nothing a bag of sour patch kids won't fix...

today has just been one of those days. maybe it is the result of being thrown, with reckless abandon, into a full weekday after the sanctuary of a long weekend...or maybe i am just in one of those moods...regardless, i thought bedtime would never come. and once it did, the guilt i felt for wishing bedtime would hurry up and come kept me from enjoying the fact that bedtime did indeed arrive. sigh.
the day started off incredibly pleasant. it was not until nap time (or lack thereof) that the ugliness of the day crept eerily in...oliver jack and calvary must have been in cahoots. i took off to pick harper up from school and as we drove home calvary, of course, fell asleep in the car. the sweetness that is harper let him rest on her shoulder. she tried not to move and i watched as she looked at him sleeping and i knew...despite her best efforts sometimes...that she loves him. that was the sweetest moment of my day. probably worth it all.
i reveled in that moment just until we parked in the driveway and calvary woke up from his not-so-powerful nap. i was getting everyone in the door, making a bottle, trying to get snacks together, and this is the moment that harper decides to unload the contents of her back pack in the middle of the kitchen floor....really? i let my frustrations out as i told harper that i could not look at her stuff at that moment because i was too busy and then i sat down on the couch feeding the baby and my shame just rose up inside...i have not seen her all day and i was too busy? i should be ashamed and i was. i apologized and she forgave.
but the rest of the day was pretty much around the same lines. nothing extraordinary that would warrant ambulances, explanation points, or shocked faces, but just enough irritations to lead to a downward spiral of parental frustration. i am frustrated because i feel like i do enough and they do not appreciate it. i am frustrated because i feel like i do not do enough and they are calling me out on it. i am frustrated because i feel like i never have a moment to do anything that i want to do. i am frustrated because i feel like i am not always grateful. i am frustrated because i feel like my children are not grateful. just on these days i sit and wonder what should be done to fix all this.
i guess we are all just mixed bags.
when they were born, and everyday since, i pray that they only get the best parts of me... my super attractive face or my infuriatingly long legs or perhaps my...(well, i cannot think of any of the meaningful qualities right now but i am sure i have some)...but the truth is that God let them be mixed bags. we have free will right? i have the choice to love them and they have the choice to love me. it would be too easy if we were all perfect. i would not understand God if i did not watch someone i love not appreciate all the things i do for them. or if i did not watch someone i love casually dismiss the depth of my love for them. of if i did not watch someone i love curse my name (yes, it is true....calvary called me "stupid mommy" today). or if i did not watch someone i love reach out and hug their brother. or if did not watch someone i love lovingly protect their little baby. or if i did not feel the sweetness of their words as they genuinely whisper, "i love you mommy". i only housed these little bodies while God did the knitting. how much more intensely does He love me....He created me from nothing more than dust. He breathed life into my lungs. He rejoices over me with lullabies much sweeter than the ones i sing over my own children...
i wonder how His heart breaks on those days i turn away and ignore His love...
i wonder how much joy He feels when i worship Him...
i wonder if He ever feels like all He needs is a big bag of sour patch kids, like the size of earth, and the problems of the world seem distant and manageable...
i am thankful that God has given me this love for a child: the most frustrating, joyful, indescribable, deep emotion that i have ever known. it is an impossible love...