tough times...

i, well more like we, have been going through a tough time lately.  i have had a difficult time discerning what i should put here and what i should keep to myself, not because i want to pretend like all things are rosey all the time...because they aren't and i am not good at doing that anyway...but because it isn't always about me. 
i wanted this blog to serve as a journal for my babies.  i wanted them to grow up and know how much i love them, how much i invest in them, how much i think about every single decision of every single day.  i wanted it to be a written account of the legacy i hope to pass to them. 
but at some point it is difficult for me to know what i should write here and what i should keep out and unfortunately i am an all or nothing kind of girl. 
thus the unintentional hiatus.
but after several weeks of thought and prayer i am hoping that i can find that balance.
calvary weighs heavy on my heart.
i cannot help but feel like i am slowly losing him.
i used to be his rock.  he never sought comfort with me but he would accept it.  but over the past few months i have watched him withdraw more and more into himself. 
in his own mind, calvary has always been up against the world.  he allowed me to be his teammate and advisor.  but recently he is pushing me away too. 
i have started reading the out of sync child and while it is incredibly insightful it is also heartbreaking.  i just feel so helpless. 
i know that i cannot be his rock.  i cannot be his comforter.  but i am not even sure that i know how to point him to the One that can be.  he already seems to turn to God, but in his darkest moments he is very much on his own.