if i have heard it once, i've heard it a million times...

"you sure have your hands full!"

it is a statement that i have mentioned on this blog before. it is a statement that i can guarantee that i average hearing every single day.
just the other day calvary, oliver jack, finley and i went to the store to pick up a few things and a sweet old man and i had the following conversation:
"are all those children yours?"
"yes, they sure are!"
"well...you certainly have your hands full!"
"i sure do...the best kind of full."

to which calvary replied,
"mommy, he thinks we are the ONLY ones!"

the truth is that i do have my hands full. i would totally be lying if i said that raising 4 children under the age of 6 is easy. i try my best to keep on top of all my responsibilities but it is not ever easy. my heart, my mother's heart, constantly feels guilty. i feel guilty for letting them watch too much t.v., i feel guilty for letting them eat little debbie snacks, i feel guilty for saying "no" so many times in a day. i feel guilty for so many things. but then i also feel fearful. i fear missing a moment. i fear realizing one day that all this time has passed and i have not made the most of it. i fear not shaping the most wonderful childhood that my children could possibly have. i fear them growing up.
sigh.
the only thing more difficult than 4 children under the age of 6 is the idea of 4 children under the age of 12, then 16, then 20, then 40....
i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i have found myself completely surprised with how much my children have taken over my entire consciousness. everything i see is through a child-colored lens. politics, health, food, school...everything is about them.
then, the only thing more difficult than having 4 children is watching them grow up and no longer need me.
my hands will be empty, but my heart will still be so full.
the time is going by so quickly. this family that i never expected to start has and is the most precious gift i have ever been given...
my only solace in all of this nonsense is knowing the kyle will be there through it all.
i might be looney, but he loves me through it all.

so to everyone out there that looks at me and thinks i'm crazy for having all these children, who wonder how or why i do it, who believe that i have missed out on something greater or better by choosing this life over another, who feel sorry for me, or who believe that my effort is not exceeded by my gain i can only assure you that my greatest fear is missing moments with them.