living beyond the motions...

yesterday i held my little baby in my arms while she slept and i put my fingers through that thick, soft hair that reminds me of a new paintbrush and i traced the curve of her arm with my fingers and tried to memorize their softness...i feel so blessed. so blessed to be called a mother.
there have been and are many that have arms that ache to hold their babies...babies they have lost and babies that have never been...and i never take for granted the gift that these children are.
the first time i ever faced my own mortality was after my daughter was born. i realized that with her life came the truth that my life was shifting through stages. i once was a newborn, than a child, then a teenager, then a mother.
but today when i held my baby i had a new weight bearing on my mind and that was the vision of my grandmother in her hospital bed. i've watched my granny be the picture of strength for all of my life and in a matter of weeks that has changed. two days ago i watched my granny sign a consent form to start chemotherapy and i held back tears as she mustered up the strength to sign her name. the same name she signed a million times on countless cards. and now she is so weak.
she is someone's baby. my great grandmother undoubtedly traced the curves of her newborn body and put her fingers through her baby hair. and i hold my baby and i pray that if my children are blessed enough to live a life long and full that someone will watch over her with the same love and diligence that i do now.
i want to do my great grandmother the honor of taking care of my granny in the way that she would. i already know that i have failed miserably because i have left her side because no one can love her like her mother. i am sure of this now.
i pray for healing and i pray for strength. i pray for my father and my uncles who have known her as a strong, dignified woman all of their lives.
she has always been there. for every special, and not so special, event. something i may (most likely) took for granted. i pray for the strength to live each day with purpose. i covet the prayers of believers that my granny will be cared for with love and respect and that she will know the love that surrounds her now.
this is a juxtaposition like none other and sometimes i am not sure how to handle my emotions through it all. i am just thankful for this life. for the gift of relationships. for the treasure of family. and the hope of Jesus.