empty(ier) nest...

a person can only be so prepared when considering becoming a parent. and by "so prepared" i really mean not at all prepared. the minute i found out that i was pregnant with my first child people started telling me how my life would change. i heard about how i would never sleep and how expensive they were...but really i believed that was limited to the first year. after all, most people concentrate on the cost of diapers and the early crying. but i have learned in hind sight, as i so often do, that those early woes are only God's way of preparing young parents for what is to come.
for example:
1. i was prepared for pain during childbirth...
but i could have never been prepared for the pain of watching my children experience the heartache of life.

2. i was prepared for the lack of sleep of infancy...
but i was not prepared for the sleep i would lose over the decisions i am making for my children.

3. i was prepared for the expense that a baby would add to my life...
but how could i have known that buying school supplies, paying for dance or sports, packing a lunch box, or filling a closet would more than make up the cost of diapers in the years to come.

today i packed two lunchboxes. i filled out two folders worth of forms. i set out two sets of clothes. i kissed two foreheads and hugged two tiny frames. i watched two hands wave as they walked away. i watched two of my babies continue their leaps into independence and i grieve the loss of the expensive diapers and the late night/early morning feedings. i know one day that i will grieve the loss of these days of innocence, but today my emotions are mixed. i am both proud and sad.
i am proud of myself for keeping it together as i walked my oldest son into his classroom today. i am proud of how he handled himself...so, so proud. i am proud of my daughter for being so brave and secure.
i am just happy for the gift of my children but i also face the realization that this gift is not mine forever. they are growing up.