the birthday...

once a year i am reminded of the transformation my life has made in the most dramatic of ways. sure it is harper's birthday, but it is also the day that i became a mother. i will never forget that day. i held her in my arms and i could not believe that she had been placed in my care.

in so many ways i believe that God used harper as a saving grace. before i knew of her i was in an impossible situation. as much as i tried, or thought that i tried, i could not pull myself out.

i remember thinking that this pregnancy was the worst thing that could ever have happened to me. i was not proud of the person i was, but i could in so many ways hide away my sickness and be a reputable person to the outside. with this pregnancy i had to face my life head-on; no more hiding or pretending. if i had been born in another time i would have been suddenly whisked away to "a great aunt's farm" for a convenient 9 month visit. my mother may or may not have stuffed her shirt with a lumpy pillow to allow for the child's return. thankfully, my parents raised me with the security and responsibility to know that i could face this with their disappointed support and the knowledge that i had to be accountable to my own decisions. the love and support of my family is something for which i will forever be grateful.

harper's has a personality of steel. i believe that God gave her confidence and independence as a symbol that He put her in this life to transform those around her...because we were the ones that needed to be changed. well, mostly me.

just about the time that i notice the haunting self-righteousness of my youth creep in, another birthday comes around and i watch as the smoke of a flickering birthday candle swallows up that pride--not in a bad way, but in a way that makes me remember how much i need God.

i thank God for these birthdays and for the person he has allowed me to be as a result of my sin. how perfect is God that he allows consequence to also be the most amazing blessing of life. i am humbled by His mercy. i am shaken by His power. and i am grateful for His love.