cussing and babies...

i am no expert on pregnancy and birthing babies. sure, i have had 3.5 pregnancies and 3 labors but every one of my pregnancies has been different...most of my labors have been the same. but the overall conclusion i have come to is that i was born to do this. my body was just made for carrying and birthing babies. aside from some of the milder symptoms of pregnancy, i have had the most pleasant experience with each. as far as labor goes, apparently i have it as easy as it gets. most of that i attribute to drugs. i refuse to let anyone try and convince me that the epidural is negative. i was there for the birth...i experienced it...oh, i experienced every last minute of it...i was able to nurse my babies straight away...i was able to get up and walk around as quickly as i could have possibly wanted....my labors were quick...and most importantly, i was able to rest up to the point of that most anticipated moment. most people, who like to fancy me some sort of hippie (cough cough kyle) are surprised by my endorsement of the epidural...but i am what i am...and i love drugs. strictly epidurally speaking of course. of course, i totally support anyone who wants to go the all natural route as well...labor is labor. i just want to enjoy the end result and i want the same for anyone else---whatever route that may be!
this a bit stream of consciousness because i have not yet been able to gather and collect most of my thoughts into coherent subjects, and i did not want any more of this pregnancy to pass without me documenting the emotions and events of this change. i have started to officially, and quite suddenly, "show". there is no hiding the fact at this point. my doctors were praising the fact that i have only gained 10lbs so far. i didn't tell them that all 10 of those pounds were gained last week. i am sure that would not have been so congratulatory if they had known this.
my file at the doctor's office is shockingly thick. i guess that is what happens when they have 4 pregnancies worth of information. also, i am good patient. i've never missed a prenatal visit. i think my insurance company is sending over a representative to offer me free services if i undergo a tubal litigation. if they aren't, i think they should. i wouldn't do it though because i have been through labor 3 (almost 4) times already and i think that it is not too much to ask that kyle take care of his business and save me a little of this bodily invasion.
tonight i had a good laugh as i rubbed cocoa butter on my ever growing belly...isn't it cute that i pretend like that matters after 3--stretch marks or not---this body will never be bikini ready again...anyway, as i put lotion on my belly, oliver jack stretched out his hand for a dollop of lotion which he rubbed on his belly. as we both stood there, bellies exposed, i laughed as i realized that his belly resembled mine exactly proportionate to his size. sigh.
when i was pregnant with harper i remember wondering if i would be able to have time for both children. i wondered if i would have enough love...blah blah blah...but now i realize that the only thing i do not have enough time for is cussing, drinking, and all of the other things i don't want my children to do. tonight kyle took the older two to their prospective classes and i had a couple of hours to dote on my youngest son. i have time like this with each of the children which i believe satiates both their need as well as my own for that one on one attention. other than that, we spend a WHOLE lot of quality time together. we do everything together. in fact, my children even feel the need to wake me up in the middle of the night, or the wee morning hours, to let me know that they are going to go pee. not to ask. to inform. i've decided that this type of togetherness is going to stop. either it stops, or i am going to start waking them up to inform them that i am going to the bathroom right before bed or the kajillion times i get up in the middle of the night. "harper...harper...harper...(poke poke poke)...(she stirs)...i'm going to the bathroom." and then i will walk out of the room and leave her in a bewildered state. so, all of this to say, i have plenty of time for my children. all i lack is a time to cuss. i don't even like to cuss. but if i wanted to cuss, i wouldn't have time for it.
i am excited to watch our family grow and everyday i am surprised at how well the days go. this pregnancy has been so uneventful that i still question the reality of it. i feel her move and that feeling never gets old. just knowing that God has the ability to create an environment where a life can be nurtured and developed just blows my mind. each day brings us closer to meeting her. each day brings us closer to the reality that the life which we are just now settling into will be totally upheaved and restructured. each day our roles are threatend with change. oliver jack will no longer be the baby. calvary will no longer be the middle child. i am happy about that. he will be his own. harper will still be the oldest but she will no longer be my only daughter. she will forever be my first born. the spark that started it all...and that she is...all spark.
i love this family. i love my husband and how he works so hard to make us all feel loved. and oh how we feel loved.