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in most of our posts i only talk about the emotional hardships or parenting hardships or the fun we are having.  we have been to disney world, the beach, harper has been in ballet, the kids have done soccer and t-ball, and calvary has gone to occupational therapy and had evaluations.  it would never seem to the outside world that any of this is difficult. 
most people like to pretend that money is not ever an issue in a world where most issues are actually related to money. 
i am guilty of that just as much as the next person but the reality is that kids are expensive.   
i blew some minds with that one. 
but what i mean to say is that kids are really, really expensive. 
kyle and i have never been the type that actually weighed our financial standing as our scale tipper in decision making.  we have always trusted God and His provision and thankfully we have always...always...had everything we have needed and a good bit of our wants. 
i made a conscious decision early on in our marriage that i was not going to let money cause me anxiety and, while God has always provided, there have been some tough times.
most of our strain always comes from the unexpected.  things like calvary having to have surgery to correct pyloric stenosis when he was just 5 weeks old really upset the fragile economy known as our finances.
  who can plan for that? certainly not me.  i barely plan the kids... :)

the biggest complication to our financial world has been this whole autism world.  everything from evaluations, to therapy, to specialists, to social activities, to special foods, cost money...and lots of it.  insult to injury is how insurance companies can ALWAYS find a way around paying coverage for these treatments.  and unless you are willing to load up credit cards with piles and piles of debt or unless you have fathomless pockets full of money decisions have to be weighed and made.

but then there's the guilt.  the guilt of having to provide for your children's needs.  i can always deny myself a haircut or a new pair of cute shoes, but how can i deny services that others deem my child needs? 

autism is a vaccuum for time and money.  i would be a hopeless optimist if i believed that people in the field did not 1. know about this guilt and 2. take advantage.  trying to navigate and discern between genuine need and fluff is exhausting.

i will say that i know that my character has been strengthened by all of this. 

i found this on pinterest the other day and i went on to read the rest of the passage and i am so grateful for how we have just enough.  not so much that we forget that we must rely on God but not so little that would think to steal.  we have just enough. 
my character has been shaped to mold me into a person who has a better understanding of the differences between need and want (my incredibly westernized lifestyle still puts that at a laughable concept for the rest of the world)
i am much more creative.  it is amazing what a person can do when they really have to!
i have learned that generosity has as much to do with time, forgiveness, love, and resources as it does with finances. 
i have learned to be grateful for little acts of generosity much more...
i have learned to pray.  pray for discernment.  pray for blessings.  pray for peace.  pray for ways to open our hands to others who may have needs we can fulfill. 
i have realized just how blessed we are. 

we are on the brink of a year full of possibilites.  and right now i am overwhelmed with the question of need and provision.  i needed to remind myself of just how richly we have been blessed.