it's okay to shop boutiques...

if the same child can wear the same dress for multiple years...

the picture above is harper on her first day of kindergarten.

the picture below is harper in second grade.

lunch box drama...

sometimes i wonder why certain things always seem to happen to calvary. the one child in this family that finds it almost impossible (read: always impossible) to brush off big or small mishaps constantly is faced with almost all of those situations.
who was the kid that was walking too closely to the car and ran into the sliding door as it opened? calvary.
who was the kid that was given the defective toy in the happy meal box? calvary.
who was the kid that had an ice cream cone (on his second cone ever) with a hole in it? calvary.

maybe this is God's way of helping him learn to face the inevitability of life not going as we expect or plan. but i am not sure if calvary is ever going to be able to face these types of upsets with grace.
for instance, calvary has had a phenomenal transition into school. he has by far exceeded my expectations on every level. the only issues we have had are all centered around his lunchbox.
the first issue we had proves that i am an awesome mother. and it may even explain why calvary is the way he is. on the second day of school...let me emphasize THE VERY SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL THAT CALVARY HAS EVER ATTENDED IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE...i switched his sandwich with harper's.
that may not sound like a big deal but calvary is allergic to peanuts and his sandwhich was a nutella sandwich while harper's was peanut butter and jelly. if this would have happened to harper she would have told her teacher and known that all would be well. calvary thought the world would end.
a few minutes after his discovery i received a phone call from the school nurse that went like this:
n: mrs. murray, this is so-and-so at blah blah school.
m: oh, hi!
n: yes, um, calvary has peanut butter and jelly for lunch today? (an aire of her opinion of my own stupidity rang clearly and loudly at this point, but i don't really blame her)
m: oh my! i must have switched harper and calvary's lunch!
n: that's okay. he refused to eat it so we thought we would call. so harper has his lunch?
m: yes. and i am so sorry. i know what him refusing to eat it looked like so i apologize for that too. (anyone that knows calvary knows that "refusing to eat it" is a nice way of saying "that kid really flipped his lid over that sandwich")

we hung up and i was feeling overwhelmingly guilty and i just wanted to check on calvary. so i grabbed oliver jack and finley and headed down to the school. it was then that i received my second phone call...

m: hello?
n: yes, this is so-and-so from blah blah school again.
m: okay.
n: harper has peanut butter and jelly too. (again, her opinion of my stupidity and incompetence as a mother reigns high)
m: oh my goodness! i have no idea what i was thinking! i am on my way up there right now. i will be there in a couple of minutes.
n: okay. it happens to all of us. (really? she doesn't even believe it as she says it, but i appreciate the courtesy)

i get to the school and calvary is all smiles. my heart is relieved but i am still way confused as to how i made such a colossal mistake. i called kyle to tell him what a horrible mother i am and he told me that i did make one chocolate sandwich and one peanut butter sandwich (he eats the crust for his breakfast :) ). i feel relieved a little. and i chock this up to one of those "only calvary" moments.

a few days later i receive another phone call from the school. this time it was from the assistant teacher in his class...

m: hello?
mrs.b: hi, this is so-and so from calvary's class. he forgot to bring his lunch today.
m: oh, where could he have left it?!
mrs.b: i am not sure. he already checked the cafeteria, but i guess i should have checked after him.
m: that's okay, i am not far from the school so i will check the car and if it is there i will bring it, but even if it is not i will just make another one and bring it up to the school just in case.
mrs. b: okay, that will be great. he was really upset (read: he totally flipped out) and i tried to reassure him by telling him that we would call you and if we couldn't get in touch with you that he could just eat in the cafeteria. but that only made him more upset. do you guys have a rule that they are not allowed to eat in the cafeteria? (read: he went totally insane and the only explanation is that eating in the cafeteria is against your political or religious beliefs)
m: no, but calvary is very particular. not picky because he eats a wide variety of foods; but he is very particular about their source. in his mind eating in the cafeteria is the same as eating out of the garbage can. we have nothing against the cafeteria and maybe by the end of the year we will be able to get calvary to try some things but i am not sure.
mrs. b: okay, i will let him know that you are on your way. thank you so much.
m: thank you for calling.

after school i asked him about the events of the day and he responded, "i surely did cry". i tried to explain that these are the little deals in life. we can always fix these problems and that if this ever happens again to remember that he doesn't have to get upset. he responded, "it better not happen again."

sometimes things happen to calvary that no one would handle with grace, but most of the times the things that happen to calvary that send him into a fit are things that most people could handle with grace. maybe that is why it seems like more happens to him. he doesn't actually encounter more mishaps; he just calls more attention to those events. my evidence? harper left her lunchbox in the car this morning. i saw it when i got finley out of her seat after dropping her off. no phone call.

she's an old pro...

finley was broken hearted and jack refused to acknowledge that it was happening and calvary could hardly face the truth that today was the day that harper was leaving... :)

harper actually started school the day before calvary and even though this is her third year starting school i feel like i would be completely amiss if i did not do some bragging on her alongside her brother.

one of my favorite characteristics of harper's is her ability to take what is handed to her. if it is time to go to school, then she goes to school. if it is time to go to the doctor, then she goes to the doctor. she NEVER puts on a show or makes a big fuss. because of that it can be difficult to distinguish her moments of anxiety or apprehension.

when harper is nervous or upset about something she becomes much more emotional. the smallest things bring her to tears, but it takes someone knowing her really well to connect the actions to their true root. she also becomes my shadow. her normal independence gives way to a sudden clinginess yet she still finds a way to mask her dependence by making it seem like she is there for my benefit (folding laundry, setting the table, carrying groceries). i sometimes confuse independence for invulnerability and it is in these moments that i am learning that i need to teach harper that it is possible to feel both independent and vulnerable at the same time. she is growing up, but she's not done yet and at her core is just a little girl trying to pretend that she's ready to be on her own.

all of this to say that the day and night before harper's first day of school were spent with harper being uncharacteristically emotional and clingy. it didn't help that we have had a wonderful summer full of time spent together and enjoying the simplicity of the days. watching her nerves unfold made me want to cling on to her, but instead i reassured her that the next day would be full of wonderful and exciting things.

we all slept a little restless that night anticipating the beginning of the school year, but the morning went remarkably well. harper returned to her normal confident self and we were all ready. she handled the transition seamlessly and her grace and confidence in these situations only cements her increasing maturity.

i have been so proud of her this summer. she has always been my biggest helper and this summer was no different. one of the things we struggled with last school year was harper's attitude. she started to become a little too sassy but most of that caved way to her normal sweetness. to say that i am sad to share harper with her school is an understatement. i miss her so much while she is gone. but if this summer is any indication of the growth i will see this year then i cleave to the excitement i feel to see what will come.

she is such a good girl and i love her so much.

calvary goes to kindergarten....

last thursday calvary started his very first day of kindergarten. and while this day carries all of the normal heaviness and apprehensions, with calvary i carry an entirely different load of apprehension and fear.

in the back of my head are images of my baby boy sitting in a daycare center with a blank stare refusing to interact or become a part of the group.
i also hear the voice of our childcare provider saying, "i have never, in over 20 years of experience, seen such unprovoked rage in a child before."
i feel the weight of his body as he would cling to me as we tried to drop him off at his classroom at church.
i see the look on his face all the times he has been misunderstood, ignored, or embarrassed.
i hear his voice explain that someone followed him too closely or spoke too loudly.
i see him struggle and become frustrated to do the physical and social activities that his occupational therapist has asked him to do...
and yet, here we are...
taking my five year old son to kindergarten.
i have wanted to stay optimistic. calvary has made drastic improvements and grown up so much. in my heart i wanted to believe that everything would be just fine, but if i was to be honest i would have to admit that i was out of my mind with anxiety.
it is difficult to carry all of the memories and visions of all of your child's struggles and then put that same child in a position that has caused so many of those memories and visions.

i don't think that i expected the worst. i just knew that the worst was a possibility.
but calvary was excited.
he carried none of those memories.
all he carried was a pirate back pack that my mom and dad had bought him for his birthday and a matching lunchbox that nick and jessica had given him.
he walked into the school and clung to my leg for just a moment.
i told him i would walk him to his cubby and then i would leave. we walked in together and i kissed him as i left him at his desk. he didn't cry. he didn't ask to go home. he didn't stare blankly.
he took out crayons and started to color.

what a beautiful moment for him and for kyle and i. we have worked so hard for this moment. we have invested so much. every day since he has come back excited for the next day. and i thank God for such a wonderfully hopeful start to this journey. i know that the days before us are unknown, but no matter what those days bring these are the new moments i carry.

labor of love...

one of the new pieces made by kathy for finley...

an original piece of the quilt kathy's mom made for her with one of her tags that have the name "lorene reid"across the bottom.

finley loves her blanket...

kyle's mom diligently recreated a quilt that her mom made for her. she put in countless hours researching, cutting, pinning, stitching, and more cutting, pinning, and stitching. i know that she put so much of herself into this blanket and even more than that she created a way that her mother's legacy can be carried on to future generations. i never personally knew kyle's nanny, but i feel like the pieces that she created tell a little of her story. finley already loves her quilt but i pray that as she gets older she will appreciate it on a whole new level.
sometimes "thank you" is not enough and i believe that this is one of those times...

empty(ier) nest...

a person can only be so prepared when considering becoming a parent. and by "so prepared" i really mean not at all prepared. the minute i found out that i was pregnant with my first child people started telling me how my life would change. i heard about how i would never sleep and how expensive they were...but really i believed that was limited to the first year. after all, most people concentrate on the cost of diapers and the early crying. but i have learned in hind sight, as i so often do, that those early woes are only God's way of preparing young parents for what is to come.
for example:
1. i was prepared for pain during childbirth...
but i could have never been prepared for the pain of watching my children experience the heartache of life.

2. i was prepared for the lack of sleep of infancy...
but i was not prepared for the sleep i would lose over the decisions i am making for my children.

3. i was prepared for the expense that a baby would add to my life...
but how could i have known that buying school supplies, paying for dance or sports, packing a lunch box, or filling a closet would more than make up the cost of diapers in the years to come.

today i packed two lunchboxes. i filled out two folders worth of forms. i set out two sets of clothes. i kissed two foreheads and hugged two tiny frames. i watched two hands wave as they walked away. i watched two of my babies continue their leaps into independence and i grieve the loss of the expensive diapers and the late night/early morning feedings. i know one day that i will grieve the loss of these days of innocence, but today my emotions are mixed. i am both proud and sad.
i am proud of myself for keeping it together as i walked my oldest son into his classroom today. i am proud of how he handled himself...so, so proud. i am proud of my daughter for being so brave and secure.
i am just happy for the gift of my children but i also face the realization that this gift is not mine forever. they are growing up.

she's kind of my pet...

bag and all.

finley likes to be carried. ground breaking, earth shattering news i know.

i took it to a new level one day when i put her in this bag of harper's. she completely cooperated because, of course, she was being carried. i was surprised with just how much she loved it. the minute i put her in, realized she loved, snapped a few pictures because it amused me how much she loved it, and took her out, she promptly crawled right back over to the bag and tried to put herself back in.

sigh.

i think i may be an enabler.

"God is SO big Mommy"

kyle was late getting home tonight and we had to eat dinner without him. that does not happen often around here and to be honest i was a bit crabby. harper and calvary helped set the table and we all gathered around and the three oldest children started taking turns saying the blessing. this little tradition has become quite comical mostly because oliver jack's prayers sound something like this: "dear God, thank you [gibberish blah blah gibberish] and thank you daddy doesn't go to work anymore and thank you [gibberish blah blah gibberish] LET's EAT!" he usually interrupts someone else's prayers and i am usually having to feed finley but in spite of all of this nonsense the children have really started to connect the world around them to the God that has created it.
after the prayer tonight jack mentioned a tower being so tall that it was "high up to God". to which calvary quickly corrected and said that God is so big that no tower could reach Him. i took this moment to teach the kids about the tower of babel, which they thought was insane.
calvary said, "those guys were pretty dumb because God is so big that all He has to do is this (flicks his fingers) and that tower would be gone".
harper added, "really, all He would have to do is this (blows air from her mouth) and it would be down".
not to be outdone, calvary added, "really all He has to do is blink His eyes and the whole world would fall apart".
at this point i am just sitting in amazement at their concept of God that i almost forget to bring this moment back to the grace of God.
i say, "God could make us fall anytime because He is so powerful, but God is much more interested in catching us instead".
i thought this may be a bit too figurative and my hunch was correct when calvary said, "like if i am walking backwards and trip he'll catch me".
and before i could even exhale harper said, "no, not literally (she really used this word and i was blown away). she means that when we mess up He wants to forgive us and not see us go to hell. He wants to catch us".
this made sense to calvary and He said, "i'm glad God has big arms".

me too.

nothing says summer like a bomb pop!

(if you look at the picture closely you can see finley's crazy tooth. she popped out a tooth just left of center instead of the two middle teeth. i like to think it keeps this princess humble :) )

attack of jack jack....

jacob had a pixar short called "Jack Jack Attack" on harper's ipod that we watched on our way to GA on saturday. we laughed and thought about how appropriate it was that harper so appropriately dubbed our youngest boy "jack jack" when he was still so silently resting up inutero.

i am sitting here trying to decide if it is an exaggeration to say that we have our own jack jack attacks on a daily basis and while i hesitate to claim daily events i would without question say that our average puts us at that mark.

while oliver jack still wins over most strangers with the slightest grin, i am on to his game. i find myself in awe of the magic he has over people. our neighbor unabashedly declares, even in front of all my other children, that jack is their favorite. he flashes them a grin and refuses to hug them and they laugh and giggle and embrace their love for him even more.

any time that jack gets quiet we get nervous. it is NEVER a positive happening. he is usually flushing something down the toilet, eating something (whether it is edible or not), destroying something that belongs to calvary (it is like he has a sixth sense about just who to mess with), or escaping to his own doom. he needs a caretaker committed solely to his care. unfortunately for him, he is not an only child.

just recently we have had to start worrying about jack even when he is supposed to be sleeping...

i'll set the stage:

1.we have camp out setup for our three oldest children and they are tickled beyond belief to have the gift of staying up late watching a movie and having a snack...

just one of the perks of not having living room furniture in our new house yet...also makes a fantastic room for playing baby tag or soccer...not so great for hide and seek.

2. kyle and i enjoy some time to sit and watch non G rated tv programming.

3. i head downstairs to check on the kids about halfway through their show.

4. i find jack is missing.

5. i ask harper where jack is. she has no idea that he is missing. even more evidence to oliver jack's inborn craftiness.

6. i hear jack crying and shouting, "please don't spank me!" from the direction of my bedroom. i immediately know that what i am about to find is not going to be good.

7. i walk in to my bathroom to find jack sitting on the counter covered in makeup and mouthwash. the floor is covered with piles of powder, puddles of lip gloss, and a spraying of mouthwash and toothpaste (thankfully he spit).

8. i immediately left the room to get my camera...meanwhile kyle snapped a picture with his phone. we asked him how he got on the counter because it is far beyond his reach and there are no stools in our bathroom. he showed us how he used his big toe and second toe to wrap around the knob on the drawers and pulled himself up using his arms the rest of the way. kyle and i were quite impressed.

the sad thing is that we are really quite accustomed to jack jack attacks. to the point where we are rarely surprised anymore. we are also victims of his charm and far too often his actions go unpunished...in this case his remorse was enough for kyle and i to feel that jack would not attack our toiletries again. maybe.

harper faye is 7...

making our way...

kit packed more than us.

he only pretends to be disgusted...

she still looks so small....

look at those muscles as he creates a lovely smokey eye...

when i was a little girl i remember quite vividly taking a trip to cabbage patch land with my granny and pop and my cousin jessica. i remember eating at a waffle house and spilling my orange juice. i remember jessica spilling her orange juice too. i remember my granny telling me that the waffle house had "magic" tables. i remember driving in the backseat for a very, very long time. i remember how my cousin jessica would hold a tissue under her nose just before she fell asleep and trying to copy her because i thought it was cool. i remember walking around in the store and seeing the cabbage patch dolls plucked from the garden and given over to the girls that anxiously waited on their arrival. when i think back on my childhood, this is one of my favorite memories.

undoubtedly, this is why going to the american girl shop was without question an occasion i wanted to share with harper. we planned to take this trip for harper's birthday and i pray that this trip was at least half as wonderful for her as it was for me. i am sure the reasons we enjoyed the trip differed vastly, but i can only hope that this day has been burned into her memories as my doll trip was so (SO) many years ago.

without question we spared calvary the agony of shopping for doll stuff for hours. also without question we spared ourselves the agony of shopping for doll stuff for hours with jack. i can only imagine what may have happened if jack had made the cut. thankfully kyle's mom and dad obliged our request to keep not only jack but also calvary and finley for the night. i know they had more fun there then they would have had with us and, honestly, it was such a blessing to watch harper enjoy herself without having to worry about whether someone was bored, hungry, or catching the place on fire.

let me just say that these american girl people have really worked out an amazing business venture. the crowds on a random day in august looked like christmas. girls were frantic with excitement. squeals were everywhere. but harper kept her cool. she calmly looked at EVERY SINGLE ITEM for sale and then just as calmly started making her choices.

kyle and i have tried to make harper aware of money and how things cost money so that they would be more thoughtful in the moments that they casually ask us to drop dough every minute of every day. for the most part i feel like we have done a pretty good job, but the moment that harper was looking through the catalogue the weeks leading up to our trip remains to be one that breaks my heart. i, like we have done many times before, told harper to circle the items that she would like. after a time i came and looked over her shoulder and noticed that she had not circled many things. when i asked her about it she responded, "i'm looking at the price and most of this stuff is too expensive". in that moment i felt like i had robbed my daughter of the innocence of her childhood belief that anything was possible. it is kind of nice to believe that money is limitless, or at least not a factor. but i felt like hope was restored when we stood in that store amidst squeals and screams and harper looked with patience and contentment as she made her choices. she never once seemed disappointed not to get something. she never asked for more. she simply weighed her options and spent the money that she had received wisely....or as wisely as you can at a doll store. i felt overwhelmed and the irony of that moment is that when i watch my child in their contentment and gratitude i only want to give them more. and then more leads to more. and more and more leads to the expectation of more and more. and then expectation of more and more destroys contentment and most often gratitude also becomes a casualty.

not to say that harper is without bratty moments. let's not be unrealistic. but in this moment, there was no brat in sight. only a child experiencing joy.

kyle was a pretty good sport about the whole thing and he only grumbled a few times when he was asked to hold a doll from time to time.

we celebrated 7 years of life today. 7 years of laughter, hugs, kisses, tears, sibling fun, sibling fights, dresses, tea parties, baby dolls, pretend classrooms, disney princesses, shoes, books, backpacks, snacks, candy, growing teeth, losing teeth, playgrounds, swings, climbing trees, riding bikes, setting the table, making "drinks", and most recently ipod madness. i can only imagine what the next 7 years will hold but i am delighted with the girl she is now and i have every intention of enjoying every moment that i have with her.

catching up...

i have yet to post a more in depth chronicle of our trip(s) to the beach this year. i have also let pass most of the other events of the summer. but i do plan on getting all of that out and recorded as soon as possible. which may be never. just let it be said that this summer has been fantastically rich and abundantly full.

and now, my firstborn turns 7 in 3 days.
my oldest son starts kindergarten in 10 days.
my baby boy is potty trained.
and the babiest baby of them all is toddling.

the world keeps on spinning and these babies keep on growing and i'm hanging on to their heels wishing i was an anchor instead of a woman :)