each night i sit on the couch and i think about the things that i am going to do better the next day. having a third child has really stretched me beyond confidence. transitioning from 1 to 2 children was a breeze. i imagined that transitioning from 2 to 3 would be just as simple and i was wrong. the hardest part has been feeling like i am the mother i want to be. with 2 i felt in control of my emotions, organized, and effective. with 3 i have felt none of these. however, over the past couple of weeks i have realized that i may once again become a confident mother and i need to focus not only on the things i am going to do better the next day but also the things i have done well an plan to do well again...so i started mentally making a list of the things that have me me proud of myself as well as the areas where i feel like i have failed....
things i am proud of:
since jack jack has been born i have read three chapter books with harper (the boxcar children, my worst friend, and the little princess)
i have spent individual time with both harper and calvary reading to them each night before bed
i have tried to consiously tell harper thank you for all of the help she gives me and recognize all of the responsibility she has on her
i have made dinner more nights than not in the past couple of weeks
i have managed to keep the house "picked-up" for a solid week! :)
i have made myself get dressed every day even though i am sad that most of the clothes that fit me still look like pajamas
i have excersized for 5 out of the past 8 days
i have played games with both harper and calvary
i took harper on a "date"
we had a "big kid day" where kyle and i took harper and calvary bowling
i have prayed with both of the kids daily for ourselves and others
things i am not proud of...
i have raised my voice at my kids more in the past 6 weeks than i have probably in their whole lives
i am not nearly as patient as i would like to be
i despise playing barbie and i try to find any reason in the world to avoid playing barbie
i do not enjoy my children crawling into bed with me in the morning because all i can think about is sleep and how i am not.
i have allowed far too much cartoons (we used to only watch 1 hour spead out over the entire day)
i feel like i do not smile enough at their silliness and i am trying to tell myself to smile
i do not enjoy the amount of time i have to devote to jack jack nursing...i feel like i am a food slave.
as the weeks continue i have managed to cut some things off of my list....like we are watching much less tv these days! there will always be things of which i am not proud but i want my kids to feel loved and know that i did my very best to give them a happy and loving childhood. second to wanting my children to know jesus as their savior i want my children to have joy and a love for their family that is rooted in togetherness and deep concern for each other. i don't want to merely survive each day and i am working on finding my way out of survival mode so that we can make a new normal... :)
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