parenthood...

...is the toughest battle I never want to stop fighting...

(check out that boy...he sure looks tough)

calvary turned 5 today and i am almost positive that he grew 3 feet in his sleep. he may have even gotten a job. i'm not certain, but i think there is a marriage on the horizon and he might convince her to have those 6 kids he's been talking about. if i am going to be honest, (and i try to be) i would have to say that birthdays with calvary are tough for me. well, all of the birthdays are tough for me because i have to admit that they are all growing up. but calvary is different---[cue the gasp]. birthdays were big for me. my mom and dad always made birthdays something special. they didn't have to do BIG things; they just knew that having all the attention on that day was what made it a big deal. or in my case, having all the attention for that week (or month if i could work it). i am thankful for that. what a great childhood i had! and i have always strived to make my kids feel like their birthdays are a big deal... but calvary doesn't work like that. i struggle with what i need on his birth countered with what he needs. calvary doesn't do well with tons of excitement. it makes him feel so unorganized and out of sorts. but at the same time i know that he *wants* to be celebrated. i have watched this show at 10 on tuesdays for about a year now...much to kyle's dismay...called parenthood. the show is like crack for me. i want to stop but i can't. i watch the show and i feel like someone "gets" me. i cry and i feel a cathartic sense of release. i relate and i feel a pang of guilt. i allow myself to recognize what most of the times i refuse to acknowledge: calvary has special needs. i will remember the first time his OT refered to him as having special needs and it was like a punch in the gut. i don't have a problem with special needs or anyone who has them because let's face it, we ALL have special needs to some degree...but i just want to believe that my little boy is just a normal little boy. one episode in particular sticks in my mind from this season. the father of a child who has asperger's wants so much to believe that his son is "normal". so much so that he decides one day that they will break the monotony of the week and go to a theme park. he promises that they will ride his favorite ride and the son reluctantly agrees. once there and ,to add insult to injury, are on the ride, the ride shuts down and everyone has to get off. the 9 0r 10 year old boy can't cope and runs off in a fit of rage and confusion leaving the dad chasing him and finally holding his son in the middle of confused and judgemental onlookers.... i've been there. maybe not at that theme park but i watched that show and it was so raw that i felt like my own emotions were right there... calvary struggles with excitement which is why i birthdays are such a struggle. i knew today was going to be tough. but i knew i had to push through it too. i knew that if i didn't he would not understand why other kids have big, fun days and he didn't. so i planned a fun day with one friend. i was hoping keeping things simple would create the biggest chance for success. calvary wanted it to be fun but his little body was just so tense with excitement. he was like a tightly wound rubber band just waiting to spiral out of control. and he finally did. the good news is that we have made so much progress through maturing and OT that he rarely explodes aggressivley anymore. he mostly just shouts and cries. if you've seen a 2 year old throw the worst tantrum you ever seen then you've seen calvary in the middle of a meltdown. but calvary isn't 2. so, i was ready to call it quits and head home. skip the pizza. skip the park. skip everything and head home. i was embarrassed and frustrated. i was embarrassed because calvary seemed so ungrateful. ALL of this for him. i was frustrated because I needed this day to be a good memory for him. i just wanted it to end. i wished that no one was there to see this. i didn't want to explain his behavior. i just wanted it not to happen. thankfully i was with a friend. a real friend. she's the kind of friend that knows that i didn't really want to quit so she helped me be okay with it all and didn't make it about her and what she would do or how she would handle the situation. she didn't sit there with knowing glances, just staring at me waiting for me to handle it. she didn't offer words of wisdom. she just said, "i'm fine. i will do whatever it is you want to do. we will just do what you think he needs." we got through that moment and made it to the pizza place and to the park and everything was better. i am thankful to have a friend like that. sometimes you just need to know that someone is on your side. i feel like i have to answer to everybody. everyone has an opinion. "he's just a boy. "boys will be boys" "he just needs a whippin'!" "he'll grow out of it" but the truth is that he is different. i love that about him. and if i am honest, sometimes i really don't like it at all. but those are the moments that i just need to push through more. those moments where he is literally pushing me away are the moments that i need to push more. he went to sleep tonight a happy boy. he had a great birthday and i think he will remember all the effort we made to make it special. i love him so much that i would do anything to make sure that he never feels anything but special. and i mean that in the most precious and perfect essence of that word.