draw me close...

"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you

You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near"

it is almost not an exaggeration to say that this song is just a a few years younger than i am....i have heard it a million times...and yet i am singing it tonight. 
my hands are freezing cold and i am reflecting on the day and how messy the house is and how tired i am of hearing the bickering of my children and i find myself singing "draw me close to you, never let me go..."
i have spent a good bit of my life thinking.  trying.  doing.  and the crazy thing is that as much as i am trying and thinking and doing i am continuously amazed at how God fixes all of my thinking, trying, and doing. 
this hardly makes sense to me but i am writing it here anyway because i am just amazed by God.  i am amazed at how i never understand Him and then i do...and then i don't again... 
i have often thought of my pursuit of God as exactly that...a chase...a hunt...trying to catch and uncover a hidden and distant God.  in my relationship with God i see myself as the hunter.  the closer i am to finding Him the more in line my walk of faith is.  and while i know that seeking God is a biblical principle i now realize my understanding of God's response to my pursuit has been tragically flawed...

Proverbs 8:17 - I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.


Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you

Psalms 34:10 - The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].

Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.

Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.

1 Chronicles 16:11 - Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.

oh, it is biblical to seek God...i am instructed to seek God diligently, earnestly, and continually...but God is not in it for a chase.  i immediately think of the hunger games and in so many ways my perception of faith has been a last man standing mentality. 
our reward is found only if we survive the hunt. 
we will find God, if, by some strength of our own, we manage to maintain some sort of faith throughout all of the trials of life. 
this is so wrong!

he tells us over and over again that we will find him if we seek him!  he will not hide his face from me.  he has not forsaken me. 

what comfort?! 
and when i look back through my life i see evidence of it all.  i see evidence of his hand orchestrating these huge moments in my life and i realize that all the while i feel like i am seeking him it is truly His hand that has been guiding me all the while. 
He hasn't been hiding behind trees or lurking in shadows.  He has lovingly and gently been pulling me forward...
i read the perfect image for this in the book i have been currently reading called Families Where Grace is Place: Building a Home free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame...long title...but i probably wouldn't have read it if it were just for the first part of the title...but the idea of building a home where my children are taught and modeled faith free of manipulation, legalism, and shame really captured the core of my heart. 
relatively early on in the book vanvonderen clarifies the definition of "spirit filled" with the image that has remained present in my thoughts for a few weeks now...
"it is not the wind in the sail that propels the boat--the boat is not pressured forward from behind.  in fact, the wind creates a negative pressure--a vacuum--in front of the sail.  this vacuum is the force that attracts the boat forward. so being filled with the spirit does not mean being power-driven through the christian life, as if the Holy Spirit were a locomotive-wind behind us.  rather, it means being drawn into godly living by the Holy Spirit, who is in front of us, focusing us on God. i guess God knows about physics too" (81). 

this truly transformed how i have viewed God. 
instead of seeking God for the wind that pushes me into the right path, seeking God becomes something so much more graceful and gentle.  it becomes more about the "be still and know..." faith instead of the chaotic rabbit chase of faith that i have been participating in most of my life.  i am not good at being out of control.  i want to lead the ship but there is something so beautiful about surrendering to His pull...

and that is why my heart is singing "draw me close to you...never let me go...i lay it all down again...to hear you say that i'm your friend...YOU'RE ALL I WANT...YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED..."