i think too much...

you are my sunshine...

i'm definitely grieving.  i've been cycling through the stages almost daily. during the day i can just live my life and do what needs to be done, but then i tuck all my babies in their beds and kiss them goodnight and i sit.  or i buckle them in the car seats, shut the door, and sit behind the wheel to drive.  and all i can do is think. 

it seems so dramatic for me even to write but the reality is that i feel so much sadness.  i feel silly for feeling sad because my son is here.  he is not dying.  he is not in a hospital.  so many people have walked roads that i can not even imagine and i feel ungrateful for feeling sad.  but i am. 

i've walked this road before.  i walked beside my brother as my parents did everything they could to figure out what he needed.  i have been beside my mother and father as they have had to watch this disorder unfold in my brother's life.  i don't really have a relationship with my brother because it is just not a possibility.  this is all i know of this road. 

i am afraid to do any research because i have never heard too many positive stories associated with bipolar disorder.  even the happy ending stories have deeply difficult experiences that i just cannot stomach conceptualizing.  i keep holding on to the fact that the doctor's are saying that we just have to look at this as a possibility.  but even the possibility is difficult for me to process. 

my fear is that i am going to mess up.  when we suspected and then had asperger's confirmed i was not afraid of messing up.  i knew that, for the most part, no matter what kyle and i provided calvary would only make his life better.  but with this potential mood disorder i know, i mean i really know, how incredibly important it is to find the right path as early as possible. 

in my head, a path that doesn't work is almost like cutting the wrong wire for disarming a bomb .  i have put so much pressure on myself to find out what i need to do and yet i have no clue what it is that i need to do. 

mostly i am just afraid of losing him.  i love him so much.  i already feel like i have lost my brother and not having a happy ending for that makes me so scared that his path is the only path. 

how silly is it that i am grieving the loss of a son that i haven't even lost? 

he is here.  he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me how much he loves me.  he cries when i leave.  it breaks his heart for me to be upset with him so i have to choose so carefully how i reprimand him for not putting his shoes in his closet or picking up his toys. 

and for some reason all i can do is be afraid that i will lose that...

what an unfair amount of pressure i am putting on myself and him!  kyle just keeps reminding me that we have to pray.  that it isn't in our control at all.  we can only do what we can and that the rest is in God's and calvary's hands.  but i am just not sure how to do that yet.  i know that God is faithful.  he has done tremendous things in my life.  and yet i find myself doubting his ability to handle this. 

please don't take my sunshine away...