mom and dad coming to the rescue and keeping a sickly finley so that i could go to the wedding.  
5. getting caught up on laundry.  
6. harper and finley sleeping on the floor together in my room.
7. calvary learning more and more how to have self-control and learning the value of being kind to others. 
8. our church's new move! exciting times ahead!
9. going to book stores with my kids...they love books!
10. finley becoming more and more expressive with her words and body language.  she is really ridiculous.
11. seeing how much harper and calvary have learned this year.  i was so unsure of what we were walking into this year but seeing how much they have grown and learned has helped me to become so much more confident for our future.
12. meeting new people...exciting to meet new people and just see wonderful people living for Jesus.
13. the bunny hat that jennifer made for little finley...it is so adorable and i cannot wait to have it in hand and then on finley's head :)
14. my kids excitement for learning spanish...calvary has asked to have a notebook so that he can fill it with all his new words he is learning...they are constantly asking me how to say different phrases (some are more useful phrases than others).  i am so glad that i have the opportunity to spend more time teaching them a second language than what is allocated otherwise.
15. learning that i have SO much to learn.  i am humbled more and more everyday by just how much i think i know versus the realization of what i actually know.  this is true for all areas of my life; spiritually, emotionally, academically, and inter-personally ...
16. week 2 of the new expectation and reward system and, minus a few setbacks earlier this week, the kids are still going strong and their rooms and areas have never been so consistently clean with such little effort on my part!  i am still choosing to rejoice in this victory and praying for continued success in the future...
17. jesus calling devotional...we have been using this devotional in our bible time in the morning and harper and calvary are really responding to the text as well as learning how to find the scriptures in the bible.  finley is totally unimpressed and usually spends this time rolling around on the couch and poking oliver jack in the eye.  oliver jack tries to be interested but usually he is more entertained by finley rolling around and poking him in the eye...
18. finley eating more vegetables and fruit...by no means is she a "healthy eater" but she is SO much more willing to try things than she ever has before...and she actually enjoys some of it too!  
19. kyle and finley's shared love of all things peanuts.  
20. how cute kyle was playing and planning for david's wedding...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week...

1. cuddly little babies (or not so little) in my bed.
2. former students contacting me and thinking of me...means more than they could possibly know.
3. phone calls from my children...i am trying to instill in them at a very young age that i want them to call me when they are not home...maybe it will help it not be so weird when they are older?
4. hearing calvary read to his brother and sister.
5. finley calling oliver jack her "little brother" because calvary is her "big brother".
6. kyle not having to work this weekend...boo to weekends where he works.
7. shopping trips with my girls.
8. buying harper a pretty dress that she just loved...we don't buy too many clothes but it was just so sweet to see her love it and then want it...but still not expect it...it was sweet.  i loved it.
9. taking oliver jack on a date.
10. how they love getting hot chocolate at starbucks as part of the fun outings.
11. running with dalila...otherwise i may just die.
12. eating grapefruit for breakfast.
13. using finley's naptime as my "office hours"...i have officially taken this time and use it for bible time, emailing, and the occasional shower...love it.
14. oliver jack loving on me.
15. playing candy land with the kids and having to use lego men or sour patch kids as the pieces because we lost all the real pieces.
16. finley putting her hands on her hips with a look of shock and disgust when something really takes her off guard.
17. calvary dressing finley up so that she can be ready for the ball.
18. our new chore/discipline system...so far it is working...we will rejoice in that !
19. continued hope for my brother...so grateful for the change i see on the horizon
20. my little brother and jessica's awesome news of health!

growing...

this year has been quite a year.  between feeling helpless because the well-being of our oldest son felt threatened and between feeling helpless because of financial hardships caused by so many things but mostly the expenses related to having a child with special needs we have really felt the pressure of the vice of life.
every hardship has tested my faith in a new (and not exciting) way.  in the beginning i felt like i was simply trying to put my "faith" face on and scare the fear out of myself.  hoping that my faith would sustain me...not in whom my faith rested...but my actual faith.  i turned my faith into an idol.  weird.
i am still trying to figure that one out but it kind of reminds me of a person keeping a rabbit's foot in their pocket, searching for 4 leaf clovers, or putting a horse's shoe over the doorway.  my faith became all of these things for me.  i guess i will put faith in quotation marks from here on out when i write about it in reference to this situation because it wasn't real faith at all..."faith" was a clover.  the cross was belittled to nothing more than a trinket of superstition.  i hoped that my "faith" would keep me from any more hardship...that my "faith" would hold me afloat...or that if i could just have enough "faith" then i would lead a long a trouble free life.
when i re-think the days of calvary's evaluation and, specifically, the day we chose to medicate him i realize just how weak my true faith had been.  i just let the storm blow me away.
i am so grateful for being surrounded by people that ushered me right back to Jesus. i have learned so much through the faith lives of others....i have watched people weather times that are far tougher than my own storms with far more grace and what i have learned the most from my own experience and the experience of observation of others is that without true faith that God is in control of our lives we will not have the strength to weather many storms.
"for we walk by faith not by sight" 2 Corinthians 5:7
"for the things which are seen are temporal and the things which are unseen are eternal" 2 Corinthians 4:18.
in the midst of these trials this year two wonderful realizations have come into my life and into my heart of which i am quite certain i would have never experienced if it had not been such a challenging path:
1. my husband and i are undoubtedly suited for each other and i am unbelievably grateful for him and his heart.
2. the realization of what true faith is...i have learned what an act of discipline it is to choose faith over fear. not because my faith is bigger than my fear but because my God, in whom i have faith, is bigger than my fear.
with these two lessons i believe God has been shaping my husband and i to be prepared for anything...
i am learning what it means to trust Him with what i love most in this world; i am learning to trust God's provision...
the strange part is that when we began to see a light at the end of our tunnel i started to fear leaving the comfort of His shadow. i felt like a baby bird reluctant to leave the nest...i was worried that the character traits that have been refined over the past years would be lost once i no longer "needed" them. but, once again, dear friends reminded me that it is for such a time as this that we have gained our tools...2 Timothy 3:14-17 "but as for you, continue in what you have learned and have become convinced of, because you know those from who you have learned it, and how from infancy you have known the holy scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus. all scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting, and training in righteousness, so that the man of God may be thoroughly equipped for every good work."
the trials in our lives are not meant to keep us held down or held back but meant to "fully equip" us for the work that is ahead...allowing myself to be afraid of stepping out in faith reminds me of the Israelites longing for the slavery of Egypt instead of suffering in the dessert and trusting that God had a plan for their time in that dessert. i know it is silly of them to choose slavery and i think how crazy they were not to trust God...yet, at every step i see more and more how very much parallel my experience is at the microcosmic level...
i am thankful for His patience with me because i am such a slow learner.
i know that i have so much more growth ahead and that is both exciting and terrifying; growth is not always easy (as evidenced by these past two years) but i would rather be growing in The Lord rather hiding in my fear or resting in my ignorance...

"...I'd rather scrub floors in the house of my God than be honored as a guest in the palace of sin" (Psalm 84:10)

after all, this life is truly such a sweet gift...

monday's musings...

...'cause i forgot on friday.
things i am loving about this week:

1. washing produce when i get home from the grocery store and putting it in the refrigerator or nice little reusable storage containers.  i don't know why...it just make me happy.
2. kyle and the kids working to fold the mountain of laundry i have been avoiding all week.
3. harper and merriwether exchanging letters in the mail.
4. getting to have a lunch with my sister-in-law during the week. 
5. my kids having someone praise their behavior...i wish people understood what a boost it is for their character and motivation it is for them to hear positive feedback.  i asked the lady if she would repeat what she said to me to the kids because i make them take responsibility for their poor choices and i only think it is right if they get to take responsibility for their good ones as well...
6. sarah's bridal shower...loved having a chance to celebrate the upcoming wedding of this awesome couple as well as feeling so grateful to be where we are with this awesome family....such a testimony of God's faithfulness and i am always humbled by it.
7. little harper.  she is just so amazing.  smart, funny, compassionate, and generous....i see a million ways throughout the week.
8. hearing myself say things that i should never have to say such as, "harper, please do not eat out of the trashcan."  "why are you scratching your tongue?" "it is time for bed; not for riding your brother like a horse!" "please don't play with that lizard's eye ball."  
9. lecturing my kids and suddenly having flashbacks to lectures with my father...he always had a way of saying things that were just too funny and made us laugh and all the while he was being serious.  kyle just looks at me and tries not to laugh and then the kids just lose it...
10. our church offering a gluten free option for communion...what a gift it is to be a part of the body of Christ that recognizes the needs of that body! we have several people within our church that are gluten free and our church has taken steps and then even further steps to make sure that my husband, my son, and all of our fellow gluten free people can partake in this sacrament...beautiful.
11. hope.  hope for my brother...freedom.  i am holding fast to the beautiful testimony that is being written in his life!
12. finding out that old and distant, but still very much loved, are having their very first baby!  (this made my day beth lake!) so very happy for you both!
13. talking openly with calvary about asperger's.  i want him to understand what it is and how he is affected by it-- both the limitations and the areas where he will excel-- my prayer is that in understanding how he is neuro-different will be empowering and freeing...
14. oliver jack picking out candy for each of the kids with kyle...he even knew that he couldn't get calvary sour punch straws because they were not gluten free before kyle even could check!  he pays such attention to his siblings...
15. finley mirroring.  she is copying the people around her more and more and it is hilarious to see her perception of each of us.
16. re-usable k-cups...good grief it is expensive to have coffee with a keurig! 
17. writing.  sometimes i feel like i struggle with communicating my heart to people...i can be silly or i can be serious but i have a hard time accepting a compliment or transitioning a conversation to matters that are personal to my heart.  writing is liberating for me.  i can write how i feel and utilize the transparency that i crave instead of hiding behind silliness or behind mothering.  i can be real. 
18. my wednesday afternoon runs with dalila!  it has been so awesome developing a friendship with her and i am so grateful for knowing her :)
19. mr. levi's sweet gift of a bird house and bird feeder for our back yard.  he really does love us....way way way deep down. 
20. focusing on the little moments that make this life so precious...

friday's musings...

Things I am loving about this week:

1.  Having Bible with the kids...I love watching them think outside of themselves.
2.  Running &; exercising...I have been wanting/needing to get back into working out but I have made so many excuses and I never have time but I really do feel SO much better when I work out. I am not doing anything impressive...just enough to get moving during the winter slow months.
3.  Great Samaritan Methodist doing the Run for God program. It is definitely nice to have some accountability...I would without doubt still be hoping to work out if it wasn't for the shame I would have quitting :)
4. Finley playing at the park instead of chasing me wanting to be held...
5. Playing football with the kids.
6.  Looking out my window and seeing Calvary and Oliver Jack huddled up "like real football players" and playing football together.
7.  Appreciating the beauty of seeing my boys playing together.
8.  Harper really enjoying division. Math is not her strong suit and she although she does well since it doesn't come naturally she usually fights me more on her work...but she has been really enjoying it.
9. My kids in pajamas that actually match. They are all about picking out their own pajamas and it drives me crazy when the tops and bottoms do not match but it is a little like Christmas when they come down wearing pjs that match.
10.  Harper taking such care of Finley.  She loves to take care of her...sometimes I have to ask her to hold back so I can have a part of her care-taking :)
11. My new haircut.  Kimberly cut off so much and it was so exciting to have such a change and feel refreshed...although I have many moments where I do still miss my long hair.
12. My mom and dad coming up for a visit.  
13. They brought a baby they were watching and Finley said, "Thank you for bringing our new baby.  I love him!"  If it was that easy I am sure we would have at least 5 or six more.
14. The women at our church.  I have been so excited to be a part of such a group of people who are so open, loving, and genuinely interested in being a part of each other's lives.  It has been a gift.  
15. Watching Oliver Jack walk over and sweetly hug Calvary...and Calvary not push him away.  
16. Oliver Jack's sweetness.  This boy just loves people.  He has his moments and when he is angry his go to defense is to withhold his sweetness...but even that shows me just how much he values kind words and snuggles.  
17. Making hot tea for Harper in the morning while we do her school work.  Everyone else is usually either watching Finley's show for the day or playing so it is nice to give her something that makes her feel a bit big to comfort one of the not so positive sides of being big.  
18. I wrote "Yay!" on one of Calvary's papers for school and he asked me if I could "write 'yay' in Spanish instead..."  I love that my kids are interested in another language and grateful that they are being raised to understand that it is a privilege to speak two languages and not a disservice.  
19. Kyle's support.  I have been so busy lately and I feel like we have not been able to spend as much time together but he never grumbles or complains when I have to leave after dinner or meet someone on the weekend during the day.  It helps me understand how he feels leaving us each day and it helps me to be a bit more sensitive to that.
20. Nights when the kids go straight to sleep without coming down 7 million times to kiss us, get cups of water, tell us that so-in-so is talking too loud, show us what a bear looks like wearing glasses, or inform us that Oliver Jack is giving Finley horsey rides...
21. ...but then again...I kind of love those times too.

draw me close...

"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near"

it is almost not an exaggeration to say that this song is just a a few years younger than i am....i have heard it a million times...and yet i am singing it tonight. 
my hands are freezing cold and i am reflecting on the day and how messy the house is and how tired i am of hearing the bickering of my children and i find myself singing "draw me close to you, never let me go..."
i have spent a good bit of my life thinking.  trying.  doing.  and the crazy thing is that as much as i am trying and thinking and doing i am continuously amazed at how God fixes all of my thinking, trying, and doing. 
this hardly makes sense to me but i am writing it here anyway because i am just amazed by God.  i am amazed at how i never understand Him and then i do...and then i don't again... 
i have often thought of my pursuit of God as exactly that...a chase...a hunt...trying to catch and uncover a hidden and distant God.  in my relationship with God i see myself as the hunter.  the closer i am to finding Him the more in line my walk of faith is.  and while i know that seeking God is a biblical principle i now realize my understanding of God's response to my pursuit has been tragically flawed...

Proverbs 8:17 - I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.


Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Psalms 34:10 - The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].

Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 - Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

oh, it is biblical to seek God...i am instructed to seek God diligently, earnestly, and continually...but God is not in it for a chase.  i immediately think of the hunger games and in so many ways my perception of faith has been a last man standing mentality. 
our reward is found only if we survive the hunt. 
we will find God, if, by some strength of our own, we manage to maintain some sort of faith throughout all of the trials of life. 
this is so wrong!

he tells us over and over again that we will find him if we seek him!  he will not hide his face from me.  he has not forsaken me. 

what comfort?! 
and when i look back through my life i see evidence of it all.  i see evidence of his hand orchestrating these huge moments in my life and i realize that all the while i feel like i am seeking him it is truly His hand that has been guiding me all the while. 
He hasn't been hiding behind trees or lurking in shadows.  He has lovingly and gently been pulling me forward...
i read the perfect image for this in the book i have been currently reading called Families Where Grace is Place: Building a Home free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame...long title...but i probably wouldn't have read it if it were just for the first part of the title...but the idea of building a home where my children are taught and modeled faith free of manipulation, legalism, and shame really captured the core of my heart. 
relatively early on in the book vanvonderen clarifies the definition of "spirit filled" with the image that has remained present in my thoughts for a few weeks now...
"it is not the wind in the sail that propels the boat--the boat is not pressured forward from behind.  in fact, the wind creates a negative pressure--a vacuum--in front of the sail.  this vacuum is the force that attracts the boat forward. so being filled with the spirit does not mean being power-driven through the christian life, as if the Holy Spirit were a locomotive-wind behind us.  rather, it means being drawn into godly living by the Holy Spirit, who is in front of us, focusing us on God. i guess God knows about physics too" (81). 

this truly transformed how i have viewed God. 
instead of seeking God for the wind that pushes me into the right path, seeking God becomes something so much more graceful and gentle.  it becomes more about the "be still and know..." faith instead of the chaotic rabbit chase of faith that i have been participating in most of my life.  i am not good at being out of control.  i want to lead the ship but there is something so beautiful about surrendering to His pull...

and that is why my heart is singing "draw me close to you...never let me go...i lay it all down again...to hear you say that i'm your friend...YOU'RE ALL I WANT...YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED..."