all of this in a birthday????

we are approaching harper's 4th birthday and her birthdays are always a time where i think, like any mother, back to the day of her birth. seeing how this is normally a very nostalgic time for me it seems strange that i have also gotten back in touch with some friends from college that i have not spoken with since i graduated from college...four years ago. most are surprised to hear how i am doing and most have questions lingering in every statement made. when i think back to my pregnancy, delivery, and first year of harper's life i suppose i would be shocked to learn what i now know as well.

i've learned that while we all find God's ways mysterious or at least perplexing that He most certainly is the most consistent being ever to exist. every sentence within scripture is perfectly placed...every life is perfectly written...every civilization serves its perfect purpose. at the time and instance that scripture, life, or civilization may seem to be desperatley far from God's mercy and even more equivocally separated from redemption but in God's perfect consistency He shows himself just and forgiving...

we began a study on exodus marking the birth and life of moses. something that stephen summers said really impacted my heart as a true connection to the human (or at least my own) nature. he said that the situation for the Israelites in Egypt had to become increasingly awful because they came from such desolation and famine that even though they were in bondage they saw themselves as thriving. even when their situation became so awful that they finally did leave, they still thought about returning the their previous awful situation...the israelites had been promised a promised land and yet they were content to stay in Egypt. God, who is faithful, was going to fulfill his promise.

no human is ever perfect in any story. every character in the bible had their flaws. every person we meet is never truly hero or victim, just somewhere in between. i not only had to be able to offer forgiveness but be forgiven as well. God's forgiveness is swift; it is human forgiveness that takes longer. my life is definitely far from conventional, and even more so harper's life is far from conventional. but harper is blessed, and someday she will know it, to have so many people who have put aside their own moments of victimization or heroism to simply love her and through that love find a way to love each other.

her birthday will forever symbolize to me a new beginning. not only is it the day that i became a mother, but it is also the day that i began to wrestle with God and eventually find God through offering forgiveness, receiving forgiveness, and seeing redemption through the life of a child. there is not a day that i wake up that i do not realize how blessed we all are, and i pray that harper's life continues to mirror the consistent mystery of God's character.

all of this reminds me of a selection from St. Augustine's Confessions that also happens to be one of my most favorite selections from all literature. to me it captures the wonder and beauty of God's seemingly paradoxical nature:

"What art Thou then, my God? what, but the Lord God? For who is Lord but the Lord? or who is God save our God? Most highest, most good, most potent, most omnipotent; most merciful, yet most just; most hidden, yet most present; most beautiful, yet most strong, stable, yet incomprehensible; unchangeable, yet all-changing; never new, never old; all-renewing, and bringing age upon the proud, and they know it not; ever working, ever at rest; still gathering, yet nothing lacking; supporting, filling, and overspreading; creating, nourishing, and maturing; seeking, yet having all things. Thou lovest, without passion; art jealous, without anxiety; repentest, yet grievest not; art angry, yet serene; changest Thy works, Thy purpose unchanged; receivest again what Thou findest, yet didst never lose; never in need, yet rejoicing in gains; never covetous, yet exacting usury. Thou receivest over and above, that Thou mayest owe; and who hath aught that is not Thine? Thou payest debts, owing nothing; remittest debts, losing nothing. And what had I now said, my God, my life, my holy sweetness? or what saith any man when he speaks of Thee? Yet woe to him that speaketh not, since those that speaketh most say nothing at all. "