a frozen moment...

i have seen a million movies, commercials, books, etc. that portray these moments of mothers and daughters laughing, wind in hair as they enjoy the beauty of an everyday moment. this may seem ridiculous, but i think of the movie Mamma Mia whenever i sit and contemplate the timeline of my life as a mother. i especially think of the song "Slipping through my Fingers". the first time i watched the movie, i could not help but let the tears well up in my eyes. i did not want to cry--i tried diligently not to cry--i was with my friend maralie and i did not want her to think that i was one of those emotional people that cry at movies--but i could not help it. the tears burned on the inside of my eyelids and my face felt incredibly hot...when i look at harper i do not only think about today; i think about moments from days and years ago and moments that have not even happened. i pray about the moment when i am not her world anymore. she will still be mine and my heart will break.


Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile
I watch her go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm loosing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes
Her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake
I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone
There's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt
I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well some of that we did
But most we didn't
And why I just don't know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers


the last lines of the song capture the romanticized idea of parenting. the insurance commericals of smiling families and wind blown hair on the family sailboat---PROTECT THE ONES YOU LOVE---the reality probably includes rain, whining, and a pontoon. but then no one would buy insurance.
today i had a romanticized commercial moment with my children that went horribly wrong...i went outside and was pushing harper and calvary in the swings while oliver jack took a nap. when calvary got up i seized my chance to have a go on the swings. i am fan of swinging...in the purest sense of the verb...once i got on, harper decided to come and swing with me. this is something we do often. she sits on my lap with her legs around me and we both swing at the same time. as i sat there, watching the wind blowing through her hair and the smile on her face, i thought about this song and the desire i have to see her like this always....and then it happened. reality crushed romanticism and brought me back down to earth...literally. the chain broke free from the wooden frame and harper and i flew backwards where i landed flat on my back...in a pile of mud. i opened my eyes, which i evidently closed at some point during the travel to the ground, and saw harper's bewildered, unamused face staring at me. i could not help but laugh. calvary was upset that it was his swing that was broken and harper started laughing once she realized that this was something that was indeed quite laughable. once i changed my clothes, mended my wounds, and promised calvary that his swing would be repaired i thought about frozen moments and slipping childhoods and realized i will never be prepared for my children to grow older, but it makes me laugh to think that the moments that scatter the memory of their own childhood will be moments like this...the unromantic roll in the dirt that makes me their mother and them my children...
and maybe, just maybe, they will let me swing again...even though calvary has already refused me admittance on to the trampoline.