monday's masterpiece...

i hate play-doh. it is true. i hate everything about it.

as a child my mom was almost obsessive about making sure that we did not mix the colors. we had all the nifty little play-doh toys. we made carefully, not mixed versions, mcdonald's ice cream cones, burgers, and fries. i remember enjoying it then, so i do not remember when it was that i grew to detest it so...but i do. however, i do remember the joy it brought me and i recognize that my children love it--and because i love to see joy on their faces (and i like to keep them busy from time to time) i allow the disgusting creation to make an appearance from time to time...

an appearance from afar...

this is as close as play-doh gets to my house...at least they get to play and i do not have to worry about scraping crusty bits of the mess off of my table, floor, carpet, or child's hair.

they get to flex their creative muscles and try their hands at sculpting...

calvary prefers to smush multi-colored bits into various shapes.....

harper prefers to use her imagination to create a rockstar...complete with a microphone.

as much as i hate play-doh, i love to see what they can create....they make me proud and happy. and i guess, in a weird way, play-doh still brings me joy.

a frozen moment...

i have seen a million movies, commercials, books, etc. that portray these moments of mothers and daughters laughing, wind in hair as they enjoy the beauty of an everyday moment. this may seem ridiculous, but i think of the movie Mamma Mia whenever i sit and contemplate the timeline of my life as a mother. i especially think of the song "Slipping through my Fingers". the first time i watched the movie, i could not help but let the tears well up in my eyes. i did not want to cry--i tried diligently not to cry--i was with my friend maralie and i did not want her to think that i was one of those emotional people that cry at movies--but i could not help it. the tears burned on the inside of my eyelids and my face felt incredibly hot...when i look at harper i do not only think about today; i think about moments from days and years ago and moments that have not even happened. i pray about the moment when i am not her world anymore. she will still be mine and my heart will break.


Schoolbag in hand
She leaves home in the early morning
Waving goodbye
With an absent-minded smile
I watch her go
With a surge of that well-known sadness
And I have to sit down for a while
The feeling that I'm loosing her forever
And without really entering her world
I'm glad whenever I can share her laughter
That funny little girl
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Do I really see what's in her mind
Each time I think I'm close to knowing
She keeps on growing
Slipping through my fingers all the time
Sleep in our eyes
Her and me at the breakfast table
Barely awake
I let precious time go by
Then when she's gone
There's that odd melancholy feeling
And a sense of guilt
I can't deny
What happened to the wonderful adventures
The places I had planned for us to go
Well some of that we did
But most we didn't
And why I just don't know
Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
Sometimes I wish that I could freeze the picture
And save it from the funny tricks of time
Slipping through my fingers


the last lines of the song capture the romanticized idea of parenting. the insurance commericals of smiling families and wind blown hair on the family sailboat---PROTECT THE ONES YOU LOVE---the reality probably includes rain, whining, and a pontoon. but then no one would buy insurance.
today i had a romanticized commercial moment with my children that went horribly wrong...i went outside and was pushing harper and calvary in the swings while oliver jack took a nap. when calvary got up i seized my chance to have a go on the swings. i am fan of swinging...in the purest sense of the verb...once i got on, harper decided to come and swing with me. this is something we do often. she sits on my lap with her legs around me and we both swing at the same time. as i sat there, watching the wind blowing through her hair and the smile on her face, i thought about this song and the desire i have to see her like this always....and then it happened. reality crushed romanticism and brought me back down to earth...literally. the chain broke free from the wooden frame and harper and i flew backwards where i landed flat on my back...in a pile of mud. i opened my eyes, which i evidently closed at some point during the travel to the ground, and saw harper's bewildered, unamused face staring at me. i could not help but laugh. calvary was upset that it was his swing that was broken and harper started laughing once she realized that this was something that was indeed quite laughable. once i changed my clothes, mended my wounds, and promised calvary that his swing would be repaired i thought about frozen moments and slipping childhoods and realized i will never be prepared for my children to grow older, but it makes me laugh to think that the moments that scatter the memory of their own childhood will be moments like this...the unromantic roll in the dirt that makes me their mother and them my children...
and maybe, just maybe, they will let me swing again...even though calvary has already refused me admittance on to the trampoline.

i had time to read...

a couple of weekends ago we had a yard sale at my house to raise money for our friends traci and adam's adoption. the yard sale was harper's dream come true. she kept going inside and getting money and coming outside and haggling with traci until the price was right. she drives a tough bargain. last time we had a yard sale harper purchased a pen that was not quite up to her standard, so she came outside and asked for her money back.
she was not the only one that found a few things that became a treasure to their new owner. i found several books that no bookshelf should be without. the list includes several steinbeck novels, a couple toni morrison novels, and of course a few faulkner gems. what library could be considered complete without as i lay dying or light in august? southern fiction at its finest.
several of my students recommended albom's novel, the five people you meet in heaven, so when i saw the book for fifty cents i decided i would see what stirred up the buzz from high school students. i started reading the novel on monday and finished it by thursday afternoon and i feel depressed.
i was surprised that the girls that recommended this book to me did because their normal books of choice are any sparks' novels (which i also picked up from the yard sale) that are full of emotional manipulations. this fable transcended the normal perception of death and heaven and took on an entirely different view of what to expect after our vapor of a life expires. and i didn't like it.
sure, the concept of our lives are all intertwined is beautiful and believable, but i like to believe that heaven is without pain or hurt. i also like to believe that we will not be reliving one moment in our life for eternity...how could i choose just one moment to be my heaven??? the more i thought about how i did not like albom's perspective of heaven, the more i realized how opinionated i am about a subject of which i know nothing.
in spite of this fact, i do know that albom's heaven is missing something that i know will be there and including something that i know will not be there. God and self. albom's heaven is noticeably deficient of God. despite the mention of God on occasion, his presence is noticeably absent. what is heaven if it is not the presence of God? albom's heaven seems to put a disproportionate emphasis on self. God is missing and instead heaven is focused on the individual. heaven is apparently created to serve us. albom's heaven seemed as empty as earth.
i, personally, am looking for heaven to be absent of anything to do with me. i do not want a self-serving heaven. i do not want to speak of God as a distant stranger, but i want to look God in the face and ask my own questions.
i enjoyed reading his novel and appreciate all the thinking that it caused me to do. albom's perspective is a refreshingly new one and i admittedly was forced to think about a subject that brings about crazy emotions...however, i am ever resting on the knowledge that heaven transcends that capacity of our own thoughts...

calvary is growing up...

calvary recently gave up his pacifier. true to his nature, we simply had to wait until he was ready. we had mentioned giving his paci up for about 1 year and everytime we asked him if he was ready he would say, "maybe next time". one day about a month ago i asked him if he was ready and he said, "YEA!" i was surprised with his response but knew that kyle and i better act fast. following the tradition we started with harper we planned a visit from the paci fairy. harper was just about 3 years old and we tied her pacies to the "paci tree" and she was surprised with a gift the next morning. she had a difficult time the next day but kept asking repeating "just tell me you understand--just tell me you know it's hard". it was like watching an addict go through withdrawls. her maturity was well beyond her years.

with calvary it was a little less dramatic. he was so excited about giving his paci to the paci fairy that he did not even seem to think about the sacrifice he was about to make. rhett, or poppy as the kids call him, called and feigned his identity as the beloved fairy and increased calvary's excitment to a ridiculous level. all went well. we tied the pacis to the tree and waited until morning. calvary never looked back. we have had a little more trouble getting calvary to go to sleep since then and it was a little heartbreaking to walk into his room and hear him saying, "i need something" but he couldn't figure out what he needed. of course i knew what he was needing...

calvary gave up his paci for a pair of skates...

harper faye...

is beautiful.

the next time you yell at me for using spit to wipe your face....

...i'll remind you of this day.





(just a warning that the following image may cause a few to lose their stomachs)





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today, as i cleaned up from lunch and tried to get oliver jack to take a nap, i heard calvary yelling "MOOOOOOOOOM!" from the bathroom.
i responded with, "WHAT?! AND STOP YELLING!"
i was not in a big hurry because calvary often calls me to the bathroom to assist with various inhumane chores to which i am not especially in a hurry to do.
as i turned the corner i saw what could only be described as a grisly horror scene from a poorly budgeted sci-fi movie.
poor calvary was just standing there with his pants around his ankles is pure shock. he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, "i was trying, (sniffle) to make (sniffle) to the potty (sniffle). mommy, (sniffle), i'm sorry i pooped on the floor....".
i assured him that it was okay and anticipated the worst. i mean if the floor looked like this i could only imagine the scene inside his pants. i walked toward him and asked him to hold on to my head as a took off his shoes, shorts, and underwear. much to my surprise none of his clothing had been scathed by the alien goo which covered my floor! WT... how in the world could my floor look like this and his pants come out without a hint of the disaster left behind?!?!
this must have taken calvary by as much surprise as it did me. i can only hypothesize the chain of events:
1. calvary tells me that his tummy hurts.
2. he runs in the bathroom only to find it occupied by his older, much slower, sister.
3. he waits patiently; playing with bits of toilet paper and other various objects around the bathroom.
4. harper leaves.
5. calvary pulls down his pants to climb onto the potty.
6. as he pulls his pants down, poop explodes out his bottom on to my floor.
7. he calls, "MOOOOOOOOOM!"

clearly this is merely a fanciful timeline of events; the true details of this event will remain lost in the mind of a horrified 3 year old little boy.

oliver jack is 5 months old!

i could be way off, but his growth seems to be evening out a little more than it was in the beginning. he is less chins and more grins these days---or maybe less cheeks and more squeaks. however we look at it, he is a happy baby.
he weighs a whopping 17lbs
and measures in at 27 inches.
he is wearing mostly 3-6 months clothes, but is also working his way into many 6-9 month outfits. sadly, i am anticipating having to buy some little outfits for the summer.
he laughs and smiles most of the time. he even smiles at strangers. this is a first for me. harper and calvary were not incredibly outgoing towards strangers. he is not that great of a sleeper; he is waking between 6 and 6:30 most mornings and if there is anything to watch at all he will not sleep.
he is a big eater. he is enjoying most fruits and vegetables and i bought a baby food grinder that i use to make baby food from the meals we are eating. i took him shopping with me and realized quickly that he is far too aware of what is going on around him. he started smacking his lips and shaking his arms excitedly as i placed jars of babyfood into the buggy. it took a few minutes for me to make the connection, but when i did i thought it was so funny to see how much he has developed in the past few months.
he is rolling over both ways and beginning to scoot if he is only his belly. he gurgles and coos and is making consonant & vowel combinations that sounds much more like talking. he is spoiled by activity and a loud house. i have tried to let him sit in his room in the mornings so that he can learn to enjoy his own company from time to time...but he would much rather have all of the noise and bustle of a crowded house.
every time i look at him i cannot believe that i thought i would be done after 2. he brings out the best in all of us. harper and calvary are the best big brother and sister that i could ever imagine. kyle is the most devoted and helpful father/husband. all of this brings back something that a friend of mine at work once told me; having three children forces you to become a family because we all have to rely on each other a little more.

my life....

...is a play date.

boogers...

Me: calvary! don't eat that! that is disgusting!

Calvary: i did.

Me. calvary, we do not eat boogies. it is gross.

Calvary: well, i do at night.

Jesus money....

harper and calvary have started really anticipating church with excitement these past few months. the church we are attending has a phenomenal children's program and harper and calvary love going to their own worship service and they are soaking up the Word like a sponge. i love hearing them recite their memory verses, "my God will take care of you--phil 4:19", and having them ask me questions about what they heard that day. i was not too shocked when harper suddenly asked me to help her get money out of her bank so she could have some "Jesus money." the next week calvary also asked for "Jesus money" and i started to think that this must be something more than harper's silly name attaching skills....she loves to name things, case in point; jack-jack and poppy....i asked them about the money and harper told me that she wanted to give money to Jesus. at this point i felt it was necessary that harper understand that she was not giving the money to Jesus (just in case there was some confusion) personally but that we give money to the church so that we can help teach people about Jesus or help people that are in need. calvary looked at me and said that he needed his Jesus money so that he could "listen to God." wow. i told calvary that thankfully we do not have to pay God to have him listen to us. and kyle and i had a good laugh. what makes the story even better is that even though harper and calvary are working under the assumption that they are giving money to Jesus so that God will listen to them when we picked harper up from her class on sunday we were surprised (or not really surprised coming from my little stasher) to hear that she decided to only give one of her quarters to Jesus. the other she kept for herself. sigh.

oh please...

at the risk of offending people i have decided to post this because i originally started this blog to be a journal for my children of my thoughts and emotions throughout their lives and i would hate to let the fact that people may or may not read this keep me from documenting those thoughts. so let me have it backlashers... but every time i hear someone talk about how much they love breastfeeding this is my thought: "oh please...you cannot possibly *love* breastfeeding!" but before i have every la leche league member accosting me like miss california realize that i am entitled to my own opinion. i know that there are people out there that do enjoy breastfeeding--i just do not see how. i do not mind the act itself, infact there are times that i enjoy the time (early morning with no other children around or late evening when everyone is settled and i am not being asked to read books, get juice, or answer doors) ...what i mind is the time it takes and how often i have to do it. however, all of this time set aside breastfeeding has allowed me to come up with one amazing realization, and that realization is that like all other things in society, it is all about status.
for instance...in the early American history the rich or upper class society would not have been caught dead letting a miniature version of themselves suckle at their bosom exposing the fact that it was not indeed made of gold. for that task they used wet nurses. wet nurses were hired and were a symbol of the status that allowed the upper class to show everyone that they did not have subject themselves to the task that they subjected on their hired help. again, when women started going back to work to establish themselves as equal to their male cohorts they ditched the breastfeeding just to show that they could. formula was expensive and breastfeeding was for the women that chose to sacrifice careers or could not afford formula. the lack of breastfeeding symbolized that status of a strong, independent woman. when celebrities started preaching the health benefits of breastfeeding many followed suit. many successful women started buying expensive pumps and trotting off to work to milk themselves in order to give their baby the best milk in the world. however, breastfeeding takes commitment of time and money. so once again breastfeeding becomes a sign of status. formula is an approved item for government assistance and therefore breastfeeding becomes a little more difficult to commit to throughout the baby's infancy. obviously this is not a conclusive historical study, but just an overview of a trend. many people do not fit inside trends, but most do....look at all of our pictures from the 80's for proof.
without question, breast milk is the best option for our babies. it is our God given ability to feed our children, but i am not convinced that this is enough of a reason for a people as selfish as we all inherently are to make the sacrifice that is necessary to make this choice. it is not best for baby to have the baby sleep in the bed with parents, but many ignore the death rate due to parental overlay in order to cater to their own need for cuddles or sleep. i make the choice not only because i know it is best for my baby but because it is financially irresponsible for me to buy formula. i would not qualify for government assistance to pay the 25.00 + for a can of formula that would last a week and i do not work outside the home... i realize that there are many reasons that people make the choices that they do.
i totally respect all the women in the world that choose to breastfeed and i know that not all women feel the same way about the subject as i; some women are genuine in their love for nursing their children and i covet that selflessness, but i know that many women are also guilted in or caught up by the trend and are not only breastfeeding because they know it is best for baby. i have used formula and breastfed my babies and all of them have been healthy, well adjusted and intelligent. harper was completely denied breast milk and she is healthier then calvary....so that either debunks the idea that formula is cheating your children of potential or it raises suspicion of the quality of my breast milk...
i just get tired of hearing or seeing those condemning eyes looking down on all the mother's that choose not to or cannot breastfeed their children. not everyone has the same privileges...and i think it is unfair for these women to be made to feel that they love their babies just a little less because of that choice. i do not want harper to feel that she is any less loved than calvary or oliver because i chose not to breastfeed her. i know many moms that feel intense guilt because they physically could not breastfeed...and i think that is ridiculous.