calvary goes to kindergarten....

last thursday calvary started his very first day of kindergarten. and while this day carries all of the normal heaviness and apprehensions, with calvary i carry an entirely different load of apprehension and fear.

in the back of my head are images of my baby boy sitting in a daycare center with a blank stare refusing to interact or become a part of the group.
i also hear the voice of our childcare provider saying, "i have never, in over 20 years of experience, seen such unprovoked rage in a child before."
i feel the weight of his body as he would cling to me as we tried to drop him off at his classroom at church.
i see the look on his face all the times he has been misunderstood, ignored, or embarrassed.
i hear his voice explain that someone followed him too closely or spoke too loudly.
i see him struggle and become frustrated to do the physical and social activities that his occupational therapist has asked him to do...
and yet, here we are...
taking my five year old son to kindergarten.
i have wanted to stay optimistic. calvary has made drastic improvements and grown up so much. in my heart i wanted to believe that everything would be just fine, but if i was to be honest i would have to admit that i was out of my mind with anxiety.
it is difficult to carry all of the memories and visions of all of your child's struggles and then put that same child in a position that has caused so many of those memories and visions.

i don't think that i expected the worst. i just knew that the worst was a possibility.
but calvary was excited.
he carried none of those memories.
all he carried was a pirate back pack that my mom and dad had bought him for his birthday and a matching lunchbox that nick and jessica had given him.
he walked into the school and clung to my leg for just a moment.
i told him i would walk him to his cubby and then i would leave. we walked in together and i kissed him as i left him at his desk. he didn't cry. he didn't ask to go home. he didn't stare blankly.
he took out crayons and started to color.

what a beautiful moment for him and for kyle and i. we have worked so hard for this moment. we have invested so much. every day since he has come back excited for the next day. and i thank God for such a wonderfully hopeful start to this journey. i know that the days before us are unknown, but no matter what those days bring these are the new moments i carry.