worry...

i have never considered myself a worrisome person.  i tend to walk the path in front of me...i always consider how my choices now may affect life later but i rarely stress about it.  even when i found out i was pregnant my senior year i was so overwhelmed with the present that i could not worry about the future.  i had college to survive. i had to survive my crumbling pride.  i had to take care of my growing baby.  i had choices to make that affected the present.  and overall, i knew it was my choices that caused all of this.  it was my consequence...that was the last time that i felt stressed.  i wasn't even worried then.  
but now.  now i am worried. 
i am worried about our future.  i am worried about his future.  i am scared about what i don't know for sure and i am terrified about what i do know. 
i have lived my entire life alongside someone with a mood disorder...the same exact mood disorder that they suspect that my son may have...and i am so scared and so worried.  it wouldn't be as scary if everything was okay now for my brother.  i could look at him and say that it was a tough few years but we came through it...but i can't say that. 
my prayers are that this is not what we are dealing with, but then ironically enough, i worry that my worry is evidence of my lack of faith which invariably accepts the words spoken over his life. 
he is just such a good boy. 
he has come so far and this weekend he played with new friends and old friends without any trouble.  he handled changes in his routine. he played happily with oliver jack in the morning while the rest of us snuck a few extra minutes of sleep.
i'm just so tired.  and as much as i know the worry doesn't help i keep finding myself doing it...
praying that God will calm my anxious heart...
praying that God will cover my son--his body was broken for calvary; his blood will spilled for calvary.
praying that we will find that his intense emotionality is just the intense emotionality common for children with asperger's and not reflective of anything additional.
praying that God will make it obvious what we need to do for our son in order to give him the best life possible.
i wish their were not limitations to that which i can control for them.  i wish i could orchestrate it perfectly for their happiness.  i wish i could make it easy for them...