Loved...

I remember the morning that I first woke up to see this little guy sleeping in this beautiful Moses basket.  Just the day before, I held him wrapped in rags, covered in the signs of birth, hungry and crying.  But today, 2 days shy of 9 months ago, I am remembering how he slept like a prince.


This is how the Lord loves us.  He takes us in.  Washes us clean.  Wraps us in new clothes.  And we rest; we rest in the shadow of his wings...we sleep like royalty...and in that moment we hear the message, "You are seen. You are known. You are free."

Today, I woke up needing to remember that this message is for me.

I would like to think that this is a message that I would never forget.  But sometimes, especially as women, we get so caught up in the act of serving, teaching, and mothering that we forget that we are also known, seen, free...and mostly...loved.

Papa was the first baby that the Lord asked me to walk alongside and help carry his burden.  His burden was too heavy for one little baby to carry.  It is a load that no baby should have to carry.  The minute I held his body in my arms it was as if I was looking at an old photograph.  This baby is why He called me.  This moment is why I was here.  Papa is known.  It was my job to stand in the gap so that he would never question it.

Then there was Anthony...The Lord saw him in his sickness and knew that he needed someone to help remind him that he is loved.  He asked me to be that person.  The Lord, in His infinite goodness, knew that He had a family waiting for him.  Only that family could not be there in that moment.  So He brought Anthony to me and asked me to love him like my own.  I cared for him in the way that only a mother can care for her sick child...He gave me endless strength, patience, and courage so that Anthony would never have to feel forgotten or alone.


Mili came in with a bracelet from the hospital labeling her as abandoned.  How quickly we label people with chains and bondage that tie them to lies!  The Lord asked me to pray that she would know the truth that she is pursued.  Her name is not, and never was, "Abandoned."  Her name is, "Loved," "Redeemed," "Free."

The first time I saw Genny's face it was on the front page of the newspaper.  I immediately called our social worker and asked where she was and asked her to bring her to us if it was possible.  The Lord put her in my heart and a few weeks later I was picking her up from the local child services office.  As I sat cradling her body in my arms that night, or more accurately, morning, tears flowed down my cheeks.  I will never know the circumstances that led her birth family to place her in a trashbag and discard her among bags of things unwanted and unnecessary...but the Lord put within me a desire to speak against that spirit of rejection.  I prayed over her that she would know the truth that she is God's most precious treasure.

We have been called to help carry the burden for these children because the burden is too much for a child to carry alone.  But the burden wasn't taken off of the child at the expense of another.   Since leaving Honduras I have felt all these things: I have felt unknown, forgotten, alone, purposeless and abandoned.  All of the things that I have prayed against in all the children I have served, I have felt.

In a moment of grief, I was messaging a friend back in Honduras and I was telling her how I feel like what I was doing was important but now everything feels meaningless.

She responded in a way that poured into my spirit and it was as if all the lies that were rubbing my spirit raw were covered and coated...tears streamed down my cheeks in way that they always do when I am confronted with truth...She said to me, "I know the Lord's heart hurts for you, but the biggest lie of the enemy you could accept right now is that this simple obedience isn't meaningful."  And it is in that moment that the Lord was speaking to me that I am loved, I am seen, I am known, and I am free.

This is why we need community.

Sometimes our burdens are too big to carry alone and we need to be reminded that the message we are carrying for others is also meant for us.

I had forgotten...and now I am being carried by my fellow missionary friends in Honduras as they carry each other and my sweet babies, my in-laws as they pour into us and help us adjust back to life here, my parents as they love on us and see our needs without us asking, our friends and family as they listen and pray for us, our church family as they welcome us back with open and hopeful arms...The Lord is restoring my soul with the gift of community.

For this reason, I am excited for the opportunity to attend this year's Women of Faith tour.  In perfect timing, this spring and summer, Women of Faith is traveling across the USA with speakers from the past 20 years to celebrate the beauty of women from different generations ministering to each other and reminding us all that, "You are seen.  You are known. You are free."

I know I am not the only one in need of hearing this message.  For that reason, I am excited that the wonderful people at Women of Faith are offering readers of this blog $20 off the price of the standard or premium tickets in any city with use of the code Carrie20.  Tour information with the names of speakers, dates, and nearby hotels are available on their site.

I will be attending the Charlotte (Oct. 9- Oct. 10) event and would just be pleased as could be to sit next to you and just soak in all the goodness of your company alongside the event!  I am planning on grabbing some coffee and dessert...mostly dessert...over at Amelie's and would love to have some friends to share with.  That way we can all get different things and sample almost all Amelie's has to offer while still feeling like we haven't overindulged {{wink}}. Just don't forget to put in your code so that you can receive your discount and let me know so I can know how many seats to save!

Price includes all event sessions with speakers and muscians such as Building 429, Sandi Patty, Kori Robertson, Luci Swindoll, Jen Hatmaker, Nichole Nordeman and much more...

I do hope that you will consider coming so that you can be reminded of these truths.  We all need to be refreshed, restored, and renewed...Such an amazing opportunity to invest in our faith.

Reaching the End and facing Beginnings...

The day we decided to follow the Lord's call to serve our lives were changed forever.  In that moment, we willingly placed ourselves in a place where we entered into a life embracing change.  A hilarious choice, really, for a family that has spent so much of our life building stability and structure for the ones in our home that really need as little change as possible (ahem...Kyle and Calvary...). But embrace change we did and in the two years since, our lives have been a cycle of saying, "yes!" to change.  Saying yes has been challenging.  We have had to say goodbye to our families and dearest friends; Kyle quit his job of 10 years; We left or sold our most valued possessions.  And the Lord has covered it all.
We have been challenged, but not in despair.
Calvary, the boy who once could not sleep in a different room in our own home, has moved homes 5 times and lived in 3 countries.
All of our children went from loving home school to going to a school where their primary language is everyone else's second language.
We went to knowing that our home would always have 6 people for dinner to never knowing how many people would be joining our table...sometimes we would have 8 people and other times we would serve 20.
Our family has enjoyed gain and suffered loss as children have come and gone.

But now, the Lord has asked us to do something that all of the challenges have only served as drills for what He now expects of us.

We have known that the Lord is calling us back to the States.  And although we are excited for the beginnings of that which He is calling us, saying goodbye to what we have been part of here in Honduras has proven to be the biggest challenge of my life...and the lives of my children.

I have had such a difficult time processing what the Lord has asked of us.  I have never questioned that we have been called home; I have peace about the decision.  He has made it abundantly clear, just as I have asked of Him.  But my heart doesn't want to listen.  I have had a difficult time expressing how I can know with certainty that the Lord is calling us home but feeling like I don't want to go at the same time because I don't understand it myself.  I have been asked why we have to leave?...Why don't we fund raise from here?...How can we leave Papa?
And I am frustrated because I don't know the answers to the questions myself...these are the same questions I have asked the Lord...but the call to go back is clear and the obvious path where He is leading.

At church a few weeks back we were studying the journey of the Ark of the Covenant in 1 Samuel.  As I listened, I fought back tears as I listened to the text describing the final leg of the journey to Beth Shemesh.

"'Now then, get a new cart ready, with two cows that have calved and have never been yolked.  Hitch the cows to the cart, but take their calves away and pen them up. Take the ark of the Lord and and put it on the cart, and in a chest beside it put the gold objects you are sending back to him as a guilt offering.  Send it on its way, but keep watching it.  If it goes up to its own territory, toward Beth Shemesh, then the Lord has brought this great disaster on us.  But if it does not then we will know that it was not his hand that struck us and it happened to us by chance.' So they did this.  They took two such cows and hitched them to the cart and penned up their calves.  They placed the ark of the Lord on the cart and along with it the chest containing the gold rats and the models of the tumors.  Then the cows went straight up toward Beth Shemesh , keeping on the road and lowing all the way; they did not turn to the right or to the left."

1 Samuel 6: 7-12

I love how the Lord's enemies tested the validity of the Ark by using natural instinct of mother.  There is no stronger force than a mother's love and if the call of the Lord is stronger than that force then clearly the Lord is calling.  Those heart broken cows just followed the Lord's call all the way to the place of completion...but it wasn't without crying.

This is where I am.

I never felt more like a cow then I did after hearing this passage.  My heart just sobbed empathizing with those poor milking cows.  I just knew how they felt.  I have been asked to do the same...I have been asked to go forward and leave behind the ones my heart has grown to mother. In doing so, I am denying everything that feels natural and safe.

We are coming home.  Papa is staying here.  Kacey and Jesus are staying here.  Kaylie, Bekah, Anita, and Johana are staying here.  Todd and Wendy and all their precious children are staying here.  Our entire Honduran family, the ones we have been in the trenches with for the past year, are staying behind and I cannot help but feel like a very, very large part of my heart will be left behind as well.

BUT there is grace for this heart of mine!

The Lord has BIG plans for us back in the States and I know it, but in the short term He is already providing solace for my heart.

We have been asked to stay on as interim country directors for Honduras and this allows us to maintain a role as a big part of ROOMs ministry in Honduras.  Kyle will continue to handle the financials of ROOM: Honduras and collectively we will continue to oversee the projects and volunteers in-country.  We will also be planning and leading short term mission trips to allow other people to join and work alongside of us in Honduras. Also in this role we will be traveling to speak on behalf of orphan care and supporting fundraising efforts in the United States in order to support financially and through resources to the children who need it.  Fulfilling these responsibilities will require one or both of us to be in-country bi-monthly.

This is the grace.

He has asked me come back but he has not asked me to abandon our work here.  In many ways, we will be able to support and care for the ones we love so dearly even more so.  I would like to be here.  I want to be the one who holds and snuggles.  I want to be laughing at our dinner table.  I want to fold Kacey's laundry.  I want to see Jesus walk in my living room.  I want to pick on Bekah.  I want to be here for Kaylie.  I want to exchange song lyrics with Anita that no one else knows because apparently we are serving here with generation Bieber.  But for now, that's not what He is asking of us.

In the meantime, we have quite literally used all of our missionary support.
When we began our fundraising efforts we could have never known that we would be paying rent for houses in two countries, supporting the care of many children or families, or feeding countless missionaries in need of community.  The crazy thing is that we should have been out of money so long ago...but the Lord's economy doesn't make sense...and we are so thankful for  everyone that has come alongside of us and supported the work we have been part of here in Honduras and in Costa Rica.

Our prayer is that we will continue to have people come alongside of us as we return to the States.  The Lord has provided work for us as we return and we will no longer rely on missionary support to fund all of our living expenses, we will still very much need missionary support to continue the work we have been asked to serve in as missionaries for Honduras.


We have had many people ask how they can support us as transition into different roles...Here is how you can help.
1.  Pray for us.  Pray for the hearts of my children...they are grieving and will continue to grieve...Pray for our fellow missionaries here and all of the children that will be affected.

2. Help us reach April's budget. As of today, we have not reached our budget for April in Honduras.
We are so thankful and blessed that our dear friends Todd and Wendy are moving into the ROOM transition home that we have been able to create.  This home has been Papa's home and it will still, by God's great provision, continue to be his home.  This transition is a gift and my prayer is that it will continue to be a gift for all involved.  In order for that to happen we need to reach our monthly budget of $2,500.00 to cover the rent and utilities and loose ends of the house here.

3.  Contribute to the ongoing support of our work for ROOM.  Our monthly goal for ongoing support is $800.00 a month in order to cover the expenses of traveling for fundraising efforts as well as traveling expenses to travel back to Honduras to continue to develop and oversee staff and missionaries in-country. Please consider maintaining your monthly support, joining us as monthly sponsor, or by giving a special, one-time gift.

Please remember that all donations are tax deductible!

You can make a donation by visiting our razoo page
or by mailing a check to Reach Out Orphanage Ministries, P.O. Box 5882, Concord, NC 28025.  Be sure to indicate "Murray Family" in the memo field of your gift.