acceptance versus awareness...

i have heard so much talk about the difference between asperger's awareness versus asperger's acceptance and the interesting point about both is that i believe i live in a continual state of trying to navigate being aware of calvary's aspieness and accepting calvary's aspieness. 
if it is difficult for me to tread these waters i can only imagine how difficult it is for someone who is not in the trenches daily to accept the actions of a person that are completely incongruent with what our standards are.  and while it causes me deep, deep stress to see the eyes of onlookers judging me or my child in the midst of a difficult moment, i understand.
we have made tremendous strides with calvary.  we have come so far from the days of almost continual meltdowns.  i have often compared my life then to a hostage situation.  i felt like i was constantly trying to talk him down and spare the hostages.  continual is no literary hyperbole either...it was very literally a continual state in our home. 
however, i know we are beyond blessed to be where we are now.  we are learning.  calvary is learning and trying and i think a huge part of his efforts are a result of seeing so many of the people he loves learn and try as well. 
afterall, a relationship is not one sided. 
i believe that the big difference between awareness and acceptance is how much work a person is willing to put in to understand another person. 
i am aware of so many things.  i am aware of polka music, deep sea fishing, bungee jumpers and millions of other things.  but i am not at a place where i care to understand polka music, the desire to deep see fish, or the psychology behind bungee jumping--perhaps there will be a day when i meet someone who plants some seed in me where my awareness grows into more of an acceptance...but, that day is not today.
this is how it is for calvary.  i don't expect everyone to have an acceptance for my son growling, covering his eyes, or throwing himself on the floor in the middle of a store or restaurant.  i would wish for it.  i pray for it for his sake (and to be honest, sometimes my own).  but the reality is that not everyone has been touched by autism. 
i feel sad for those people...because just how i am most likely missing out on the great joys of polka music, deep sea fishing, and bungee jumping because i am too scared or judgemental of its quirkiness...many, many people are missing out on the beauty of who my son is.

we have come so far...and by we i mean our family and friends...in trying to learn and understand calvary's differences. 
it has made all the difference in the world for him. 
now, instead of being forced to constantly bend to a world that he doesn't always understand there are moments where we are bending to try and understand his world. 
i cannot imagine what a relief that must be for him.  he is only a child.  he is a child that has spent a large chunk of his 6 years of life reacting to a world that he doesn't understand and being parented as if he does or should.  the other chunk of his life he has spent trying to LEARN a world that is foreign to him.  i can only imagine what a reprieve it is for his mind to have moments where someone understands...or at least tries. 

the interesting part for me is how much i am still learning about calvary.  the minute i think i am an expert on all things aspie...i realize that i do not have a clue. 
it still boggles my mind how difficult it is for calvary to navigate this world that he sees as so chaotic.  he does so well that i forget to prepare him for a meal at a friend's house or set the timer for his class....and then...well...then...i remember. 

but it is all a learning curve.  he will be learning his whole life.  there are times where i am tired.  i am tired of trying to figure out how to help him deal with anxiety, worry about a snacks that are gluten free, remember to clearly state my expectations for every.little.thing....but then i think...i bet he is tired too.  tired of trying to understand why no one else feels overwhelmed by all of the sensory input he receives at every.single.moment, tired of not being able to eat the cupcakes that are sitting on my oven, tired of not knowing how to talk to that kid at the park with whom he desperately wants to play....and i remember that awareness and acceptance are different things--one is a continuous dance between education and compassion and the other, while nice, doesn't require much effort at all. 

i am looking forward to where calvary will be 5 years from now...and i am interested in learning how God is going to use all of this character shaping in the lives of our family and friends throughout the rest of our lives...but mostly i am just grateful.  i am grateful for the blessing that he is.  i am grateful that God trusted me enough to be one of his parents.  i am grateful that my other children have learned so much and do not show any signs of resentment towards him and the attention he receives.  i am grateful for the resources that have been available and the friends i have made. 
he really is beautiful.