kindergarten...

blows.


i have thought about this for a long time. we have been preparing for years. literally. i have checked out so many schools, applied for charter schools, and even taken part in a few tours. i have been checking the mail daily for any lists so that i can be sure to buy all of the necessary supplies to make sure that my little lady is prepared for her first day. in all of this preparation i realized one thing: i am totally not prepared.

she may have an adorable back pack with matching lunch box.
she may have a box of crayons, safety scissors, and pencil box.
she may have beautiful dresses and the most perfect pair of school shoes ever.
but she won't have me.
and she needs me.


or maybe i need her.

in my mind, once harper walks through the doors of that old building and puts her bag in the little cubby bearing her name she will transform into mini skirt wearing, black eye liner bearing, little sailor swearing adolescent that will no longer want or need me around. sure, some may say that this is a far stretch. but is it?

this 5th birthday is, in my mind, the official end of the baby years. she has graduated into childhood and i am not sure i am ready for it. well, i know i am not. my camera is full of pictures because i am not sure if each moment will be the last. will this be the last picture she makes for me? will this be the last time she falls asleep for a nap? will this be the last time that i can trick her into eating tomato soup by calling it red soup? i am constantly reminded by people that it all goes by so quickly and i feel like this kindergarten thing has me digging my heels in refusing to let go.
it is only just now that i question the system; why do we send our prized ones off to an establishment outside of ourselves with the trust that they will be educated and shaped into the adults that we imagine? should i just sequester my family away from the world and its influence and maybe, just maybe, i will be able to keep a hold of the precious innocence for just a bit longer? then i think of the calling to "be in the world, but not of it".
there is a world out there that needs positive values to counter set the negative ones that are bringing such chaos into the lives of those who live by them. there are people that need to be reconciled to God. sure, harper may not be the one little girl that can change the world, but maybe she will be....or maybe she will change one person's world. whatever it may be, she is not mine to hide away. she is a gift. a true, beautiful gift that i am not ready to share but i know that i must...
i have told kyle that he will need to take the day off of work.
and i have made a list of things i will need to do to make sure that i am ready when it is calvary's turn to head on out to the big bad world.

1. check out schools.
2. make a list of my top priorities.
3. find out the admission requirements for each school and complete list.
4. make a doctor's appointment to get the kindergarten physical completed.
5. have a certified copy of the birth certificate.
6. have a copy of social security card.
7. have proof of residency.
8. have a truck load of valium.