finley rose is 9 months old!

well, another month has passed and i can honestly say that not much has changed. finley is still very much a baby. she is not crawling, pulling up, walking, growing teeth or any of those other signs of change. however, i know that her delays are because none of us put her down paired with the fact that she is content with not being put down. she is very capable of doing everything that she "should" be doing at this stage; she just chooses not to do those things. secretly, or not so secretly, this makes me very happy. i get to hold on to her for a little longer. i get to pretend that she is still an infant even though the months nearing that first year mark are closer than i would like to admit. even the doctor commented that she "sure is clinging on to her infancy!". in the past week she has made giant strides. she has started to role over to her belly and scooch up to her knees...mostly this is done in an attempt to get to either kyle or myself, but it is done. she responds to her name and she will give kisses. she has become much more playful and because of that she is much more excited by the kids now. it has only been in the past week that we would let harper take finley with her to another room. mostly because finley has just started sitting up steadily enough to not make me afraid that she would fall over and bust her little baby head. at this stage with jack, harper was dragging him around like a little rag doll. harper was crawling at 7 months and walking at 11 months, calvary was crawling at 6 months and walking a little over a year, oliver jack was rolling everywhere at 5-6 months and crawling at 7 months and walking at a year...and then there is finley...oh, sweet baby, i know that one day all too soon you will break free from my arms and take off. but for now it makes me smile to know that you have let me hold you so long. thank you for that.

harper at 6 months:

weight 14lbs an 14oz

height 25.5 inches

harper at 9 months:

weight 15lbs and 10 oz

height 27 inches

calvary at 6 months:

weight 16lbs and 2oz

height 26 inches

calvary at 9 months:

weight 18lbs 4 oz

height 28 inches

oliver jack at 6 months:

weight 18lbs

height 27 inches

oliver jack at 9 months:

weight 21 lbs

height 28 inches

finley rose at 6 months:

weight 15lbs 7oz

height 26 inches

finley rose at 9 months:

weight 16lbs 2 oz

height 27 inches

she is still my living doll. it is a statement only to be proved true when i take her out in public. just the other day i had only her with me at the grocery store. (it seems i am always buying groceries for this crew) and at the check out line the cashier, the lady behind me, and two different ladies that had already checked out were standing in a circle ooing and ahhing at her. they were touching her clothes, her hair, and cheeks. i loved that they loved her but i also wanted to get home and disinfect her.

in all of the sweetness that is finley i must admit that all of this holding has not come without a price. it would be unfair of me to only point out all of the wonderful things about her without also balancing that with the reality that this rose does indeed have a few thorns. it is true harper, calvary, and oliver jack! she sometimes has a little temper on her. mostly this happens when she is either tired or hungry but she can let loose at other times as well. she has also been my most difficult to sleep train. she still wakes up once after we put her down for the night and sometimes kyle can get her to go back to sleep but most of the time i have to feed her to get her to settle back down to go to sleep. it is difficult not to respond to her first cry at night because not only are there 3 other children sleeping in the house but there is 1 child sleeping in her room. and that child has school.

oliver jack and calvary love her so much. harper tells me all the time how much she loves her. we are so grateful that she is ours.

our choices define us...

harper can have any book in the library and she chooses a dictionary.

i love that kid.

love.

i have four children. FOUR.
two daughters.
two sons.
i have watched four people take their first breaths.
i have held four children in my arms and called them my own.
i have been transformed once.
twice.
three times.
four.

a first...

oh harper...

my current frustrations with harper can be summed up in the following confrontation.

(the stage is set. we are frantically trying to organize ourselves for departure to harper's ballet class. everyone is ready. i go into harper's room to grab her ballet shoes only to find her kneeling by the window with her back to me.)

me: harper, come on! it's time to go!
harper: okay, i'm coming...
me: ...you need to stop putting on make-up because you are trying to be sneaky. if you would not have been sneaky i would have let you. just like you were able to wear it to dance last week. so stop putting make-up on and let's go.
harper: okay
(she continues to finish applying make-up)
me: why are you not listening (in my most defeated tone)
harper: i had to finish because i would look crazy!
me: no....you needed to listen. that is what we are working on. you cannot decide that what you need/want is more important than what is being asked of you...
harper: i wasn't even being sneaky!
me: ....
harper: i wasn't!
me: okay. i believe you. but you should know that for future reference it looks like you are trying to be sneaky when you are kneeling on the floor with your face on as close to the ground as you can get it with your back to the room. but the problem i had was not with the make-up it was with you not listening.
harper:...
me: harper.
harper: ma'am?
me: sigh....

(believe it or not i considered this moment to be one of progress. slowly, ever so painfully slow, harper is realizing what it means to listen and not just hear. she's a good girl. and i love her so.)

how many things are wrong with this picture?

(this is exactly why i ALWAYS have to check before i leave finley anywhere after jack )

if i have heard it once, i've heard it a million times...

"you sure have your hands full!"

it is a statement that i have mentioned on this blog before. it is a statement that i can guarantee that i average hearing every single day.
just the other day calvary, oliver jack, finley and i went to the store to pick up a few things and a sweet old man and i had the following conversation:
"are all those children yours?"
"yes, they sure are!"
"well...you certainly have your hands full!"
"i sure do...the best kind of full."

to which calvary replied,
"mommy, he thinks we are the ONLY ones!"

the truth is that i do have my hands full. i would totally be lying if i said that raising 4 children under the age of 6 is easy. i try my best to keep on top of all my responsibilities but it is not ever easy. my heart, my mother's heart, constantly feels guilty. i feel guilty for letting them watch too much t.v., i feel guilty for letting them eat little debbie snacks, i feel guilty for saying "no" so many times in a day. i feel guilty for so many things. but then i also feel fearful. i fear missing a moment. i fear realizing one day that all this time has passed and i have not made the most of it. i fear not shaping the most wonderful childhood that my children could possibly have. i fear them growing up.
sigh.
the only thing more difficult than 4 children under the age of 6 is the idea of 4 children under the age of 12, then 16, then 20, then 40....
i'm not sure what i was thinking, but i have found myself completely surprised with how much my children have taken over my entire consciousness. everything i see is through a child-colored lens. politics, health, food, school...everything is about them.
then, the only thing more difficult than having 4 children is watching them grow up and no longer need me.
my hands will be empty, but my heart will still be so full.
the time is going by so quickly. this family that i never expected to start has and is the most precious gift i have ever been given...
my only solace in all of this nonsense is knowing the kyle will be there through it all.
i might be looney, but he loves me through it all.

so to everyone out there that looks at me and thinks i'm crazy for having all these children, who wonder how or why i do it, who believe that i have missed out on something greater or better by choosing this life over another, who feel sorry for me, or who believe that my effort is not exceeded by my gain i can only assure you that my greatest fear is missing moments with them.

the great migration...

my computer, tucked away upstairs in our new house, finds itself much more abandoned these days. between playing, cleaning, unpacking (yes, i am still digging my way out of the garage), feeding, diapering, and all other tasks mommy-related, the computer gets put last on my to-do list. even though that list is imaginary. maybe if i had a to-do list i would get more done. i doubt it. i would actually get less done because instead of doing something i sat around and wrote a list about what needed to be done. i am sad that i have not spent more time chronicling this time in our life. moving to a new house is a big deal. changing states is a big deal. harper changing schools is a big deal. and i have not taken the time to write it down for posterity.
i love our house. i feel at home. i love riding down the road and seeing all the cows and horses and trees and hills and knowing that this is our home. my children will have the gift of living somewhere clear and beautiful. i love that they have a room to make a huge mess in and that the door to that mess can be shut. i love that the kids are thriving. harper's transition to a new school has been relatively smooth. there have been moments that have caused a bit a strife, but she has handled herself with her usual confidence. watching her at this school makes me realize how much her last school was like prison. without question i find a challenging school to be important, but not at the cost of their childhood. i find myself entertaining the thought of homeschooling more and more every week. maybe one day we will walk that road. calvary is making huge leaps dealing with sensory processing disorder. he has seemed so much more balanced. i attribute that to having more of a desire to be outside playing, running, and riding his bike. it is amazing how much these activities serve as a calming agent on his life. there has been a notable increase in his anxiety. we have to check for exits on every bathroom, i have to account for every place i will be INSIDE the house, i am not to go outside at all, the gas tank has to be full, we all have to be not only in eye range but close by when playing outside, and the list really could go on. we are loving him through all of this and for the first time in a long time i am not totally pessimistic about kindergarten in the fall. before i tried to convince myself that everything would be okay. now, i am actually starting to believe it. without question there will be days that are rough for him (and consequently tough for his teacher and classmates) but i know that there will be good days too. he is excited. and since we live so close to harper's school i have made it a point to go and eat lunch with her once a week. she loves it and it is also led to calvary being much more excited about the prospect of joining the fun. we always peek in on the kindergarten classroom on our way out and usually they are sitting on a rug listining to a story or watching a movie. everything seems so calm and peaceful. i think calvary was surprised that the kids were not tied up and being prodded with hot pokers. oliver jack has not tried to run in the road. he has not tried to jump off the stairs. he has not attempted to draw on any walls. he has only stolen apples out of the fruit bowl, chips left on the counter, over filled his water cup, put his hands in a bucket of paint, find my stash of bendaroos, turn on the water to bathtub countless times, taken the backs off and batteries out of countess toys. he has napped well and slept well. he has snuggled and played. he has been happy to be emancipated from the car for what used to be at least 2 + hours everyday. finley has been super cute. she, just this week, has started showing interest in being down on the floor. she has shown signs of trying to crawl. she loves playing with her brothers while harper is at school. she loves being toted around by harper once she gets home. even though she is 9 months old and still very much like most 5-6 month olds, i feel like she has just started growing up so much. i love that kyle does not despise his commute. he traded his 5 minute commute for a 30-40 min commute and he has handled it with such a good attitude. i miss having him home for lunch everyday, but now he gets to go and eat at his parents house and spend some time just to himself. having that time to think non-kid thoughts must be invaluable. i wouldn't know :) i love that have so much more time in the day to do stuff. i don't have to choose between cleaning or playing anymore. i can do both.
obviously i believe that this has been a good move for us. we are still waiting for the dust to settle a little more, but the days have been good. i am ever grateful for the blessings that God has given us.

the times are changing...

i have come to a difficult time in my blogging life.
the line between what is mine and what is theirs is becoming a little more difficult to traverse and i am finding myself not knowing what to do. i started this blog as a way to keep up with my children. i thought that it would be much easier to keep everything organized and up to date using this medium and for the most part i have been right. i am so thankful that i started writing and my only regret is that i did not start sooner.
now things are getting tricky. the reality is that this blog is not private. i don't want to make it private because i love that my family and friends can feel a part of what happens here on a more consistent basis. but the truth is that harper especially is getting older. i am walking that line between respecting her privacy and working through my own moments as her mother.
i don't want to miss those grit moments because i think those will be the moments that harper looks back on and sees finally that i only wanted the best for her, but at the same time i don't want it to be awkward for her to have people ask her about a argument she had with a friend which she never intended other people to know about.
it is all about trust.
i want to be someone in which my children can confide.
finley rose and oliver jack will continue to be completely exposed for the time being. and i hope that one day as harper and calvary read this that they will know that just because they start appearing less that it does not mean that my love for them is directly proportionate. the older they get the more complicated my love for them becomes. stronger. even more protective.

it's been a while...

it has been a while since i last went to a play place and was not afraid that my child would erupt on another child.

it has been a while since i last left a room without giving a detailed description of where i would be.

it has been a while since i last ran inside a gas station without several children in tow.

it has been a while since i last slept without worrying about the first day of school.

i wonder if he will ever eat ice cream from a cone

run barefoot in the grass

drink a milkshake after his brother

fearlessly join a group

my biggest desire for him is to live life like a child. my prayer for you, sweet boy, is that you lay those heavy burdens down. i pray that your mind is released from the bondage of worry and that your next 5 years are ones transformed by the power of Christ...

my heart overflows with love for you.

finley CAN do tricks...

my latest hunches that finley is a little later on her development have been confirmed by taking a look back at her brothers and sister at the same age. harper was...well...harper. she was practically an old woman when she took her first breath. calvary has always been (overly) aware of his surroundings. and jack...he just has to move; there is too much to see and do to sit still! i know that her delays are a result with how content she is to be held and how content i am to hold her. for that reason i am not worried. soon enough she will be aching to get down, crawl, and bring chaos and mayhem to my world. but for now, i'll hold her.

and whereas jack was playing ball, harper was shaking her head "no", calvary was waving and clapping finley has mastered one trick and one trick only...

i think she's pretty good at it.