"nothing puzzles God"

i can definitely say without question that this christmas season has been unlike any other i have ever experienced. i believe God has shown me clearer than ever what christmas truly is. katie whitlow passed away early thursday morning (21st). as i prepared myself to talk to my little girl about death i grappled with the reality of death and certainity that it does not discriminate. i told harper that katie, who was 26 at the time of her death, was very sick and in pain and that Jesus said that he would take away her pain but she would have to come home with Him. she is no longer in pain. but merriwether will not be spending christmas with her mother anymore. for any of you that had the distinct joy of knowing katie then you will know that her passing was especially devastating. her life and, subsequently, her death were the ultimate testimony of faith. even in the midst of horrible pain she was continually stating that God loves her. she died as her husband and her mother watched. she left behind her mother, father, brothers and sister, aunts and uncles, grandmothers and grandfathers, a husband, and a daughter. she took with her one precious baby boy, Bascom Ancil Whitlow. i believe that her death came at a time to remind us exactly what christmas is. Jesus came to us as a baby, but more importantly he came to us to die. just as i have loved my children and each year the love i have only grows, jesus was loved by his earthly mother. mary had to stand by and watch her son be crucified. his family watched as he suffered excruciating pain. his death was monumentally devastating to his Heavenly father as well. i believe that it is so easy to forget that God sent Jesus to die. God, his father, sent his own son to die. As a mother I cannot fathom making that sacrifice. this christmas i have been reminded of the humanity of jesus and the omnipotence of God. i am reminded that our children are our most precious gifts. i pray for one ounce of the steadfastness and the ability to love that i have known...

i am thankful for...

a husband that adores me for, not inspite of, all of my flaws
a daughter that has the capacity to love so many with seemingly endless measure
a son whose joy is wonderfully contagious
a father who hugs me and reminds me that i am still a little girl
a mother who hugs me and reminds me that i am a woman
a brother that inspires me to live up to his respect
a brother that teaches me that life is full of cycles
a sister that has wisdom beyond her years
neices that teach me that the world is broader than my scope
a mother and father-in-law that teach me love is not conditional
a job that forces me to realize that influence is a daily responsibility
friends that love me inspite of my selfishness
friends that force me to move out of selfishness
relationships that constantly remind me of the goodness and redeeming powers of Jesus Christ
a woman who has taught me what true faith looks like
a God who has the power and the heart to orchestrate our lives to be rich and fulfilling beyond all reason...


happy thanksgiving...

impossible love

according to tlc, all parents should really be worried about is birthing the baby and bringing the baby home. why don't they have a show called "toddler story" or "being home with a toddler"? with each stage i am painfully aware of how easy i had it the stage before. harper has started manipulating people with her love saying things like, "but i love you," in order to stay awake just a few moments longer. this summer has had some very trying moments. i have watched my daughter scream and cry because she wanted to go home with nana, i watched as she screams and cries and informs me that she is ready for her own life, and i have watched as she slams doors and pouts because she is not allowed to watch any more cartoons. i sometimes wish i was nana. why is it that i have all of this love for her but this is how i get treated? i know that right now she associates love with fun, but it truly does not make it easier. loving a child is agony. agonizing because all i want to do is everything i can to make her smile and laugh and a lot of times i have to be the one causing the frustration and anger. i see now why so many parents took the friend route that so many people criticized while i was in college. it is hard seeing my child be angry with me.
all is made well the minute she flings those little girl arms around my neck and genuinely, and sweetly, says, "mommy i love you." all manipulation and all bribery aside, and what i have left is the joy of my heart requiting the love that i have for her. i realize that she loves me in spite of the discipline i deliver. and i hope that one day she will understand how wrenching it is for me to love her and discipline her at the same time.
it is strange how the most impossible, agonizing love i have every known is the only love that i could not imagine my life without. the love i have for my children is realization of what love is. i understand now what my parents were saying. i understand now what the scripture means when it says, "God disciplines those whom he loves." i now know why Christ endured the cross...love is sacrifice and love is painful, but love is what seperates us from every other creation.
tlc truly needs to inform some people...it is certainly not always tea parties and pillow fights!

summer vacation

We just returned from vacation last night and we had a fantastic time. we actually traveled all the way to Avon, NC which is located in the Outer Banks. i have vacationed here since i was quite young so it is neat to return to the same place with my children. the trip down was incredibly long...made longer by the screams of calvary from the backseat. harper did a great job. she is generally a very good traveller. calvary is not sure of being buckled down for such long intervals. our stops basically clocked in at around once every hour...i told you it was long. once we got to the beach, we went down the ocean and started to fly harper's kite. i had the same virus on saturday that harper had on the monday before so i just wanted to find a place to lay down. for the most part, we spent our days swimming and playing in the sand. neither one of my children were interested in the ocean. harper stayed about 20 yards away from it at all times---calvary was a little less apprehensive and would let me put my feet in the ocean whilst holding him (very brave :) ). the pool was more of a success. harper had fun jumping into the pool secure in calvary's float--the float that we bought for calvary but he refuses to get in. calvary preferred to stand insanely close to the edge of the pool without any assistance and without actually getting in to the pool. it was while supervising calvary's poolside manner that we had our great misadventure with harper. i'm still not quite sure what happened, but kyle and i were in the pool and watching calvary to make sure he did not fall in to the water. harper was reaching for a pool toy that was in the pool beside her (she was in the pool too). i suppose she reached too far and fell out and i turned and looked and she was under the water---only her legs from the knee up were over the water. the strange thing was that she was not kicking or fighting--i guess that is the good thing from all of it. i reached over and grabbed her up and she hadn't even choked on the water--thankfully. i am surprised as well because it didn't happen quickly. i think i was more nervous than she was to return to the water. she was ready to get back in and jump "flips". all in all we had a great trip. i am glad to be home i believe the kids are as well. it is great to go on a trip but it is even better to return home and realize how thankful you are for all that you have and the simple comfort of your simple life...

the yin & yang of motherhood

school is almost out and each day brings me closer and closer to that dream of being home with my children. so many people talk about how they want to be home with their kids and they wish that they could be a stay at home mom but i wonder how many people will actually admit to wanting to be at work instead of at home with their kids. part of me is ecstatic about being at home--the part that gets to play, read, swim, and enjoy the diaper commercial mother/child relationship; the other part of me is insanely worried how this is going to work--the part that deals with tantrums, naps, sibling rivalries, and the supernanny come help me aspects of motherhood. the balance of the two aspects is going to be key for my summer enjoyment. my aunt just bought me a book for mother's day that brought to my mind how much i do not want to rush these days away. it is called Let Me Hold You Longer by Karen Kingsbury. harper has already outgrown so much, and part of the reason i wanted to teach was so that i could spend these days at home with them...sometimes as a mom i have a picnic mentality---i dream of all these great things to do with my kids, such as a picnic; i dream of how great it is going to be how much fun we will have and how our love will blossom like the flowers we sit amongst---but then reality hits and i am left with a dirty blanket and a crying 2 year-old. it isn't their fault that my expectations are so ideal. i'm just trying to figure out how to create a new ideal--one that accounts for tantrums, irritability, and the need for lots of Tide. the truth is that my children are growing up; calvary has overcome his fear of forward momentum and has begun to walk into the great unknown, harper is beginning to recognize letters and try her hand at them---so much has already happened in their life and i want to relish every minute and i want for the parts that they remember to be parts that include me with a good attitude and an expression of joy, letting them know how much their lives have enriched mine. they are the reason that i listen to sunday school jamz and sing along with them. they are the reason that i read Dora Goes to the Beach 500 times in a row. they are the reason that i buy frozen chicken nuggets. they are the reason that i only go into the kid's section of my favorite stores. they are the reason that i leave work so quickly. they are the reason that i cannot sleep past 8. they are my life, and i want to enjoy my life!

yearbooks

today at school the kids received their yearbooks. by kids i mean the students at gaston christian school. it was strange to flip through the back pages of parent dedications and suddenly feel what it must feel like to write those pages. just like the time i put myself in the shoes of the mother of the bride for the first time, this was the first time i looked at a yearbook like a mother instead of like a student. i thought about kyle and how much i love him, and how thankful i am that he makes me laugh; it won't be long until we are all each other has! i read some of the pages and wondered how it could be that some of these parents seemed to barely know their child or maybe seemed to write what they wished their child would have been. other parents speak the very heart of the child i see as their teacher. i pray, that in high school, i know my childrens' hearts. it was also sweet because so many of the kids asked me to sign their yearbooks. they made a pile on my desk and i felt so flattered to be given the honor of signing their books. many of the students were kids that i would have never thought to care about a word i might have to say; it just reminded me that everyone likes to hear an encouraging word from those that have authority over them. it isn't long until my first year of teaching is over and these students have really impacted my life. i love this job and how it is teaching me to love and appreciate my family.

this is how i'll remember you

when everyday feels more erratic,
and the tantrums remind me that you're two,
each sleeping night, as sweet silence returns,
i peek through the night to gaze in at you.
and this is how i'll remember you.

when earthworms and green army men
quickly become your very best friends,
and five years of tide and blue jean patches
develop a relationship with me that sees no end,
this is how i'll remember you.

when pretty girls with silky hair and shirts
appeal to your eyes and capture your heart
i will be there to straighten your black tie
and pray for your return before you even start.
still, this is how i'll remember you.

and one day you will have beautiful children
and you will be a man of the highest esteem
and integrity will be linked with your name
my heart will bust with pride at every seam.
but this is how i'll remember you.

Cassie Murray 2007

calvary made it!

today is quite the milestone at the murray household; our little man is officially one today! it is hard to believe that a year ago i was at the hospital in the worst pain of my life. this year has been a tough one. between surgery, allergies, and oregon trail illnessess we almost didn't think this day would come. oh how grateful i am that we are able to celebrate!! he is quite possibly the sweetest and most cuddly child ever. he's not quite walking. in fact, the other day he took two steps and each step evoked the most pitiful cry i have ever heard. he's scared of walking. he will climb to the top of a coffee table in no time, but taking one teeny tiny step forward is terrifying. maybe the ground is made of lava. he is sweet. he loves harper. she makes him laugh like no one else can. one of his favorite places to be is in her room. he also loves animals. he thinks everything is a dog. he also loves to eat. last night he had two slices of pizza! i am grateful that he is here. i love him with all of my heart. i don't quite understand how that can be because i love harper with all of my heart as well but it is a strange truth...one person can love two different people with their entire being and it is peculiar for each one. i don't love harper like i love calvary; i don't love calvary like i love harper---but i love each one entirely & completely.

little clothes

well this past week has been a week of adjusting the closests from fall and winter to spring and summer. i went through all of the kids clothes determining what was too small and what could possibly be worn next year and then going through the clothes from last spring and summer and determining what clothes were too small and which clothes would make the cut. after i finished, i went back through all of the clothes that were too small and organized them into piles of keepers and sellers. i was much more emotional about this then i have ever been before. as i folded all of the little clothes it hit me for the first time that i do not have little babies anymore. harper is nearly three years old! calvary is going to be 1 on saturday! i just cannot believe it. i found myself saying, "i'll keep this for our next baby." i must be delusional. next baby is something i swore would never happen and here i am planning for it. wow. this must be that baby bug that people talk about. i don't even want any more babies, i just don't want mine to get any bigger. harper assured me today that even when she is a grown up she will still cuddle with me--we'll see about that. i suppose the best thing that has come out of the changing of the closets is that i realize a little more fully how precious this time is to me. i spent a little more time holding calvary as he fell asleep. i spent a little more time painting harper's little fingernails and held her a little longer while we read a story. this is probably my favorite time in my entire life and i am afraid that nothing else will be able to compare to this and they are quickly growing and i am quickly losing this time! yep, i love them. every single one.

Legitimate fear...

Someone please help me. I've used google, i've used parenting.com, i've even used WebMD. none of which have helped me in my quest of determining my child's normalcy. Surely, i think to myself, that several infant/toddlers have irrational fears of completely harmless items. surely, this is not only my child. i've searched high and low and the only conclusion i have come to is that yes, it is only my child that has irrational fears of completely harmless items. Calvary, 11 months old, is afraid of pinecones. don't stop there; his fear is not only limited to pinecones but extends into a deep suspicion of all things natural. Grass is to be avoided in anyway possible. Flowers...don't even think about. But t doesn't even stop there. the other day Harper was playing with her blocks and she dumped them all out--at that moment you would have thought that an air raid was striking in the murray family play room. ear piercing shrieks forced me to my knees where i found little calvary cowering in fear. i picked him up and his nails dug into my skin hoping that i would not return him to harms way. even tonight at dinner i was feeding him some ground turkey. for a while it was fine...as long as i was putting it directly into his mouth. but when i placed it on his table for him to grab for himself he shuddered and recoiled as far into his seat as he could possibly get. it is weird. so i spent the better part of the night searching popular sites for any glimmer of this being a normal problem. i have found nothing. i have found fear of baths, fear of animals, and fear of thunderstorms. all of which sound perfectly rational. i'm not quite sure what to do. a life of reconnaissance-like examinations of all carbon based materials does not sound thrilling. surely i am not alone.

this must be what it means to admire someone...

so it has been a strange week/weekend. stressful would be a better word. we have had to deal with dumb issues because we decided to procrastinate our responsibilities. the funny thing about procrastination is that when i am justifying my delay everything seems to make perfect sense...but once everything actually pans out i sit in amazement at how idiotic my rational was. so anyway, a one time 30.00 inspection turned in to well over 500.00 escapade that is no where near completion. my court date is tomorrow and i will be standing there with a handful of "attempts." all of this piled on top of the illnesses that keep plaguing the bodies of my small children made the comfort food of Bojangles and idleness seem like the only resort. when i finally went back to work on Thursday, i learned that a friend of mine lost her daughter. it doesn't matter how inevitable that death may have been, the news still strikes like it was never expected. kyle was asked to sing "i can only imagine" at the funeral and he wasn't sure if he was capable of doing it. i begged him to sing because i wanted to do something for my friend and Lord knows that i can't sing, especially at such an event. anyway, when we arrived at the funeral i went to my friend. she was exactly how she always is. she made a few jokes and kyle and i went to our seats. as the funeral progressed and i heard the stories of the family's trials i sat in amazement. i watched as every person in the room wept, not with surprise that the little girl had passed away, but because of how much they loved the family. i spoke with her again after the funeral and i though to myself about the strength, the unforced grace, and indescribable joy that this woman has. i told kyle that i was not sure if i could be like her if i ever had to go through such a situation . i told him that i wondered if everyone in the sanctuary felt the same way towards this woman, the same closeness or love. i always have called this woman, who is very close to twice my age, my friend. but i think it is something more than that. when i see her in the face of adversity it is consistent with the character of everyday ease. that amazes me. i've seen her cry. i've seen her laugh. i've seen her angry. but i've never seen her without joy. i told kyle that i was not sure if i could be like her. but i want to be. this must be what it means to admire someone...

what is in a name?

i just went on a website called "Behind the Name" and i was looking up the names of my children, as if the meanings ever change. when i looked up harper's name i went to the comments tab. i was enraged by the comments left about how there are much more beautiful names out there and several wondered why anyone would name their daughter such a masculine name. when i named my daughter Harper I quite honestly expected a few raised eyebrows. Little did I know that the name had actually made it to the top 1000 names! My daughter is almost 3 and living up to the fiercely independent conotation that the name holds. I named my daughter after Harper Lee not because I absolutely love her novel but because she has written one of the greatest American novels of all time and she has done so without sacrificing her integrity or sucumbing to the pressure of fame. I have no idea what my daughter will become in life, but I believe that it is so shallow to look at a name and judge it based solely on whether it is believed to be masculine or feminine. Sure, there are obviously more girly names out but I believe that there are few that compare with the beauty of the feminine legacy that this name carries. Are we teaching our girls that what makes us beautiful is the way we appear or what we contain within our souls? i must say that having and naming children has made me strive to never judge the name a parent gives their child. surely there is purpose in the choosing. these names are beautiful if not for the simple fact that they are representation of God's entrusting grace...

on the oregon trail...

so in the past two weeks we have had croup, whopping cough, ear infection, sinus infection, pink eye, roseola, and hives. oh, and by "we" i mean harper and calvary. thankfully, the weirdness has been evenly dispersed between the two children. calvary started us off with the loss of a voice which apparently meant the group/whopping cough. we treated that with a heavy dosing of the always favorable predisone. between us--i think i preferred the calvary with no voice to the calvary hopped up on predisone. about 3 days after that calvary moved on with an ear infection and a sinus infection. our only sign with this development was the devil he had become. i sent him to the doctor praying that there was indeed something wrong because if there was not i wasn't sure if i could handle the person he was becoming. just as we finally had him all squared away, harper's school called and said "not to worry, harper just has a red itchy rash all over." not to worry-ha. so i left school and rushed to her school. when i got her to the doctor she determined that it was pink eye (what?) and roseola. the roseola i could see, the pink eye left me skeptical. sure her eye as a little swollen, but pink? oh well. she's the doctor. she told me that roseola was not an itchy rash but my daughter's immune system responds to viral attacks by sending out the hives...thus adding to the redness of the roseola with her own defense system of red puffy hives. this isn't the first time that harper has been sick and developed hives as a result. sigh. i feel like i need a covered wagon and some rations of the spring's crops. modern medicine and its vaccines have failed the murray family...its on to the local medicine man for our 14th century illnesses.

Harper the Artist

Harper was exactly 1 week old when I took a picture of her holding her very first paint brush. Kyle took it to work and labeled the picture "the Tiniest Artist." It was such a sweet little thought when she laid there, sleeping, not moving, not disturbing the natural order of things---she was an artist in theory, and that was perfect. Sure, there was paint on the brush. Sure, she was capable of moving. The beautiful thing was that she did not. We captured this image and we fancied the little girl an artist. That was until she actually became an artist. Harper is a very independent child; not rebellious, or a trouble maker...just independent. Maybe we have taken that for granted because we allow her to have her freedom without watching like army generals over their soldiers. Today I learned that people change...even children...The child that we could once allow to play quietly in the play room without suspecting foul play now must be doubted. The child that we once gave an loaded paint brush to with reckless disregard must be patted down at every door way. The once lovely theory of Harper the Artist has now become the nightmare reality of Harper the Vandal. Our livingroom wall became the target of the child prodigy. At least I can say that she choose blue in order to match the blue walls. She has always had an eye for "matching." I should have suspected something when she came to me while I was cooking dinner asking for a "napkin with a little bit of water on it." I did suspect a little something marginal, but never would I suspect the mural I encountered. I didn't even really know how to respond. I shook my head and slowly gathered all of her ammunition and sent her quietly to Time Out. I mean, what am I supposed to do when I'm the one who gave her her first paint brush and proudly labeled her an artist?

The Day I Became a Grownup...

So this is the first post of the new blog. Today Calvary is a little over 10 months old, Harper is 2.5 years old, Kyle is 27, and I am 24. It is unbelievable how fast everyone changes, except for Calvary. I think he may remain a baby forever. I will be okay with that. Harper is so impossible that is hurts. She wants to do everything for herself and she never admits weakness. I try, (okay I admit it), to get her to pick a favorite and she never does. Maybe we think that we are born inherently evil but maybe the reality is that we are born beautifully pure and then our parents sink their sneaky, manipulative paws into our flawless souls and turn us into sinning machines. Probably not. Kyle faithfully takes Harper to "JoBells" (BoJangles to me and you but to Harper it is JoBells) and supplies her with grits and cinnamon biscuits--but still she cannot be won with bribery. Calvary--give him a hug and a plate of Niyoshi carrots and he'll be your friend for life. I'm not sure what this means for their teenage years. I hope it means nothing. I am around teenagers all day and I can honestly say that I am not looking forward to having teenagers in my house. I cannot help but to look at each student and weigh the options of my child being like them. Sometimes I revel in the possibility, other times I cringe. The reality is that I have never felt so out of control in all my life. Especially since I cannot find the currency that Harper operates under. My life has officially come full circle. I went from being the student that talked incessantly, to being the teacher that tries to gain control of a classroom of students that talk incessantly. I went from being the teenage daughter that my mother desperately wanted to connect to, to being the mother that fears the isolation that her fiercely independent daughter will inevitably place on her. It is weird how one day the way I look at the world suddenly changed. I thought it would be more subtle than this...I thought growing up was a process: a succession of years labeled " a coming of age tale." but instead, it is more like a day on a calendar, labeled "First Day at a Real Job," or "Marriage," or the real kicker, "Birthday of the First Child." Those days could easily be renamed "The Day I Became a Grownup."