i understand why they would feel that way. i most likely would respond the same way to someone else. and more than anything the realization that the awkwardness and sensitivity is unnecessary just makes me that much more grateful for where we are in our lives.
i could have never dreamed that things would end up this way. we have all the ingredients for disaster...yet, somehow God has brought about beauty...i feel humbled and grateful.
i could list all the people and the ways in which they have had to put aside their own pride and hurt in order to not only coexist but come to love one another but i feel like that would be counterproductive.
the prayer i prayed from so early on still resonates in my heart, "lord, please let harper not feel divided...let her have 1 family". and true to the nature of God, his ways are so much higher than my own...the way things have worked out are not exactly how i would have imagined or even wanted for myself, but they are exactly as i believe that they should be for her.
sometimes i feel a little like how ashton kutcher, demi moore, and bruce willis were depicted in their early years...except better looking :)
all of this is not to pretend like we are all perfectly handling an imperfect situation. i can only speak for myself, but i can imagine that everyone else struggles with the same feelings to some degree. sometimes i struggle with jealousy and inferiority and i would be lying if i tried to pretend that i didn't. but those are my feelings to carry...not harper's. she already shoulders so much of the consequences of our actions that it would be not only unfair but so incredibly selfish to make her carry the weight of anything more than she already is.
it is beautiful for me to watch her freely and openly talk about her love for jacob, merriwether, grand, grandad, anna, susan, hunter, and david...it might not always be easy, but it is beautiful. i never want her to feel like part of herself is something that brings me pain. i love all of her. and the amazing part of that is that loving all of her has helped me love even more. i have been able to love and forgive in capacities that i have never imagined. i have also been able to accept love and forgiveness in ways i have never felt worthy.
jacob, harper, and i are only the starting stones that set off a ripple effect that will and does challenge countless people. my prayer is that we can handle ourselves in a way that honors God and testifies to his grace and forgiveness. i want harper and all of my children to understand how deep our actions affect not only ourselves but the people that we love presently and in the future.
if i was to not talk about the ways in which our family has been shown such grace then i know that i would be taking honor from God. the shame i feel for my actions is deep...but the freedom i feel through his forgiveness and grace is covering.
one of my professors in college told me when i first started walking the grounds of that private presbyterian college with obvious self-degradation that i could choose to walk in shame or walk in forgiveness. the choice was mine. and the choice didn't stop once i left, or got married, or had other kids, or loved kyle's family, or accepted their love, or forgave jacob, or loved his wife, or loved his daughter, or loved his family, or accepted their love...the choice happens every. single. day.
choosing to walk in forgiveness keeps me grounded in what truly matters. instead of focusing on my own insecurities or jealousies, the choice to walk in forgiveness keeps my eyes focused on the depths of which i have been saved.
harper is a beautiful girl with a soul so much older and wiser than her body. she is free. and i am grateful for all of her family who choose daily to walk in forgiveness and testify to God's power to reconcile and heal. and it helps to have a sense of humor and laugh at the situations that are obviously not "normal"
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| kyle, harper, and jacob at merriwether's 6th birthday party |
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