rumors...

so...apparently there is a rumor going around a very small corner of the world (that happens to embrace my in-laws as well as my aunt, uncle, and cousins ) that i am pregnant...again...with number 5. 
let me first dispel that rumor... i am NOT pregnant. 
my father-in-law had someone approached him at church and he asked kyle and then me if the rumor was true.
then, my aunt called me and told me that 2 different people had approached my uncle and asked him if i was pregnant. 
not cool people.  not cool.
all this recent questioning of the condition of my womb has led to the following train of thoughts:

1. why wouldn't they just ask me if i was pregnant?! i mean, i was at church with them the week before...they could have asked then...it is not exactly a terrible question...we do have a reputation (4 kids and people think i am just waiting to sign up for my own TV show).
2. wait...they did just see me at church...does that mean i LOOK like i could be pregnant?!?!  the only thing worse then looking like you are pregnant when you are pregnant is looking like you are pregnant when you are NOT pregnant...
3. well, i suppose i have gained a little weight...but i didn't think that i looked pregnant...but maybe i do...i mean, calvary did tell me that i looked a little squishy and harper told me that it was okay that i looked a little squishy because i have "had 4 babies" "what do you expect?!" (thanks harper...i know you meant that to be encouraging) and oliver jack did tell me that when he looked underwater with his goggles that i looked fat...
4. but, i am only 5 lbs away from my weight i was shooting for...i am back in all my clothes before babies...
5. i wish people wouldn't speculate...i am so aggravated...i need a candy bar...or a biscuit.  stress eating my way out of this is the sure way to dispel those rumors...

sigh, this train of thoughts continues on and on until i either embrace the fact that people are ridiculously curious about the state of other people's families or...i starve myself. 

but, just so it is told...as if people haven't heard a million times before...NEVER, EVER ask a girl if she is pregnant unless you are 100% sure that she is definitely pregnant.  never.  ever. ever. ever. ever. ever. ever.

blessings and the beach...

i believe without question that God's evidence is proven in harper's life.  she left this past saturday to go to the beach with jacob and his family.  obviously, everyone around us is quite accustomed to me being surrounded by all of my children all of the time (even in my bed...about which i am not pleased) so the question of "where is harper?" is as inevitable as "hello".  the interesting thing to me though has been how people respond when i tell them that she is at the beach with jbw; their bodies immediately stiffen and they aren't sure whether they should keep asking or awkwardly push through to the next subject. 
i understand why they would feel that way.  i most likely would respond the same way to someone else.  and more than anything the realization that the awkwardness and sensitivity is unnecessary just makes me that much more grateful for where we are in our lives. 
i could have never dreamed that things would end up this way.  we have all the ingredients for disaster...yet, somehow God has brought about beauty...i feel humbled and grateful.
i could list all the people and the ways in which they have had to put aside their own pride and hurt in order to not only coexist but come to love one another but i feel like that would be counterproductive. 
the prayer i prayed from so early on still resonates in my heart, "lord, please let harper not feel divided...let her have 1 family". and true to the nature of God, his ways are so much higher than my own...the way things have worked out are not exactly how i would have imagined or even wanted for myself, but they are exactly as i believe that they should be for her. 
sometimes i feel a little like how ashton kutcher, demi moore, and bruce willis were depicted in their early years...except better looking :)
all of this is not to pretend like we are all perfectly handling an imperfect situation.  i can only speak for myself, but i can imagine that everyone else struggles with the same feelings to some degree.  sometimes i struggle with jealousy and inferiority and i would be lying if i tried to pretend that i didn't.  but those are my feelings to carry...not harper's.  she already shoulders so much of the consequences of our actions that it would be not only unfair but so incredibly selfish to make her carry the weight of anything more than she already is. 
it is beautiful for me to watch her freely and openly talk about her love for jacob, merriwether, grand, grandad, anna, susan, hunter, and david...it might not always be easy, but it is beautiful.  i never want her to feel like part of herself is something that brings me pain.  i love all of her.  and the amazing part of that is that loving all of her has helped me love even more.  i have been able to love and forgive in capacities that i have never imagined.  i have also been able to accept love and forgiveness in ways i have never felt worthy. 
jacob, harper, and i are only the starting stones that set off a ripple effect that will and does challenge countless people.  my prayer is that we can handle ourselves in a way that honors God and testifies to his grace and forgiveness.  i want harper and all of my children to understand how deep our actions affect not only ourselves but the people that we love presently and in the future. 
if i was to not talk about the ways in which our family has been shown such grace then i know that i would be taking honor from God.  the shame i feel for my actions is deep...but the freedom i feel through his forgiveness and grace is covering. 
one of my professors in college told me when i first started walking the grounds of that private presbyterian college with obvious self-degradation that i could choose to walk in shame or walk in forgiveness.  the choice was mine.  and the choice didn't stop once i left, or got married, or had other kids, or loved kyle's family, or accepted their love,  or forgave jacob, or loved his wife, or loved his daughter, or loved his family, or accepted their love...the choice happens every. single. day. 
choosing to walk in forgiveness keeps me grounded in what truly matters.  instead of focusing on my own insecurities or jealousies, the choice to walk in forgiveness keeps my eyes focused on the depths of which i have been saved.
harper is a beautiful girl with a soul so much older and wiser than her body.  she is free.  and i am grateful for all of her family who choose daily to walk in forgiveness and testify to God's power to reconcile and heal. and it helps to have a sense of humor and laugh at the situations that are obviously not  "normal" 

kyle, harper, and jacob at merriwether's 6th birthday party

waterlogged...

i like this picture because of calvary in the background...see him?  right there just over harper's shoulder.  floating, arms by his side, head back...complete surrender to the water.  this was hour 4 in the pool that day, and he still did not want to leave.  my dad was right; i need to buy that boy a pool. 

and it seems that i am not the only mother of an autistic spectrum child that has had similar experiences with a pool...the benefits of swimming lays out some of the more obvious pros and cons of the pool...and i will say that most of the cons i have had with calvary are more easily maneuvered when the pool is involved.  for instance, he had some extreme anxiety about moving past the shallow end or away from my side at the beginning of this year.  and i anticipate this will be the same every year.  i think all children have to get comfortable with the skills they had gained the previous summer...but with calvary it goes a little farther.  we have been swimming at least 3 times a week this summer and it was only yesterday that i finally convinced (i.e. pulled him off of my body and told him to swim to the ladder) that he could swim in the deep end.  however, unlike his response usually to such circumstances, he smiled big and wanted to try again.  and although he loves to jump in the deep end and play with me in the water...he is content to float on his own or have his goggles on and watch other people.  his favorite thing is to look at finley's feet under water..."her feet are so cute mama!"

i look forward to summer every year because calvary is completely in his element.  maybe one day in the future we can look into a year round swim program.  nothing is close to us right now...but one day...

part 2 of the mind road block...

finley turned 2 at the end of june...yep...that long ago.  i have been trying to coordinate my time, mind, and pictures enough to finally write a post about that very special occassion...but...it hasn't happened. 
she did turn 2 though. 
against my best efforts at trying to keep the babiest baby a baby she has sprouted her own wings and decided to grow. 
each day comes with varying levels of how okay with that i am. 
here are the finley highlights...

1. she consistently refers to herself as finley roo...she will answer to roo, fin, finnie, princess baby, and of course finley.  roo has been an aptly coined name accidentally given to her by an oncall doctor when she was in her first few months of life.  we received a bill in the mail for 5$ for the patient named FINLEY ROO...we laughed at first but after realizing how much this little one is prone to love the care style of her marsupial brethren we realized that it is actually quite fitting.  roo it is. 
2. she is consistently petite.  she was my smallest baby at 8lbs 4oz and she has maintained that curve throughout her years.  she finished off her second year of life weighing 23lbs(15%) and measuring 31.75(8%) inches.
3. her head is enormous.  19.75inches (97%).  her head is wider than her shoulders and her hips.  i am actually amazed that she can carry it around...thankfully, her insanely thick hair acts as camouflage to the true enormity of her head. 
4. she eats nothing but carbs.  i try, but she consistently gravitates toward sweets and carbs.  my other children would always choose fruit over almost anything else.  finley will eat fruit if nothing else is available.  which is what i have started to do for her.  she will eat 1 or 2 bites of a carrot.  she doesn't eat much meat...but she does better with meat over fruits or veggies. 
5. she is starting to talk more and more.  she repeats anything that she hears and has quite a large vocabulary to come up with her own observations. for example, she just told me, "there is no princess in it" when she found a polly pocket dress sans polly pocket. 
6. despite the fact that she is quite verbal at home she is still my most shy child when it comes to "outsiders".  most people that are not close to her would be surprised to know that she can talk at all much less say all that she can say. 
7. she is not afraid to let her opinion be known.  she has gotten quite feisty in her old age.  i attribute that to the fact that she has been treated like a living doll for almost 2 years and decided that she was not going to be told what to do and say all of the time.  she has been known to scratch and squeal if someone doesn't listen to her objections to being lifted or pushed around. 
8. ironically, being my most shy child she garnishes the most attention.  people are mesmerized by her small frame and thick hair.  everyone wants to talk to her and smile at her but she is usually so very wary of people trying to pick her up or hold her that she normally doesn't reciprocate.  she will usually talk to people as long as there is no threat of them holding her. 
9. her shyness must not be mistaken for timidity.  she is my most daring child and is more than likely my one that i suspect for future injuries.  she loves to climb and jump.  she will jump in a pool without hesitation and doesn't care if she goes under.  she wants to fly down the driveway on a bike as fast as the big kids.  she is willing to try things first before both of her brothers and is usually the one that i have to worry about when it comes to falling off of playground equipment. 
10. she doesn't like fireworks.  at all.
11. she loves to sing and dance.  and even though she is very shy, she would go on a stage in front of hundreds of people without a second thought to sing and dance.  her favorites are, "you are my sunshine", "don't bite your friends", "hold still...wiggle wiggle wiggle stop!".  and she is basically the best booty shaker of any baby i have ever known. 
12. she is a momma's and daddy's girl.  she has no desire to go anywhere or stay anywhere with anyone else.  she is happy to go anywhere as long as we are staying.  if we are not...she is happy to not stay.  a fact that she makes known.
13. she is my worst sleeper.  i blame kyle and myself for this fully and completely and i am also not sure if we would have/could have done anything differently.  thankfully she is our fourth and (fingers crossed) last baby so we won't have to deal with the repercussions that would come from that...but i also know that we need to fix these sleep habits quickly with her.  she wants to fall asleep upstairs with us and then at some point in the night...usually between 2:30-5:30 she comes to our room and finishes out the night.  the fact that it is not that difficult to indulge her only makes it more difficult to not indulge her.  she is becoming increasingly difficult to please which will make kyle and i quench the brattiness much easier. 
14. she is pretty much potty trained.  i say pretty much because honestly i have not done much with it.  i am not sure how much that has to do with the fact that with 4 children issues like potty training become so much less of a big deal or the fact that i was burnt out on proper potty training.  but we took it easy.  she wears panties all day and sleeps in diapers.  most mornings she wakes up dry. 
15. she is not a morning person.  she doesn't want to talk to anyone or smile at anyone until she has had at least half of her breakfast.  delightful. 
16. she still loves to snuggle and be held like a baby.  when she gets tired, she still pushes all of my hair out of her way and puts her cheek against my skin and starts to "pinch" the skin on my chest, arm, or hand. 
17. i love that she will fall asleep on me any time, any where.  she is really an awesome fourth child and can go along with whatever i need because she always manages to get what she needs.  if we are at the pool or park during nap, she just sleeps.  she's pretty great in that way. 
18. she is still the favorite to all of the siblings.  calvary often includes only her in his drawings, harper comes to her rescue whenever i try to parent her, and oliver jack longs to be found in her good graces. 
19. her names for her sibilings: harper= harpo, calvary= bubba, oliver jack= jackie
20. she is the perfectly content with her role as the baby and she makes our family feel wonderfully complete.   

it's been a while...again...

sometimes i have difficult time processing my own emotions and i have been taught to make sure that i have focus in my writing...the results of this has been silence.  i am not sure i will be able to make a concise entry today but i figured that stream of consciousness is my best bet for making sense in my own head. 
i went to my friend lori's blog today and noticed her link to the walk now for autism speaks event.  i clicked on the link and read all of the information.  lori has always been so good at raising awareness for autism and educating people to the realities of a life with autism.  she uses her photography business to support the cause, her blog...just about every facet of her life is used to raise awareness...but it isn't overwhelming either.  she has a balance.  in so many ways she has been my hero through my walk with calvary.  she has met me for coffee, sent me emails, texted with me, and really just been there.  her life is busy too...so that is no easy feat.  enough gushing... :)
all this to say, i wanted to be like lori.  i wanted to have a team and raise awareness for autism and be an advocate...but as i looked at the page, i just froze.  my stomach felt all weird and i had to navigate away.
i am still not sure why...but it makes me mad at myself.  maybe i am just afraid it will make it all too real...even though i am pretty sure i have already embraced the reality.  but maybe not. 
i mean to the casual passerby calvary is just a kid.  unlike 50 cent's most recent public blunder hinted at, children with autism don't look any different.  i am pretty open with calvary's diagnosis mostly because i do not want him to feel shame over something that he has absolutely no control over.  yet, i could pretend like nothing is different if i wanted to...maybe i am not ready to give that up. 
one day while we were at the grocery store i started talking to a mother in the parking lot.  she mentioned that her son had special needs and so i told her about calvary.  i noticed that he looked up at me when i mentioned his name and i immediately wondered if it bothered him that i had told her.  so when i got home and went upstairs to help him with his pjs i decided to breech the conversation.  i asked him if it bothered him that i told her that he had asperger's.  he told me that it didn't and i went on to clarify that i always wanted him to know that there was nothing wrong with him but that people are interested because it does make life different and people who are in the similar situation just want to feel community.  i am not sure if he understood that, but he told me, "i like that you tell people." 
so my hestitation is even less understood because my son's lack of shame only points to my hidden shame.
but i also feel so unqualified.  i think i have been nestled in my own little corner of the world doing what i think i can do and not pushing myself any further into discomfort.
it is no secret that we have chosen children over wealth but that decision gets even more intense when one of those children have special needs. 
life is expensive...and treatment for disorders like autism are even more expensive...
i sometimes feel like i should do more, but then i know that we cannot...and then i feel guilty...and then i feel sad...and then i feel angry...and then i feel....numb.
when i looked at the page for the autism speaks walk i just felt overwhelmed by complete lack of focus.  all of these people have it together enough not only to support a team but to create a team, organize an event, buy t-shirts, create websites, and schedule a whole lot of other people to do the same...i can hardly navigate the page. 
ironically, i feel like i am withdrawing into my own little world more and more.  the same thing that i wanted to avoid the most has been the easiest thing for me to do and i have been finding it more and more difficult to force myself into the discomfort of reaching out. 
i don't want the things that i cannot do discourage me to the point where i do not do the things that i can. 
part 1 of the congestion in my brain...