and the diagnosis goes to....

yesterday we had our final consultation with the doctor concerning calvary's evaluation.  i had been anxiously anticipating the meeting until the morning of the appointment.  at that point i started feeling a sadness in the pit of my stomach.  i had been so ready to finally have this part of our lives behind me that i had not taken the time to really think about what was going to be said and what it meant for our lives but mostly his life. 
i drove to the appointment and my thoughts were just overwhelming.  i laughed at my attempt to turn adele's voice up on the radio to drown out my head...
when she called me back i noticed that she had an air of nervousness about her and thought to myself, "she must have some information beyond my expectations". she told me that she wanted to bottom line his diagnosis with me and then work our way backwards through how she arrived at her assessment. 
i was glad that she wasn't going to put me through the torture of drawn out commerical breaks. 
then she told me:
calvary does indeed have an autism spectrum disorder but he also has a mood disorder.
after her personal experience with him for 8 hours of testing, her interview with myself and kyle, her scoring of the information taken from his teacher, excerpts from this blog, and the video footage i provided of calvary she felt that the emotional instability that calvary carries clouds so much of what can be assessed. 
she recommended medication to help stabilize his mood. 
she was very gentle with her delivery and never minimalized what her recommendation meant for me as his mother.  she also went on to say that she admired kyle and i greatly for our patience.  she said that the videos i provided were intense and that it was important for kyle and i both to take care of ourselves through encouragement and rest. 
it was at this point that i felt the tears. 
i guess deep down i just feel like i am failing him. 
when i left i realized how anti-climatic it all felt.  i wanted something big to happen.  i wanted everything to be all right.  if anything i just felt like more was out of control. 
i started googling mood disorders and quickly stopped.  the term was so vague that i wasn't sure what the doctor meant specifically for calvary.  i have already emailed her for clarification.
but mostly there is just a sadness in me...realizing that there is a sadness and anxiousness in calvary that i cannot fix on my own makes me feel powerless. 
with asperger's alone i felt a little more control--undoubtedly it was a false sense--but when doctor's start suggesting medication for behavior modification it opens up a whole new world of insecurity.  the arguments are intense and numerous.  everyone has an opinion and some sort of experience (either directly or indirectly) which makes council almost impossible to seek. 
the decision is intensely personal and kyle and i are looking at long term and short term effects.  our love for calvary guides our decision and our trust that God's hand is on his life...
as always i am so thankful for the doctor's and resources that are available.  i am also so thankful for the love and support that surrounds calvary.  we have been overwhelmed with how many people have asked questions to show their support for him and just want to learn how best they can love him.
i am amazed by him and his strength.  he is beautiful and i just want to be the best mom to him that he could ever have...