sometimes i have difficult time processing my own emotions and i have been taught to make sure that i have focus in my writing...the results of this has been silence. i am not sure i will be able to make a concise entry today but i figured that stream of consciousness is my best bet for making sense in my own head.
i went to my friend lori's blog today and noticed her link to the walk now for autism speaks event. i clicked on the link and read all of the information. lori has always been so good at raising awareness for autism and educating people to the realities of a life with autism. she uses her photography business to support the cause, her blog...just about every facet of her life is used to raise awareness...but it isn't overwhelming either. she has a balance. in so many ways she has been my hero through my walk with calvary. she has met me for coffee, sent me emails, texted with me, and really just been there. her life is busy too...so that is no easy feat. enough gushing... :)
all this to say, i wanted to be like lori. i wanted to have a team and raise awareness for autism and be an advocate...but as i looked at the page, i just froze. my stomach felt all weird and i had to navigate away.
i am still not sure why...but it makes me mad at myself. maybe i am just afraid it will make it all too real...even though i am pretty sure i have already embraced the reality. but maybe not.
i mean to the casual passerby calvary is just a kid. unlike 50 cent's most recent public blunder hinted at, children with autism don't look any different. i am pretty open with calvary's diagnosis mostly because i do not want him to feel shame over something that he has absolutely no control over. yet, i could pretend like nothing is different if i wanted to...maybe i am not ready to give that up.
one day while we were at the grocery store i started talking to a mother in the parking lot. she mentioned that her son had special needs and so i told her about calvary. i noticed that he looked up at me when i mentioned his name and i immediately wondered if it bothered him that i had told her. so when i got home and went upstairs to help him with his pjs i decided to breech the conversation. i asked him if it bothered him that i told her that he had asperger's. he told me that it didn't and i went on to clarify that i always wanted him to know that there was nothing wrong with him but that people are interested because it does make life different and people who are in the similar situation just want to feel community. i am not sure if he understood that, but he told me, "i like that you tell people."
so my hestitation is even less understood because my son's lack of shame only points to my hidden shame.
but i also feel so unqualified. i think i have been nestled in my own little corner of the world doing what i think i can do and not pushing myself any further into discomfort.
it is no secret that we have chosen children over wealth but that decision gets even more intense when one of those children have special needs.
life is expensive...and treatment for disorders like autism are even more expensive...
i sometimes feel like i should do more, but then i know that we cannot...and then i feel guilty...and then i feel sad...and then i feel angry...and then i feel....numb.
when i looked at the page for the autism speaks walk i just felt overwhelmed by complete lack of focus. all of these people have it together enough not only to support a team but to create a team, organize an event, buy t-shirts, create websites, and schedule a whole lot of other people to do the same...i can hardly navigate the page.
ironically, i feel like i am withdrawing into my own little world more and more. the same thing that i wanted to avoid the most has been the easiest thing for me to do and i have been finding it more and more difficult to force myself into the discomfort of reaching out.
i don't want the things that i cannot do discourage me to the point where i do not do the things that i can.
part 1 of the congestion in my brain...
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I am honored! In so many ways, you are my hero too. I have looked to you for many years with admiration for what an amazing mother you are. I have learned so much from you. You have no idea!!
I have been where you are right now on your journey in the world of autism. It's hard, it's scary, it's frustrating, and it's definitely numbing at times. Like with all journeys though, there's always movement, sometimes forward and sometimes back. At some point you'll reach the next location, and I'm certain you will grab it by the horns. You are stronger than you think... I am sure of that!
By the way, I'm glad I can create the illusion of balance, because I feel like everything is unbalanced most of the time! ...sometimes forward and sometimes back...
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