poetic justice...

finley had a tooth as of the day after the day i wrote the post about how she didn't have any teeth.

she might actually have two. i felt the tiny ridges barely pushing through the gum line on thursday.

the chapter of toothless babies is now officially closed...

you can't break that smolder...

( a self portrait and kyle's personal favorite picture from calvary's collection )

and a little jack....

the drink. not the kid.

i might start self medicating. just a warning.
i might rest in that too... :)

being an advocate...

traversing this time in my life with calvary and this invisible issue that we deal with has been a difficult time. on one hand i feel justified. i knew something was amiss with my little boy for years. literally. i can track my misgivings through this blog and know that there is no exaggeration in any of these statements. i feel justified to know that we are dealing with something very real. calvary doesn't just have normal tantrums. he isn't just a boy. he doesn't need a good whippin'. his brain is wired differently. i can sigh a sigh of relief and know that we have an entire community of encouraging, helpful people that are willing to listen and sympathize or talk and advise. i don't feel alone anymore. on the other hand i feel helpless. this is something i cannot fix. not only do i have little understanding about the true depths of this spectrum, and even though so much progress has been made in the past decade, neither does most healthcare professionals. i face a world of closed eyes. when people look at my son they see a perfectly healthy child. he has a beautiful smile and eyes that sparkle like the bluest water. his excitement is contagious and his laughter is infectious. he can run and jump and climb with best of any boy. he can write his name and draw shapes and do math in his head way ahead of most kids his age. he can button his shirts. he can brush his teeth. from the outside he looks perfect. inside, his emotions are raw. everything inside of his head is so chaotic that everything outside of his head must be calm and controlled. the slightest change causes panic. the heartbreaking part of it all is that he is now getting to the point in his social development that he realizes that he doesn't want to be like this. he wants to be okay. he wants to go to school. he wants to think it is fun to meet new people. and this is where my heart is torn...
i face a world where people who know very little about my son try to make life altering decisions for him. they are experts in the fields of medicine and psychology but they are not experts in my son. i am the expert in my son but i am not an expert in the field of medicine or psychology. i know that God has created my son. i know that he knitted him together inside of my womb. he shaped his heart with his hands. he breathed life into his lungs. he poured Himself into His creation. calvary is His cherished personal treasure...and being his advocate is my job. his doctor made a comment yesterday that unnerved me a little (a lot)...she said, "he's a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. we just need to round him out a little." i don't want to round him out. God made him square. i just want him to understand that he's different and be okay with that. he's my boy. and apparently God knew that i could handle this. he looked at me and knew that i would be the perfect mom for calvary. he looked at kyle and knew that he would be the perfect father for him. i can rest in that...

finley is 10 months old!!!

this month has been a month of milestones. up until now finley did not do much. she was a wonderful little accessory that i carried around from room to room and place to place. but it seems like in a matter of days finley's development exploded. she has started crawling, clapping, playing peek-a-boo, waving, and eating more solid like foods. we still had her crib at the highest setting because up until one night last week she never pulled up. needless to say her crib was lowered the next day and she spent that night in the pack and play. she is still not very fast and prefers without question being held, but she is now mobile. she loves to play but she is also content just to hang out. i take solace in the fact that she is not a ball of fire like her brother jack. i can honestly say that i do not think that i could enjoy the infancy of this baby anymore. there has not been one day that has passed that i wished her to be older. i have not wondered what she will be like. i have simply held on to these days with a fury. when people jokingly tell me that i need to put her down if i want her to crawl i just laugh because i am okay with her not crawling or walking or growing up in general. i know she will eventually. as she has proven just this month. i won't hold her back from what she needs to do, but as long as she wants me to hold her i will let her be held. the fact that she still does not have teeth proves to me that she just wants to be my baby just a little longer :)

although she is filling out a little she is still holding strong at 16lbs. she wears mostly 3-6 month clothes and some 6-9. people wonder who she looks like but i don't; she looks like her daddy. she has a beautiful spirit and i love her with all of my heart.

she is the last of my babies and with every milestone she achieves a chapter in my life closes. i am grateful that God, in all his omnipotence, gave me a baby that would be content to let me treasure these moments as long as possible...

finley loves weapons...

i guess this is appropriate since her name means "fair warrior"...

calvary is 5!!!

calvary, not being one to like surprises, had already found and located all of his gifts from us before the big day.

opening presents at his "party" with grandparents and aunts and uncles...

his beloved buzz lightyear sprinkler he received from guncle jimmy and aunt sheila...

the four wheeler...

hugging his sister after opening the gift she got for him...she lovingly collected toys and prizes from around the house and wrapped them up to give to him and he accepted her gift with such sweetness. he didn't get a huge amount of gifts for his birthday and gratitude is something we have worked on so much at home that it did my heart good to see this exchange...

pirate cupcakes...

playing at the park after the scavenger hunt and after the meltdown...

he found the treasure!

argh...

adam's treasure and fantastic pirate stance...

figuring out clues...

i love this picture...they both look so excited and happy...

my four babies the morning calvary turned 5....nothing says happy birthday like bed head...

happy birthday to my sweet, complicated little boy. i love you with all of my heart.

finley's new trick...

she moves!

so...

so easter has come and gone and i have not even put up pictures of calvary's birthday. i am always behind. this weekend was great. we travelled to georgia for merriwether's 5th birthday and it was one of the best trips we have had in a while. last spring break left me scarred emotionally and i think i harbored a secret fear that all subsequent trips would yield the same results. thankfully i was wrong. i loved the time i spent with my family. the bulk of the money we spent was in gas...granted that was quite a bulk...but other than that we didn't do anything in particular. we drove, we stopped, we hung out at the "apartment", went to the park for merriwether's party, had easter dinner at jacob's house, hung out at the "apartment", and drove some more. pretty low key.
i cherish this family of mine. i feel unbelievably ungrateful to call them my own. what a gift it is to be part of a family that truly enjoys being together....

more on this trip when i get caught up...maybe.

conversations in the car:
harper, calvary, and oliver jack were watching the little engine that could and the boy told a story about how his mother had repaired one of his stuffed animals to which the monkey replied, "all hail mommy!"
calvary tried to repeat the expression and it sounded like a mumbled mess...
harper, quick to correct mistakes others make, says, "no calvary, he said, 'awww hell mommy!'"

decidedly different yet perfect all the same.

sprinklers are fun...

yesterday at calvary's birthday celebration my aunt gave him a buzz lightyear sprinkler. of course the dust had hardly settled before he insisted on trying it out. both calvary and oliver jack quickly changed into their bathing suits and appeared to be having so much fun that they even convinced harper and jade to join in. they had been playing for about 30 minutes. the weather was nice, about 75, but not nice enough for water fun. oliver jack came up to me shivering and said, "mommy i need a coat." i laughed and told him that i would get him a towel if he was cold and wanted to be done. to which he replied with his best 2 year old whine, "noooooo...i don't want to be done! a towel won't stay on me. i need a coat." the thought processing was there. the creativity was there. too bad it just doesn't work that way...

oliver jack versus the potty...

jack is nearing his 3rd half birthday and naturally potty training is on my mind. calvary was VERY difficult to house break which goes hand in hand with children with sensory issues. call it naivety but i just knew that oliver jack was going to be different. however, so far that is not the truth. i think his issue is that he just does not care at all. in fact he likes a mess. he loves a mess. the only thing that keeps him from wanting to poop in his pants is the chance that he might get diaper rash. he has full body control. in fact, i can take his diaper off and he will purposely spray whatever he can with a stream of forced urine. nice. this is a life skill that will undoubtedly impress his friends later in life but a skill that i am by no way impressed. other issues working against jack is his size. this boy is massive. harper and calvary never made it out of a size 3 diaper...well, occasionally a 4...but mostly 3s. jack, oh jack, has already made it into a size 6...and those things aren't loose. pull-ups sound like a clever option unless he decides to poop in that option. then it is a disgusting mess. i asked jack the other day if he wants to go potty and he responded, "no, i might go down in there..." either he is grossly unaware of his own size or insanely optimistic about the power of our toilets. but...if we are keeping score let's just put it as OLIVER JACK 0 : THE POTTY 1

parenthood...

...is the toughest battle I never want to stop fighting...

(check out that boy...he sure looks tough)

calvary turned 5 today and i am almost positive that he grew 3 feet in his sleep. he may have even gotten a job. i'm not certain, but i think there is a marriage on the horizon and he might convince her to have those 6 kids he's been talking about. if i am going to be honest, (and i try to be) i would have to say that birthdays with calvary are tough for me. well, all of the birthdays are tough for me because i have to admit that they are all growing up. but calvary is different---[cue the gasp]. birthdays were big for me. my mom and dad always made birthdays something special. they didn't have to do BIG things; they just knew that having all the attention on that day was what made it a big deal. or in my case, having all the attention for that week (or month if i could work it). i am thankful for that. what a great childhood i had! and i have always strived to make my kids feel like their birthdays are a big deal... but calvary doesn't work like that. i struggle with what i need on his birth countered with what he needs. calvary doesn't do well with tons of excitement. it makes him feel so unorganized and out of sorts. but at the same time i know that he *wants* to be celebrated. i have watched this show at 10 on tuesdays for about a year now...much to kyle's dismay...called parenthood. the show is like crack for me. i want to stop but i can't. i watch the show and i feel like someone "gets" me. i cry and i feel a cathartic sense of release. i relate and i feel a pang of guilt. i allow myself to recognize what most of the times i refuse to acknowledge: calvary has special needs. i will remember the first time his OT refered to him as having special needs and it was like a punch in the gut. i don't have a problem with special needs or anyone who has them because let's face it, we ALL have special needs to some degree...but i just want to believe that my little boy is just a normal little boy. one episode in particular sticks in my mind from this season. the father of a child who has asperger's wants so much to believe that his son is "normal". so much so that he decides one day that they will break the monotony of the week and go to a theme park. he promises that they will ride his favorite ride and the son reluctantly agrees. once there and ,to add insult to injury, are on the ride, the ride shuts down and everyone has to get off. the 9 0r 10 year old boy can't cope and runs off in a fit of rage and confusion leaving the dad chasing him and finally holding his son in the middle of confused and judgemental onlookers.... i've been there. maybe not at that theme park but i watched that show and it was so raw that i felt like my own emotions were right there... calvary struggles with excitement which is why i birthdays are such a struggle. i knew today was going to be tough. but i knew i had to push through it too. i knew that if i didn't he would not understand why other kids have big, fun days and he didn't. so i planned a fun day with one friend. i was hoping keeping things simple would create the biggest chance for success. calvary wanted it to be fun but his little body was just so tense with excitement. he was like a tightly wound rubber band just waiting to spiral out of control. and he finally did. the good news is that we have made so much progress through maturing and OT that he rarely explodes aggressivley anymore. he mostly just shouts and cries. if you've seen a 2 year old throw the worst tantrum you ever seen then you've seen calvary in the middle of a meltdown. but calvary isn't 2. so, i was ready to call it quits and head home. skip the pizza. skip the park. skip everything and head home. i was embarrassed and frustrated. i was embarrassed because calvary seemed so ungrateful. ALL of this for him. i was frustrated because I needed this day to be a good memory for him. i just wanted it to end. i wished that no one was there to see this. i didn't want to explain his behavior. i just wanted it not to happen. thankfully i was with a friend. a real friend. she's the kind of friend that knows that i didn't really want to quit so she helped me be okay with it all and didn't make it about her and what she would do or how she would handle the situation. she didn't sit there with knowing glances, just staring at me waiting for me to handle it. she didn't offer words of wisdom. she just said, "i'm fine. i will do whatever it is you want to do. we will just do what you think he needs." we got through that moment and made it to the pizza place and to the park and everything was better. i am thankful to have a friend like that. sometimes you just need to know that someone is on your side. i feel like i have to answer to everybody. everyone has an opinion. "he's just a boy. "boys will be boys" "he just needs a whippin'!" "he'll grow out of it" but the truth is that he is different. i love that about him. and if i am honest, sometimes i really don't like it at all. but those are the moments that i just need to push through more. those moments where he is literally pushing me away are the moments that i need to push more. he went to sleep tonight a happy boy. he had a great birthday and i think he will remember all the effort we made to make it special. i love him so much that i would do anything to make sure that he never feels anything but special. and i mean that in the most precious and perfect essence of that word.

pictures and words pt.II...

yea...i know that feeling...

pictures and words...

my baby is so tough that she teethes on a sword...

harper's art...

even when harper was a baby she loved art. she has always loved to create things and her favorite class has always been art. i love that about her.

every year her new school does an art show with art from kids from pre-k to 12th grade and harper was selected to have something of her's displayed. she was so excited! we were excited for her, but mostly i was just happy to see how excited she was. i love so much when one of the kids has a moment to be celebrated on their own. and this was harper's moment. to oliver jack and calvary, harper was a celebrity. they marveled at what they only could suspect was the most amazing artist they have ever known. they asked her questions and they anxiously anticipated this art show.

i am thankful that the school takes the time to organize (and it must take loads of time) such a seemingly small event. not every kid will be an athlete or scholar; with every child i have i realize how important it is to find areas to celebrate your child.

everybody loves baby...

jack's lady love--all he wants is to be next to her

calvary's favorite model--and she loves to smile for him.

harper's living doll-- perfect for dressing up and carrying around; she poops and pees too!

just when i counted her out...

finley learns a new trick.

way to go baby girl. your next trick can be to grow some teeth.

harper in a nut shell...

without question i love that first born child of mine. she changed my life in all the best ways. because of her, i am a mother. she makes me laugh with her wit. she makes me smile when she nurtures her siblings. but sometimes that girl makes me crazy! it has always been difficult to pin point exactly what it is about her that makes me insane. she is a good girl. she does good work in school. i couldn't ask for a better helper at home. she takes pride in being the oldest. she rarely does anything that is just out and out wrong. but today i had two examples that just cemented the cause that gains the effect perfectly. we went to the park today and while we were there harper was swinging and climbing on everything should could find. she is so amazingly strong that she has mastered the art of supporting her weight on many non-approved climbing areas. one of her favorite places to climb is between the curvy slide and the platform. i have watched her do this many times and anyone that knows my oldest two knows that they are not known for their exceptional disregard for safety. all this to say that harper was not in harm's way. however, as i stood under harper, a man came over and put his arms around her waist and instructed her to get down. she looked at me and clung to the bars. i walked over and touched her foot and just told her to let go. he put her down on the ground and told her that it was too dangerous to do that. most people would have thought that the gesture was kind, but most people were not there. i was. he made me very uncomfortable for many reasons. one of which was the overwhelming smell of alcohol. harper couldn't understand why the man wouldn't let her climb. i told her that she just needed to play somewhere else and stay away from the man. i told her that he was there with his granddaughter and he had been drinking. she told me that she wanted to keep climbing. i told her that if she climbed again he would probably come and get her down again. i told her again to stay away from him. 5 minutes later she asked the man to help her reach a toy that was too high. yep. i walk into danger with harper. i comfort her as she encounters danger. i encourage her to stay away from danger. she goes and asks danger to play. awesome. later at home i asked harper not to walk in the flower beds because i had just planted some bushes (and by that i mean i stuck small sticks in the mud hoping that one day they would bear leaves) and i didn't want her to step on them. 5 minutes later she was walking on the rocks bordering the flower bed. what a perfect illustration for my frustration with her. rather than residing in one place, hot or cold/ good or bad, she toes the line in between. i feel like i am constantly trying to keep her teetering away from the other side. she feels frustrated because she is confident that she is not really breaking any rules. i am praying that i can be the mother that she needs. a patient mother. one who likes a challenge.

the house that jack built...

i was feeding finley her breakfast when jack came downstairs to show me the house he had built. i decided to get the camera out because he kept calling it his "mobile house" and i wanted video evidence to prove to kyle that he had come up with this all on his own. unfortunately he stopped calling it that as soon as i got the camera but he did reference his new "friend" david and a shout out to uncle wayne and aunt robin.

finley's first REAL trick...

a day at the park...

all things calvary...

in 11 days calvary will be turning 5 years old. 5 is such a big deal to me. this is the year that calvary will start school. this is the year that it takes a whole hand to signify how many years old he is. this is the year that he can no longer fit in clothes at babyg@p. this is the year, that in so many ways, shows that calvary is no longer my baby. one of the things i love best about this blog is that i have such a detailed account of the lives of my children. things i would have otherwise forgotten are detailed here. it was here that i used the tag "the world of calvary" to note posts that deal with my oldest boy. it was also here that i documented his first birthday. it was also this blog that helped me connect the dots to the reality that all was not quite "right" with him. the reality behind "the world of calvary" is poetic in a way now. the world in which calvary lives and sees is wonderful and abstract. but it is also different and different is not always easy. some days my heart breaks for calvary. i watch him struggle to make friends. i watch from the outside as he wants to play with kids at the park and he has no clue how to make the transition. i secretly hate the kids that casually ignore his awkward introductions. my heart slumps to my gut when he works up the courage to talk to someone and that courage goes unnoticed. other days my head is so frustrated with this boy. those are the days that i have dealt with him exploding and lashing out on someone because they were singing too loud or touching him or following him or any other number of misdeeds. those are the days that i have had to comfort a panic stricken child because i forgot to tell him i was heading upstairs. those are the days that i have dealt with trying to teach my 2 year old that his older brother's reactions are not always the ways we should act. occupational therapy has taken us so far but there are moments when i realize how much stress little calvary carries with him everyday. he is trying to understand and cope with emotions and nonverbal communication that he doesn't get every minute of every day. he has used me as a safe zone. i am a place of refuge for him. my heart breaks for him because the expectation is for him to just understand but the reality is that he cannot. he doesn't understand that when kids are screaming that they are not attacking him. he doesn't understand that it is okay for the day to go differently than expected. the challenge i face is nothing compared to some of the challenges he has faced. i sometimes think that the days of me having to explain to other people why he reacts the way he does are over. just when that happens i find myself trying to calm a child down by pulling his shirt off while he is screaming "YOU HAVE GOT TO GET ME OUT OF HERE!". i wonder how true that is for him on so many days. i know that he has so many happy days but i also know that he has many moments that he just wants to escape. many people doubt the reality of sensory processing disorder but this blog has helped me trace the signs that calvary has dealt with this disorder from infancy. now, as he faces more testing, i optimistically look at the history i have recorded here to help provide insight into this enigmatic little brain. i would be lying if i said that this is all fun. but in that same breath i know that i am blessed. every night i kiss that sweet forehead and look at that bright smile and i have a baby boy to love. my frustrations are not ones rooted in a physical illness. beyond these truths i am blessed because of the resources available. calvary is a different boy then he was even a year ago. he has learned so much through the resources offered through child and family services. it has taken me a long time to write this post because i have not known how to give it all justice. on one hand he is my most difficult child. i feel like an ambassador and i don't ever know whether my environment will be hostile or amicable. on the other hand he is my easiest child. he thrives in quiet, organized moments. rules are his friends. simplicity is his greatest treasure. this is a year of great anticipation. i feel like i have learned so much about my boy this year and i know that the layers are only beginning to give way. i look forward to meeting him where he is, appreciating him for who he is, and teaching him to thrive.