dear alexander...

dear alexander,

i remember the very first moment i laid eyes on you.  every mother remembers that first moment, even if that mother is only a mother for a moment.
it was unlike any other moment i have ever had with any of my other children...but your beauty was not lost on me.  the policeman that carried you seemed a little uncomfortable carrying your load...the gun that was draped across his back was definitely more familiar to him.  give me a baby any day over a gun.  i guess we are different kinds of soldiers, though.
i knew that you were supposed to be mine.  the moment i saw him carrying you, my heart leapt in my chest and i just knew.
that day you were heading to the public orphanage and we were supposed to be driving you there...the miracles that aligned so that you did not are some of the best gifts of my life because it meant that instead you came home with me.
for you, alexander, the Lord changed our lives.
for any mother that doubts that her job as mother is anything short of a calling, i can assure them that mothering a child is the deepest, most profound calling in this world.
you are so important and so valued--you are why the Lord called us to this country.
those early days were beautiful.  all of your brothers and sisters fell in love with you.  harper mothered you with all that she has inside of her.  oliver jack and finley covered you with kisses and lullabies. you are the baby that began the melting process of calvary's baby-hating heart :)  the nights were not long...instead, i cherished each bottle as a chance to snuggle and connect with you.
as you grew we started calling you papa.  oh, papa, we call you this because...well, because you looked a little like a potato for a little while...the cutest potato with arms and legs i have ever seen...but a potato nonetheless.  now, you have grown out of your potato-ness and are extraordinarily handsome...but papa stuck.
it makes me laugh a little because i addressed this letter to alexander and it felt so strange and unfamiliar...to us, you are papa.
life, your life, has been a whirlwind.
you have gained and lost several brothers and sisters along the way.  each one of those losses prepared me for what will inevitably be in our future.
i want you to know that my heart breaks knowing that i will not be your mother forever.
i will not be the one that covers your head and cheeks in kisses.
i will not be the one that sings ridiculous made up songs as you sit in my lap.
i will not be the one to watch the look on your face while you swing.
i will not be the recipient of those smiles that light up your whole face until your eyes twinkle.
it won't be me and it breaks my heart.
the Lord told me it wouldn't be me from the very beginning.  he told me that my job is to love you while we wait for your mother that will be your mother forever.
this is why you never called me mama.
we all know that's what i am...but to put a name to it, only confuses things...for me, for you, for the kids...
i want you to know it is not because of you.  you are a gift.  you are smart, handsome, silly, and loving...but you wouldn't have to be any of those things in order for me to love you or want you...you are always enough...my love for you has always been the same---when you were grumpy, unkind, or your hair was bad...i want you to know that all the days of your life.
you are enough.  you are a gift.  you are loved.
government isn't something i can explain to you at 7 months old...i don't understand it at 32...
but even if the laws were in our favor or the government had different procedures that made me being your mother forever a possibility, i am believing that it still wouldn't be me.
because if it was supposed to be me, mountains would be moved...
it's not for me not asking it.  it's not for me not pushing it.
i've prayed.  i've asked.  i've done it all and the mountains are still there.
but, i know papa, that your mama is coming for you.
she is going to cover your head and cheeks in kisses.
she is going to sing songs and watch you clap happily while you sit in her lap.
she is going to watch your face as you swing.
and she is going to be the recipient of those smiles...
she will also watch you grow up to be a boy and she will guide you into being the man that the Lord has called you to be.  your name means "defender of man" and i have no doubt that you will be voice for those who have lost their own.
she has been waiting for you and praying for you.
and i will be praying for you and thinking of you all the rest of my life.
my heart is broken, but the Lord has given me such a gift in loving you.  and when the day comes that your mama comes for you, please know that she is not taking you from your home...
i am returning you.

i will love you forever,
cassie