i think what i need now is some comforting message letting me know that i am not alone. i read so many and hear so many stories of love and adoration of people and their children that sometimes i feel desperately guilty that my own children have moments that make me want to cry in my room.
i'd like to think that i am not alone. i'd also like to think that these feelings do not make me a terrible mother. but sometimes i wonder, and often times i ask kyle, "am i doing the right things?" am i choosing the right battles? will it ever level out?
right now it is harper. the life of a kindergartner is exhausting. one day as she slumped off her back pack and flopped down into her booster seat after school she sighed, "it is so tiring being good all day!" i laughed and then empathized. i tried to be good myself. i still try. it is often times quite exhausting. however, i am left dealing with the shrapnel of harper's daily emotional and physical restraint. and as much as i love her, this is more exhausting than trying to be good.
without question harper is a delightful little girl. she is smart and such a wonderful caretaker. she has always (ALWAYS) been mature and independent. and in many of her most delightful ways, she is just like her mother. the truth being that most of our areas of conflict are rooted in our likeness. oh that harper...she is so deeply rooted in my soul that i cannot see how she's walking around outside of me. sigh. i spend my days praising her for her wonderful behavior at school and praying that my praise will win me some compliance at home.
her intelligence plays against me in that she knows my buttons and for whatever reason she has decided that pushing the buttons that make me cringe are more amusing then pushing the buttons that make me smile...in her defense, i think that all of my buttons at this point are cringe inducing.
everyday this week i have thought about taking a re-do day. just spend the day stroking her hair and telling her how wonderful she is. unfortunately, pneumonia and h1n1 crippled our chances of playing hooky. summer school is not something i would really want on her permanent record...absenteeism just doesn't look good to admissions.
but this season of our lives will pass (fingers crossed)
i believe that her behavior is a natural test of the order of life and a true coping mechanism dealing with the exhaustion of each day and i just pray that i can be gracious. i want my love to shine through all of my actions so that she knows that i am hers. i am her support. i am her admonisher. i am her encourager. i am her mother.
God created her and in the knitting together of her soul He decided the traits that would be hers...at some point i must forfeit control. what i may view as flaws have been providentially chosen for her...i pray that i can be patient enough to help her learn to use her gifts and not belligerent enough to break her spirit.
labor was so much easier than this.
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