Lately...

I tentatively start this because I don't want things to sound worse than they are.  Because things are not bad.  Most days, I am baffled by how well things are going.  I would have never dreamed two years ago that my son that could not even bring himself to sleep in a different room in our house would be able to float between two houses with ease.  My parents and Kyle's parents have been so gracious. Everyone has been so supportive.

The problem, I have realized, is me.

I love to enjoy my kids.  I love to play and do special activities with them.  But....and this is a sad "but" for me...

I do not work well under stress.

I do not like to be busy.

Life with four children is full and busy and distracting...and in order for me to not feel overwhelmed I need simplicity.

I have been frustrated because I have felt very distracted.  I feel like I am finishing school...preparing meals...trying, and failing, to keep the kids quiet while the baby my mom keeps sleeps...and that is it.

My frustration with my distraction has lead me to pray for stillness of my Spirit. Kyle also received an email from a friend that encouraged us to not become distracted from our "pursuit of holiness"...& while I am not linking motherhood synonymously with holiness I am acknowledging that my distraction in my role as a mother is a symptom of my distraction from pursuing holiness and stillness with God.

It is stressful to expect perfection from my kids when we are living with people that have generously opened their home to us...even though these people are our parents and our children's grandparents and have so much grace for us all, I just want this to be a positive experience for us all.  I have realized, that I almost expect it to be like we aren't even here at all...not exactly realistic when it comes to bringing a family of six into any home.  

The result of all this distraction and frustration has resulted in a laundry list of issues but it all can basically boil down to a mom with less patience and grace.  

Once again, I am in a place where I realize that I have been looking for the culprit all the while the source is far closer than I initially expected.

I have been entrusted with this sphere of influence...these children and my husband...and I have needed to realize that it is time for some grace...

So, although the plan was to push through Thanksgiving break in order to continue on the path to finish school before we leave, I have decided that we are in dire need of a break.   

We are simply going to bask in the gift of family.  Relish in the beauty of this small picture of God's love for us.  Treasure the joys of childhood....and simply be.