"Draw me close to you
Never let me go
I lay it all down again
To hear you say that I'm your friend
You are my desire
No one else will do
Cause nothing else can take your place
To feel the warmth of your embrace
Help me find the way
Bring me back to you
You're all I want
You're all I've ever needed
You're all I want
Help me know you are near"
it is almost not an exaggeration to say that this song is just a a few years younger than i am....i have heard it a million times...and yet i am singing it tonight.
my hands are freezing cold and i am reflecting on the day and how messy the house is and how tired i am of hearing the bickering of my children and i find myself singing "draw me close to you, never let me go..."
i have spent a good bit of my life thinking. trying. doing. and the crazy thing is that as much as i am trying and thinking and doing i am continuously amazed at how God fixes all of my thinking, trying, and doing.
this hardly makes sense to me but i am writing it here anyway because i am just amazed by God. i am amazed at how i never understand Him and then i do...and then i don't again...
i have often thought of my pursuit of God as exactly that...a chase...a hunt...trying to catch and uncover a hidden and distant God. in my relationship with God i see myself as the hunter. the closer i am to finding Him the more in line my walk of faith is. and while i know that seeking God is a biblical principle i now realize my understanding of God's response to my pursuit has been tragically flawed...
Proverbs 8:17 - I love them that love me; and those that seek me early shall find me.
Matthew 7:7-8 - Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you
Psalms 34:10 - The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good [thing].
Psalms 9:10 - And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, LORD, hast not forsaken them that seek thee.
Hebrews 11:6 - But without faith [it is] impossible to please [him]: for he that cometh to God must believe that he is, and [that] he is a rewarder of them that diligently seek him.
1 Chronicles 16:11 - Seek the LORD and his strength, seek his face continually.
oh, it is biblical to seek God...i am instructed to seek God diligently, earnestly, and continually...but God is not in it for a chase. i immediately think of the hunger games and in so many ways my perception of faith has been a last man standing mentality.
our reward is found only if we survive the hunt.
we will find God, if, by some strength of our own, we manage to maintain some sort of faith throughout all of the trials of life.
this is so wrong!
he tells us over and over again that we will find him if we seek him! he will not hide his face from me. he has not forsaken me.
what comfort?!
and when i look back through my life i see evidence of it all. i see evidence of his hand orchestrating these huge moments in my life and i realize that all the while i feel like i am seeking him it is truly His hand that has been guiding me all the while.
He hasn't been hiding behind trees or lurking in shadows. He has lovingly and gently been pulling me forward...
i read the perfect image for this in the book i have been currently reading called Families Where Grace is Place: Building a Home free of Manipulation, Legalism, and Shame...long title...but i probably wouldn't have read it if it were just for the first part of the title...but the idea of building a home where my children are taught and modeled faith free of manipulation, legalism, and shame really captured the core of my heart.
relatively early on in the book vanvonderen clarifies the definition of "spirit filled" with the image that has remained present in my thoughts for a few weeks now...
"it is not the wind in the sail that propels the boat--the boat is not pressured forward from behind. in fact, the wind creates a negative pressure--a vacuum--in front of the sail. this vacuum is the force that attracts the boat forward. so being filled with the spirit does not mean being power-driven through the christian life, as if the Holy Spirit were a locomotive-wind behind us. rather, it means being drawn into godly living by the Holy Spirit, who is in front of us, focusing us on God. i guess God knows about physics too" (81).
this truly transformed how i have viewed God.
instead of seeking God for the wind that pushes me into the right path, seeking God becomes something so much more graceful and gentle. it becomes more about the "be still and know..." faith instead of the chaotic rabbit chase of faith that i have been participating in most of my life. i am not good at being out of control. i want to lead the ship but there is something so beautiful about surrendering to His pull...
and that is why my heart is singing "draw me close to you...never let me go...i lay it all down again...to hear you say that i'm your friend...YOU'RE ALL I WANT...YOU'RE ALL I'VE EVER NEEDED..."
Friday, January 25, 2013
friday's musings...
things i am loving about this week:
- the kids made all a's on their report cards. they have worked hard and i am proud of their efforts.
- clean teeth for 3 out of 4 children (finley doesn't go yet)..well water and copious amounts of candy were not victorious over their enamel...my mind is at peace...praise the Lord we do not have lots of cavities to pay for...
- french vanilla k-cups for the keurig...yummy yummy
- harper's book report. she is such a writer. love that about her.
- running with harper. i love that we have those few moments to walk and run and just chat by ourselves...they are far too rare.
- at the park the other day finley was having huge issues with me not holding her and running (how dare i not run with her--i tried it...it wasn't pretty)...calvary and oliver jack were trying to comfort her and as they walked towards me, from about 100 yards away, calvary took off his coat and wrapped it around finley...i almost cried. it was one of those beautiful, unprompted moments that make me realize that they are okay. despite my shortcomings, they may turn out just fine.
- oliver jack did not want to be outdone so later finley was laying on the bench covered up with both of their jackets.
- oliver jack reading to finley...he says, "sit right here, baby...do you like this book, baby?" in his most gentle and loving voice.
- finley eating up all of their attention...she really is going to be a monster.
- bad days. no, really. when i finally get through a day where it seems like all i have done is mediate bickering, fuss about the same messes that i feel like i fuss about all day, fear the laundry pile is soon going to be insurmountable, and trudge through a school day where no one has motivation i have a moment where i realize that this isn't my everyday. i love that. it helps me to be grateful for the days that i all too often let pass by without mentioning how remarkable they truly are.
- skype. it is cool to talk to people who are so far away and be able to see their face and their worlds.
- meeting new friends.
- hearing calvary conspire with kyle about using his money to buy something special for me. he is really, really stingy with his money. he doesn't like to all of his money on anything. gift cards are his own personal purgatory...but he is excited about buying me something. i don't know what it is...but i am going to love it forever.
- calvary made all of us valentines and used his hershey kisses to tape to the back. for each one of us he drew a picture of him and the person he was giving the valentine doing something special. it was beautiful. he doesn't do things like that often and somehow that makes it even more beautiful...
- finley ate a salad the other night. we are all still pretty schocked by that.
- the twice baked mashed potatoes i made last night...they were pretty much heaven.
- the old men at wendy's the other day that just oohed and ahhed over my children. they just kept talking about how beautiful they are and how well behaved...it made us all feel pretty good....although i can assure that no one in wal-mart stopped to express the same sentiment...
- calvary received a letter in the mail from his friend nash. it made his day.
- a sweet friend from church gave us an awesome container of lincoln logs that her son has outgrown...my kids have had hours and hours of fun playing with them already! grateful that someone thought of us and shared with us...
- getting my hair cut tomorrow! so excited!
Monday, January 21, 2013
acceptance versus awareness...
i have heard so much talk about the difference between asperger's awareness versus asperger's acceptance and the interesting point about both is that i believe i live in a continual state of trying to navigate being aware of calvary's aspieness and accepting calvary's aspieness.
if it is difficult for me to tread these waters i can only imagine how difficult it is for someone who is not in the trenches daily to accept the actions of a person that are completely incongruent with what our standards are. and while it causes me deep, deep stress to see the eyes of onlookers judging me or my child in the midst of a difficult moment, i understand.
we have made tremendous strides with calvary. we have come so far from the days of almost continual meltdowns. i have often compared my life then to a hostage situation. i felt like i was constantly trying to talk him down and spare the hostages. continual is no literary hyperbole either...it was very literally a continual state in our home.
however, i know we are beyond blessed to be where we are now. we are learning. calvary is learning and trying and i think a huge part of his efforts are a result of seeing so many of the people he loves learn and try as well.
afterall, a relationship is not one sided.
i believe that the big difference between awareness and acceptance is how much work a person is willing to put in to understand another person.
i am aware of so many things. i am aware of polka music, deep sea fishing, bungee jumpers and millions of other things. but i am not at a place where i care to understand polka music, the desire to deep see fish, or the psychology behind bungee jumping--perhaps there will be a day when i meet someone who plants some seed in me where my awareness grows into more of an acceptance...but, that day is not today.
this is how it is for calvary. i don't expect everyone to have an acceptance for my son growling, covering his eyes, or throwing himself on the floor in the middle of a store or restaurant. i would wish for it. i pray for it for his sake (and to be honest, sometimes my own). but the reality is that not everyone has been touched by autism.
i feel sad for those people...because just how i am most likely missing out on the great joys of polka music, deep sea fishing, and bungee jumping because i am too scared or judgemental of its quirkiness...many, many people are missing out on the beauty of who my son is.
we have come so far...and by we i mean our family and friends...in trying to learn and understand calvary's differences.
it has made all the difference in the world for him.
now, instead of being forced to constantly bend to a world that he doesn't always understand there are moments where we are bending to try and understand his world.
i cannot imagine what a relief that must be for him. he is only a child. he is a child that has spent a large chunk of his 6 years of life reacting to a world that he doesn't understand and being parented as if he does or should. the other chunk of his life he has spent trying to LEARN a world that is foreign to him. i can only imagine what a reprieve it is for his mind to have moments where someone understands...or at least tries.
the interesting part for me is how much i am still learning about calvary. the minute i think i am an expert on all things aspie...i realize that i do not have a clue.
it still boggles my mind how difficult it is for calvary to navigate this world that he sees as so chaotic. he does so well that i forget to prepare him for a meal at a friend's house or set the timer for his class....and then...well...then...i remember.
but it is all a learning curve. he will be learning his whole life. there are times where i am tired. i am tired of trying to figure out how to help him deal with anxiety, worry about a snacks that are gluten free, remember to clearly state my expectations for every.little.thing....but then i think...i bet he is tired too. tired of trying to understand why no one else feels overwhelmed by all of the sensory input he receives at every.single.moment, tired of not being able to eat the cupcakes that are sitting on my oven, tired of not knowing how to talk to that kid at the park with whom he desperately wants to play....and i remember that awareness and acceptance are different things--one is a continuous dance between education and compassion and the other, while nice, doesn't require much effort at all.
i am looking forward to where calvary will be 5 years from now...and i am interested in learning how God is going to use all of this character shaping in the lives of our family and friends throughout the rest of our lives...but mostly i am just grateful. i am grateful for the blessing that he is. i am grateful that God trusted me enough to be one of his parents. i am grateful that my other children have learned so much and do not show any signs of resentment towards him and the attention he receives. i am grateful for the resources that have been available and the friends i have made.
he really is beautiful.
if it is difficult for me to tread these waters i can only imagine how difficult it is for someone who is not in the trenches daily to accept the actions of a person that are completely incongruent with what our standards are. and while it causes me deep, deep stress to see the eyes of onlookers judging me or my child in the midst of a difficult moment, i understand.
we have made tremendous strides with calvary. we have come so far from the days of almost continual meltdowns. i have often compared my life then to a hostage situation. i felt like i was constantly trying to talk him down and spare the hostages. continual is no literary hyperbole either...it was very literally a continual state in our home.
however, i know we are beyond blessed to be where we are now. we are learning. calvary is learning and trying and i think a huge part of his efforts are a result of seeing so many of the people he loves learn and try as well.
afterall, a relationship is not one sided.
i believe that the big difference between awareness and acceptance is how much work a person is willing to put in to understand another person.
i am aware of so many things. i am aware of polka music, deep sea fishing, bungee jumpers and millions of other things. but i am not at a place where i care to understand polka music, the desire to deep see fish, or the psychology behind bungee jumping--perhaps there will be a day when i meet someone who plants some seed in me where my awareness grows into more of an acceptance...but, that day is not today.
this is how it is for calvary. i don't expect everyone to have an acceptance for my son growling, covering his eyes, or throwing himself on the floor in the middle of a store or restaurant. i would wish for it. i pray for it for his sake (and to be honest, sometimes my own). but the reality is that not everyone has been touched by autism.
i feel sad for those people...because just how i am most likely missing out on the great joys of polka music, deep sea fishing, and bungee jumping because i am too scared or judgemental of its quirkiness...many, many people are missing out on the beauty of who my son is.
we have come so far...and by we i mean our family and friends...in trying to learn and understand calvary's differences.
it has made all the difference in the world for him.
now, instead of being forced to constantly bend to a world that he doesn't always understand there are moments where we are bending to try and understand his world.
i cannot imagine what a relief that must be for him. he is only a child. he is a child that has spent a large chunk of his 6 years of life reacting to a world that he doesn't understand and being parented as if he does or should. the other chunk of his life he has spent trying to LEARN a world that is foreign to him. i can only imagine what a reprieve it is for his mind to have moments where someone understands...or at least tries.
the interesting part for me is how much i am still learning about calvary. the minute i think i am an expert on all things aspie...i realize that i do not have a clue.
it still boggles my mind how difficult it is for calvary to navigate this world that he sees as so chaotic. he does so well that i forget to prepare him for a meal at a friend's house or set the timer for his class....and then...well...then...i remember.
but it is all a learning curve. he will be learning his whole life. there are times where i am tired. i am tired of trying to figure out how to help him deal with anxiety, worry about a snacks that are gluten free, remember to clearly state my expectations for every.little.thing....but then i think...i bet he is tired too. tired of trying to understand why no one else feels overwhelmed by all of the sensory input he receives at every.single.moment, tired of not being able to eat the cupcakes that are sitting on my oven, tired of not knowing how to talk to that kid at the park with whom he desperately wants to play....and i remember that awareness and acceptance are different things--one is a continuous dance between education and compassion and the other, while nice, doesn't require much effort at all.
i am looking forward to where calvary will be 5 years from now...and i am interested in learning how God is going to use all of this character shaping in the lives of our family and friends throughout the rest of our lives...but mostly i am just grateful. i am grateful for the blessing that he is. i am grateful that God trusted me enough to be one of his parents. i am grateful that my other children have learned so much and do not show any signs of resentment towards him and the attention he receives. i am grateful for the resources that have been available and the friends i have made.
he really is beautiful.
Friday, January 18, 2013
friday's musings...
things i am loving about this week:
- change. the possibility of change. the expectation of change. i am just going to embrace the change that comes with this year. this is the sermon that was taught to us the very first week of church and i have just really decided that, though i have no idea what this year may bring, i am going to live in the change and expect that where i am will be used to advance His kingdom...
- harper and calvary cleaning their rooms after bedtime because they knew how upset i was at just how messy it was. i knew what they were doing as i heard them shuffle around and open doors, but i loved that their heart was to please me.
- calvary threw a pillow yesterday in the living room and it hit a lamp. immediately harper yelled, "JACK!" (it is to be expected from him) but calvary said with quickly and with remorse, "it was all my fault! i threw a pillow!" my heart burst with love for him because we have been trying to teach our children their whole lives that it is more important to take responsibility for our actions then to try to appear perfect.
- how finley just melts into my lap or arms or wherever she is when i hold her. no part of her fights being cuddled and loved.
- trying to use technology to communicate with friends.
- having time to read.
- using that time to read "families where grace is in place."
- harper, calvary, and oliver jack playing monopoly together. harper is quite the landlord.
- my mom and dad and sister taking the kids to go and see a movie. so nice for them to have that time with each other.
- kyle's dad riding with me to raliegh to get my marriage certificate. i was planning on managing on my own and i am used to maneuvering with all 4 kids by myself but he offered and it was so nice to have an extra set of hands. especially when we realized just how small the office of vital records actually is.
- how great my kids did during those two days of errands and sitting.
- having coffee with lori. i am just so grateful for how our friendship has grown over the years. we started out as just being in the same couples sunday school class before they were even married....now we have 6 kids between the 4 of us and faced so many similar challenges with our two Aspie boys.
- how much oliver jack loves to do crafts with me.
- harper making presents for her friends. she just has such heart to give. her generosity and creativity are two of my most favorite qualities.
- christy surprising me with a coke and boberry biscuits...
- my little brother calling just to check on me. he's such a grown up now. granted he will be 30 in july, he still seems like my baby brother to me.
- oliver jack's love of babies.
Friday, January 11, 2013
friday's musings...
things i am loving about this week:
- weekly bible study with women from my church. it has been great to hang out, laugh, sometimes cry and through it all learn more about what it means to love God with such a diverse collection of women.
- finley slept in her own bed last night for the first time! she used to sleep in her crib just fine, but we had not had a finley free evening since we transitioned her to a big bed.
- she came to my bed this morning at 5 am saying "we're going to have a party with dancing and ice cream?!"...i told her that if she ever slept in her own bed we would have a huge party...i guess i know what we are doing tonight :)
- i was having a discussion with harper one morning about how she sometimes struggles with admitting that she's wrong and she tries to blame other people in a way to make an excuse for her wrong doing. i was trying not to be too condemning so i was assuring her that i have struggled with this and so has so many other people but my hope for her is that she will learn the lessons i have learned earlier and with less hardships...to which she responded, "too bad...i want to be just like you." (i want so much more for her than to be like me but it brings my heart joy to know that she loves me and admires me in spite of all of my shortcomings)
- finley told me to turn my head over because she "can't see my ol' big eyes".
- oliver jack telling me multiple times throughout the day that he loves me.
- oliver jack's complete refusal to wear underwear. i can't help it...it makes me laugh.
- kyle laughing so hard that he cried when oliver jack got up from the dinner table and started dancing...kyle firmly told him it was not time to dance it was time to sit down and eat...which is when oliver jack decided to drop his pants and say, "feast your eyes!" (thanks brave)...kyle tried to keep a straight face but he couldn't... he just looked at me and asked, "why does it always go there with him?!"
- calvary waking me up every morning at promptly 7:30. he whispers, "it's 7:30." sometimes it is nice having someone in the house with a rigid understanding of rules...other times, not so much.
- calvary's new therapist. they seem to be getting along great and the doctor has been so encouraging to me. i couldn't ask for more.
- harper working so hard at her school work. she gets aggravated sometimes and i have to help get her back to a place with a good attitude, but for the most part this girl can work! we go through her lessons for the day, i teach her what needs to be taught, and then she takes her list of work and just does it.
- homeschooling. i love that we have the freedom to start when we want to start and that the kids have the freedom to choose which subjects they want to start with and where they want to learn. it truly is such an empowering way to learn. at this point, i hope that my kids always want to homeschool...
- hearing finley say, "is this gluten free?'
- the warmer weather which has allowed us to be outside playing football, soccer, and riding bikes.
- anticipating planting my garden in the spring and possibly adding some chickens...yes, chickens...i think it will be fun...no matter what mr. levi says or kyle.
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