disney dilemma

if i am going to be honest i have to admit that i have some reservations about our upcoming trip.  we haven't taken a vacation like this since calvary has been alive.  we have gone to the beach every year and, as i have mentioned before, the water is the best form of therapy for calvary.  we have taken a day trip to carowinds and while he enjoyed himself there were quite a few moments of tension and intensity.  he lost his voice from screaming and he had a difficult time winding down after we got home...he remained "on edge" for several hours afterwards. 
and while all of this makes me a little nervous the biggest concern i have is the battle calvary has been fighting much more obviously to outsiders lately...i say more obvious to outsiders because i am not sure he hasn't always struggled with this but the medication has really helped calvary have more distinguishable emotions.  before the medication all of his emotions were filtered through anger.  if he was excited, he would seem angry.  if he was sad, he would seem angry.  if he was hurt, he would seem angry.  but ever since he has been on his medication i have seen calvary show emotions other than anger.  he cried one night because i was leaving to have coffee with lori.  usually he would just act mad at me and growl and frown. 
anyway, the interesting effect has been that i have now started to realize that calvary really struggles with what he wants to do versus what he can do. 
i don't mean "can" as in his physical ability...i mean "can" as in what he will allow himself to do. 
it is heartbreaking to watch him want so much to do something that he knows is supposed to be fun but his inability to handle change or his almost OCD tendencies keeps him from allowing those things to happen. 
i have seen it much more clearly ever since we have started medicating him and it really helps me understand that this conflict has been the root of so much of his anger in the past.  before we wouldn't be able to deal with the conflict because we were too focused on dealing with the effect of the conflict.  our efforts had to be focused on calming him down. 
as annoying as it is to see your child be angry all of the time it becomes almost more heartbreaking than i can handle to see him cry without anger for basically the first time in his life. 
i have seen harper, oliver jack, and finley all be sad...but calvary has really disguised his sadness with anger for his whole life. 
that being said, he hasn't been overly sad.  he has had moments of appropriate sadness.  we just aren't used to it. 
anyway, back to disney...
i am concerned that calvary is going to have a very difficult time between seeing all of this fun stuff that he wants to do and not being able to let himself do it. 
all of this is bound to work itself up into a meltdown of epic proportions. 
and disney is supposed to be fun...
obviously this has not happened and i know that this is one of those worrisome moments that i just need to give over to the One who can control it instead of fearing my inability to control....but....that is always easier said than done.
i am thankful that we are going...i just want it to be a wonderful trip full of happy memories...without being overshadowed with any negativity. 
they are all SO excited. 

kindergarten

first grade

second grade

look how little...no finley, baby jack, blondie calvary...

beginning and end...

each year i like to try and get a first day of school and last day of school picture taken of the kids in the same outfit the day they wore on the first day.  it makes the differences so much more noticeable to me...and although i messed up on the shirt for calvary (i totally should have looked at the pictures for clarity) it is obvious that so much has changed this year...

Last days...

ballet's end of year...

harper has had a committed love for ballet since she was only 3 years old.  every year i love watching her love for ballet grow.  her biggest inspiration for this year was to improve enough to move up to ballet 1 so that she could audition for a part in the production of the nutcracker. 

with 4 children we have made it quite clear that they can choose one, and only one, extracurricular activity in which to be involved.  harper has seamlessly given up soccer and her fleeting thoughts to pursue gymnastics. 

i wonder if it will change for her...or if she will always be hopelessly in love with ballet. 

she has a natural grace about her that is not born of me.  she has to work harder than some at stretching. i contributed her lack of flexibility; you're welcome birdie...but she works.  she is always stretching and leaping and tonduing and portabraing...

as i drove her to her final class of the year i tried to prepare her for the possibility that she may not be moved up to the next level.  i told her that if, because she was still so young, they wanted to keep her at the same level we could possibly look into a dance school closer to home.  we drive 30 minutes to her current class.  she just looked at me and said, "i really want to dance in the nutcracker".

we had her evaluation at the end of her final class and mrs. wheeless praised her passion and knowledge.  she praised her technique and effort.  she praised her sweet spirit and obedience.  she told her that she needs to work on her focus in class...

all the while harper hung on every word.  with each positive note, her eyes would light up.  with each criticism, her face would grow worried and serious.  but at the end mrs. wheeless confirmed that harper would indeed be moving up to the next level! 

we are so proud of her.

she has been so dedicated and worked so hard and i am just so happy that she is going to see that all of that work pays off...

looking bored :)

i love that they are lined up according to size; my tiny ballerina is always at the end :)

Her role model happens to be crazy...

Finley has recently started copying everything Oliver Jack does. From sword fighting to playing in the baby pool in their pjs, Finley does whatever he does. Oliver Jack has an inability to wear any clothes besides cozy clothes. He always strips down the minute we are inside the house and puts on tank tops and shorts sans underpants. So recently Finley has decided she is also going to refuse to wear clothes. Oliver Jack collaborated on her efforts by providing a tank top and helping to remove her shoes.
I'm not sure the world (or better yet me) can handle 2 Oliver Jacks.

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. harper's handmade gifts and cards.  she made me the sweetest mother's day gifts all on her own.  she also made calvary a paper ninja with movable arms and legs...
2. harper's creativity.
3. finley playing sword fighting with oliver jack.
4. oliver jack pretending to be a zombie.
5. finley pretending to be a zombie. (i have no clue how either of them know about zombies)
6. calvary's love for his teacher...although it makes me sad how hard it is for him to transition out of kindergarten.
7. finley hanging from the bar at the park with those enormous cheeks squished together.
8. oliver jack and finley at the fountain.
9. summer break is almost here!
10. harper helping calvary carry in his flowers for his teachers.
11. calvary's much more frequent use of his words to express his feelings since using medication.
12. my hydrangeas.
13. the blueberry bush that my mom bought for me for mother's day.
14. how simple it is to entertain little children...a fountain and a few pennies causes contagious joy.
15. getting at the park so early that no one else is still there...and the dew is still all over the slides...
16. playing anyway.
17. calvary playing in the sand at the park...building tunnels and roads for his truck.
18. hearing my children tell me that they love me.
19. watching dennis the menace (1959) and laughing at how similar oliver jack is to dennis...
20. ...and mr. levi is to mr. wilson.
21. cleaning out my garage.
22. harper hugging me so tightly before bed.
23. kyle's steadfastness...he keeps me grounded :)

calvary at the park

harper's paper ninja for calvary

happy babies and a fountain

lots of cheeks

Happier...

being content...

Philippians 4: 11-13
11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

i have been working, and i do mean working, diligently at maintaining a thankful heart over the past few days.  it is amazing how much concentrating on how much i have to be thankful for renews my faith and confidence in the only one with the power to change life.

i have read the above passage many, many times and heard it millions more.  but yesterday i read the entire chapter through new eyes.  i love the translation that i read of verse 13 that says, "i am able because of the one who made me able." 

i feel confident in the job that i have...

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Phil 4:6).

that's it and everything and yet still more than i feel i can handle sometimes...but it is written right there for me...and i am able because of the one who made me able...
so yesterday was not a great day for calvary.  he was very emotional.  he was overwhelmed very easily.  the cards are stacked against him right now.  we have a little boy staying with us for a couple of days and the change in routine is probably more than i should have taken on right now...but i am also want to be ready to serve whenever i can and not be so caught up in my own circumstances that i fail to see the needs of others.  the school year is wrapping up and every day he is reminded of how things are about to change.  the countdown is both exciting and sad for him.  and so yesterday was difficult.
but each time i started to get discouraged or scared i just prayed and thanked God for what he is doing in our lives. 
i thank God for monday.  what a beautiful gift it was!
i thank God for eating lunch with calvary on tuesday and how happy and excited he was to see us all. 
i thank God for the report his teacher gave me on tuesday letting me know that he has seemed so happy the past couple of days.
i thank God for the fun we all had  playing in the water.
i thank God for the relative ease calvary transitioned out of setbacks such as dinner not being his favorite. 
i thank God that even though calvary had a difficult time reconciling his desire to have fun and his inability to accept change that he was able to talk to me and use his words.
i thank God that he woke up happy this morning.
afterall, with medicine or without calvary is a boy with special needs.  hard days are hard days. 

these are the moments that i am choosing to focus on when i feel the anxiousness creep back in my head.  i also continue to petition for freedom for calvary.  freedom from the burden of a mood disorder.  i am choosing to be thankful and choosing to continue to petition instead of focusing on the what ifs or watching every little setback as a possible sign because i know that if i do as God asks that he will be faithful to what he has promised...

"And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. " (Phil 4:7)

and the peace of God...
such a  promise to this momma's heart :)

excited..?...?..

calvary has been taking a .25 mg of his medication for 5 days now. 
yesterday it was like i woke up a different child for the day. 
he was sleeping so soundly that he didn't even know that i came in the room.  i picked out his clothes, sat beside him on his bed, and stroked his hair before he even stirred.  unlike our normal morning routine of growling about the change from weekend to school day he just gave me a huge smile.  in the midst of a chaotic weekend i had forgotten to go by the store and get milk so i nervously prepared calvary for not being able to have his only acceptable frosted flakes for breakfast.  usually, even if we are having something else that he likes such as cinnamon rolls or even on the occasion poptarts he resists quite vehemently.  yesterday morning, he said "okay" and happily sat at the table. 
after school he got into the car and proudly announced that he was the only kid to get two hershey kisses for his behavior...
i was starting to question whether calvary was simply having the best day that i could ever remember him having or if the meds were to blame (thank?). 
at this point i put the turn signal to go the opposite way than we usually do which signifies that we aren't going home.  calvary NEVER does well with having any after school activities.  usually i prepare him when he gets in the car because that helps his reaction be a little better; but if i ever forget and i start turning before i tell him...well, let's just say it isn't pretty.  even if it is something exciting like going to the park or to get a treat or to meet friends...he just doesn't want to do anything besides the expected. 
but yesterday not only were we going to the store to get milk (he HATES going to the store) but i also forgot to prepare him...the minute i pushed down the turn signal i started waiting for his reaction...but nothing. 
at this point i told them what we were doing and started watching calvary with a little more critical eye. 
at the store he asked to sit in the buggy...which is usual...but he didn't protest when oliver jack got in with him.  he never got irritated with oliver jack's invasion of his space.
finley wasn't exactly well behaved in the store and has herself a little tantrum over candy at the check out.  her correction was to lose the privilege of sharing the candy with her brothers and sister.  she cried in protest the entire ride home.  instead of screaming and growling because of the noise, calvary simply covered his ears and said, "that shouting sure does hurt my ears".
at this point, i knew. 
once we got home, calvary and harper ran off to play.  when oliver jack wanted to join in the play calvary hesitated but eventually allowed it. 
now, here's the moment that i called the doctor...
calvary still didn't really want oliver jack to play with them so he offered to let oliver jack stay in his room and play with his legos!  unheard of...really. 
calvary still had his own opinions about how things should be played.  he had energy.  but he wasn't on edge.  he had lost that intensity that i had come so familiar with that i haven't even realized how much i have catered to it. 
he has had good days...but most of those days are the result of everything being perfect...his routine, his clothes, his environment, his playmates, and his food...but this day was far from calvary's perfect. 
i called the doctor to ask if it was too soon to see results or if it was just my imagination.  she told me that it was to be expected to start seeing results.  praise the Lord! 
i then asked if we were seeing results if we could stay at the same low dosage instead of moving up to a little higher...and praise the Lord again...she said yes! 
so, yes, the meds seem to be helping my boy enjoy his life...he is smiling, he is happy.  he has laughed with oliver jack the past two mornings at breakfast and i can see oliver jack's skepticism in his eyes as they interact...he is cautiously enjoying calvary's relaxed side. 


my prayer checklist

•  we would see results with the first medicine that we try so that we won't have to go on a pill hunt
• we wouldn't have to drug him out
• that we won't see a cyclical pattern in his behavior that needs additional medications to balance indicating early on-set bipolar disorder

i know that we are early in on this, but i am choosing to believe that all of this is an answer to my very specific prayers.  i know that calvary's body could start to respond differently over the next couple of weeks. but my prayer for this medicine has always been that it will help us to rule out what it is not--i don't expect it to be a long term solution or our crutch--and i am grateful for yesterday.  i am grateful for a day that shows me what life can be for him. 

calvary is still calvary.  he doesn't like changes in his routine.  he doesn't like loud noises.  he doesn't want to share.  he doesn't like transitioning from his "obsessions". 
but yesterday, and so far today, i have seen a child that is capable of handling all of these things with far less intervention from me.  what a gift. 
still praying for my son. 
my prayer is that others will join me...

a change in perspective...

as i mentioned in an earlier post, i have been going through some semblance of grieving over the past week or so.  some moments are harder than others but the common link between them all is that i am raw.  the hardest day, by far, was the day that i filled his prescription.  the internal battle i was fighting was impossible to keep to myself and the tears flowed freely.  i haven't felt so emotional since harper's early years.  i feel the same lack of control over the future.  the possibilities are paralyzing and the fact that i cannot simply choose a path knowing that the path i am choosing is the right one is terrifying.
i am doing all i can.  but knowing that it is not enough to protect his future is awful. 
kyle has been lovingly encouraging me that being sad is not doing anything for anyone.  he encourages me not to be locked into my own experiences because 1. we do not know for sure what we are dealing with and 2. my brother's experience is not my son's.  of course being logical in emotion is not always ever possible. 
so i prayed.  i prayed for a change in perspective. 
i dreaded mother's day because i knew i was going to be emotional.  the sadness i had been waking up with was not as evident...maybe because i woke up to finley's sweet smile. 
once we arrived at church i knew i was going to have a harder time because a few sweet people asked about calvary and it was all i could do to answer without tears.  i know that i come across as rude in those moments because i seem evasive...but i have moments when i can talk about things and i have moments when i cannot.  most of the time it has to be on my terms.  on the flip side, i want people to ask about him and all of my children.  it doesn't make sense.  i made it into the service...alone...and found a seat.  harper and calvary were back in the children's worship and kyle was suckered (i mean happy) to serve in the nursery with finley and oliver jack.
i took an few extra tissues in case the mention of mother's day made me a little too weepy. 
the service was sweet and beautiful but the message was just for me. 
the change in perspective that i had been praying for was exactly what i was given.

James 5:7-11 NIV 
⁷ Be patient, then, brothers and sisters, until the Lord’s coming. See how the farmer waits for the land to yield its valuable crop, patiently waiting for the autumn and spring rains. ⁸ You too, be patient and stand firm, because the Lord’s coming is near. ⁹ Don’t grumble against one another, brothers and sisters, or you will be judged. The Judge is standing at the door!

¹⁰ Brothers and sisters, as an example of patience in the face of suffering, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. ¹¹ As you know, we count as blessed those who have persevered. You have heard of Job’s perseverance and have seen what the Lord finally brought about. The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.

the illustration of a farmer was profound for me because, as matt pointed out, the farmer can control everything.  he can control his ownership of the land, he can control which land to sow, he can control how he sows the land, he can control what he sows, he can control when he sows...but he cannot control the rain. 
i cannot expect to control everything and still have patience trusting that God is in control. 
matt then gave an illustration of a man who had a boulder put into his path.  he told us to imagine that boulder as our trial...of course it was easy for me to think of my boulder at this point in my life...the man could not go around, over, or under the boulder.  God told the man to push on the boulder.  so the man pushed.  he pushed and pushed and pushed.  nothing happened.  the boulder didn't move...not even a millimeter.  so the man threw up his arms and said, "i can't move it!"...to which God responded, "i didn't ask you to move it; i told you to push it."  God then showed the man how much stronger he was having pushed against an obstacle he couldn't control.  the purpose was not to change the path but to make the man stronger. 

Romans 5:3-5 NIV
3Not only so, but we^c also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

i have a hard time looking at this moment with calvary as "my suffering" because the reality is that my only part in it is how much i wish i can fix it for him.  i don't want him to suffer.  my suffering is born out of fear of him suffering.  yet, i do know that this is a trial.  it is a trial that our entire family will face with him.  and i know that all we are asked to do is persevere.  this trial will not last; yet the character that it creates will.  God's purpose is to refine us for eternity. 
my hope has been renewed because i am choosing to hope.  i am choosing to persevere in my faith and not be crippled by the fear of what may happen but choose to believe that whatever may happen will be purposed. 

Jeremiah 29:11
¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

my prayer is that i remember this...God has a plan for calvary.  plans to prosper him and not to harm him.  plans to give him hope and a future. 

Trying to pull myself up...

I am trying to figure out how I can go back to thinking of things through the lens of aspergers alone instead of adding on this new unknown. I fear that I am getting so fixated on figuring out this other side that I am not only forgetting that Calvary has Asperger's but that he is not defined by either. And then I worry that if I am having this difficult of a time separating him from his diagnosis how much more difficult will it be for others.
He is first and foremost a child of God. Secondly, he is my son.
All children channel the stress of their parents and although Calvary is not an empathetic child I know that he feels my burden.
I don't want him to feel that weight. I don't want him to misinterpret that weight for him. He is not the burden. These issues are not the burden; the burden is the stress of making the right choices when the future is unknown.
I am trying to pull myself up and I am praying for a renewed perspective. I know that I need to shift my focus not only off of the unknown but onto God as the author of all time.
I am trying. I really am. But this is proving to be one of the most difficult things I have ever done.

It's all about semantics...

Kyle told me about this conversation that he had with Calvary yesterday:

C: "did you know that stingrays can kill people with their sting?"
K: "yea! A while ago there was this man that would go out in the woods and play with snakes and crocodiles named the Crocodile Hunter. He was killed by a stingray."
C: " well I think it is pretty amazing that he found a stingray in the woods!"

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. i am not 30 yet ( i may feel 400 this week, but at least my physical time has not yet reached 30)
2. how tightly finley wraps her arms around me when she hugs.
3. oliver jack telling me that he missed me whenever i am not around for more than a few minutes.
4. harper making me gifts upon gifts upon gifts.
5. harper telling me that i am the best mommy ever when she knows i have had a tough day.
6. harper telling me, "i am going to go put this down and then i am coming to give you a hug." (are we sure she is only 7? her soul is so old.)
7. calvary's excitement about getting to pet a turtle at the pond.
8. friends that help me take my mind off my current stresses without simply avoiding the conversation...sometimes i need to talk about it.
9. coffee.
10. kyle's desire to make me happy...he's so good to me.
11. making concrete plans for school next year.
12. fresh sheets on all of the beds at the same time.
13. mowing the grass.
14. ayden, adam, and alex's new bunny.
15. visiting my mom in mooresville.
16. summer approaching...only 2 more full weeks of school!
17. calvary's teacher.  i almost cried when i wrote number 16 because of how grateful i am for her and what a blessing she has been...still holding back tears. 
18. God's faithfulness.
19. finley curling up in my lap.
20. my children.

i think too much...

you are my sunshine...

i'm definitely grieving.  i've been cycling through the stages almost daily. during the day i can just live my life and do what needs to be done, but then i tuck all my babies in their beds and kiss them goodnight and i sit.  or i buckle them in the car seats, shut the door, and sit behind the wheel to drive.  and all i can do is think. 

it seems so dramatic for me even to write but the reality is that i feel so much sadness.  i feel silly for feeling sad because my son is here.  he is not dying.  he is not in a hospital.  so many people have walked roads that i can not even imagine and i feel ungrateful for feeling sad.  but i am. 

i've walked this road before.  i walked beside my brother as my parents did everything they could to figure out what he needed.  i have been beside my mother and father as they have had to watch this disorder unfold in my brother's life.  i don't really have a relationship with my brother because it is just not a possibility.  this is all i know of this road. 

i am afraid to do any research because i have never heard too many positive stories associated with bipolar disorder.  even the happy ending stories have deeply difficult experiences that i just cannot stomach conceptualizing.  i keep holding on to the fact that the doctor's are saying that we just have to look at this as a possibility.  but even the possibility is difficult for me to process. 

my fear is that i am going to mess up.  when we suspected and then had asperger's confirmed i was not afraid of messing up.  i knew that, for the most part, no matter what kyle and i provided calvary would only make his life better.  but with this potential mood disorder i know, i mean i really know, how incredibly important it is to find the right path as early as possible. 

in my head, a path that doesn't work is almost like cutting the wrong wire for disarming a bomb .  i have put so much pressure on myself to find out what i need to do and yet i have no clue what it is that i need to do. 

mostly i am just afraid of losing him.  i love him so much.  i already feel like i have lost my brother and not having a happy ending for that makes me so scared that his path is the only path. 

how silly is it that i am grieving the loss of a son that i haven't even lost? 

he is here.  he wraps his arms around my neck and tells me how much he loves me.  he cries when i leave.  it breaks his heart for me to be upset with him so i have to choose so carefully how i reprimand him for not putting his shoes in his closet or picking up his toys. 

and for some reason all i can do is be afraid that i will lose that...

what an unfair amount of pressure i am putting on myself and him!  kyle just keeps reminding me that we have to pray.  that it isn't in our control at all.  we can only do what we can and that the rest is in God's and calvary's hands.  but i am just not sure how to do that yet.  i know that God is faithful.  he has done tremendous things in my life.  and yet i find myself doubting his ability to handle this. 

please don't take my sunshine away...

These are a few of his favorite things...

worry...

i have never considered myself a worrisome person.  i tend to walk the path in front of me...i always consider how my choices now may affect life later but i rarely stress about it.  even when i found out i was pregnant my senior year i was so overwhelmed with the present that i could not worry about the future.  i had college to survive. i had to survive my crumbling pride.  i had to take care of my growing baby.  i had choices to make that affected the present.  and overall, i knew it was my choices that caused all of this.  it was my consequence...that was the last time that i felt stressed.  i wasn't even worried then.  
but now.  now i am worried. 
i am worried about our future.  i am worried about his future.  i am scared about what i don't know for sure and i am terrified about what i do know. 
i have lived my entire life alongside someone with a mood disorder...the same exact mood disorder that they suspect that my son may have...and i am so scared and so worried.  it wouldn't be as scary if everything was okay now for my brother.  i could look at him and say that it was a tough few years but we came through it...but i can't say that. 
my prayers are that this is not what we are dealing with, but then ironically enough, i worry that my worry is evidence of my lack of faith which invariably accepts the words spoken over his life. 
he is just such a good boy. 
he has come so far and this weekend he played with new friends and old friends without any trouble.  he handled changes in his routine. he played happily with oliver jack in the morning while the rest of us snuck a few extra minutes of sleep.
i'm just so tired.  and as much as i know the worry doesn't help i keep finding myself doing it...
praying that God will calm my anxious heart...
praying that God will cover my son--his body was broken for calvary; his blood will spilled for calvary.
praying that we will find that his intense emotionality is just the intense emotionality common for children with asperger's and not reflective of anything additional.
praying that God will make it obvious what we need to do for our son in order to give him the best life possible.
i wish their were not limitations to that which i can control for them.  i wish i could orchestrate it perfectly for their happiness.  i wish i could make it easy for them...

friday's musings...

things i am loving about this week:

1. how finley lays on my hand while i type.
2. finley saying "thank you" for everything...even if it is just when i give her a kiss.
3. harper telling the story of how she fell down in the school cafeteria in front of all the third graders...there was a hint of embarrassment but that girl has confidence made of stone...and i love it.
4. harper telling me that her fall was completely forgotten the next day because someone put a bib i had left in the cafeteria in her cubby so all of her classmates kept asking her, "why do you have a bib in your cubby". then she added in her most sarcastic tone, "so, thanks mom."
5. glimpses of oliver jack gaining some sense. they have been few and short lived but we have seen moments that he is learning that "listening to his head" is not the way to go.
6. oliver jack's quick wit.
7. calvary's appropriate response to our discussion of some negative behavior. he listened, he admitted fault, and he apologized...maybe not ground breaking for most, but for me it is.
8. seeing how much happier calvary has been since we have started to understand him more. 
9. finley's enormous cheeks...especially considering her impossibly small stature.
10. having the opportunity to help my mom out some...even if it was just visiting.
11. kyle's dad accepting the challenge of watching finley and oliver jack so that i could go to an appointment...it's not the first time he's done this but i am loving that he's not intimidated by the idea of watching his grandkids on his own.
12. i am not 30 yet.
13. i finally weigh less than my friend christy...even though she is 8 weeks out from delivering her 4th child i will count this as a victory.
14. finley's laugh.
15. how finley calls for harper when i don't do something she wants me to do; she knows who is the weak link.
16. how smitten calvary is with finley...she still can do no wrong for him.
17. school is almost out!
18. saving money.
19. the love of a Popsicle.
20. eating dinner with my family.

on a side note, something i am not loving about this week:

1. the realization of just how much finley has grown up....she's not a baby anymore...she's a little girl.  blah.

Two worlds collide...

This morning Harper & Calvary tried to explain the difference between lions and tigers to Oliver Jack over breakfast. Harper, who is the most abstract and analytical thinker out of my children, is the complete opposite of Calvary. Calvary is very literal and methodical in his thinking so the pairing made the explanation very entertaining.
Harper tried to explain the difference using book characters and cartoon references.
Calvary tried to explain the difference using the description of their fur.
Finally, Harper grabbed the book on the table and told Oliver Jack that "here! This is a lion!".
To which Calvary responded, "well , not really. That is just an illustration.".

He always redeems himself...

Oliver Jack: "I will miss you while I sleep... Momma, you can miss people when you are at home too"

and the diagnosis goes to....

yesterday we had our final consultation with the doctor concerning calvary's evaluation.  i had been anxiously anticipating the meeting until the morning of the appointment.  at that point i started feeling a sadness in the pit of my stomach.  i had been so ready to finally have this part of our lives behind me that i had not taken the time to really think about what was going to be said and what it meant for our lives but mostly his life. 
i drove to the appointment and my thoughts were just overwhelming.  i laughed at my attempt to turn adele's voice up on the radio to drown out my head...
when she called me back i noticed that she had an air of nervousness about her and thought to myself, "she must have some information beyond my expectations". she told me that she wanted to bottom line his diagnosis with me and then work our way backwards through how she arrived at her assessment. 
i was glad that she wasn't going to put me through the torture of drawn out commerical breaks. 
then she told me:
calvary does indeed have an autism spectrum disorder but he also has a mood disorder.
after her personal experience with him for 8 hours of testing, her interview with myself and kyle, her scoring of the information taken from his teacher, excerpts from this blog, and the video footage i provided of calvary she felt that the emotional instability that calvary carries clouds so much of what can be assessed. 
she recommended medication to help stabilize his mood. 
she was very gentle with her delivery and never minimalized what her recommendation meant for me as his mother.  she also went on to say that she admired kyle and i greatly for our patience.  she said that the videos i provided were intense and that it was important for kyle and i both to take care of ourselves through encouragement and rest. 
it was at this point that i felt the tears. 
i guess deep down i just feel like i am failing him. 
when i left i realized how anti-climatic it all felt.  i wanted something big to happen.  i wanted everything to be all right.  if anything i just felt like more was out of control. 
i started googling mood disorders and quickly stopped.  the term was so vague that i wasn't sure what the doctor meant specifically for calvary.  i have already emailed her for clarification.
but mostly there is just a sadness in me...realizing that there is a sadness and anxiousness in calvary that i cannot fix on my own makes me feel powerless. 
with asperger's alone i felt a little more control--undoubtedly it was a false sense--but when doctor's start suggesting medication for behavior modification it opens up a whole new world of insecurity.  the arguments are intense and numerous.  everyone has an opinion and some sort of experience (either directly or indirectly) which makes council almost impossible to seek. 
the decision is intensely personal and kyle and i are looking at long term and short term effects.  our love for calvary guides our decision and our trust that God's hand is on his life...
as always i am so thankful for the doctor's and resources that are available.  i am also so thankful for the love and support that surrounds calvary.  we have been overwhelmed with how many people have asked questions to show their support for him and just want to learn how best they can love him.
i am amazed by him and his strength.  he is beautiful and i just want to be the best mom to him that he could ever have...