every pregnancy brings me back to you. i remember taking that test alone in the hall bathroom of my dorm. i remember praying that it would not be positive. i remember crying; i remember crying all night. i mourned the loss of the life that i had. and with every subsequent pregnancy i remember with guilt how i welcomed the gift that you are. i remember how i cringed to let anyone know that you were coming. i was embarrassed of you. i knew that no one would be happy that you were coming. i was not happy that you were coming.
and as i celebrate the knowledge of this baby and joyfully announce her arrival to the world, i am hit with the guilt that i did not do that for you. i let my shame overshadow the miracle that you are.
the pregnancy went forward; i viewed it as a burden. as the days drew closer to your arrival i anticipated your birth. i was happier...but not happy enough.
once you were born it was like you carried the weight of my burden on your tiny shoulders. such a serious child. even now, silver hairs shine amongst the brown making evident to me that you have carried far more than most children should.
as the days melted into weeks i fell more in love with you and realized more and more what a gift you are. the shame i had changed. it is the shame i still carry. the shame of not realizing then what i know now.
you are a gift. a gift that changed my life in the best ways. a gift that gave me a chance to forfeit my selfishness and realize the beauty the gift of a child is. i wish i was stronger for you then, but each day i watch as the seriousness of your infancy transforms into the silliness of girlhood and i pray with all of my heart that you know how thankful i am for you.
when i hug your tiny body or look into your beautiful eyes i am ashamed that i was once ashamed to be pregnant with you. your mother has always been your student. learning everyday that life is precious. i pray that i can teach you the value of life over the shame of personal choices.
you are gift.
i love you. i adore you.
mommy
2 comments:
This is the sweetest letter I have ever read. You are such an anamzing mother! I look up to you so much and oneday I hope to be as great as a mother as your are! I love you!
-Brooke Wilson
This is the sweetest letter I have ever read. Every word in the letter is filled with so much emotion and love. You are such a wonderful mother to all three of your children and I know you will be to the new one on the way! I look up to you so much and I one day hope to be as amazing as a person as you are.
Love, Brooke
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