the last day of first grade...

friday was the last day harper would ever be in first grade. i find it fitting that her pictures represent how much change this year brought to her. the first picture is at a different front walk, wearing a school uniform, carrying a different back pack, and lunchbox. this school year has represented monumental changes for all of us, but harper may have experienced the brunt of each change. most changes were positive; we are no longer spending 2 hours a day in the car just for school drop off and pick up. some changes were a little harder to swallow; poison ivy and ticks are much more common hazards of our new life. and yet harper has taken it all in stride. i am in awe of that girl's strength. she truly is a force.

in all honesty i find her to be my most difficult child. i always feel guilty that i created a circumstance for her that was not ideal. i feel guilty that her life is different than her brothers and sisters. but i also marvel at how God has restored so much and has allowed harper to have a life as free from division as much as possible. a feat only He could accomplish. i worry about correcting her because i know that she rebels against correction. i worry about not correcting her because i know how she pushes boundaries. i worry about her liking me. i worry about her not needing me. i feel sad when she seems indifferent to the very best i can give her. i feel sad when i hurt her feelings for being angry with her. i feel angry when she has a bad attitude about not getting her way. i feel angry when i catch her being sneaky. all of these emotions are normal and intricate on their own but then they are much more complex when i throw in everything else.

i just want her to know that i love her more than my life. i love her in the moments that she is intoxicatingly sweet. i love her in the moments that she is infuriatingly stubborn. i love her for who she is. where she is. all of the time. no matter what.

my greatest prayer for her life is that she will consecrate herself to God and follow Him and His will for her life.

my greatest fear is that she will try to make her own way.

she is my most difficult child because she is my most independent. she was born standing up, ready to claim her place. she needs me less and for that reason i am afraid that i cannot protect her from making mistakes. that scares me. i know the pain that comes with making wrong choices. i understand the profound way that those choices can change your life.

because of my choices her life is more complicated. i will always feel guilty for that.

my peace is knowing that her life is full of people that love her and out of that love embrace every part of her. God has also shown me how He has given harper the strength of many. this first grade year has been evidence of that.

if the study that i read that claims that a person's personality is set for life by first grade is correct than i can rest assured that harper will do just fine in life.

she is a beautiful gift that i wish i could hold on to longer.