a setback...

calvary is still at the .5 mg dosage of his medication and we have been grateful for the results that we have seen while taking it.  he has been so much less irritable and so much slower to anger than before.  christy pretty much nailed down the effect by saying that he used to go from 0-10 with very little provocation but now it is more like 0-5.  he is still quicker to react than all of my other children and he is still easily frustrated...but we lose him to meltdowns so much less frequently.  we used to have meltdowns at least daily...now, we have one every week at most. 
i struggle with what i am about to write next because i don't want to feel at all as if my faith is faltering.  i don't want to question or wonder what could be because i want my faith to be strong even when the circumstances are less than perfect.  i am still disappointed in myself for how grieved i was by the initial suggestion of calvary's diagnosis.  my faith proved weak.  and i want to stay strong and not give way to my anxieties.
but.
but one day i know i will want to remember how we have maneuvered through this situation. 
the truth is that we have seen changes in calvary that are troublesome.  the changes really started in disney world and kyle and i just chalked it up to the over-stimulation and lack of routine.  however, since we have been home the anxiety has only continued...and in some ways increased.  we still are not quite in a "normal" routine because the kids have been going to VBS all week.  we haven't been home before 9:45 so they have not been in bed before 10.  the days have been jam packed with swimming, friends, and parks. 
i was impressed with his willingness to go to VBS.  there was only one night that he refused to go and that was the night that i had decided to cut his hair earlier in the day.  most people may not see the correlation but anyone that has tried to cut his hair would understand how that pretty much takes all of him for the day. 
his parking lot anxiety has increased to the point that he held my hand and begged me to, "just get this over with".  one night he was crying laying in bed saying, "i just don't want finley to get hit by a car".  i assured him that he didn't have to worry about that. 
last year at the pool he was jumping off the diving board and swimming in the deep end.  this year he refuses to leave the shallow end and most of the time he refuses to leave my side. 
but most of his worry comes out at night.  he doesn't want to be alone.  he doesn't want the lights off.  he wants to go to sleep but he is so nervous about everything that he just asks me to sleep in the bed with him.  this is huge because calvary has NEVER wanted to share his bed with me or anyone else. 
i told him that we would pray.  i pray that he will sleep peacefully and that he will rest all wrapped snug in God's love.  i pray for his mind to be at ease.  after i pray he usually keeps his eyes closed and drifts off to sleep.  the other night he came to where kyle and i were sitting on the couch.  he was worrying about things and i told him that we just needed to pray.  so we held hands and prayed...afterwards he still didn't want to go to sleep because he was still scared.  i told him that we have asked God to take care of him and to help him sleep peacefully so now he needed to show that he believed that God was going to do what we asked by going and trying to sleep.  i was so happy to see him stand up and walk to his bed.  he believes that God is faithful.  he believes that God will take care of him.  in so many ways right now he is like me.  he needs to be reminded that what is out of our control is out of our control and we can rest in knowing that God has a plan for us.  just like me.  but anyway, he went to sleep. 
each morning i ask him if he slept peacefully and i remind him that God was faithful...
i know i can't take aways his worry but i want to point him in the direction of the One who can.  i believe that if i teach him to turn to God now that it will be easier for him to turn to God later. 
after the other night kyle started doing some more research and we learned that anxiety is one of the top three side effects of the medicine calvary is on.  most of the information provided said that the symptoms resolved after the dosage was adjusted or eliminated in just 3 days. 
i was relieved to see that this anxiety could be a side effect of the drug and not a symptom that pointed towards bipolar disorder.  i am still praying that bipolar disorder is not what we are working with and i truly believe that we are not.  i just worried that if i went to his doctor that she would immediately want to medicate the symptoms instead of acknowledging that the first medication is causing the symptom. 
so, i called a doctor that has made so many connections between autism, mood, and food and made an appointment.  she apparently is in high demand because our first appointment is august 24. 
i am not going to give up or give in so easily but i also cannot just watch my child suffer. 
i went to check on him one night and as i watched him sleep i just cried.  i feel so guilty thinking that the medication that i gave to help him could potentially be what has made his mind so riddled with worry.  it breaks my heart that his life is so difficult but i have to take my own advice...i have believe that God has a plan for calvary, i have let my specific requests be known, and now i have to walk in that belief. 
so that is what i am doing.