monday mornings....

most mornings these past few weeks have been difficult for me. i find myself more and more emotional as i wake up and get my children ready for another day of what i can only describe as torture. adding to the emotional toll of the day is the battle of wills i wage with my four year old daughter. i want so much for our mornings to be sweet and some mornings are. other mornings i find myself counting to ten and praying that God will keep me from saying anything that would be hurtful. as we sit parked outside of mrs. cindy's house praying, i become emotional...everyday.
the sweetest time of my day is checking in on both of my children before i go to sleep. their faces are so peaceful and i know that they are content. i sit down beside them and i pray for their hearts and that they will know God and know how much they are loved and i pray that God will help me to be the mother they need--i love this time.
i think that most of the emotions i am feeling now is the lack of control that i have. i am not a particularly organized person and i do not feel especially controlling; but when anything contradicts my will i see quite quickly how partial to control i truly am. i am beyond thrilled to add this baby to our family but at the same time i know that he threatens the balance of our lives. i begin to question, "is harper acting out because she feels like she is not getting enough attention?" "is calvary refusing to potty train because he is against giving up his role as the baby?" "do they know how much they are loved?" these thoughts and much more run through my head all day building up to the continuous thought that i am not doing a good enough job being a mother to my children. and this is why my mornings are so emotional...
so when i get here (at school that is) i am thinking on all of these things and i remember that i am not God. i am not expected to do all of this on my own. i cannot expect myself to be everything that my children need and when i do that i am actually trying to separate them from the love of God and as my children both have repeated throughout the day all weekend "nothing can separate us from the love of God." no wonder i feel frustrated; i am fighting a futile war! i do pray that God continues to cultivate me into the mother that i truly long to be, but now i am also praying that God shows me the areas where i need to let go of the control and let my children grow...


on a side note: please be visit this blog roomforatleastonemore.blogspot.com and pray for this family. my mind and heart cannot comprehend the emotions and stress they are carrying...