impossible love

according to tlc, all parents should really be worried about is birthing the baby and bringing the baby home. why don't they have a show called "toddler story" or "being home with a toddler"? with each stage i am painfully aware of how easy i had it the stage before. harper has started manipulating people with her love saying things like, "but i love you," in order to stay awake just a few moments longer. this summer has had some very trying moments. i have watched my daughter scream and cry because she wanted to go home with nana, i watched as she screams and cries and informs me that she is ready for her own life, and i have watched as she slams doors and pouts because she is not allowed to watch any more cartoons. i sometimes wish i was nana. why is it that i have all of this love for her but this is how i get treated? i know that right now she associates love with fun, but it truly does not make it easier. loving a child is agony. agonizing because all i want to do is everything i can to make her smile and laugh and a lot of times i have to be the one causing the frustration and anger. i see now why so many parents took the friend route that so many people criticized while i was in college. it is hard seeing my child be angry with me.
all is made well the minute she flings those little girl arms around my neck and genuinely, and sweetly, says, "mommy i love you." all manipulation and all bribery aside, and what i have left is the joy of my heart requiting the love that i have for her. i realize that she loves me in spite of the discipline i deliver. and i hope that one day she will understand how wrenching it is for me to love her and discipline her at the same time.
it is strange how the most impossible, agonizing love i have every known is the only love that i could not imagine my life without. the love i have for my children is realization of what love is. i understand now what my parents were saying. i understand now what the scripture means when it says, "God disciplines those whom he loves." i now know why Christ endured the cross...love is sacrifice and love is painful, but love is what seperates us from every other creation.
tlc truly needs to inform some people...it is certainly not always tea parties and pillow fights!