a change in perspective...

as i mentioned in an earlier post, i have been going through some semblance of grieving over the past week or so.  some moments are harder than others but the common link between them all is that i am raw.  the hardest day, by far, was the day that i filled his prescription.  the internal battle i was fighting was impossible to keep to myself and the tears flowed freely.  i haven't felt so emotional since harper's early years.  i feel the same lack of control over the future.  the possibilities are paralyzing and the fact that i cannot simply choose a path knowing that the path i am choosing is the right one is terrifying.
i am doing all i can.  but knowing that it is not enough to protect his future is awful. 
kyle has been lovingly encouraging me that being sad is not doing anything for anyone.  he encourages me not to be locked into my own experiences because 1. we do not know for sure what we are dealing with and 2. my brother's experience is not my son's.  of course being logical in emotion is not always ever possible. 
so i prayed.  i prayed for a change in perspective. 
i dreaded mother's day because i knew i was going to be emotional.  the sadness i had been waking up with was not as evident...maybe because i woke up to finley's sweet smile. 
once we arrived at church i knew i was going to have a harder time because a few sweet people asked about calvary and it was all i could do to answer without tears.  i know that i come across as rude in those moments because i seem evasive...but i have moments when i can talk about things and i have moments when i cannot.  most of the time it has to be on my terms.  on the flip side, i want people to ask about him and all of my children.  it doesn't make sense.  i made it into the service...alone...and found a seat.  harper and calvary were back in the children's worship and kyle was suckered (i mean happy) to serve in the nursery with finley and oliver jack.
i took an few extra tissues in case the mention of mother's day made me a little too weepy. 
the service was sweet and beautiful but the message was just for me. 
the change in perspective that i had been praying for was exactly what i was given.

James 5:7-11 NIV 
⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

the illustration of a farmer was profound for me because, as matt pointed out, the farmer can control everything.  he can control his ownership of the land, he can control which land to sow, he can control how he sows the land, he can control what he sows, he can control when he sows...but he cannot control the rain. 
i cannot expect to control everything and still have patience trusting that God is in control. 
matt then gave an illustration of a man who had a boulder put into his path.  he told us to imagine that boulder as our trial...of course it was easy for me to think of my boulder at this point in my life...the man could not go around, over, or under the boulder.  God told the man to push on the boulder.  so the man pushed.  he pushed and pushed and pushed.  nothing happened.  the boulder didn't move...not even a millimeter.  so the man threw up his arms and said, "i can't move it!"...to which God responded, "i didn't ask you to move it; i told you to push it."  God then showed the man how much stronger he was having pushed against an obstacle he couldn't control.  the purpose was not to change the path but to make the man stronger. 

Romans 5:3-5 NIV
3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

i have a hard time looking at this moment with calvary as "my suffering" because the reality is that my only part in it is how much i wish i can fix it for him.  i don't want him to suffer.  my suffering is born out of fear of him suffering.  yet, i do know that this is a trial.  it is a trial that our entire family will face with him.  and i know that all we are asked to do is persevere.  this trial will not last; yet the character that it creates will.  God's purpose is to refine us for eternity. 
my hope has been renewed because i am choosing to hope.  i am choosing to persevere in my faith and not be crippled by the fear of what may happen but choose to believe that whatever may happen will be purposed. 

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

my prayer is that i remember this...God has a plan for calvary.  plans to prosper him and not to harm him.  plans to give him hope and a future.