the case for shame...

sometimes i am surprised by the shame i still carry. the fact that i still carry the consequence of my actions is obvious but the consequence goes deeper than even a living, breathing little girl.  i wrestle with the question of whether or not i have truly repented of my sin or if i am simply carrying it on my own hoping to some how find a way to allay myself into forgiveness.  in some symbolic sense, my shame is likened to a scourge from which i seek atonement.  i carry the weight of consequence mainly for how my choices have affected so many outside of myself.  the ripple effect has been so unexpectedly large that sometimes the guilt is crippling.  sin is not without consequence.  the transparency of my own sin has been forgiven but the shame is what has helped me remember the weight of its cost.  i am like david crying out, "o God, you see how foolish i am; and my wrongdoing is clear to you" (psalm 69:5).  and now when i sing "never will i know how much it cost to see my sin upon that cross" i remember the weight of my burden and i sing with tears in my eyes because the shadow of its heaviness still presses on my heart.  i once believed that walking in redemption would mean walking in total freedom.  of course i would have the natural consequence of raising my daughter in a divided home, but that spiritually i would be free of shame.  then i remember ezekiel 16 when jerusalem is referred to as an adulterous wife and the Lord says, "then, when i make atonement for you for all you have done, you will remember and be ashamed and never again open your mouth because of your humiliation" (ezekiel 16:63).  in this reference shame is used as a tool of remembrance.  how will i ever understand the depths from which i have been saved if i have not felt the singe of its burn?  God is just; his love is deep enough to be hurt by our decisions.  as jerusalem is compared to an adulterous wife, God's wrath is made evident.  he keeps his covenant but the weight of forgiveness is not an easy load to bear.  yet, the compassion of God is made evident as he says, "fear not, for you will not be put to shame; and do not be humiliated, for you will not be disgraced...for a brief moment i abandoned you, but with deep compassion i will bring you back. in a surge of anger i hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness i will have compassion on you." (isaiah 54).  the seeming paradox illustrates that there is a place for my shame in my relationship with God; as long as it crumples me to the ground at his feet then it serves its purpose.  david's shame causes him to sing out in praise, "he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire" (psalm 40:2).  and while from the outside i grow further and further away from that college dormitory nestled cozily in the hills of eastern tennessee, my shame reminds me of just how closely i am knit to the nature that rooted me in the pain of terrible choices.  i am not where i was then.  none of us are.  harper is surrounded by love.  i could not imagine the emotions of our situation being any better.  we have, through only God, created a family for her.  this family is rooted in compassion, love, and unbelievably at times, forgiveness.  it could be easy to forget.  i could at times hide my shame.  i could pretend like nothing has happened.  no one would have to know that the beginning of harper's story started out so broken.  yet hiding my shame only fans hers.  my prayer has been that harper would not have to carry the weight of my choices and although that is unlikely not reconciling my past or taking responsibility for my own actions only shifts the weight on to her.  i never want her to carry my pain any more than i have already asked of her.  if i was to become prideful or find myself righteous in anyway i would be denying the depth of His redemption.  shame is the antidote for pride or self-righteousness.  i must have been a pious little lady and yet i am thankful for my shame because it causes me to "remember therefore from where" i "have fallen" (revelation 2:5).  from this view shame is not crippling or sad.  it serves only as a reminder of just how sweet it is to be loved by Him...