being an advocate...

traversing this time in my life with calvary and this invisible issue that we deal with has been a difficult time. on one hand i feel justified. i knew something was amiss with my little boy for years. literally. i can track my misgivings through this blog and know that there is no exaggeration in any of these statements. i feel justified to know that we are dealing with something very real. calvary doesn't just have normal tantrums. he isn't just a boy. he doesn't need a good whippin'. his brain is wired differently. i can sigh a sigh of relief and know that we have an entire community of encouraging, helpful people that are willing to listen and sympathize or talk and advise. i don't feel alone anymore. on the other hand i feel helpless. this is something i cannot fix. not only do i have little understanding about the true depths of this spectrum, and even though so much progress has been made in the past decade, neither does most healthcare professionals. i face a world of closed eyes. when people look at my son they see a perfectly healthy child. he has a beautiful smile and eyes that sparkle like the bluest water. his excitement is contagious and his laughter is infectious. he can run and jump and climb with best of any boy. he can write his name and draw shapes and do math in his head way ahead of most kids his age. he can button his shirts. he can brush his teeth. from the outside he looks perfect. inside, his emotions are raw. everything inside of his head is so chaotic that everything outside of his head must be calm and controlled. the slightest change causes panic. the heartbreaking part of it all is that he is now getting to the point in his social development that he realizes that he doesn't want to be like this. he wants to be okay. he wants to go to school. he wants to think it is fun to meet new people. and this is where my heart is torn...
i face a world where people who know very little about my son try to make life altering decisions for him. they are experts in the fields of medicine and psychology but they are not experts in my son. i am the expert in my son but i am not an expert in the field of medicine or psychology. i know that God has created my son. i know that he knitted him together inside of my womb. he shaped his heart with his hands. he breathed life into his lungs. he poured Himself into His creation. calvary is His cherished personal treasure...and being his advocate is my job. his doctor made a comment yesterday that unnerved me a little (a lot)...she said, "he's a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. we just need to round him out a little." i don't want to round him out. God made him square. i just want him to understand that he's different and be okay with that. he's my boy. and apparently God knew that i could handle this. he looked at me and knew that i would be the perfect mom for calvary. he looked at kyle and knew that he would be the perfect father for him. i can rest in that...